You know, this is a fantastic site. Just to be able to get the feelings, emotions and thoughts out to people who are completely nonjudgemental is so comforting. Well, I feel like we have had somewhat of a breakthrough last night and this morning. He has finally admitted to being involved with the OW. He is still defensive and will not answer any specific questions, but it is a start. I did read all the info on this site and really tried to do things as I understood them, but I found that very uncomfortable and difficult. Plus, I don't know how much it changes the situation when your partner is telling you he doesn't love you and doesn't want you anymore. Actually, I really don't believe that he doesn't (love me that is). I think he has hyper-rationalized everything until he has convinced himself that I am the source of his unhappiness. He is the first to admit that I have done nothing terrible to destroy this relationship and I think he does realize that his dishonesty and secrecy, as well as his withdrawl have prevented me from being able to meet many of his needs. He has slowly, but surely, shut me out of his life. We have decided that we will make some serious decisions about our relationship the weekend when we are both free to focus our attention soley on each other. He says he will tell the OW that it is over, at least temporarily. I don't know if I believe this, but I have no choice. He says he doesn't know what he wants and needs some time, with no relationship with either of us, to find out. Again, I don't know if I believe this. He did not say that he was ending it with her permanantly. So, I guess he is having a hard time deciding between her and me. I would like your take on this. Especially from men who have had EA and maybe used this same language, and what the true feeling is in that type of situation. He knows that I will do nothing dramatic to interfere in that aspect of his life, because they are co-workers, he knows I would not do anything to jeoporadize his job, which he worked very hard for. It is very hard for me that he still tries to protect her. I told him he did not need to protect her from me, that I already knew the affair was real, but that I knew we would never be able to work past it without him admitting it. I know in a lot of ways that my story is not unique, but I guess everyone feels to a certain degree that it is. I have found that I cannot follow plan A, maybe modified, but I find it impossible to be a doormat. So, I basically just laid it all on the table. Just told him I still love him, despite everything and that I am willing to try to get past this. I am willing to wait for him to decide, and just hope for the best. I have not made things easy for him, but I cannot hide my true feelings. You know, when I read through the basic needs that need to be met for a successful relationship, I really cannot see where I have significantly failed to meet any of them. I do, however, realize that he has not met most of mine for a long while. Of course, some of his needs have not been met by me in the recent past, but that is because he took away the opportunity for me to do so. I guess because he had someone else already meeting those needs. I am trying to be stong and patient, but the waiting and wondering is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

Good Morning,
You seem to have made it through the night in good shape - even talking to him and getting somewhere with the conversation. That has to be good if you want to stay with him.

Could you do one thing for me? Would you put some spaces in your paragraphs to break up the lines of your posts a little bit? That would make it easier to read. Look at my posts to you if you wonder what I mean. One big long block of text is more difficult to follow.


You know, this is a fantastic site. Just to be able to get the feelings, emotions and thoughts out to people who are completely nonjudgemental is so comforting.

We are like you, we came here to improve our relationships. Many are dealing with affairs as you are, some like me are seeking ways to improve things but cope with no affair. I will say again, this will be a process. You can't turn a switch and have everything be OK. Even if he came totally clean today, expressed remorse and said he wanted to make everything up to you there are habits to unlearn, and new ones to create. It will take time no matter what happens.

There are things you can learn that will help also. I came here almost two years ago - I lurked for 4 months before I first posted. After nearly two years we have much improvement but I feel we still have a ways to go. We are still learning - things we thought we knew. I tell you this because I don't want you to get discouraged. So, this is a process, and it is a slow process.

Well, I feel like we have had somewhat of a breakthrough last night and this morning. He has finally admitted to being involved with the OW. He is still defensive and will not answer any specific questions, but it is a start. I did read all the info on this site and really tried to do things as I understood them, but I found that very uncomfortable and difficult.

Remember we are not counselors. We are not, but we do learn some things as we read here. When I first came, I began reading. Reading has always been my main hobby in life and I put all my effort to reading old threads on this MB forum. I have probably read over 5,000 threads from beginning to end and I have learned that Dr Harley knows what he is doing. You are exactly right in that it feels uncomfortable and difficult.

It is doing what feels comfortable that gets us into trouble in the first place. Have you ever heard this: "you need to get outside your comfort zone."
We have thought patterns and habits that we grow up with, or grow into that are easy for us, and they are not always the best way to do things. This is particularly true with marriage recovery. (or in your case, relationship recovery, I kind of get going and use terms I am used to - perhaps I should get outside my own comfort zone.)

If you read on the main part of the site about DR Harley's background you can see he has been doing this a long time and he has tens of thousands of histories he draws when he recommends to do things a certain way. I have seen many make the same comment as you have but later come back and tell us that it worked like it was supposed to work. There is no way I can think of to really get this across to you, until you have seen the thousands of stories I have seen showing that it works.

Plus, I don't know how much it changes the situation when your partner is telling you he doesn't love you and doesn't want you anymore. Actually, I really don't believe that he doesn't (love me that is). I think he has hyper-rationalized everything until he has convinced himself that I am the source of his unhappiness. He is the first to admit that I have done nothing terrible to destroy this relationship and I think he does realize that his dishonesty and secrecy, as well as his withdrawl have prevented me from being able to meet many of his needs. He has slowly, but surely, shut me out of his life.

He is quoting from the WS script. If you get "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley ( some libraries have it) it can tell you other things to expect him to say and do - and more important, how you can react to get the best outcome. They say things like this to make them selves feel better for betraying you. If you are a rotten person and it is all your fault, then it is NOT THEIR FAULT. It is a coping mechanism of the mind to take the guilt from them and shift the blame to you.


We have decided that we will make some serious decisions about our relationship the weekend when we are both free to focus our attention solely on each other. He says he will tell the OW that it is over, at least temporarily. I don't know if I believe this, but I have no choice. He says he doesn't know what he wants and needs some time, with no relationship with either of us, to find out. Again, I don't know if I believe this.

Again, this will be a process. You want more than anything for him to say he will give up OW and commit to you. What usually happens is that they can't decide for quite some time. Affairs are a chemical addiction as well as emotional. I can't find the references but I have seen links posted here to studies about affairs that conclude that the excitement of A's produces chemicals in the brain that produce euphoria and they are very addicting. He may have a hard time giving up OW because of the addiction, just as someone that smokes has a hard time giving up tobacco. I have a next door neighbor that smokes and has quit a thousand times (he says) but he goes back to it. He hates it and has shed tears over it, but he hasn't been able to quit yet.

I am not telling you this to make excuses for him. I want you to realize that he may have every intention of giving up OW and committing to you, but he may not be able to do it as easily as you think he ought to, or even as he thinks he wants to. So often people say something like: "choose between us, her or me, and if you ever talk to her again, I'm out of here."

It usually works better to formulate a plan for recovery that realizes that there may be setbacks but that these can be worked around to produce long term gains. That is one reason I recommend you call the Harleys for counseling - it may only take a few sessions to get that plan in place and you would be a lot happier.

Anyway, I doubt that by the weekend you will get anything out of him. You may spend the time discussing things he can do to regain your trust, and how he is going to be accountable to you. Remember that this is not a cut and dried thing. You negotiate to get what you want, and you find a starting place. You usually don't get closure from these first conversations. They often say they want time away to make a decision, but often that means they want to get away so they can meet OW without you knowing. If you can get him to stay, and spend time with you, it usually works out better.


He did not say that he was ending it with her permanently. So, I guess he is having a hard time deciding between her and me. I would like your take on this. Especially from men who have had EA and maybe used this same language, and what the true feeling is in that type of situation. He knows that I will do nothing dramatic to interfere in that aspect of his life, because they are co-workers, he knows I would not do anything to jeopardize his job, which he worked very hard for. It is very hard for me that he still tries to protect her. I told him he did not need to protect her from me, that I already knew the affair was real, but that I knew we would never be able to work past it without him admitting it. I know in a lot of ways that my story is not unique, but I guess everyone feels to a certain degree that it is.

You are living your story, you are right in the middle of it. It is HARD, and that is an understatement. I think I already covered why he doesn't say he is ending it for good. They often tell you it is over and try to hide it better and continue it because of the addiction. There are those on the site what were the WS, and they often tell us (after recovery) that they can't understand how they could do that, it made no sense at all but they seemed powerless to stop. The way they relate it, it was like something had taken them over and they watched from a distance as they would lie and set up another meeting with the OP all the while wondering how in the world they could be doing it, and how they could ever get out of it. Again, I am NOT trying to make excuses for him - you need as much information as you can possibly get about this.


