I don't think you should take any action because your mother tells you to.

I think you need to do a good Plan A first, even if it only lasts a day. What you need to do is eliminate your LBs, meet the ENs that you can (and I agree this may have to be in a letter), expose the affair to family/friends/her coworkers, and begin respectfully negotiating the end of the affair. You need to be radically honest and tell her how it makes you feel BUT DO NOT USE HONESTY AS AN EXCUSE TO LB.

If you cannot respectfully negotiate an end to the affair, no contact whatsoever with the lover, and a commitment to the marriage, then you need to come back here and we can discuss Plan B.

BTW, the exposure letter sent to friends/family/coworkers is not vindictive. It states that your W is having an affair and names the man she is having the affair with. It states your commitment to the marriage and asks for their support in saving your marriage and helping your W to do the right thing.

Also, you do not need to get her to tell you anything. You already know. You tell her what you know, not the other way around. You tell her what you know, how you know it, and how it makes you feel.

BTW, she probably never needed "space" as such. She needed space to be with him and have her affair, that's what she needed.

Hang in there. For God's sake, do not be clingy, desperate, or beg for anything. All this does is tell your WW that she has the upper hand and that she can continue her behavior w/o risk of losing you.

<small>[ December 03, 2003, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

has anyone ever hired a PI

she is with him everyday after work.

If you already know that the affair is taking place I don't see what hiring a PI will achieve.

The letter I have in mind would be along the lines that Takola suggests. You say that you love her, that you recognise that you haven't been meeting all of each other's needs and that you want to work on your marriage and believe that it can work.

You reveal that you know about the affair and say how bad it makes you feel - very important to express in terms of your feelings, not the badness of her bahaviour. Most WSs have never given much thought to the feelings of the BS.

You appeal to her to end the affair and come back to you.

[Most WSs have never given much thought to the feelings of the BS.
QUOTE] [/QUOTE] iam going to give her the letter but she wont care about the letter. she is with the coworker every day when she leaves work. how do i get them two apart. she get home late my kids are ho,e bythemselves. this is everyday. what do i do.

does the lover of the ww spouse have them brainwash. my wife will not even talk to me or even let me in her place to see the kids i had the kids with me all day yestaday and soon as i took the kids with me she went to see the lover see will not talk to and when she does she is very mad. iam trying to fill her en but what can i do to stop her from seeing the lover. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

You can't do anything to stop her from seeing her lover. They all act the same, not wanting to talk, being cold etc. Read about Plan A and get on with your life. Spend time with kids - they need you now. And work on yourself. Of course you feel hurt and miserable, but this will pass. Good luck and hang in there.

i dont live with so my plan a would have to be a letter. do i put the lover name in the letter and also let her lnow that i will be telling family and friends. will this make her angry.

lovesaved. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For once I don't agree with Believer - if you're not living together then Plan A may have to be a letter. If you have no other way of communicating what you want to say then there is little choice.

the letter u posted do i put the lover name in it.

"the letter u posted do i put the lover name in it."?

If you're sure then yes - it tells her that a secret relationship is now in the open. If you read the Harley materials on this site they'll advise you to tell everyone you know. BUT - confront the affair in terms of how it's hurt you - not as an accusation about her being a bad person which will tend to drive her away.

The most important message is that you still love her and believe that with work the marriage can be good (and I mean good, not just OK). The relationship was good once, otherwise you would'nt be married!

thanks lovesaved. i just send her the plan a letter. do i let her know that i found out that she gives him a ride to in the morning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

thanks lovesaved. i just sent out my plan a letter. i just found out that she picks him up in the morning to give him a ride to work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

i sent out the plan a letter how long sould i wait before she talks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> to me. we dont live together so i guess she is having a good time with om.

does anyone think i sould get wife a gift. this om has wife brainwash. if she never tells me about the affair how would i work healing with her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Before you do anything else, you should read “Surviving An Affair” by Willard Harley.

does anyone think i sould get wife a gift.
No. You shouldn’t send her a gift.

You should slow down. You don’t want to crowd her out now.

Keep in mind you cannot get her to do anything.

You need to stop, slow down and take care of yourself and come up with a plan (Plan A).

You don‘t send a “Plan A” letter.
Plan A can be done when you are not living together. When you speak with her or see her, be calm, don’t quiz her about the affair.
Don‘t call her. Don’t beg, cry and ask her when she will be home or if she wants to divorce you and things like that. Keep it very light when you speak with her.

Raad the links below.

merry xmas well iam not doing any lb wife is coming her and the kids to spend xmas with me . iam going to be real nervous any give me some tips so i dont lb she not told me about the affair yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

xmas went fine wife will not talk about the other man all she tells me is dont worry about her business that she is not doing anything. and that i dont live with her and she can do what she wants. i called her yestday to talk bout my kids and she thought i was the other man then when i ask her about this she said dont ask her anything. the om has brainwashed. what can i do. he works with her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

my wife works with the om. that makes it harder for me to get her to talk to me and cut off ties with him. what could i do.

If she doesn't want to talk or meet with you then you cannot do a Plan A to show her that you can meet her ENs. What you can do is detach and do a Plan B in which you avoid any interaction with her. During this time you focus on yourself and learn how to improve your communication skills and regain your self confidence through IC etc. When you feel that you have had enough waiting for her love story to finish you will come to the conclusion that you want to move on with your life without her. That is part of Plan B. The alternative is to file for divorce. The fact that you are moving on without her may shake her up with the realization that you are not going to be there to pick up the pieces if and when her affair fizzles out. I recommend that you read a book called "Love must be tough" by Dr.J.Dobson.

<small>[ December 28, 2003, 08:43 PM: Message edited by: yosh ]</small>

anyone it is so hard to try to get to really talk to wife when she will not even let me inside her place to talk the om is still in the picture he works with her. i thinks if she did not work with him i would have a better chance. also her sister hates meAnd I think it's very possible the sister would encourage her to do what ever makes her happy in the moment and to cover for her. my wife is painting me as the bad guy her sister tell her she does not need me my wife listens to her i think. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> also the om man i think he has told her she sould dirvoce me she said that it is over the om has her going nuts. do you think it would be good to let her job know that she having a affair there they might get rid of her but that look like the only way to get her to end this with om. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />