</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by elspeth:
"The chances of being eaten by a lion on Main Street are not one in a million. On the other hand, once should be enough."
[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good point. Thanks, I think.

eemd, I am sorry about what you are going through and I feel your pain. If I may offer a suggestion, make her take the kids! Is there any way that this can be done? Make that SOB know what he is getting himself into...as if he already doesn't know. When she has plans with him make up an excuse so that she must take them with her. This should slap him in the face and force him to look at reality.

I pray that this is said in frustration...

please please please...never sacrifice or subject your children to such insane chaos as a route to enlighten/end an affair...

WS and all others will do what they will..

children need stability, familiarity, and safe boundaries....never too be used as a catalyst...

let the adults who are behaving badly do so...
and the BS must become the safe place for the children...

boundaries are extremely important when dealing with a WS...and setting and acting on ones when their are children involved is a must in plan A...

these boundaries can certainly include not being available to be home all the time so that the WS can not just "go out"...but never encourage children to be exposed to the WS....especially if not even admitting there is an affair...OR no clearly defined limits that protect the children....

ark <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

This is just the kind of topic thread that makes me mad.

Children are not BAGGAGE and if it helps people to think that just because a woman OR a man has children that thier "chances" for having another caring, loving relationship is doomed,then that is sad.

I would rather be ALONE with my dear children if I were to get divorced and the only men out there were looking for a "piece of A$$" as someone put it so ELOQUENTLY.

Relationships are difficult given the best of circumstances let alone when children are involved.Women AND men here have primary custody of their kids because of a wayward spouse who has left the home to be with the OM/OW.

If I were divorced,I would gladly get involved with a man who had children if he cherished them as much as I do.I think for many women,myself included,that is one of our most, if not THE most important reason for living and gives us the most joy.

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">eemd, I am sorry about what you are going through and I feel your pain. If I may offer a suggestion, make her take the kids! Is there any way that this can be done? Make that SOB know what he is getting himself into...as if he already doesn't know. When she has plans with him make up an excuse so that she must take them with her. This should slap him in the face and force him to look at reality. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">she leaves the kids home while she goes to be with the om. my 15d takes care of the 9d,5s. i dont live with them wife doesnt want me to live with them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Shaken ---

I read this - and was immediately feeling pelted by it. Still am to a certain extent. I'm a woman with four children. My ex chose to leave. He didn't want a woman with four children either - although he helped to create three of those children. However, he's out there somewhere entertaining some other woman's children with the same vigor and consideration he did my oldest to get my attentions, treating her as if she was gold - until we married, at which time he decided he couldn't be bothered and children took time and effort on my part away from him.

I realize there are men out there who are great fathers and women who slither around in dark alleys. I don't for a minute believe that I'm the only woman who was abandoned by her H, who didn't bother to look back.

There are both kinds out there and if you married the kind of woman who can walk away from her kids, I'm sorry for you - but the same happens in reverse. And God help me, if that's the best opportunity I have to provide a home and family for my children - single parenthood is beginning to look pretty darned good for a life time!

You might want to look at this all another way too. What woman in her right mind is going to be interested in marrying a man who is responsible for supporting, visiting and raising four children, or two children, or one child? It goes both ways. Just because you were the innocent doesn't make your position any more appealing.

I'm there - I can answer your question. The men who look my way are stable, ready for a family, and realize that I come as a package deal. MAny of them have children of their own, and some of them have custody. IF they don't have custody, they are actively providing for and caring for their children in every way they can through the time they have their chidren. There won't be a father stepping in to pick up where I'm not woman enough to carry the load, it's me or nobody, unless the man is interested in helping me - and if he isn't - I'm LOOKING AWAY FAST!

I not only have my four children, I have two nephews and a niece who has a new baby, who are part of my family, and I consider them my responsibility too. If the man I'm interested in has children, I will consider them partially my responsibility. He comes as a package deal the same as I do.

If I were less of a woman, there are many men out there who are willing to put their hand in my pocket, but I don't want a man along for the ride - I want a copilot willing to carry his share of the load - not just financially, but emotionally too. I'll share - but if I'm gonna carry the load - I'm gonna be doing it alone.

I'm worth the effort - are you?

Jan

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sj *trouble*:
<strong> Shaken ---

I read this - and was immediately feeling pelted by it.

Dear SJ*trouble*: I realized well after my initial post that my words may have hurt some women here, especially those of you who have 4 children. I am saddened by this.

I wrote the note selfishly to be honest. I was looking for some hope that I would remain the most qualified man for my wife - as I want to be with her and our 4 beautiful children.

Still am to a certain extent. I'm a woman with four children. My ex chose to leave. He didn't want a woman with four children either - although he helped to create three of those children. However, he's out there somewhere entertaining some other woman's children with the same vigor and consideration he did my oldest to get my attentions, treating her as if she was gold - until we married, at which time he decided he couldn't be bothered and children took time and effort on my part away from him.

I can sense your pain and possibly the bewilderment in your post. To be honest, my wrath (if I have any) is directed toward both men and women who choose to abandon their spouses and children. I still believe that God will honour the person who is abandoned - no matter how many children or dependents they may have.

I realize there are men out there who are great fathers and women who slither around in dark alleys. I don't for a minute believe that I'm the only woman who was abandoned by her H, who didn't bother to look back.

There are both kinds out there and if you married the kind of woman who can walk away from her kids, I'm sorry for you - but the same happens in reverse.

My wife will never abandon her kids. She is, however, prepared to abandon her marriage and hurt her kids in the process.

And God help me, if that's the best opportunity I have to provide a home and family for my children - single parenthood is beginning to look pretty darned good for a life time!

You might want to look at this all another way too. What woman in her right mind is going to be interested in marrying a man who is responsible for supporting, visiting and raising four children, or two children, or one child? It goes both ways. Just because you were the innocent doesn't make your position any more appealing.

You are right. No matter how one looks at it, an abandoned spouse with a few children may not be the most appealing scenario. The truth is, though, that most dependent children live with their mother most of the time, not the father. It appears God needs to give single mothers an extra measure of strength and grace.

I'm there - I can answer your question. The men who look my way are stable, ready for a family, and realize that I come as a package deal. MAny of them have children of their own, and some of them have custody. IF they don't have custody, they are actively providing for and caring for their children in every way they can through the time they have their chidren. There won't be a father stepping in to pick up where I'm not woman enough to carry the load, it's me or nobody, unless the man is interested in helping me - and if he isn't - I'm LOOKING AWAY FAST!

I appreciate your good attitude. I can only speak for myself, but if my wife and I divorce, I would not hesitate to get involved with a single woman with 4 children - even with my 4 children - because to me the commitment to a potential soul-mate would be worth it.

I not only have my four children, I have two nephews and a niece who has a new baby, who are part of my family, and I consider them my responsibility too. If the man I'm interested in has children, I will consider them partially my responsibility. He comes as a package deal the same as I do.

If I were less of a woman, there are many men out there who are willing to put their hand in my pocket, but I don't want a man along for the ride - I want a copilot willing to carry his share of the load - not just financially, but emotionally too. I'll share - but if I'm gonna carry the load - I'm gonna be doing it alone.

I'm worth the effort - are you?

Absolutely. Thanks.

Jan </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">