Should I tell the other man's wife about the emotional affair?

whatwold be the consequences/repurcussions?

ma,
YES! and damn the consequences! your W will be angry as h#ll but so what?! this is text book stuff. she will get over it and in the process will come to understand that this is not a game but she's playing but serious business with serious repercussions.

further, if it were me, i would tell everybody that you both know! friends, family business asscociates (of her's and the OM's) people in your religious community..every one. in my case, i wanted to take an ad out in our weekly newspaper!

understand something...nothing...NOTHING YOU CAN IMAGINE...sucks the romance out of these nasty, illicet, little reltionships like the cold light of truth. it's like shining light in a dark room full of cockroaches! put that light on and watch them run for cover!

just do it!

coach

Yes. You would want to know if you were in her position, wouldn't you?

When you say emotional affair are you talking about nothing sexual being involved? If so did WS tell you that it was only emotional?

If WS said it is only emotional, it is very likely that this is not the truth.

Yes tell OM W. Why?
1. Aid in ending A, in that you bring honesty in a situation that survives on dishonesty

2. Inform OM W that her M is in trouble, even though she may suspect it anyway, goes to family well being.

3. If WS is being dishonest and sexual intercourse did occur you both will need to be concerned about STDs. Even if sex didn't occur intent to share emotional bond with another did and needs to be addressed. From what I've read on different post some WSs start off with having several emotional A before turning to sexual A.

4. OM W may be helpful as an ally to help you both save your M. Refer her to MBs.

Advocate - please read the post linked in my sig line and the embedded posts. One of them deals specifically with this topic.

You will read that the prevailing view is that, yes, anything short of broadcasting it on the 6 o'clock news is recommended. Some recommend putting it on BOTH the 6 AND 11 o'clock news.

But, that said, rare circumstances may argue NOT to squeal. Very rare. I recommend you update this post with all relevant info pertaining to the situation. Include everything that could play a part in the outcome - including any potential for violence and any interdependencies that may make your situation unique.

thanks for all of your answers. I'm leaning on speaking to the OM's Wife. I guess the thing is to not do it out of revenge, or anger. I've been doing research on the OM, and the only thing that i have right now is a cell phone registered with Sprint PCS. (anyone work for sprint? name and addres. Unfortunately they're out of state. I'd like to find out how to do a cell trace. To call, or email the information that I found.

Worthatry, I appreciate the above post, in that it clarifies why you feel that one should postpone or reconsider informing OP S.

I read your post, WAT's Guidelines and I took issue with your thoughts about exposing the A and a few other things. I wanted to post directly to you but couldn't find a thread. Perhaps I misunderstood some things. But, again I appreciate your responce regarding Exposing A.

As it pertains to exposing A for the male BSs vs. female BSs, I wonder if it is more diffcult for male BSs being that men (OM) may sometimes be more prone to react violently than for female BSs to expose A in that women (OW) (not that we do not commit violent crimes also) may have a little cat fight and then it is over? What do you and other male posters think?

Well, i don't believe that something like that is worth fighting, or going to jail over. If WS is determined to be with someone else than there's nothing you can do about that. Life goes on, leave the dead baggage behind and move on with your life. That's just how i feel. it may be hard, but emotionally when you evaluate the facts, and this person had disrespected you with no concern for your emotions. Personally I would'nd want to be with anyone like that. So to answer your question I'm not going to jail for someone else's wrong doings.

ma,
although saying so may be presumptious on my part, i feel safe saying that nobody that posts regularly on this board would ever condone, never mind advise, anything resembling violence...either toward the WS or toward the cheating partner involved in the affair.

what is recomended is for the BS to take a pro-active, no nonsence approach to fighting for your marriage. and NO...this is not a battle for the faint of heart. to be successful in winning out, the BS is called upon to behave with a level of maturity beyond that which any of us ever thought we would have to perfom. further it's required that we face up to that adversity head on...face up to the pain, humiliation and degridation that has been and will continued to be heaped on us.

doing so is a concious choice we make to achieve what most here feel is the greater good. saving a rmeaningful relationship that was meant to be a life time comittment.

coach

Not saying that it is condoned, however that is one thing that some people have concerns over.

I too am struggeling with this. On one hand I want to hurt the other person's marriage the way mine was hurt. I am concerned about std's. OM's past and OM's wifes past could now effect me, who knows where they have been. She may have information for me on this topic. On the other hand I never would want to put Om's wife through the hell on earth I have been through. It is more pain then I would have ever thought I could endure, I don't want another soul on the planet to feel the way I do. I don't know if I could live with being the one to break her heart. I have decided for now not to tell her, but it is a decision I am having a hard time reconciling.

I too am struggeling with this. On one hand I want to hurt the other person's marriage the way mine was hurt. I am concerned about std's. OM's past and OM's wifes past could now effect me, who knows where they have been. She may have information for me on this topic. On the other hand I never would want to put Om's wife through the hell on earth I have been through. It is more pain then I would have ever thought I could endure, I don't want another soul on the planet to feel the way I do. I don't know if I could live with being the one to break her heart. I have decided for now not to tell her, but it is a decision I am having a hard time reconciling.

MyAdvocate

Yes, tell OM W. She needs to know so that she can take appropriate steps to repair her marriage. As long as she is kept in the dark she will not have an opportunity to work on the problem until it is to late. Exposure is not about revenge but instead is about honesty and accountability.

