cmj,
I just want to let you know that you are not alone. I know what you are going through is probably the worst thing you ever imagined.

A year ago I would have been shocked by the things you have said but almost everything your husband is doing and saying is repeated over and over by people who find themselves here. I tell you that in hopes that it will provide some comfort and some reassurance for you.

My husband denied the A over and over and over again. I had cell phone bills with her number on there 10-15 times a day. He would meet her for lunch and after work and tell me about it. He convinced me that I was crazy and jealous and insecure and that they were "just friends".

Now that he has come out of the "fog", he admits to me that he looked for flaws in me, looked for things wrong with me so that he would feel better about what he was doing. He looked for things to argue about, created things to argue about. He didn't see it or admit it then, but now it is so clear to both of us.

He threatened to leave, told me that marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life. He was cruel and unkind and spent the past year destroying my confidence, my self-esteem, my faith and almost my hope. And on and on and on.

And I stayed, begged him to go to counseling, tried so hard to communicate with him. Nothing worked! It just got worse and worse. And I would cling to the times when for a brief moment he returned to the kind loving man I married and when he said he wanted our marriage to work. But inevitably he would go back to her and back to treating me terribly.

I asked him why he was so mean, why he tore me apart and destroyed me? He said it was the only way he could live with the guilt he was feeling.

My point in telling you all of this is to tell you that there is still HOPE! Please know that! So many times I thought it was over and I thought he really didn't love me anymore but in the end I asked him why he didn't just leave and his response was because he loved me and didn't want to lose me.

I guess the "bottom" is different for everybody.
The night I hit bottom, I tracked him down through his friend's cell phone and he was at a strip club. I was with my parents and my sisters throwing a wedding shower for my baby sister. That was my breaking point. I knew I couldn't take anymore and that I couldn't put my 2 year old son through anymore either. So I told him to leave. That I couldn't hold the marriage together anymore by myself and that I was tired, worn out, and defeated. For some reason it got through to him and he told me everything and committed to fixing the damage he had done.

So hold on to hope. I was once where you are right now. I know a lot of people on this site were. And believe in yourself, you are strong. You have no idea how strong you are, but I promise you, you will get through this.

I know it is hard, but don't fight back when he tries to argue. Let him know his actions are hurting you, but don't be weak. Show that you are strong and that you know you are doing the right thing by fighting for your marriage.

Saying prayers for you and your heart,
6901

6901,

Thank you so much for responding to me. Hearing your story was exactly what I needed right now. I was surprised to hear the similarities in our situations - the cell phone, the mean treatment, everything.

Unfortunately, my H says he no longer loves me, he now refuses to talk to me except through his atty (i.e. no contact at all) and he is quickly pushing for the divorce now that I found out about the affair. This is completely the opposite of what he was like the night of the 30th and the morning of the 31st. It's as if once I confirmed the affair and confronted him/her (ever so nicely, I might add) on the afternoon of the 31st, he just did a 180 and won't speak to me, etc. He's even saying that I knew about the affair (I suspected, but he always denied - strongly denied and looked me in the eye - it was SO convincing). Sometimes I just can't believe the things he says, especially when it seems like he honestly believes what he is saying to me.

I really don't know what else to do and it seems so hopeless. I feel like we've gone back the point of no return (at least he has) and that he could care less whether he hurts me or loses me and can't wait to be rid of me. As I mentioned above, this change happened in one afternoon.

Do you have any specific advice on what I should do? If your H had reacted the way my H reacted, what would you have done?

I'm hurting so much - I keep praying but I just don't see how this can work out or how I'll ever feel OK again. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

cmj,

** I don't know if I will ever feel ok again **

I can tell you that I used those exact words more than once in this past year. You will I promise! I suspected the A for about 11 months before my H told me the truth. I confronted him numerous times and each time I was met with anger and indignance. He accused me of attacking his moral character and of being insecure. The harsh words in combination with my own fear and denial made it easy to believe his lies. So don't feel bad about it. I felt so foolish and like such a jerk for closing my eyes to it for so long, but the more you read on this site the more you will see that you are not alone!

I started to feel ok the day I accepted the fact that no matter what happened I would be ok. I could make it on my own if I had to. I was scared to death and not sure how I would make it, but I believed that I could. I didn't want my marriage to end and I loved my husband despite all that had happened, but I knew that there wasn't much left of me and I had to start taking care of myself. It devastated me to think that my H really might leave me and for another woman. I felt like I was pathetic and worthless. My H knows better me than anyone, and if he didn't think I was worth loving then surely no one else could. Until I realized my own worth and realized that I could stand on my own I believed I would never be ok again.