I have found that I cannot follow plan A, maybe modified, but I find it impossible to be a doormat. So, I basically just laid it all on the table. Just told him I still love him, despite everything and that I am willing to try to get past this. I am willing to wait for him to decide, and just hope for the best. I have not made things easy for him, but I cannot hide my true feelings.

Many people think of plan A as being a doormat when they first learn about it. Lets talk about that some. You don't need to hide your feelings. In fact, you need to express your feelings so he understands that you are not OK with what he is doing/has done. Plan A would have you relate your feelings but with dignity and respect. See, OW is nice to him. When he talks to her, she is saying things like: "You poor thing, she is so mean to you, I'll take care you and love you."

At the same time, many that find out about their partner's affair are saying things like this: "you jerk, you dog, how could you do this to me? You are scum, you are low life, why should I even look at you?"

Which one looks best to him? Who does he want to spend time with?

I am not saying you are doing this, but it usually happens something like that. It works better to express your feelings but remain respectful.

" I feel betrayed by what you are doing. I am so hurt and sad to think about this. It has affected my health, I can't eat, I can't sleep, sometimes I feel like I am coming apart. I love you and want to make our relationship work, but I can't do that alone. It is going to take joint effort and much work and that's what I want to spend time talking about now. Name calling and blame casting won't restore our relationship, so lets work on this with love in our hearts, not anger............."

So, you are not a door mat, but you need not cast blame, or get angry to plan for recovery. I will give a reference at the end to more about plan A.

You know, when I read through the basic needs that need to be met for a successful relationship, I really cannot see where I have significantly failed to meet any of them. I do, however, realize that he has not met most of mine for a long while. Of course, some of his needs have not been met by me in the recent past, but that is because he took away the opportunity for me to do so. I guess because he had someone else already meeting those needs. I am trying to be strong and patient, but the waiting and wondering is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

One of the things I found when my W and I did the needs questionnaire was that my needs are very different from hers. I was giving her what I wanted, and she was giving me what she wanted. We are learning to give each other what THEY want, not what we want. I have learned a lot about her in the last two years, and we have been married for 26 years. You still have much to learn, and I grin when I say that, I am not being sarcastic.

As far as waiting and wondering, yes, this is often the most difficult part of this. I would guess it will take 6 months to a year before you will feel comfortable again. It will be hard, and I would not be truthful to tell you otherwise.


Now, having said all of this - it's your life. We help as best we can. Please understand we do what we can, but it remains for you to learn and apply what you learn if you want success. It may very well be the most difficult thing you ever do in your life to get recovery out of this. I don't know if he will change, but I believe plans A and B will give you the best chance at recovery if that's what you want. Give your self some time to know what you want. Even if the talks this weekend don't go well, please don't get angry and tell him off. That's known as burning your bridges, and you don't need that YET. You have time, and you have control of your life. Not his, but yours. You can leave at any time, so why not wait a few months and see what happens? Remember when you are discussing things that you control what you will do, not him. He can't make you angry without your consent. He can't make you stay if he continues to disrespect you - you can leave if you want. While you can't control him, he can't control you either, and that is a major thing to remember.

Plan A is not being a doormat, it is meeting his needs, refraining from LB's and negotiating for him to end the affair. Here are some links to info about it.

NSR's links to info about plan A and B

Mthrrhbard on Plan A and natural consequences

Rules for successful recovery

Living with Relationship Disaster

Plan A, and who am I ( Pepperband)

cerri on plan A


Please forgive me for giving you so much at once, but I wanted you to have it before your discussion with him this weekend.