"I wonder if it is more difficult for male BSs being that men (OM) may sometimes be more prone to react violently than for female BSs to expose A in that women (OW) (not that we do not commit violent crimes also) may have a little cat fight and then it is over? What do you and other male posters think?"

Male BS typically do not act out with violence. Even guys that have a rep for being aggressive don't necessarily act out when they learn of the betrayal because it take TWO to tango and they are crushed that their W betrayed them. They may be very angry and Lb with disrespectful judgments but not with violence.

Beau

Dumbblond

IMHO, Exposing and A to OMW is not about causing pain. It is about being an honest and moral person. To not tell is lying. Obvious their marriage is in trouble and unless someone has the moral fortitude to contact OMW then she will be blindside when she accidentally finds out. Numerous FBS have said repeatedly on MB that they wish someone had told them. At least they would have a fighting chance. In fact many friendships have ended because the friend knew about the A and did not tell W.
When we keep our mouth shut we condone the A. When we keep out mouth shut we avoid involvement. When we keep our mouth shut we lie. Protecting another person from pain due to a sick marriage does them no favor.

Beau

Tell.

MyAdvocate & DumbBlond,
There are many threads that discuss the dilemma of whether to tell or not.
If you want to search my name or member number I've posted many times on this subject.

Briefly you should tell for several reasons:

Protect yourself and your marriage. By telling you help shut down the secrecy surrounding the affair. Soon it will wither and die. Do this even if your spouse swears that NC is in full force because that my be a lie or in the future one or the other affair partner may have a weak moment and recontact. If both sets of BSs are aware of the affair and the potential withdrawal pains and are vigilent new contact will be difficult (but not impossible)

I didn't tell the OM's W for awhile because I was afraid I was doing it out of revenge. After a year I felt very guilty that I hadn't called her. I empathized with her and realized that had she been the first to discover the affair I would have appreciated her call to inform me.

When I finally called her, she didn't really believe me. I tried to meet with her but she wouldn't. She said she'd discuss with her H. I felt like saying,"oh yeah he'll admit everything." I called back the next day and what a surprise he denied the A. Although he couldn't deny all of the secret calls, lunches and dinners so he did admit to a special relationship the "details of which he had kept secret from her." He also said that I had always "had it in for him." Since I barely new him I thought that was a good one. I asked what will it take for you to believe me. She said I'll believe it if your W admits it. She called the W. She believed it. She called me and thanked me profusely for calling to tell her. She said I hope your M can recover as I hope mine will. Have a good life. That thanks washed away all of the guilt that I had carried for over a year.

So I say call them today!! Warn them that their spouse's reaction will be to deny but that you have the proof. For those of you fearful that the OM will get violent I would argue just the opposite. Truth be told most of them are liars and when it comes down to it cowards.

cwmac

do not tell! many people who find out are concerned with STD's and have to deal with emotions such as anger and want to hold the person who destroyed their life accountable. if you and your spouse are working on your problems, issues, etc., then concentrate on that. if your pain is real and you hate the fact that you found out, i'm sorry. deep inside we all want to destroy the life of the person who destroyed ours. some people would rather live a lie and would choose to not know. the problems between the other and his/her spouse should be left between them. we all have skeletons in our closet. concentrate on making your situation better and let the obsession of the other go.

i'm struggling with should i tell my own spouse. recently ended an A and am dying inside. want to do what is best for all involved but would mean coming clean if i want to repair all damage done to myself and marriage. do not know if loving is something i am capable of and am tired of living a lie. withdraw from the other is like death and makes it difficult to concentrate on anyone else. am being totally selfish but what do you do when you MISS them so much. the loss of this PERSON has been so difficult. i've cut off all communication and have made it clear to the other that it is over. want to love spouse again but have lost all desire. feel like i'm living a lie and want to curl up in a corner and break down. my heart is broken. can a person fall out of love from a spouse and in love with another while still married? everyones' pain here tells me its wrong and not possible. why? i grew up in a home where no matter what, you hold the marriage together. is it realistic? in order for me to save my marriage, i realize i must come clean and give spouse the opportunity to choose to stay or go. please help me, do i tell and confess my emotional ties (even though it's over) and desire to be with other again. i know spouse would want to know and would definitely end marriage. do i have the right to devesate them with the truth?

dear wanttobeinlove

i agree with the DO NOT TELL policy. If spouse wants to tell, it is his/her responsibillity. To hurt someone out of revenge and desperation, is cruel. As far as STD's, go get checked by your doctor and seeks answers from them. Other spouse does not have answers for you.

On another note, I commend you for ending your A. my A recently ended and i agree it feels like death and it's difficult to move on and look forward. i don't agree that all A's are awful and disgusting, i do agree it is the person who hurts themselve the most. Everyone here must understand pain involves everyone. People fall in and out of love all the time and the difficulty of holding marriages together in today society is so hard. While i can not understand what it must be like on the receiving end of the pain I can understand the courage it takes to end an A. Please understand if a person has made a conscious decision to end an affair but the spouse who found out can not seem to move on beyond their own pain and obsession of the other, it becomes difficult for the marriage to move forward. Pain is involved in ending an affair and a person experiences a sense of loss also. Only with time and understanding on the forgiving parties end can the cheater learn to love again. Do not make things more difficult and get so caught up in the details, revenge, and why's. Affairs occur out of need and pain. Please try to understand your need and pain and share it with your spouse. Life is so short and it must not be wasted in pain. Stick to your decision and move on without the other. It is possible. As for your decision to tell your spouse, only you can answer your own question. Have courage in what you decide.