As far as what I would do, I can honstly say that I was willing to wait it out. I was willing to take whatever I had to with the hope that he would wake up and come back to me. I have no idea if that was or is the right answer. I know that I love him and I love our son and I made a promise before God to stand by him in good or in bad.

The difference in our situations makes it impossible for me to offer advice to you on whether you should stay or go. I was one of the lucky ones. My H did not love the OW. He never claimed to love her and he immediately stopped all contact with her after telling me about the A. He was running from the stresses and responsibilities of a wife a child, finances and all those other things that come with growing up. She was 23 and could go where ever, do what ever, spend what ever when ever. No responsibilities at all! Although it broke my heart for him to say that he didn't love me anymore and that marrying me was such a mistake, he never said he loved her. So I don't know what I would do in your shoes.

I would like to believe that your husband is just lashing out because he is not ready to leave his "fog" yet. I would hold on. I know it seems like it is over and a done deal, but it doesn't have to be. There were many nights that I cried myself to sleep because I knew I was home alone while my H was with the OW. More than once we talked about/ screamed about divorce. Give it some time and give yourself some time. Do something for yourself that will make you happy. For me it was running. Everytime I felt scared or started to panic about where my life was heading I went for a run. I ran more miles than I can count over this past year.

The important thing right now is to not panic. Even if he is filing for divorce, refusing to talk to you and acting as if he no longer loves you, you have to try to not panic. My H never filed for divorce but he did all the rest. And there are so many people on this site whose marriages are recovering even though divorce papers were filed.

You can email me if you want to ajsmom6901@yahoo.com I know I could not have made it through this past year without some very special people who listened to me on a daily basis.

I pray for you to have strength and for God to guide your words and your actions. I pray for you to feel some peace today and for your hope to be renewed.

6901

6901,

There are differences in our situation, but they are so similar that it's surprising to me. I read your words and they echo my feelings and pain...

"I didn't want my marriage to end and I loved my husband despite all that had happened...It devastated me to think that my husband might really might leave me and for another woman. I felt like I was pathetic and worthless. My H knows better me than anyone, and if he didn't think I was worth loving then surely no one else could." ---My feelings exactly.

I don't know how you got from the point of realizing that you could stand on your own, that you would be OK, and that you were worthwhile. I would love to feel that way and I keep praying for strength, patient endurance and integrity. Right now I feel so hurt, betrayed, worthless and unlovable - like I will be alone forever and no one will ever love me or treat me with kindness and respect, or if I do find someone else, they will cheat on me as well. I feel like there is something wrong with me and I don't deserve happiness.

It doesn't help that my H keeps calling me and telling me that I'm a terrible person for bringing the affair into the light of day and making sure her parents know. I know it makes no sense, but it hurts to hear him tell me that he thinks I'm such an awful person and that "he would never do that or be that way" and that he's glad he's going to divorce someone who would be like that. This makes me feel terrible, not so much because I think it's true, but more because my H thinks such terrible things about me now and has absolutely no remorse for what he's done - he actually seems proud of it.

Also, he's now accusing me of having an affair and says he's going to start calling every guy I know and their wives to tell them I'm having an affair. (I have never had an affair. I do work w/ both men & women, but it's all professional. I contacted my lawyer to ask how to prevent this because my job is the only security I have right now.)

You also said "there were many nights that I cried myself to sleep because I knew I was home alone while my H was with the OW." Me too - I don't think the WS realizes how much pain and agony they cause. In my case, the OW is also very young (22), without a real job, and she still lives at home, so she can spend a lot of time paying attention to my H. On the other hand, I have a professional job, and I don't have my parents living with me to take care of the house, laundry, lawn, dog, bills, etc, while I go out and party and date married men (sorry, a little anger seeping out there). I don't know if I can ever get over the betrayal and pain of his choices.

I know that either way, I have to take care of myself because no one else will, but I'm having trouble doing this right now. I feel like I'm falling apart and I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next day, let alone the next week or the rest of my life. I've started individual therapy and anti-depressants to help me, but so far I haven't seen much difference.

