Thanks to those that respond. I'm reading all the posts trying to relate my experience to others.

Went to counselor today - alone. she called said she didn't think going to a marriage counselor was appropriate at this time but later if we were going to work on the marriage then she would go.
I am trying to maintain my cool but hard to do when i feel it is basically hopeless. Still trying to plan A. She is suppose to come over this week-end to help close the swimming pool and a few other things. At least maybe I can work on her en's. Thanks for listening. Kids really suffering.

devastated- Luckily you found this site in time. By the time I found it, I already made so many mistakes, it's going to be hard to recover. Have you let OM's wife know? That seems to help, to bring the A out in the open. Your meds will help, but they take awhile to kick in. In the meantime, keep posting here and read about it. Also go to counseling even if it is alone. You will need the support. We talk about "the fog" here. When our partners go into it, they are like a stranger, say things they don't mean, lie, don't think logically, do all kinds of out of character things. Since I've been on this board I've heard the same line "I love you, but am not in love with you" ( or however it goes ) so many times - they all say and do the same things. I compare it to the movie, "The Invasion of the Body Snatchers". Remember that one, where people were taken over - but looked the same and talked the same? Anyway take heart, there's lots of good advice and hope here. Tell our girls that their mother is not herself right now, but YOU are working on the marriage.

What steps have you taken as a part of Plan A?

Hi DD,

Keep a cool head, continue with the counselor, read all you can on this site and work on improving yourself.

You may need to expand on your situation for further insight if you feel like it.

Best of luck,

Eduard

Thanks for info.

I plan on telling OMW tomorrow. He/she live out of town and have unlisted phone so I am driving there to tell her in person. Have started to tell our friends about A. She of course doesn't want to, but she did E-Mail her parents that she had moved out. She said she would talk to them this week-end but I doubt if she will tell about A
I am trying to eliminate LB's and trying to meet what EN's I can since she is not at home. Just trying to keep things together with the kids. Been talking to her on phone since "lack of conversation" was one of many EN's I didn't meet.
I do have a specific question. When she moved out last Sunday (her idea) I told her that it was not right for her to live in our home while she was having an A but that she was not welcome back until A was over and she wanted to work on our M. Is this a LB?

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: devastated_dad ]</small>

Went to OMW at her work today. She knew of affair apparently he told her about same time WS told me. OMW is not filing for divorce thinks maybe a passing fancy. Felt sorry for her. Tonight I call WS to see how she is doing and she goes off on me as OMW told OM I came to visit and OMW was upset. (She wasn't upset when I left her as we exchanged phone #'s in case we needed to talk) OM tells WS that I am threating his family and wants to contact me to deal with me - bring it on I need to relieve some of this stress. I tell WS what does he think he is doing to my family by f**king around with my wife. Anyway so much for not LBing today. She did calm down before she hung up and stated she was not eating and was very depressed because not being with kids and probably would still come over this week-end to see them. Now what? Critique please someone.

Don't have enough info to do a critique. The fact that she calmed dowm is a good sign, I think, because I think it indicates some trust in you. So, despite any LB's, Plan A is probably working.

Don't take that to mean you should let yourself slip again - avoiding LB's is the most important step in Plan A, and it is something that you should continue in Plan B, if that happens, recovery if that happens, and the rest of your life in all your relationships

It might have been better if she stayed angry, because when the A is threatened, anger is a typical response. So the fact that she was able to calm down MAY mean she didn't see the A as threatened too much. OTOH, it may mean she doesn't care so much about the A as you might think at this point. There is just no way to know without seeing inside her head, which you cannot do. You just have to trust that the Harley's and others who use these strategies know what they are talking about.

One thing about Plan A. EVERY WS who has posted on the board about this, and WH himself has said: even though the BS felt like the WS was not noticing Plan A, they were. So don't get down when it seems that she does not notice, becasue she does. Don't get your hopes up if she seems to notice, because she is still in the A, so you are not out of the woods yet, and until there is NC and she is through withdrawal, recovery cannot even really start. Besides, she may just be trying to throw you a few bones so you don't walk and she can keep being a cake-eater. You've got to work the plan, detach a little, and not react to her. To try to analyse what is going on in her head is a fruitless endeavor, becasue you are not her.