Hope this helps,

SS

OK, after thinking long and hard about if I was meeting his emotional needs, which I obviously could not have been or I would not need to be on this site, I take back my earlier comment that I feel like I was meeting his needs. #1 sexual fulfillment-I honestly felt like I was meeting this need. We actually had a very active and passionate sex life until the A began. We do not now. I have tried numerous times to initiate and he rejects. #2 conversation- again, I feel that until the A began this was not a significant problem, but is now, because he withdrawls from me, though I am still trying and having some success. #3 Affection- this has been on and off. He actually is very sensitive, and I feel when he was confused about what he wanted he felt guilty being affectionate with me, as he was trying to break with me slowly. I have been trying to be affectionate with him, with some success. #4 recreational companionship- now, this is an interesting one. We did have some things that we did together and had fun. He stopped asking me to do these things and declined when I asked him. I do think this is high on his list. Also, he really enjoys skiing and white water rafting and takes 3 or 4 trips per year with long time friends. It is a "guy" thing sort of trip and I have never been invited. #5 physical attractiveness- now I am a pretty woman, or so I have been told. I have never felt that this was a significant problem. However, I do know that I don't TRY to make myself up very often. I generally don't do anything special with my hair, make-up or clothing. I have also gained some weight over the last few years (which I am losing rapidly due to present circumstances). I am making more of an effort to make myself attractive to him now. #6 admiration-I know I have taken him for granted occ, but I do feel that I have been fairly good about showing admiration, even more so now. I have been making an extra effort to show him and tell him that I DO know and appreciate his good points, and remind him of all the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place. #7 domestic support- now this is a tricky one. I don't know what all falls under this category. He has no children, I do. I have the responsibility of my children and do most of the domestic duties, although he does help. #8 honesty and openness- I know I have been completely honest and open with him. #9 family commitment- again, tricky. He has no children but makes constant comments that we don't feel like a family. I know he has some difficulty knowing what role he should be playing in my children's life. I have tried to guide him, but this is definitely not his strong point. #10 financial support- this is a subject we have discussed numerous times. He makes significantly more money then I. He has always insisted on taking on the bulk of financial burden. He is awful at it, but refuses to pool our resources or let me help. I also bought a new car a year ago, which he was against. I realize what a mistake that was, and have been totally open with him about how sorry I was not to have gotten his imput on such an important decision. So, I don't feel I was doing so bad, actually, most of the problem DID occur after the A began. He on the other hand is only meeting 2 of 10 for me. I guess I never had an affair because I never put myself in situations in which I might be tempted to do so. Not that I haven't fantasized about it. The sexual frustration is especially difficult, I guess because a lot of my other emotional needs can be met by friends or family, but that one is a lot more complicated, as I am not the type of person to go looking for it. And I honestly desire him, no one else. Unfortunately my printer is on the fritz today, but I definitely plan on printing out the questionaire by this weekend so we can complete them and discuss. I do think that will help. Especially as he does have problems telling me exactly where it is I have been lax, this may open him up some. Anyway, just letting of some steam and clearing my head, appreciate everyone who reads and replies to my posts!

Looks like I was writing at the same time as you were (my big post before your last one) - I'll let you read it and comment before I get back you much more.

Many of the problems in relationships are from needs not met, but someitmes people have other problems as well. Sexual Addiction, and so on. I am not good enought to tell you what is going on in his head, but if you learn enough, you may be able to see it down the road. As I said, it takes time.

You are doing well to look at things as you are, but don't let it consume you. Take time to exercise, and maintain your health. Find a way to get your mind off things and relax - at least sometimes this week.

SS

<small>[ October 30, 2003, 12:09 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

CPX,
you have some good insights, please continue to post.

SS

SS, I appreciate your input. I think this is a two fold problem. I do feel that he feels I was not meeting his needs, he said point blank that he was unhappy and that is why he had the A. I don't think that is completely truthful. I think he was getting bored and the A was and/or still is fun. He stopped giving me the opportunity to meet his needs and completely stopped caring for mine, other than financial support. As if that would make up for everything else. I now realize that I have been doing MAJOR LOVE BUSTING. I have cried, begged, tried to make him feel guilty, threatened violence to myself, verbally attacked him, openly told him I would follow his every move and make his life hell. Of course, after I calmed down, I apologized, and I do think he understands I was just very upset. I just keep swinging from one exteme to the other- anger and despair. I believe I was very reasonable with him this morning, although there were some tears. I tried to tell him how much I love him and tried to make clear all of his good aspects and the fact that I do appreciate those things. I have made it clear that I am ready and willing to make changes to myself to meet his needs. I feel that is why we did have a slight breakthrough this am. I just don't know how I will react if after he takes "his time" to figure things out, he tells me it is over for good. I do think he is trying to string me along until he decides how he feels about the OW. I think that is bad, but I can not prevent him from continuing the affair, if he is doing so. So, I will wait for him, try to make myself as appealing as possible to him, and hope he at least decides he wants to participate in repairing this relationship, as that would be so much easier. Especially because he can so easily keep the rest of his life secret from me.

Sorry SS!
I did not see your previous post until after my last one. I will try to break up my paragraphs, I guess it just feels like thats the way it all comes out of my head, continuous and without a break <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So, I must say, I think you are very, very wise!
I have just let my emotions take over my control. I have entered our conversations with the best of intentions and then just fell apart. I think I am getting more control over my emotions at this point.

All of this stuff makes perfect, rational sense to me. I can see how Plan A can work. I am going to try. I know I will have some slips, but I think I can make some progress. And even though he may not be an active participant, I think he will respond somewhat to my attention.

OK, the most difficult part for me, he has already said that anything I do at this point would be construed by him as articifical. I have tried to explain to him that if it is done because I love him, how can that be artificial. I think he wants to think this, as a defense against me. What do ya think?

Another thing, this is complicated, so please bear with me. Our home is in the middle of being remodeled. Most of the work was being done by a friend. This friend is now building a home for the OW. My SO had been and plans to continue to help his friend, when needed, on this house.
The thing is, our house is not done, but this friend is making significantly better money on the OW house, so he gave it priority.

Now, my SO says he is helping his friend because they are "trading labor", and the friend will help finish our house, without pay, when he is done with the other one. Now, I believe this to any extent, but how can I trust him to go out to work on her house? I told him I can handle it as long as she is not there, but I will not know if she is or not. I definitely can't go out there.

I must add that the OW is not married and she also sees various different men. We live in a small town and this is common knowledge. My SO knows this, but does not seem to care. He tried to convince me that yes, he is having any affair, but it is not with her. I almost believed it, but again, I think that was him trying to protect her. He never says her name unless he is trying to be mean and spiteful (as he was last night). I guess I badgered him a little too much and he went on the offensive.

When I asked him last night to please admit the truth, he just looked at me very coldly and said "I enjoy the company of other women, does that tell you enough". I told him no, It does not.

Well, I guess I know he is still hiding alot of stuff from me and he may be having multiple A or this one may be of longer duration and more importance than he has led me to believe. It said this am "I have made no kind of commitment to her". I think he does realize that this person will not be a long term relationship, but the novelty has not worn off yet. I find myself wondering if he will be a repeat, it won't be as easy for him, because I am now aware. I can only try to meet his needs and hope that is enough.

He does know how much he has hurt me. He also knows I will not stay, no matter how much I love him, if the affair continues. This was not presented to him as an ultimatum, but as simple fact. So, I do feel I have done some things right.

I am going to be a little bold with my opinion. It would appear to me that this man has a serious problem with fidelity and probably always has. What has his past history been like with committed relationships before you? From your posts I get the sense he's the charmer, ladies man type and has never been able to truly committ to one woman. I think he has some serious problems to fix. Do you really think he is healthy marriage material? Though you are deeply connected to this man, you are not yet married, and I think you should run away as fast as you can. I may be way off on my assessment and I apologize if I am, but please, do some serious thinking about the type of person he is and whether you want to committ your life to trying to fix this man.

1. You are not crazy.

2. You are not crazy.

3. You are not crazy.

Hey, life is tough enough, without him telling you it is all your fault.

All the signs are there that much of his problem is his own personality. It may be true that you failed to meet some of his needs. You may be responsible for part of the state of your relationship, but not for him having an A. That part is all his fault. Remember that we are here to help you with your choices. You still get to make the choices - stay, or leave, that part is up to you.

Jilliana makes some good points, but I see my job as supporting you in what you choose to do. It is always wise to examine your reasons for staying to see if they help you reach your long term goals.

Jilliana, don't appoligize, your opintion is valueable too.

There is so much to read, but I highly recommend you get "Buyers, Renters, and freeloaders" that John suggested in his links and read it that before too much time goes on. It may help you frame your goals for the next few years.

I work full time. Because I am self employed, I can sometimes do large posts in the middle of the day. Sometimes I cannot, and it may be a while before I can come back and reply properly. Please know that I do care, even if it takes me time to get back to you.

SS

<small>[ October 30, 2003, 02:18 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

SS and Jilliana,
Thank you both so much for your input!

I can definitely see what you are saying, Jilliana, I also think he may be a habitual cheater. The truth is, he has never been a another serious relationship. His last relationship that lasted any significant amount of time was in high school.