I really appreciate your offer to email you because I feel like my friends just don't understand why I would still want to be married to my H after all of this. They also don't understand why I can't just pick myself up and be thankful that I'm (probably) rid of someone like my H, or why I would care whether he's with someone else after what he's done to me.

I'm going to take our dog for a walk - I used to run but I just don't think I have the energy or strength to do that right now. I will try to email you later today - I would love to know how you moved from the point of hopelessness and despair to really believing that either way you would be OK, or just to hear some kind words of support. You are an angel and I really appreciate you reaching out to me. It has helped to hear that someone else has gone through a similar situation and made it through to the other side - it gives me some hope. You must have amazing strength and courage to be able to do this while you had a young child at home. I hope all is well for you and your family now.

C

Well, things have gotten worse...

My H came back today (with the police) to get some personal items. While he was here he tried to take my dog, I came out of the house and said please don't take the dog (I did panic and said something like "first you have an affair and now you're trying to take my dog - you have no shame,
you're a terrible human being!" - I know I
shouldn't have said this, it just was a slap in the face to feel like he will do anything to hurt me - hasn't he done enough?) He then turned to the police officer and said "didn't she just say that she was going to kill me" - I absolutely did not say this and even the police officer said I didn't say that. What is he trying to pull?

Also, as he was leaving he told me that in etaliation for revealing his affair, he is going to email & call everyone I know (friends, work, etc) and tell them that I'm a terrible person and give them "proof" that I've had affairs. (??) I haven't been with anyone, so I'm not sure what he means, but my friend thinks he was monitoring my internet and found the ads I answered - let me explain - I was told that he was meeting women through personal ads, so I was trying to catch him by responding to ads that sounded like him or close to it - I even did searches using his descriptions to try to find his ads. I corresponded w/ a few that I thought were him, but I never dated or had any sexual contact w/ any of these men. (I still think some of these ads were him, but I can't prove it now.) I know it sounds like a really stupid thing to do in hindsight, but it was really driving me crazy to feel like he was cheating on me and yet he would deny it and tell me I was nuts. I just had to know the truth.

He seems to actually believe his accusations (he's accused me of having affairs several times in the past 3-4 months), and I know that he is doing this either consciously or subconsciously to try to feel better about what he's done, but it really hurts. My H knows I was sexually abused as a child and that I am not comfortable w/ men touching me or even hitting on me, and he knows that I would find his accusations incredibly hurtful and cruel! I guess there's no limit to how much he wants to hurt me.

It seems as though things are completely over and there is no hope. He hates me more than I imagined. Today he even denied that he ever said he wanted to work things out - and he denies it so
strongly that I think he really doesn't believe or remember that he said it. It's unreal.

Anyway, I feel like I'm truly dying inside and I need to pull myself together, but so far I just can't. I know others have been through worse situations and I'm just being weak, but I can't "get it together" as they say. I am seeing a therapist and taking anti-depressants.

Any advice on how to overcome the grief and start taking care of yourself? THanks everyone!!

Hi cmj,

Well things certainly have a twilight zone feeling to them from your posts.Your husband undoubtedly has more than this affair issue going on in his life.You said his mother has terminal cancer right? I wonder if he has been dealing with that at all or this affair is all part of his misguided way in detaching from the pain.

What I can tell you from my experience is that the start of healing is to be away from WH and focus on you.You have already started antidepressants and are seeing a therapist so that's a start but the grieving process is LONG and as painful as it is,DO NOT try to rush through it.Let the pain come,deal with it as best you can and it WILL pass and it does get better,more tolerable, I am living proof.

Remember to keep your dignity and respect and DON'T do anyhting that may come back to haunt you if you do head to divorce.Be the "best little girl" you can right now.Your WH sounds vengeful and he just might jump on any chance he can get to make this all your fault and try to get the authorities more involved,as already mentioned.Be careful who you talk to ,call and e-mail for now.

If you can look for the Divorce busting 180 degree list here on the boards.Since your WH is bent on getting a D as rapidly as possible,or so it would seem,this list might help you in more ways than one.

