For those that have seen my posts the last 3 weeks you have seen that I started out in complete shock that my husband could ever cheat on me, to trying to go down the path of plan A.

That's what I've been doing, although now when I look back it all looks like a blur. I've been doing okay on the plan A, I have refrained from angry outbursts, LB'ers etc, and have been doing my best to meet EN's that I saw I was failing in before D-day.

Something happened though in the last two days. I find myself more and more doing those things for myself, and not to save the marriage. When he comes home at night he looks like a stranger to me, one that I don't particularly like, and I find myself questioning why I've been trying so hard. What is it in him that is worthy of the pain I've endured? Was our marriage really worth the fight? Worth the pain his indifference and "moving on" with his OW have caused me? We have no children, I'm still relatively young and attractive, why is my marriage to him worth this?

For the last two weeks he has shown no wavering in his decision to want to end our marriage, he has shown me no kindness, not even enough consideration to keep the few promises he's made me since all this started, he comes home with a look of smugness in his eyes, as if to say "I've found someone better, you're not and never were good enough for me, and our marriage meant nothing to me". And I find myself in a place that a week ago never seemed to be possible, I see that look in his eye and think to myself "you and your OW certainly do deserve each other, and I deserve better".

Something broke on Monday, almost the entire day I cried, and I remember wandering the house just looking for a way to end it, make it all go away, I simply wanted to just die. And then Tuesday, and today...I don't feel much of anything about our marriage or about him. Occasionally a tiny pinprick of pain will get through, but overall I find myself thinking of my own future, and I find myself looking back over the years of our marriage seeing it in a light I haven't seen before. Perhaps I'm "rewriting" our history as well, or maybe I'm seeing it with a clarity I haven't had before.

I don't know if what I'm feeling right now is "normal". I guess that's what frightens me, I know that deep down I still have hope, I know that deep down I still love him. But I feel like my feet are nailed to the floor, taking a step in any direction will cause the pain to flood back in. Making real plans to leave, doing anything to really try to keep our marriage together, opening up to him at all, will cause that wall to come tumbling down, and I will feel all that pain again for nothing, because right now he doesn't want our marriage. At the same time though, I know that the longer this goes on, the more detached I feel, the less inclined I'll be to give him and our marriage another chance if he changes his mind in the future.

I just don't really know what to make of this shift that's happened in me, I've been reading posts from others a lot, as well as information on this website and others as well, but I just haven't seen anything anywhere that the pain would just stop suddenly.

Sio,

I hear the pain you're going through....where you are right now is looking alot to me....like it's time to move to Plan B. If you can do a Plan A a bit longer I'd like you to. In line with that....a trip to the doctor is in order. If you aren't on anti-depressants...please consider that course...Dr. Harley recommends it for folks in Plan A or B. If it is stil impossible and you are too depressed and the meds don't help...you may have to move to no contact to protect what is left of your love for you husband (Plan B) Will he move out of the house if you ask him to? Take a deep breath chere...you aren't alone....though I know you must feel that way. If you need more help, email me: starfish4729@hotmail.com....and maybe we can hook up on IM or something. This is a tough time....I'm so sorry you're hurting.

Agree with star*fish.

I agree with Starfish. It's about time for PlB. And I think a trip to the doctor for some anti-d's is definitely in order. I felt almost exactly as you do once, and the pain doesn't go away quickly. Remember, your H has committed one of the worst acts of betrayel one person can to another. It's tough to assimilate. Try Pla for a few more days if you can, then write up a good PlB letter and ask him to leave if possible. You shouldn't be the one to leave. Remember though, we're all amatuers so seeking some pro advice is definitely worth while. Try seeking out Cerri here on this board. If she's not too busy, she's a great help, not to mention she does this for a living. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

MTD

Sio,

Cerri will be on the board on and off dealing with some health issues. She has asked me to mentor for her site, so I do have a pretty good idea of where I think she will fall on this one. I hope you have made a trip to the doctor's and just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. Please check in okay?

