Would that be considered an intervention...!?!?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Want My Wife Back:
<strong> Would that be considered an intervention...!?!? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe. Have you earned your 24 hour Plan B pin yet? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

That's ok Cerri, i needed that. Mike tried to do the same I think, but his approach was more subtle...I think he like to make me doubt myself. Anyway, thank you.

Poor Mike.... not often he gets out-snarlied by a little blonde Witch... LOL... Well, as I said it was a long week and not looking to be any better in the next couple.

What should be the game plan from here on then...no flames...I know it is plan B.

Tsk tsk.. I don't think I've ever flamed anyone... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> snarled and hissed once in a while, but never flamed... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />


I'm just wondering what is the best way to go about it from here. I can talk to other family members when calling for kids, I can stay out of sight and not talk to WW when droppingoff and picking up kids. Other than that, what more should I be doing?

I'd really like to see you have someone else doing the picking up and dropping off of kids. Yeah, I know it's a headache and a hassle, but it really would be the best way to handle it. First it keeps you buffered and away from the situation more and it sends a strong message that the boundaries you laid out are real.

Mike makes a good point that non-need-meeting as the focus of PlB has dropped into the background, but the fact remains that with you there to chat with, vent at or even parent in cooperation with the affair is easier to sustain. The things that he cannot do for her are not nearly as obvious when you are there to pick up the slack.... even in the smallest ways.

In a very real way she needs to hit bottom and discover that her addiction to this guy is harmful to her and that her life is out of control and unmanageable. When you continue to have contact you feed the illusion that she can have it all.... a concerned partner who is willing to let her betray everything that is important to your family.

Get an intermediary. Swallow your pride and ask for help.


I was more polite to her becasue she started to be more polite to me...I know that was a mistake on my part, but that is why. We do need to coordinate issues like the pre-school issue with each other.

No, it's never a mistake to be polite. It's a mistake to be in the position of needing to be polite or not.... in other words.... in contact.

No, you don't need to coordinate with her about those things. That's why you have an intermediary, someone to act as go between with messages and logistics.

What more can I do here? Don't be shy, let me have it with both barrels.

Well, I'm quite certain we are the only WI residents without firearms, so I can't do the both barrels thing..... but how's this for a try?:

GET AN INTERMEDIARY!!!!!!!

C

Ok, I get it...I need an intermediary...got it. working on it.

Next question: What do i do about our anniversary? It is comming up fast, 11/11. What is the proper course of action for this when in plan B? Do I ignore the day? Send her a card? Flowers? Or my favorite plan: get all dressed up in a tux, get her a HUGE (Kobe Bryant caliber) diamond engagement ring, stroll into her work, get down on one knee and ask her to marry me all over again. Tell her we can have a one year engagement, then renew our vows on our fourth anniversary.

Ok, I know the last one is a bit contrary to plan B, and maybe...just maybe a little over the top. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

What is a guy to do here?

<small>[ October 27, 2003, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by cerri:
[QB] No, it's never a mistake to be polite. It's a mistake to be in the position of needing to be polite or not.... in other words.... in contact.

I spoke to Steve Harley during one of my sessions on behalf of an MB friend who was in Plan B with kids and struggling with contact. I don't want to quote him directly because it was a long time ago and I can't, but the impression I got was if there had to be contact, by phone or at the door during an exchange, the way to come off was sort of happy but very busy, as if you were in the middle of a phone conversation in the other room. Don't leave an opening for idle chatter, no sad cow eyes inviting relationship talks, just a brief wave and off you go.

Not sure if that helps...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Want My Wife Back:
<strong>What is a guy to do here? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd say do nothing, but I'd be interested to hear what Jenn and Cerri think.

As far as the dropping the kids off and calling to talk to them, I have been handling as if I was in the middle of something and busy. I walk the kids half way up the walk, let them ring the bell and wave bye to them when WW answers the door. When I call, I ask to talk to the boys. When they are done talking, I say bye and hang up. No puppy dog looks, no teary eyed good byes. I'm REALLY working on it. Trying very hard to remain upbeat and happy. I figured the same, in that if I HAD to have contact that htis is the way it should be done.

Ok, on the anniversary, we have one vote for doing nothing. Anyone else want to chime in here....anyone....anyone...Bueller....Bueller...

I get asked this a lot. Why is it that anniversaries seem to come up soon after going into PlB? I dunno... anyway, my answer is always the same.