I do, in a way, think I should just leave. I know I am afraid. I know that I at least think I love him. But, I guess I question that because I now know, have thought about the fact that he meets none of my needs except financial support. I know that the financial support will continue reguardless of if I stay or leave, at least temporarily until i don't need it anymore.

I just don't know what to think of him. A part of me tells me he is a dog and will never stop doing what he does. But, he is an excellent liar, and it makes me continuously question what I thought I believed. I know in my head that I should leave. I just read something like "if he is trying to choose between you and the OP, its time for plan B". Gee, I never even really got to try plan A. But he obviously is trying to decide between us.

Now I know that no one here can really tell me what I need to do. It is so hard, because my head tells me to go and my heart says to stay. I have analyzed myself so much, I have even thought that maybe it is more about the fact that he is rejecting me, and it would be different if I had made the decision. Its like a part of me saying, "no way, he's not even going to tell me that I am not good enough for him". Some of that is trying to save my ego, I am sure.

The other thing is, I will stay in this area until june of next year, if I leave. This for my son, who is a freshman in high school and does not want to change schools in the middle of the year. This will be hard for me, because I know I will be always trying to see him with whoever, or trying to discover who he is with now. So, maybe it is a case of I don't really want him anymore, I just don't want anyone else to have him, and it is like she won.

That may sound shallow, but these are the kinds of things that I have been trying to learn about myself and my feelings.

Thanks for listening and thanks for all your support!

Tammy (my real name)

Plan B is called plan B because it comes after plan A. Plan B won't work by itself.

However, if you want to leave, you can leave. You know him better than we do, you have to judge what you think your chances are of long term success with him. I would almost bet it was him that wanted to avoid marriage, and that he talked you into thinking that not getting married was the better way to go this time around.

That statement he made was enough for me, I think it is an admission of guilt.

SS

The fact that this man is supposedly known in the business community as a wh*re, and supposedly has had multiple affairs during the time you have been together, two previous work relationships before you, and then his cold, harsh statement to you that he "enjoys the company of other women" leaves me with a disgusted impression of him. You have done nothing wrong and do not deserve to be talked to like this. His lack of compassion in his cold statement really upsets me.

How reliable was your source of information?

Tammy,

I hear what you are saying about the whole ego thing and that it seems like she won. A long time ago I went back to an abusive relationship (one that I had previously left) for those very same reasons. In my case, I should have let her win. He was no prize. I spent the next 5 years very unhappy until I finally left for good.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. You will make the decision that is right for you, sooner or later.

Jilliana,
Thank you so much for your support. As difficult as it is for me, I have come to the conclusion that I need to get away from him. I have tried to speak openly with him, asked him to complete the emotional needs questionaire, asked him to go to relationship counselor with me, all with no response from him.

I also just realized that he never did voice regret over the affair, and I don't believe he has any intention of ending it. He says he told her yesterday that he can't see her for "a while".

I think he is afraid I will cause trouble for them at work. He is a local administrator and she is an employee under his charge. With his hx of this behavior, he knows that if a complaint or concern was filed with corporate office, an investigation would follow and he, and she, would likely lose their jobs. He was transferred previously for same thing. But, with him showing a pattern, he is a big risk for an eventual sexual harassment suit if one of his affairs goes sour. He is aware of this.

I now know I can not degrade myself any longer by sitting around and waiting for him to decide to give me another chance. It should be the other way around, he is the guilty party, he should be the one asking for another chance.

It will be very hard for me, as I will continue to wonder where he is, who he is with, and what he is doing. I simply told him this morning that I still love him, but I have lost all respect for him, and I don't want him anymore. He just acted relieved, so I know I have made the right decision for me. I do think he will miss me when I am gone. He is so used to "having his cake and eating it too", that he is going to have to get used to coming home to an empty house. I know he will find that the OW is not a long term relationship, but he has to find that out on his own, and I have no intention of waiting for him to do that.

I will live my own life and try to get myself back on track. I have started back on my antidepressant (haven't taken for over a year), so hopefully that will also help me pull through this. I have found that I do have friends I can rely on to support me, but I still don't feel very comfortable talking to my family, embarrassed I guess. I think its just the fact that I am 35 yrs old and should be stable, but just keep failing at this whole relationship thing. And the truth is, I don't want to spend another 5 years of my life trying to find out if someone is right for me again. That scares me. But, I guess its human nature to want someone to love and to love you and I know its trial and error. I do really think I will have a very hard time trusting again.