O

Sorry I don't have any advice, but our stories are somewhat similiar. my husband moved out about a month and a half ago I had suspected but was no sure who the OW was. not knowing consumed me so I played detective, I rented a car and followed and watched him all weekend today my suspicions were confirmed I saw him get out of where he is staying with none other then the 18 yr old girl he worked with ( he's 34) and she has a 1 yr old boy. I slowly pulled inback of them( at the red light I can see them kissing) so I followed him, when he stopped and went to his brothers house while she waited outside in the car I got out of the car and asked who the f@#*k she was, she had no reply meanwhile her baby was in my son's car seat I was so aggrivated that I punched her and broke her lip and forced her out of the car. I then ran up the stairs and called H name to come out, the total shocked look on his face when he saw me their. I again tried to hit her and he got in the way I smacked him as hard as I could twice. (they both got a share of me tonight, not that violence is the way)but I feel sooo much better to have confirmed everything. An 18 yr old poor him and even worse she has a 1yr old and possible expecting my H child. Man is all that extra baggage gonna weigh him down life can only get harder for him know..lol I'm so ready to move on. through all of this what pisses me off the most is that he has no concern for our 3yr old son he prefers her kid.But I know life will not be grand for them 2, As she has nothing to offer just staight out of high school got kicked out of her parents for getting pregnant again and he is a manthat has a drinking prob and nothing but bills to offer. who will be living the grand life with her son now ME!!!

cmj,

Based on the behavior that your husband exhibited by pounding on your bedroom door and making threats through that door, I think you should contact your local police and see what you need to do to put a protection order in place. Just my humble opinion.

Also, if everyone really was in cahoots over this, make sure that you are covered legally and can protect your rights. If the house is jointly owned, protect your share.

It sounds like you're really getting the shaft here. Take care to look out for yourself...

Jake

Your words of caution echo Dr. Harley's advice. I've been having a few phone consultations because I'm just at a loss as to how to keep the marriage together, and Dr. Harley advised that my H seems to be very clever and manipulative, so I should not trust anything he says or does and I should warn my lawyer that we have to proceed with extreme caution. The whole dog incident was a reminder that Dr. Harley was right. I have a lawyer now and I think she is good.

I didn't ask for a temp. restraining order at the time of the incident because they got him out of the house and I thought it would make him worse. He also seemed to hate me more for calling the police and I thought it would prevent a reconciliation if I requested a TRO. I'm waiting to hear back from my lawyer on what to do now, but there's nothing much we can do until Monday morning.

The hard part is seeing my H stand in front of me and act like a horrible person - and act like he completely hates me - it's like I don't even know him and yet he's my H that I would normally want to walk up and give him a hug and a kiss - it's very hard. I keep looking at him and thinking - oh my gosh, I love this man and I will probably never hold him or kiss him again. I can't stop crying.

Most of my friends, including the wives of some of his friends, are telling me the usual stuff (I deserve better, they knew he would become violent at some point, move on and forget him, etc). I guess I'm still in shock/disbelief and I keep wondering how things got so bad so fast. My H said his ony complaint was that I worked too much. I think that was true, but we agreed I would quit my job after the end of this year when he was more stable in his job and we would have a family. It just doesn't seem like his complaint is a good excuse for him to go out and have an affair. I keep telling him that I'll take the blame for not meeting his needs, but he's to blame for having an affair.

I really tried to be a patient, loving and kind wife. I'be been so forgiving when my H said nasty things to me and I've defended him so many times, even to his therapist who said he was verbally abusive. I've also been faithful - completely faithful as in I don't even flirt with other men. And now he has traded me in for someone who would date a married man. It makes me feel so low and worthless, and I can't stop asking "how can this be?" - "how did things get so bad so fast?"

I am trying to get myself together but I'm still feel like a zombie just walking around in grief, despair and pain. Does anyone know how to move past this and at least get through the daily activities?

Thanks everyone - this board has a life line for me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And now he has traded me in for someone who would date a married man. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess he is getting what he desrves...

John39 - your post actually helped me to crack a smile, which is a lot right now. Thanks

At the risk of sounding pathetic, I have to say that it hurts me sometimes to read the posts about husbands who love their wives enough that they are willing to work on their marriage even after the wife has been unfaithful and, in some cases, unkind. I am really trying to make this marriage work and I have never cheated. It just shows me how little my H loves me (or loved me) that he would give up on the marriage so fast and replace me so quickly. If he loved me even 10% as much as some of the BSH's on this board, we would have a thriving and beautiful marriage. It hurts so much to be rejected by the one person that I thought would be with me until "death do us part". I know, it sounds pathetic, but the contrast really strikes me and tears my heart up.

OK - back to trying to pull myself together. Wish me luck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

How do I respond to my H's call today? (story below) I'm supposed to be in Plan B.