Thunderously deafening silence. Nothing. No card, no acknowledgment of any sort.

It is dropping your end of the tug-of-war rope and sends a much greater message than any words ever could. There is no room in your marriage for a threesome and you will not be part of it as long as such is the case.

And it keeps you from looking desperately whining. Definitely not an attractive thought.

Now the ring and the proposal? You could try it, but I think the fog would smother any good chance you had there.

C

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cerri:
<strong>Now the ring and the proposal? You could try it, but I think the fog would smother any good chance you had there.C </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stop it, you're encouraging him.

You know the legend of the Groundhog? I think that WS getting Plan B'ed are like Giant GroundFogs. They come out of their burrow to see signs of weakness. If they see one -- 6 more weeks of fog.

[Stop it, you're encouraging him.

Yes... sir.....<meekly backing off> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

In very narrow circumstances, I could see a reason to try it.... this is NOT it.

You know the legend of the Groundhog? I think that WS getting Plan B'ed are like Giant GroundFogs. They come out of their burrow to see signs of weakness. If they see one -- 6 more weeks of fog.


Oohhhhhh..... very poetic for a Monday morning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

C

Ok, two votes for doing nothing. Seems kinda like I just don't care about her anymore. I'm sure that's how she'll take it. I knwo she is in some heavy fog, but I'm sure that is how she and her family will take it. Her mom will be in her ear telling her that I'm a rotten, no good, so and so and not worth her. Not that I particularly care what her parents think, but I do care what W thinks. I agree that the whole ring-thing is too much. But, is sending her a card wishing her the baest on this day and saying that I'm thrilled to have been married to her for the last three years and hope to be for many more really a bad idea?

Now, I know, I am plan B illiterate. More so, I am plan B stupid. You guys explain it over and over and I just don't get the day to day details. Thanks for the patience, I am trying. I just don't know how I'd feel about leaving her out cold on our anniversary. No phone call, no card, no flowers...nothing??? I'm not talking sappy and weak, I'm just talking about expressing to her that I'm thinking about her on that day.

Ok, if you guys say so, I'll do that. But it doesn't seem right.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Want My Wife Back:
<strong> Now, I know, I am plan B illiterate. More so, I am plan B stupid. </strong>

Let's be nice and say you are Plan B-challenged.

WS are infamous for manipulation. They can be so fogged that they can move out, sleep with another party, and then blame the marital state on the absence of an anniversary card. All true.

She's fogged, and you can't play by her rules.

Let me try YET ANOTHER angle to explain this.

I'm a fairly good looking, financially successful guy, and I get the occasional passes thrown my way for PA. I could have fooled around a few toimes a year over the past 5 years. Maybe my W would never know.

What kept me from doing it is knowing in advance her reaction....two bounces down the front steps and half my assets.

What your contact during her affair says to your W is....I'm not doing anything wrong, or not something I can't recover from. I can always have my old life back...he's sitting there waiting. I can stay overnight two doors over. And he'll propose to me with a ring on our anniversary.

Faced with that, a WS is going to have her cake and eat it too...stay on the fence, play out the string, keep her options open, your analogy here.

If you start to stray from that....change the locks, threaten the affair by disclosing, make financial matters tough.....she is going to attack you where you are weakest -- your known desire to get back together. "You don't want me back"...very powerful statement, taken in isolation. Juxtaposed with her behavior, it can be seen for the ridiculous manipulation it is. But she will do anything she can to keep you both "in the game" competing for her affections. As cerri says, what you need to do right now is drop the rope in that tug of war. Let her know that she needs to commit back to the marriage and cut out the adultery.

Ok, I see your point Mike. Consider the rope dropped.

11/11 will come and go, nothing from me. What if she calls me? Or sends me a card? I suppose if she calls, I just let her go, huh...??? Seems rude, but I get it.


Thanks Mike.

Mike, you're scarin' me.... turning into Mr. Sensitive and all.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Actually everything you say is right on.

The thing is RJ, that what you imagine your feelings would be are not her reality right now. You are imagining how it would feel from the standpoint of someone WHO IS NOT AN ADDICT.

Your wife is an addict. She will not react to or feel about things the way you would expect pre-A. You must, must, must keep that in mind.

And if she calls.... don't you have caller id??? If not, get it. If she calls, don't answer or let it go to the machine, if it's your kids you can pick up.