Well, I must add that despite my decision to leave, I do still have the hope in my heart that he will come back to me. I am prepared for the fact that he may not.

I do think that he is at the point of he doesn't want me, but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. I believe this because of some comments he has made that showed jealously.
I know he really is expecting me to just sit around and be there for him if he decides he does want me after all.

Although I have no desire to be with anyone else, I would love to see his reaction if he did see me with someone. But that would be using that person and I can't do that, besides, I think I'm a little scared that he wouldn't care.

I feel my sources of information and pretty reliable. He doesn't actually deny anything, just laughs it off, like the whole concept is ridiculous. The only thing he apologizes for is for not telling me that he was unhappy, and for not telling me sooner that it was over. He says it does not matter if the OW is out of the picture, it does not change anything between us. I think this is BS, but he is so stubborn and I know that no amount of talking on my part is going to change that.

Although we are not married legally, on paper, it felt like we were, so I guess my perceptions of the event are just as traumatic as if we were. It just makes things less complicated in the end.

Again, thanks for all the support and input, it really does help just to be able to vent.

I have tried so hard to be rational about everything. I know in my head what I should, and need to do. The truth is, I am falling apart.

I have not eaten in 8 days. I am dehydrated. I am having several panic attacks every day. That is especially not good, as I have a mild heart defect and the racing heart rate from the anxiety does not help. I am drinking some fluids, but I am extremely nauseous. I know my son is concerned, and I hate that, but I can not force myself to eat, it just gets stuck in my throat.

I know I should go to talk to someone professional about this, but I have no job, no health insurance. And I find I am unable to pursue a job (I could go to work easily enough), as I do not think I could function at this moment. Maybe in a week or two. I know the worst of this will pass, but it is so hard in the meantime.

I have been experiencing something odd and just wondering if anyone else out there has had similar thing.
I just noticed today that I am taking 3 or 4 baths every day. I literally started to get up to go get in the bathtub and realized I had just taken a bath a couple of hours ago. I know I did not do this before. I think part of it is because it is relaxing. Could this be some subconscious thing? I don't know why I should feel "dirty". But I do know that when he touches me sometimes I just get disgusted, thinking about his hands being on her.
Just wondering if anyone else has done this type of behavior after finding out about an affair.
I also just realized that when I was in the hospital in aug with a heart problem, he was involved with OW already. Just to think he was with her while I was in the cardiac care unit really makes me angry.

I have been experiencing something odd and just wondering if anyone else out there has had similar thing.
I just noticed today that I am taking 3 or 4 baths every day. I literally started to get up to go get in the bathtub and realized I had just taken a bath a couple of hours ago. I know I did not do this before. I think part of it is because it is relaxing. Could this be some subconscious thing? I don't know why I should feel "dirty". But I do know that when he touches me sometimes I just get disgusted, thinking about his hands being on her.
Just wondering if anyone else has done this type of behavior after finding out about an affair.
I also just realized that when I was in the hospital in aug with a heart problem, he was involved with OW already. Just to think he was with her while I was in the cardiac care unit really makes me angry.

Tammy,

You are NOT a failure...you are a survivor. Keep telling yourself over and over again.

Of course this a traumatic time for you. You're discovering and finally admitting to yourself how someone you loved and trusted failed you.

I think the bath thing is stress related. When a friend of mine was going through rough times, she stayed with my family and she would do the same thing.

If you can get to a doctor, it might help to get yourself on antidepressants. Do you enjoy exercise at all? I know, it's very difficult to get motivated to do so, but I truly believe exercise is the most effective stress reliever and antidepressant. Nothing beats that feeling after a good, hard, sweaty, workout, plus you get the added benefit of a toned, strong body. It's also a great place to meet new friends. I started going to women's aerobics classes over a year ago and it has done wonders for me both mentally and physically.

What is your action plan for leaving? Are you financially able to get a place of your own and move out?

I know this site is based on marriage building, but I really believe nursedg4 is better off without this character. They don't have children together, and they're not yet married. There's plenty of good-hearted men out there who will give nursedg4 the love and respect she truly deserves.