My H just called me twice this morning, the first time to tell me that he was going to Boston to visit his mother. I was pleasant and polite, but very brief and quickly got off the phone. He seemed disappointed.

A little while later he called back and started to make an apology, something like "I'm not trying to hurt you..." - I'm fairly certain that he was referring to his affair and decision to choose the OW over me - I couldn't bear to hear more excuses and lies, so I interrupted him and said "H, what you did was horribly cruel and it did really hurt me. I have to go now. Goodbye." Then I hung up. My voice sounded like I was ready to start crying (and of course I did and now I'm going to be fighting the tears all day again).

I have no idea what I should have said. I don't think what I said was the right thing to say in either Plan A or B, but it just came out. Should I have just hung up? (I answered b/c his mother is sick and I thought it might be more news about that.) Or should I have listened to the apology and then said that I need to think about what he said before I could respond? Or should I have listened and responded - saying what?

By the way, I really don't see this as a good sign in any way. Maybe a sign of guilt or even another attempt to get me to let my guard down so that he can hurt me again, but this is not any sort of progress.

Thanks everyone. I'm still finding the grief and pain of the betrayal unbearable. I've been crying my eyes out for a week already and I have to get back to work now. Any advice/suggestions on that issue as well? I have a professional job and I'm losing it.

Thank you. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> !

You spoke your mind, too me there isn't anything wrong with that.

Next, it seems you need some time focusing on taking care of yourself.

I feel bad for you that you are crying so much, I don't know really what else to tell you. Hopefully some of the more seasoned MBers will be along.

Just an update...Warning: I'm also venting, so please forgive me.

My H is back home because I felt too bad about signing a restraining order. My friends all think I'm stupid or crazy for not signing it because they think he will continue to escalate his harassment and mean treatment, to the point of serious violence. I don't know. I guess I just don't care about it anymore and I want out...

For months and months I have endured my H's increasingly cruel and disrespectful treatment (e.g., rudeness, put-downs, swearing at me, calling me names, telling me everthing is my fault, etc, etc). I've lost 23 lbs since July (I'm now 112 at 5'5"), and cried myself to sleep or sat in my office and cried countless times. And this was all BEFORE I received the evidence of the affair (on 12/24) and found out he had been lying and deceiving me for months on end.

His treatment of me the past several months doesn't even take into consideration all the times over the past 5 years that my H blamed me for things I hadn't done, told his friends & family I had been sleeping around (not true, never cheated on him to this day), and repeatedly made fun of me in front of his friends or was just rude to me in public (I can't tell you how many times people asked me why I was still w/ such a person). I guess I'm saying that I've had enough, and I should have hit my limit long before now.

When my H came home, he handed me a handwritten letter. I did not read it nor did I want to, and I could tell by the look on his face that it was anything but the apology(ies) that I deserve. I don't need to hear any more of his self-serving lies or attempts to tell me that I "deserve" his cruel treatment (including the affair) or that it's not so bad and I'm "overly sensitive" and should just put up with it.

So, I folded the paper without looking at it and confronted him by saying, "H, by handing me this letter, you've shown me that I have not made myself clear to you. I do not associate with people like you - (I gave a quick summary of how bad he's treated me, topped off by all the lies and the affair). I don't want to know what someone like you thinks, feels or has to say to me. So please, leave me alone."

OK - I know - it's was a big LB and judgmental, but I have to tell you that for the first time I felt like I was liberated from a psychotic tyrant. I can't tell you how many times my H has told me that something isn't true when it is true and I have factual evidence. I can't even begin to tell you the ugly lies my H has told about me to his family and friends - and he seems to believe them! When the police came for the domestic disturbance, he told them that he was only knocking "lightly" on the door - and he seemed to believed himself! (I told him to listen to the 911 tape and try to say that again w/ a straight face.) He also said that he told me about the affair several months ago, and he seems to believe this! Why would I need to hire a PI if that were true? Why would we still live together and sleep in the same bed? I pointed out that at the end of October I took him to a work party, where he was hanging all over me, kissing me, telling everyone he was so proud that I'm his wife, AND swearing to me that he (1) was not having an affair and (2) that he would never even flirt with other women. Two of my co-workers overheard him saying these things and they teased me about. My H now tells me that "none of that" is true and that "the conversation never happened." (??? I called my co-workers again today just to see if I remembered it correctly, and I did.) So, my H either really doesn't believe/remember these things or he's a professional liar. Either way he I think he has a serious mental disorder and the only one who's hurt by it is me.