BUT, just try to imagine yourself in her place, saying what she does and acting as she does. When I went through that little exercise, I decided that as much as being the BS hurt, there is no way I would volunteer to change roles with my wife. No way.

<small>[ October 10, 2003, 12:37 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Thanks J39 Sometimes I kinda think I know what I'm suppose to do but most of the time I feel totally uninformed - kinda like an idiot. Sometimes I get my hopes up a little then others I think I'm wasting my time. This is hard.

DD-
We are in the same hell: not knowing what to do, loving WS without return, A ongoing, wanting WW and then not. I too feel like an idiot a lot of the time with respect to A and attending to W's ENs. Plan A is hard (only 3 days for me) and it is hard with so little contact with WW because they are out of the house. Be strong.

I've started reading HNHN and SAA. It really changes the way you look at WS. I see her as hurt and lonely more than I do malicious and cruel. Doesn't change the facts but is changing my heart to be more attentive to her needs. Know that you are not alone and read everything you can here.

I'll be praying for you.

Thanks Roller for the encouraging words.

Talked to her today and although still angry about yesterdays conversation did say she was still coming over this weekend and we had a nuetral conversation concerning kids. Believe she only coming to see kids but what the heck I can at least try out my EN's support on her. We'll see if she shows and how long she stays.

I do know she is suffering by not being with kids as she told me she couldn't eat and was starting to catch a cold. I emplored her to take care of herself in order to fight the stress she's going through. I've got to take care of her! But it's hard when she's not here. Did re-read sections of HNHN tonight to prepare for tomorrow.

I'm nervous about seeing her. Have't seen her since she move out. Just thinking about seeing her makes my heart beat super fast.

This whole thing sucks!

wow, you are sure in the thick of things. I am new to this sight and have just started to read and try to understand where things 'come from' on the board, and understanding the abbreviations, I have to keep looking them up.

I wish you so much strength and hope that what ever the out come of this weekend is, you will be ok. Love your kids, its ok for them to know you are hurting, so are they, and the see it in you. Kids know more than we ever realize. Its ok to let them know you are sad and hurting = you are!! You don't need to get into the details, they sure don't need to hear that from you!! They will know eventually, even if you and your wife get through this all, they will know. But don't bad mouth her to them at all.

Good luck and I will be thinking of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by devastated_dad:
<strong>.... When she moved out last Sunday (her idea) I told her that it was not right for her to live in our home while she was having an A but that she was not welcome back until A was over and she wanted to work on our M. Is this a LB?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO, your request is not an LB. Why? Because she is the one who abandoned her family by having the A. You are showing the respect for your family is important. All family members should have respect and love for each other. Her A is an insult to your family unit.

As for her hurting not seeing the children, this is a good thing but don't give in too easily. Her pain is her choice. You make sure her pain does not become your choice.

The frustration you feel c/b because your heart and mind are not in sync..... yet. It will be and then it will be easier to help make changes or decisions.

You are actually doing quite well for the timeframe you are in. I am sure the OM's W was not as upset as your W is trying to make you believe. Imagine that from your meeting with OM's W to your W's rendition, a lot of fog causing embelishments have occured. You can be sure that each person (OM and WS) have added their spin on your account with OM's W and now you are painted to be the 'bad guy'. Don't buy into that pain for 1 second.

As for the OM contacting you. See if you are ok with that, if not, send the message that he can speak to you when you are ready.

Not giving the WS and OP control of your life is vital to your personal recovery.

take care,
L.

filly don't beat yourself up for not seeing what's happening in front of you eyes. I you trust them you overlook a lot of things

Orchid thank you for your support. I thought at the time I told her the right thing, but had second thoughts since it's hard to implement plan A with her out of house. I think I will stick to the fact that end the A (or tell me you did) or stay away from our home.

gotta go talk next week.

LYA (Love you all)

Gosh, I sure know what you mean about trust. I would have trusted my WS anytime, any place with anyone. I have to trust the experts who say the trust can be rebuilt.

How has it gone this weekend? How are you holding up? Are you ok? Did you and she get anywhere? I've been thinking about you. I hope you are ok.

How did the week-end go?

I don't know. She came over 11 am Saturday, stayed til 8 pm. Helped around house, helped me with dinner for the kids and us. Went shopping took kids to friends, just like we were married couple.