C

Mike described as sensitive AND subtle. I must be on the wrong board...

WMWB: I would have kicked your butt too. I'm glad to see that cerri and Mike are on top of this. The Plan B should actually be much simpler than Plan A---no contact is no contact. If contact happens, it's pleasant and businesslike (stress the businesslike---no chit chat, no personal questions, etc).

Carry on, Mr. Sensitive...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by K:
<strong> Mike described as sensitive AND subtle. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know. My whole world is tumbling down around me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I'm going to go for a drive and see if I can impale a fawn in my brushbar...

Considering your W is in such a fog, would she even remember your Anniversary anyway? If she did while being with the OM, it would seem strange for her to make a fuss about it in his presence. I agree with the others. Silence will send a louder message to her than anything else. Sit back and see what happens. Here's another idea...If you can take yourself out and spoil yourself that day with or without friends. You deserve it. If you have the kids take them out and have a great time with them. That way you're not sitting at home wondering if the phone will ring or whether or not she will respond.

Yeah, she'll remember our anniversary. I'm sure that if I do anything it will be considered to be too much and smothering to her, but if I do nothing I'll be cold and cruel and accused of not really loving her or wanting her back. I see it as a "no win" situation. I think I'll do nothing and see what happens. If she makes a fuss, I'll just have to tell her that celebrating our anniversary is contingent apon us having a marriage to celebrate. If she wants to come back to the marriage I'd be glad to celebrate with her.

I don't think I'd be able to go out and have a good time on that night, without her. I think it will be a rather sad day for me. I think I'd be better off HEAVILY medicaated and going to bed early that night.

I'm sure that if I do anything it will be considered to be too much and smothering to her, but if I do nothing I'll be cold and cruel and accused of not really loving her or wanting her back.

This is precisely why you don't base your actions on what the WS says or does. It's like trying to build a house on quicksand.... won't work. There is nothing solid and real for a foundation.


she makes a fuss, I'll just have to tell her that celebrating our anniversary is contingent apon us having a marriage to celebrate. If she wants to come back to the marriage I'd be glad to celebrate with her.

<sigh> Would you like to change that statement before I lecture or afterwards.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

If she makes a fuss, you will not know it because you are not taking her calls, you have blocked her from your email and you will not return messages no matter what form they come in.

You will remain completely silent. No discussion, no debate and certainly no lecture like the one you cited above.

I don't think I'd be able to go out and have a good time on that night, without her. I think it will be a rather sad day for me. I think I'd be better off HEAVILY medicaated and going to bed early that night.

Yes, it will be a horrid day. But I predict the day before will be worse.... the anticipation always is. Why not get together with L&C? He can't be that far away, you could meet at MoA.

C

Thanks Cerri, for taking the time to keep me on the straight and narrow with all that you are going thruogh right now. I appreciate it more than you could ever know. My heart really goes out to you and your family. I read your latest post on your thread dealing with this, and you must be one amazing woman to be going thru whatever you are going thru and still staying here helping out all of us at the same time. Thank you, I mean really ...thank you. I thank God (my God that is...I'm a little confused about the rest of you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) for this site, these concepts, and all the support found here, mainly coming from you...and what's his name.

Anyway, I think I'll just have my Mom or Dad watch the kids for the night (my Anniversary). Take a fist full of anti-d's, drink a bottle of Canadian whisky, then when the bottle is dry I'll take a fist full of sleeping pills. Maybe take the next day off from work to recover. That seems like a perfectly appropriate way to deal with my problems... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !!! Now, whether or not I do this in public is another question. If I stay at home and trouble arises, the cops wont think much off it. I think this sort of thing happens quite often here (Cambridge is sort of a hill-billy town). But if I go to MOA, I'd probably end up in detox in Bloomington, and in front of a Hennipen County judge the next day. Much more long lasting legal affects. I don't know, I'll have to see how I feel and play it by ear. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

In any event, I'm not sure where L&C lives, other than over in 'scony with you-all. Besides, he's got his own problems, I don't think he'd want to actually watch me in aa drunken stuper, crying about my WW on my anniversary! Geez...I'm already embarrased about the prospect of it. Believe me, it won't be my most shining day. I think I need to drive to a town, far far away where nobody knows me.

I don't know, I guess I'm really not looking forward to that day.

<small>[ October 28, 2003, 03:06 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>