I know that I am partly to blame because I always forgave his insults, cruel treatment, small lies, etc and it all just escalated to the point where now it is as if I'm in a bad "made for TV" movie. I also know that he doesn't dare treat other people like that because he knows they wouldn't be as loving and forgiving, so I'm sure there are enough peole who will tell him he's great, etc. etc. I don't care. I know what the truth is and I have enough other people who have witnessed it firsthand that I can no longer excuse his lies/psychosis. So, I quit. Someone else can be his emotional and psychological punching bag.

I will say that when I spoke my peace, it was as if, all of a sudden, I stopped hurting so much because I no longer cared. The love bank closed without warning and it's relocating to a new place where people like my H are denied citizenship!!! I also have to say that when I told him how I felt, I was no longer attracted to him - I saw that mean/grumpy/moody/"creepy" look on his face that everyone mentions, and I saw what kind of a person he is inside and I had no desire to be near him. The tears dried up and I felt as if a huge burden was lifted from me.

The funny thing is that, as part of the PI work, we have hard evidence that his mistress is cheating on him! This happened at the end of Dec, and apparently she's been w/ this other guy more than once while she was seeing my H. I will admit that I found it amusing at the time - poetic (or Heaven-sent) justice - and my PI called it a "bonanza" for us. So, I was originally planning on showing him because I thought he deserved it, and I'm sure she would deny it until confronted w/ this proof - it's bad. However, I no longer want to do show him. I don't care anymore. My friends think I shouldn't show him because then he'll dump her and they think he's getting exactly what he deserves. I don't know - I feel like either way it is a form of revenge - if I show him, he'll be so hurt, but if I don't, he'll continue dating a girl who's already cheating on him. I think I will just leave it alone. He made his choices and can suffer the consequences, if any.

Well, sorry for the long post, and I do feel bad that I am the worst MB-practitioner in the history of this board. Please forgive me for not being a good example of how to MB, and please try to understand that I just hit a brick wall and it's been 5 years in the making. I know I'm not out of the woods yet, I still feel a lot of pain, grief, and sorrow, but it's more due to a combination of all the hideous things I have gone through as opposed to one thing, such as his affair. I also know that it will still take all my strength to hang onto what I do have left and to rebuild, so I'm going to keep posting just to try to keep my chin up and not feel so worthless and destroyed. I hope I can at least set a good example of rebuilding my life and finding joy, peace and happiness.

C

What your husband has been doing to you is called gaslighting. Not sure if you've ever heard of it.

I have never heard of gaslighting. Would you explain a little more about it? It has been so frustrating to try to deal w/ and understand him, so any insight you have would be helpful. It also scares me to think what he will do & say (or make up) when it comes to the divorce. Thanks!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cmj:
<strong> I have never heard of gaslighting. Would you explain a little more about it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jumping in here: "Gaslighting" is a term that comes from a '40s movie by the name "Gaslight"

Ingrid Bergman starred as the naiive young bride of an older man who was slowly driving her crazy. The lights (gaslight) would dim, and she was the only one who seemed to notice. Her belongings would disappear and reappear, and her husband kept slowly planting the idea in her mind that she was going crazy. He isolated her socially, by setting her up to look foolish when they went out. Angela Lansbury (Murder, She Wrote) was a disrespectful housemaid who took advantage of the husband's meanness to his wife to sneer at the young woman.

Another man visited the young wife, and cracked the case. He told her she was not going insane, that her husband was "gaslighting" her.

The husband would go to the flat next door to theirs, and turn down the gas, causing the light to flicker in the rooms where his wife sat. Before coming back home, he would turn the gas back to the normal level.

The lights never flickered unless he had left the house and been gone a few minutes.

It's a story about cruelty, greed and deception.

The man's motive? There was treasure in the attic, he had murdered his bride's relative, then married this young woman, in order to keep access to the house so he could continue to search for in the attic (which connected to the empty house next door) for the fortune.