Sio
We share similar experiences, age, and suffering. The emptiness and lack of feeling for H is real. I feel next to nothing for WW and have been to the lawyer. Coming away from the lawyer renewed my motivation to empty and improve myself in Plan A for the M. There is NO easy way out of this mess (including divorce), and I want to have NO regrets if it has to end.

Continue to work on yourself and read everything you can. I'm on anti-d and getting IC and they both help to smooth out the ride and to address the issues in myself that contributed to this situation. It is hard work looking at yourself and deciding (with love for yourself) what needs to change. Everyone here understands what you are going through.

Read, pray, and listen. Best of luck.

Thank you all for the responses, and I appologize for not posting on it the last couple days.

I'm doing okay, the weird little wall (or mental scab as a friend described it) has done well in keeping me focused, and I'm really actually feeling fine, it's like I was on the rollarcoaster and I fell off if that makes any sense.

I agree wholeheartedly that Plan B is my best option for any hope in saving the marriage right now, unfortunately it all comes down to money. I know my husband won't leave, he feels this is his home and that I'm the one that should leave, and he is already making little lists and such in his head of how to get my stuff and me and my cats to CA to stay with my parents, we're living in TX right now. I'm also still looking for a job, and unfortunately there is really no other course I can take to get everything I need to get done without having a job for a couple months at least. We've both allowed it to happen, but I'm entirely dependant on my husband. My name isn't on the checking account, or the car or anything else. I also don't have a driver's license (mine expired from out of state, and we've talked about going and getting it renewed several times but even before this happened, there was always something that came up) and I don't have contact lenses/glasses (which he has said over and over he'll take me to go get but when the day comes to go get them something else is more important). Obviously, I am certainly to blame for not pushing harder to get these things done, particularly when things were okay between us, but there just always seemed to be something "more important".

Anyway, I'm mortified about the situation, but I felt I had to bring all that up. I am addressing those issues, and he promised me last night he would take me this weekend to get contacts, and next week to get my driver's license. It's just a matter of will he actually keep that promise.

I know all of this sounds probably pretty pathetic lol. I really am okay though, and the place I'm moving to in CA is a place I used to live when I was a child, I absolutely loved it there (the mojave desert), when I think about it long enough I can actually smell the air. And I have already decided that one of the conditions in my Plan B letter will be that if he wants to try to save our marriage down the road he can move out there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

Anyway thank you all and a big *hug* to all of you, I don't think I would have survived all this without the people on this board.

Sio,

Okay sweetie.....I know you feel like financially you are screwed....but let's just talk about the law here okay? Because inspite of the fact that your husband is the sole earner...and you have no job, license, or name on the checking account (yikes! remind me to scold you later!) First I need some information to do a search for you in the state of Texas (which I live in by the way). How long have you been married? Do you own your house? How much education do you have? How much debt do you have? When was the last time you were in the work force? You may feel as though you have no money.....but I assure you....you do. If for instance you own your home....Texas is a community property state....what ever assets he has....HALF of them belong to you. His 401 K, the house, the car, the bank account, the pension and profit sharing. If he wants you out of the home (and frankly, I wouldn't leave my home) then he can put it up for sale and give you half of the equitty. Likewise for the car and all the other assets. If you've been married ten years and need schooling to get into the work force....then he will have to give you spousal support. My point is that you are NOT penniless.....he just wants you to think you are. So if this is too difficult to talk about here....please email me and we'll hammer out your options. But don't you DARE start packing your bags chere. If he wants somebody else so badly.....for pete's sake....let HIM leave!!!! If you do it for him.....you are making having an affair and leaving YOU really really easy!!!

There is somewhere I can look up this stuff? I figured that I would have to call a lawyer (which brings up the money/car issue hehe).

Anyway, to answer your questions. We've been married 5 years (as a matter of fact halloween was our anniversary <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ). We rent an apartment. There are no 401k's, or savings accounts or any such thing. Basically just what's in the checking account. I have a tiny bit of college, and that's about it.

