However, I am not sure that one size fits all. If an affair is dying already, or the WS is of a certian personality type, exposure may tilt a salvageable situation into a permanent divorce.


If the A is dying and the WS is making coming home noises I will take a short wait and see attitude. But what I see most often is that the WS makes those sounds for a long long time before it really happens and exposure might speed it up.

There are other scenarios as well. The most obvious being when you tell the other parties spoiuse and they toss the OP out, the two parties have more time to be together (albeit with the stresses you mention).


Mmmmmm, there is nothing I like better than to see AP's spending lots of time together and better yet living together. Risky? Yeah, maybe - but nothing bursts the fantasy of an affair like overspending, bad cooking, and dirty undies on the floor.

The other point is the way exposure is implemented, and I think it is often subject to some <understandable> nasty LB spinning by the betrayed spouse.

Absolutely - and no one that I walk through the process would do that and get away from me unscathed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

C

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cerri:
<strong>Absolutely - and no one that I walk through the process would do that and get away from me unscathed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well, of course, knucklehead. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My debate is not for people that counsel with you or the Harleys, it is for the people that just read a book or read the message board and self-medicate. Then it comes off like ""MB said I should tell your Grandma in the hospital about your affair and also call everyone on your company's board of directors. I love you!"

Look -- I added you to my signature, so you have the much sought after Mike C2 seal of approval (TM)

<small>[ November 17, 2003, 04:51 PM: Message edited by: Mike C2 ]</small>

well, of course, knucklehead. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

No, no -- it's blonde twit - dincha know? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />


My debate is not for people that counsel with you or the Harleys, it is for the people that just read a book or read the message board and self-medicate.

Agreed which is why we need to make sure to spread the word that exposing needs to be done in a way that is calm, courteous and respectful and that it is about the BS and the pain s/he is experiencing, the desire to save the marriage and contains a request to encourage the straying partner to do the right thing, end the A and recommit to the marriage.

It's an incredible power we have here to influence that in posters who are new and don't know which way to turn.

Look -- I added you to my signature, so you have the much sought after Mike C2 seal of approval (TM)

Wowwwww.... Can I put that on my site? "Official MikeC2 Seal of Approval (TM)"? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Pretty cool, thanks.

C

Cerri, Mike: I've been following this thread with great interest. You are having a lovely discussion and I don't want to intrude in any way which is why I am asking first: would you mind if I posted my situation (already resolved) to you? It was in fact a modified Plan A in that exposure did not happen for a while for a very specific reason.

I'd be interested to hear whether or not you would consider this approach to be valid in hindsight. My MC supported the delay -- in fact advocated a delay -- but then again, she is not a part of MB although her values and counselling approach appear to me to be right in sync.

Up until now, you have been speaking rather hypothetically and perhaps this real world example would give you something to sink your teeth into?

Or it might derail the obvious benefits of having your basic message reinforced with anyone reading this thread: do not assume your situation is any different, follow the principles, and expose the A despite your understandable fear of doing so.

awed

P.S. Call me "duuuuh"...but I realized earlier this week that Penny and Cerri are one...kept looking for Cerri's name on your website (thought perhaps "she" was ghost-writing for you!) and chuckled once I figured out you had an alter-ego...love your daily messages by the way...they are a great recovery booster!

I am asking first: would you mind if I posted my situation (already resolved) to you?

Post away - either here or on my thread or start a new one. Whichever is easiest and most comfortable for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


P.S. Call me "duuuuh"...but I realized earlier this week that Penny and Cerri are one

ROTFL <snort, giggle, wiping eyes> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

(You should see my superhero marriage saving/infidelity blasting cape with the big "C" on it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


...kept looking for Cerri's name on your website (thought perhaps "she" was ghost-writing for you!)

Scary, the way this name is taking on a life of it's own. I often find myself sending emails to clients and mentees and nearly signing them with a "C" instead of a "P".

Hmmmmm...... maybe I should move little Miss Cerri to my site and have two coaches!! Clients could choose!

and chuckled once I figured out you had an alter-ego...love your daily messages by the way...they are a great recovery booster!

And of course - you have now blown my cover. I'll have to move the opening to the bat cave, I suppose.

Glad you like them, J does the reminders. I give some input, but she does a fabulous job with the whole thing,. I just do the Musings.

P ... uhhh.... C.... or whichever personality is here this morning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

[QUOTE]Originally posted by awed18:
<strong> would you mind if I posted my situation (already resolved) to you? It was in fact a modified Plan A in that exposure did not happen for a while for a very specific reason.</strong>

Please do. Always can learn from real life.

That said, one of the frustrating things over time is to watch people who have had success try, with the best of intentions, to drive others to adopt their tactics and strategies, no matter how out of the curve their situation or tactics could be.

Let me build an analogy.

An indian tribe is starving in the dead of winter. Three hunters decide to make one last attempt to bring back some food. They disagree on tactics. One hunters say to sit and wait in ambush. A second says to beat the bush and look for the tracks of game. The third says to shoot their arrows in the air and hope the Great Spirit will provide.

Lo and behold, the only hunter with any luck is the third one, who shoots his arrow in the air and pegs an unfortunate bunny rabbit. "See!," he cries. "My method works!"

So...the punchline is that they shoot all their arrows into the woods and don't kill anything, and everyone starves and dies and is eaten by wolves The End.

Maybe I have to work on the ending. Maybe this should be an analogy about wolves. Anyway, you get the point. Anecdotal evidence is only that.

Anyway, you get the point. Anecdotal evidence is only that.

MmmmmmmMMmmmmm...... to a certain degree. Until you get enough anecdotal evidence that shows a trend or a pattern that repeats enough times. To be truly scientific one would need a control group - but you really can't do that with emotional/behavioral issues - so you watch and observe what works with most people and then you make informed choices based on trends. And admittedly it's an imperfect human science.

C