How can the trust be regained?

With lots of work, dedication, honesty, repentance and forgiveness. You thought the past of your marriage was hard. If you choose to forgive and stay with your wife there will be many more struggles. The good thing about that is that you know about your wife. Why waste time beginning a new relationship if this one can be fixed. You must remember that God is the potter, not you and I.

How can one fall in love with a person once you know what she has done and is capable of doing?

Did you ever fall out of love with her? Or is it that she happened to fall short of your expectations? I think we all fall short on that count. If you ask me today if I loved my wife I would have to say Yes, I do. I would almost tell you that because of God's sustaining grace that I probably love her more now then I actually did in our marriage.


A person who has no regard for the well-being of others and is so selfish and immoral is difficult to trust. She can be loved, but with agape type of love not the type of love that brings couples together as husband and wife.

Today......this moment.....you are hurting. The trust you had for your wife has been broken in a way that you NEVER thought possible. Emotions! Grab the handels and hang on......you're in for a ride. But.....if you wife, that is your wife, not the church, not the pastor, either set of parents or anyone else, is contrite, repentant, remorseful and is sincere in asking YOU for forgiveness, then all these things that you ask about will come about once again.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She can be loved, but with agape type of love not the type of love that brings couples together as husband and wife </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am confused here. There are four types of love known to man.

Eros - The most common word for love. The physical and sensual love.

Storge - The kind of love that speaks of family ties.

Phielo - This is a psychological or social love...often translated as friend. This is what Peter responded with when asked by Christ;

"Peter, do you agape me?"

"You know that I phileo you"

We as humans get them confused.

Agape - The true spritual love. A love that comes from God alone. the one that expects nothing in return. (remember those unmet expectations or unrealstic expectations). This love ......my friend is the love that WILL
bring couples together as husband and wife. This is the only love that will do that.


The one thing that I have learned from my past two years is that:

"If I put my expectations in any other thing than God, I WILL EVENTUALLY BE DISAPPOINTED"

Learn agape love for your wife and she for you and THAT will be a marriage to behold.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">trustingfool:

"Now, she wants to patch things up and a marriage is like a fine crystal. How can it be patched once it is broken? How can the trust be regained? How can one fall in love with a person once you know what she has done and is capable of doing? A person who has no regard for the well-being of others and is so selfish and immoral is difficult to trust. She can be loved, but with agape type of love not the type of love that brings couples together as husband and wife."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here is an opportunity for you to test her whether she is sincere in her desire to rebuild the marriage or not. Convey to her that you want the two of you to follow John39's advice for rebuilding your marriage, and see if her actions coincide with her words.

If you don't forgive you will be filled with anger, bitterness and resentment towards the other man and believe me he will not care that you have these feelings for him. You are the one it will hurt if you can't find a way to let your feelings go. Forgiveness is for you.

I am really shocked to read in the MB forum how many women fall into infidelity. Is it more common now than years ago or is it that they are becoming more obvious? I also wonder by the posts whether it is more difficult for men to deal with the spouse's betrayal than it is for women to deal with it?

In response to your question, Is it harder for men than women to deal with infidelty, I can only answer for myself, it has been one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with in my life. I am female

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by trustingfool:
<strong> John, I am not just venting. I want answers to many questions that I have. She was the love of my life and I trusted her like no one else. I gave her my all and she had nothing to complain about. In fact, she used to tell others how blessed she was. All of a sudden, she went out and had an affair, lied, became nasty toward me and very irritable. All of this before I found out. When we went to a counselor, she was crying and he made me feel like I was the guilty party. Now, a different counselor just talks about forgiveness and told her in front of me that God had already forgiven her. She managed to change a trusting, devout and loving husband into a shell of a man who now does not trust anyone. I really question my own self-steem and whether my staying with her is a sign of codependence.
I was a strong Christian before I married her and she has changed all of that in me. I question many things. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HI, trustingfool.
Well, this is so good to hear, sorry I know you are hurting, you see my H just had an affair with a co-worker who also attends our church. I have heard nothing from the man, and have been wondering why. I thought for sure he would come and beat up my husband. As a Christian, yes the pastor and counselors are telling us that we must forgive and move on, this angers me. Are there no consequences for what they have done? it seems to me that we victims are hurting more than they are. I am so angry. The OW in my case is even still involved in all of the church functions, nothing has been done to her except a slap on the hand.
Please feel free to write me any time, what part of country do you live in, if don't mind saying.

good luck, kim1974
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also wonder by the posts whether it is more difficult for men to deal with the spouse's betrayal than it is for women to deal with it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm a male so I cna only answer for me. It hurts....hurts awful. But I would imagine that it is the same for both men and women. Read here a lot and you'll see the pattern, see that we all hurt the same.

kim1974--

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I thought for sure he would come and beat up my husband. Are there no consequences for what they have done? It seems to me that we victims are hurting more than they are. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can assure you that the thought of beating this guy up has crossed my mind many times. At least the first one anyway, and it's been a little of one year since he left the picture.

Concenquences.....I think there are many, but in the mist of our pain and confusion we may not see it. I just have to believe that if a person can cause this much pain that they too have to be feeling something. What is it? Only they know.

Infidelty is a very thoughtless and selfish thing for a person to do. It is a very painful thing to go through. My husband and I have been separated for almost 4 years because of it. He not only had an affair but also a child which makes it even worse. I almost did beat the living daylights out of the ow but something in me stopped me from doing so. I wish I had of never confronted the nasty thing (ow) in the first place.

<small>[ November 20, 2003, 08:32 PM: Message edited by: Cheryls ]</small>

I can relate to you very well. I see a lot of parallelism in our situations. I feel really disillusioned, frustrated, shocked beyond belief and hurt. My WS is going through counseling with an outstanding therapist who I hope will help her deal with personal issues that in my humble opinion are at the root of our problems. I wish forgiveness could be easier, but in our case there are past situations that make me wonder when it could happen again. I think she has overdrawn the Love Bank and the EA really crashed the bank. I hope your situation is still repairable.