I don't want to take him to the cleaners by any means, and I won't ask him for any significant financial help, just the little things that I will absolutely have to have in order to land on my feet. As far as me not leaving, I think I want to, I'm from CA, and Texas just isn't home, and this is his hometown, so definitely not a place I want to stay.

I don't know, the simple fact is I really can't do a whole lot until he is willing to help me with a few of those things, I know he wouldn't try to force me out, but at the same time it seems if he wants me to leave he'd do everything in his power to help me get the things done in order to leave. He's so caught up in his pathetic little fog though he doesn't seem to get that, and seems to think I'm just stalling.

Also, right now with the fires going on in Ca, I really can't leave (my parents are kind of close, and some relatives are staying with them that had to be evacuated), and my mom is still recovering from surgery (still haven't even told her yet about what's going on).

Anyway thanks Star*Fish (and everyone else), and everyone else for that matter. I don't want to be a nuisance to you, but if you could direct me or give me a link to where I can find some of that information I'd be very grateful <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 01, 2003, 12:58 AM: Message edited by: Sio ]</small>

Sio,

First IANAL (I am not a lawyer).

I have a friend in TX who's wife is still fighting a custidy battle w/ her ex so I guess I have a soft spot for this.

Hoping that Star*fish has been able to help you out, Anyway the letter of the law is found here:

http://www.capitol.state.tx.us/statutes/fatoc.html

Thanks jgnc <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How have things been going with you? Still in MCing and everything?

Hi Sio,

I don't have anything useful to offer except that I'm still thinking of you and I'm on your side.

Hang on in there!

*hugs* Lovesaved thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I've been kinda taking a break from the boards (and even thoughts of the marriage hehe) the last few days. I'm doing MUCH better though. Still plowing through Plan A while I'm here, and feeling better emotionally now that a little anger and resentment have started to seep through (I know that sounds weird, but it seems to be working). I don't feel that weird detachment anymore, I think like my friend said it was just some sort of emotional scab /shrug.

Hi Sio,

Things are as best as they could be. Thanks for asking. Been making some small progress. I have to keep on reminding myself to not expect a miracle. The next MC session is next week.

Been on this rollercoaster since probably a year before D-Day. At least I think its not getting any worse.

Hello Sio - I'm sorry for your pain and hurting. I wish I had some kind of advice to offer.
I was wondering if I could ask you a favor .. I wanted to ask you a question but not on here could you send me an email.. My email addy is Lost_Confussed@hotmail.com

email is sent, feel free to ask anything you need to <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Still,with you. Give us an update?! Hugs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Up until tonight things had pretty much been just the same. Hadn't had anything new to post about it up till now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Anyway, a few weeks ago I sent out a letter to his supervisor at work (and also to his OW). I never heard anything about them, after awhile I kind of figured they either got lost in the mail or I had the wrong address, and by that time I was pretty much already in the emotional detachment or whatever it is that's been going on with me, so I didn't persue it.

Finally tonight I guess my little emotional wall broke. He has been getting more and more distant and unkind for the last couple weeks, and I just asked him why he was hurting me like this, why couldn't he have just said he wanted out of the marriage, but why did he have to behave the way he has been. And he brought up the letters...

Apparently they got there right on schedule. The problem is, the person I mistook to be a compassionate person, is in fact a malicious gossip, and instead of treating the matter delicately, passed the letter around the office as some sort of joke. His exact words to my husband about it were "and this has what to do with me?". This is a person in the past my husband has described as a deeply religious person, and he helped my husband a great deal when he had a car accident earlier this year. My husband also nearly lost his job because of this, the only reason he didn't was because they really need him right now. But he didn't tell me any of this until tonight.

He said he had been waiting to see if I would say anything about them, and by this point I had pretty much forgotten about them, so all I have had to go on since they hit was that my husband was being more and more cruel about flaunting his affair and wanting a divorce in my face.

We actually had a good conversation tonight though. He was and still is somewhat angry about the letters. I don't blame him for that, I would have never sent them if I knew they were going to be turned into an office joke at his (and my) expense. I have no idea what is going on in his head, but he seems so confused <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . I mentioned to him that he might want to get counseling, and he said he's been thinking about that some lately. He also mentioned he always finds a way to ruin any good thing that comes into his life, I don't know if he was saying that about us, but he has some deep issues.