I guess that's more than you wanted to know ---

I too know how you feel! I just found out 2 1/2 weeks ago at the end of my daughter's wedding reception my H was having an affair with his ex-secretary who is much older than him. Talk about a double slap in the face. She pretended to be my friend - sick. I had to expose the A in our hotel room. They denied everything. After a 12 hr. drive home to life in a new city for me, he still denied it until 2 days later. The day before he admitted the A but no sex. The next day I learned everything from all my questioning. The A, yes a lot of sex, went on for 5 months. He even planned to bring her to his department in his new job. I found hundreds of emails in personal and family folders and hundreds of voicemails saved in his personal private box. I also had to tell her H. He thanked me for telling him, but now is in denial. I just yesterday found very damaging saved voicemail the week of our daughter's wedding reception on his cell phone which was under my name. I bought the phone for him when he lost his job to use to find a new job - hahaha. This was an emotional A after he thought he ended the sex, but had planned on bringing her to our new city to start the fire again. She is very deceitful and lustful on the tape. Should I give her husband a copy? I believe she has done this before - they did not have a normal marriage - 39yrs.? I have been married 32 yrs. I am devastated, heartbroken, can't eat, sleep or function. We went to a marriage counselor last week and don't go again until next week. He came away from the 1st session believing she told him to throw his A away and not talk about it ever. I am tired of doing all the talking. He told me this morning he will go to a psychologist then said he would call the counselor and get her opinion. He has confessed he blocked and "forgot"the A. I don't believe that for a second. If he doesn't understand the why's of his actions, it will happen again. I will never go through pain like this again in my life! I left my job, family and friends and moved 12 hrs. away to be stabbed over and over again in the heart. I am reading everything I can to try and understand why he did this, but I can't do it alone.

Bellevue - Thank you for the explanation. I think that sometimes my H does lie just to annoy or control me (gaslighting), but sometimes he seems to really believe the lies. If I have any evidence that proves he's wrong, he claims I "doctored" the evidence or made it up. (??) Also, sometimes he lies, and I tell him that I know he's lying, but he just continues. It's very frustrating and I don't know how to deal w/ it. Maybe I'll rent that movie! lol

Judy - I am so, so sorry to read your story. One thing you wrote really struck me...

"I left my job, family and friends and moved 12 hrs. away to be stabbed over and over again in the heart. I am reading everything I can to try and understand why he did this, but I can't do it alone."

First of all, you will not be alone. You can vent and cry on this board anytime of the day. I know you moved far away, but can you also contact your friends and family and tell them what happened and ask if you can call on them for emotional support? I told two of my good single girlfriends that I needed "emergency hotlines" that I could call any time of the day in case the pain and grief seemed unbearable. I tried not to abuse this, but one night I called my friend and I just cried for almost an hour w/ her on the phone. I just did not want to cry alone again and it helped me to just know someone was there listening to me and telling me that I was loved and I would be OK. I also corresponded w/ friends by email. At the very least, keep posting here and I will respond. Sometimes at night I have gotten out of bed and went to my computer and just cried while I looked to se if anyone had responded to me yet. Seeing a reply, even though it's from a stranger, always lifted my spirits.

I want you to know that I also gave up my job/friends/family to move to the east coast to be w/ my H (we weren't married at the time) AND, I agreed to move to a suburb that I didn't want to earlier this year because my H really wanted to. It was near our new home in the suburbs that my H met his mistress. So, I understand that making those sacrifices just adds another layer to the feelings of betrayal and hurt. I hurt so much from how my H treated me and his lies and the affair that I literally felt like I had a physical pain over my heart and I kept rubbing that area to ease the pain until my skin was bruised and I had to stop.

Adultery is a horribly cruel thing to do to someone - and it feels so awful because the person you trusted with your heart doesn't seem to care how much they hurt you because all they think about is themselves. So, I guess I would say you have every right to feel this pain. Maybe try not to show the full extent of your pain in the presence of your H. Dr. Harley told me that if my H asks how I'm doing, I should just reply - "I'm not doing very well" - and leave it at that without crying and sobbing. I hope this is good advice for your situation. And then post on this board and keep reading. Try distracting yourself, maybe try learning something new that you have to concentrate on in order to give yourself a break from all the emotions you are feeling. I know that it's nearly impossible to do anything when we feel this awful, but was have to at least try. Some days I pretend that my H passed away and that I have to accept that he's gone forever, gather all my strength, and start rebuilding my life.

I don't know if I'm helping or not, but please know that there are wonderful people on this board who seem to reach out to us when we are drowning in grief.

Take care, C

JLight - for some reason I thought your name was Judy, sorry for any misunderstanding. My post to Judy was obviously meant for you. C