At first I felt euphoric just glad to have her by my side. Happy! Toward the end of evening I kept looking at her and imagining what her and OM had been doing during the week and hatred started to creep into my mind.

I was kinda used to her not being here (this is first time I saw her since she moved out last week) and this just kinda got my hopes up again.

Did have one conversation about A and OM character but it wasn't a LB i don't think because she started conversation and I didn't argue, get mad or anything, just made my point.

Went over her head because of fog.

Today sister in law called for her I said WS doesn't live here anymore and gave her new #. She was shocked of course since WS didn't tell own brother who is her boss that she had moved out.

WS a little pissed when she talke to me later and ask if I was going to tell everyone. I said yes since that was the truth and that she should by telling everyone where she was since she moved out.

Anyway I don't know how this week-end went. She is still talking to me and I am supposed to help at her place tomorrow with project.

Comments please - I'm dying here.

Almost forgot - I gave her my copy of HNHN this week-end and she said she would read it. Now I wonder if I just made it better for her and OM

<small>[ October 12, 2003, 08:10 PM: Message edited by: devastated_dad ]</small>

How was your communicating? Did she seem happy to be 'home'? How were your kids with her? Did she cry when she saw them?

If you just continue on without her, and she sees her children less and less, her FAMILY less and less (that includes you!) It will start to sink in what she has possibly lost I would think. You sound like such a nice guy, I feel for you, this just sucks doesn't it?

I would start changing things in the house a bit, maybe move the furniture, paint or redo a room, that would freak me out if I was the one gone and felt like my husband was truly changing things, it would break my heart!! I would also, the next time she was going to come over, make it very casual, and have friends coming over later, after she left, and be busy getting ready for that, it would bother her and make her think!! Or better yet, be planning a sleep over for the kids, and DON"T include her, that will start the old ticker going, not to mention her mind will start thinking about it ALOT!! She is in jepordy of losing her FAMILY!! Make her see that!! You don't need to be mean at all, don't throw it in her face, just go about your business and let her stew about it. As a mother, that will truly get her thinking. Be kind, yet don't be sappy and all, just be a dad.

Oh, what kind of project are you helping her with?

I would be nice when you were there, and get the job done and LEAVE!! I have to hand it to you, I don't think I would be as gracious as to go help H if he moved out. But then again, I would not want him turning to janie poo either, so I guess you are doing the right thing. Good luck and I think it sounds like the weekend went ok. MAKE HER MISS YOU!!!

Go to a great beauty shop and have your hair truly styled, get some new clothes, take care of you!! So even though you are hurting inside, you look great, I know this sounds lame, but that is what I am going to do, I may feel like I'm living in hell, but I am going to look good while I'm there!! And trust me, she will notice!!

She seemed happy to be at home. Cryed when thought about being away from home and away from kids.

I would like to ignore her but part of missing EN was conversation so I am taking every opportuntiy to talk to her. E-mail, phone in person.

Went to her "home" monday afternoon to help with few minor projects (replace electric switches) etc. Ask her if she and sister wanted to go grap bite and beer and watch monday football at local pub. After finding it was okay with sis said yes
We three went had good time. Very plutonic but at least I spent time with her talking. Not much chance for affection (other EN I was way short on) but at least spending time with her.

Am going to make few minor changes around house. Was leaving it exactly as she left it but now think changes are in order.

Feel more and more like getting on with life but promised self give plan A a couple of months. I must get an academy award for being mr nice guy, not angry or yelling when inside I am dying and just want to scream obsenities at her.

Sounds like she is already starting to miss her life. When you say move on, do you mean move ahead without her? It sounds like, by your actions that it is getting to her. Good. I have been reading alot the past few days, and on the success stories, it seems once people can get past it all and rebuild, things do get real good, sometimes even better. As much as I hate this feeling, after all, it is life, we are handed many obsticles, and cheating, while inflicted by one whom we love and trust, is about as hard an obsticle to over come as it gets. However, I believe that all marraiges deserve that work, I watched my kids the other day and thought of yours. It is worth it to try to put it back together, don't give up. No one said it will be easy, but you might find in the end, it was worth it. If not, at least you know that you tried. I have read the plans, and they seem to make alot of sense. Try to follow them and I truly hope all goes well with you no matter what the outcome is. And keep letting me know how it is going, I care.

filly