He also finally talked some about his OW. All this time I had her pictured is this really great person, and that they were having some great romance. As it turns out she has 4 children by 4 different men. Apparently she has no problem at all with having strange men just come through her life and her children's lives. And, according to him, when they are together they usually go hang out at walmart (!!!!). And he mentioned when she got the letter she was going to call me. When I asked him if she was going to call out of malice or just to talk he couldn't answer. Sounds like she's a real winner. Anyway, I don't know if all this makes me feel a little better (knowing she's not better then me and from the the sound of it is very likely far worse then I am) or just completely sad...he wants to leave me for a woman with 4 children with 4 different fathers that he hangs out at walmart with.

I think I'm leaning more towards completely sad. Simply because I've known MANY women like her,looking for a new "Daddy" for their kids for awhile till she gets sick of him, maybe has a new kid with that guy (yay child support) and then cheats on him and leaves him for someone else. I'm sorry to generalize, and when I say "women like this" I mean a woman that will sleep with any guy, doesn't bother to use birth control, reels him in usually with an "accidental" pregnancy, and then finds someone new (usually while he's still there) and then leaves the first guy after she gets child support and empties his bank account. I've seen this happen to several male friends in the past and it just makes my stomach churn to think my husband is heading that way.

I know I can't do anything to stop him from going down this path. I just can't believe he's throwing his marriage away, but also, more importantly, possibly his future as well, for a woman that I just can't see as anything but a morally bankrupt gold digger. I think he sees that too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> but he's so caught up in his affair at this point (I guess walmart has some sort of aphrodisiac quality) that he just can't seem to stop himself.

In any case though, after our talk, he was much nicer. He also offered to rent a car and drive me out to CA. I wish so much he would just give us a chance, but he still is adamant about wanting to divorce and move on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . I just don't really understand it, when we're just being ourselves, not talking about the marriage, his affair etc, we get along soooo great. We talk and laugh and joke, it just all seems so stupid and pointless. Anyway, I am droning on here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . I will be here another month or so I think, so we'll see how things go.

SIO -

OK now I know you know I don't have to say this .. and trust me I'm not very good at following this advice and WMWB and others pull out there 2x4's all the time especially after this weekend.. BUT remember your not supposed to listen to most of what they say .. It is fog remember.

What your Husband tells you might not be the truth .. About him almost loosing his job ect ect .. so what if it did go around the office .. I know this is not what you wanted but it probably did have the effect you were looking for. The A is out in the open and your WS is upest because people know about it.

My WS is going to ne very cross with me in the next week.. After the weekend I had I'm not being vindictive but I'm not going to refrain from doing what is in the best interest of my children and myself.

Heya J.A.N <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> how are you holding up? I hope that whatever you're planning on works out okay for you.

You're right about fog talk. My husband right now is just a large walking mass of confusion. I am sorry about the letters, not that I wrote them and sent them, but that the person I trusted to do the right thing really failed very badly. When I explained that to him, and told him why I wrote those letters and sent them, he seemed to melt a little bit and opened up to me more then he has since all this started. Believe me, last night was a good night, just emotionally taxing. I'm just amazed that he was able to refrain from telling me about what was going on at work for so long.

Somehow or other I went from being emotionally detached and pretty much ready to just end it, to being right back into believing that we can make it work. I guess that's a good thing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . At least while I was in my detached mode I didn't do a lot of damage I don't think. Hmm, I guess just knowing more about his OW has helped. I was painting her in my mind as some sort of princess, and as it turns out that while she's extremely dangerous in the short term (her motives are fairly transparent to me), she's pretty much irrelevant in the long term. It's just a matter of how much damage she'll do before either she gets bored or he opens his eyes that worries me. Right now I'm more concerned about him possibly allowing this woman to ruin his life then worrying about the marriage. Sort of a matter of triage I suppose.