I'm so confussed.How do I let go?I can't do this anymore.This emotional rollercoaster I'm on is killing me.My H is having affairs on the internet
and now they(or she)is calling him.This behavior of his has been going on for along time but now I'm really seeing it for the first time.I'm sleeping on the floor in my daughters room and have been now for a month because he was chatting with someone and had been for a couple of weeks(I could tell because it was the same window every evening).We got into an argument and I moved all my things out of our bedroom.He moved all his things into our room including the computer so now he can shut our door and chat with whoever and he shuts our door when his cell phone rings.I don't know how to handle this.I'm the one trying to make everything good and right for us all the time.I'm supporting 5 of us,he doesn't work so he sits home all day and "chats".He had an affair with someone which started last March.He started leaving the house when I got home from work(@3pm) and stayed out until 1AM talking to her on his cell this went on for a month or so but then he would come home and tell me he loved me and sleep next to me.How can this happen?By July he was making plans to fly to OH to meet this person.He left me and the kids and was gone for a week.He even wanted to show me the video he made when he was there.He said he wanted to show me where he went but it showed her children playing and some of her I could hear her talking to him and them.My H just sat there on his computer and wanted our kids and me to watch this.My heart is still broken.Their affair ended in August after his second trip there.She apparently went back to her husband.All this time he was treating me like we were "normal",still hugging me ect.Then I found out about someone else he started having an affair with when I over heard a conversation he was having with #2.He would stay up really late and chat with her and the "warnning signs" would come back like his tone of voice would change when he would talk to me(very stern and negative)and he stopped calling me at work during the day,no hugs all of a sudden ect.Now it's happening again.I don't know how to break this addiction he has.I asked him "What aren't you getting out of our relationship"and "What is it that I'm not giving him".He thought about it for a while and he said"you give me everything,love,support,sex whenever,friendship"then he told me it wasn't me there wasn't anything wrong with me and I wasn't doing anything wrong.That doesn't help me at all to understand why he's doing what he's doing.We've been married 18 years and have 3 beautiful children.I've tried my best to keep us together for so long.My children want him gone.They are 9,11,16 years old and they know what he's doing and done.My H girlfriends usually would call when I left for work and my children would overhear his conversations which made them feel bad.Before I knew any of this my 9yr old and I were shopping and asked me "mom why does dad tell his friend that he loves her".That's how this all started.All of this mess has been going on now for 2 years and I'm tired emotionally and it's startting to effect my health.I don't know what to do anymore.When I try to talk to him about whats going on he denies being involved with anyone and he says he's not in a relationship with anyone and he's not looking for one.He's become a very good lier and very minipulative.He can act like my "normal" husband one day and the next day he's very distant.He can call me at work and be very "loving"but when I get home it's back to the stern voice.That's how fast he changes.So I really don't know what I'm living with from one day to the next,or moment to moment.It's very hurtful because I know about these women but they don't know about me.They don't know they are talking to a married man.I don't have access to his computer at all he has his chat room running all the time and he doesn't let us use it at all.I'm confussed and lost right now.I can't live like this any more.I've been a faithful and extremely loveing wife very supportive.When his affair broke up in August I held him while he cried even.I guess at that moment I could relate to his pain.I feel like my H died and is gone forever and for the past 2 years I've been trying so hard to find him again but he's not here with me anymore.How did we end up like this?I've been in love with him since I was 15 years old and I never thought he would change us the way he has.I thought we were invinsable.Within the spectrum of love he's been it all,within me.How do I let go???Please can someone help me???/

Hi Mand

I'm afraid I haven't been here long enough to give the advice I think you're looking for now - I just wanted to reply so you know someone has read your message and is thinking of you.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you and your family. You've come to the right place though!

Katie

Sounds like a self-esteem issue to me. If he sits home all day, he probably feels somewhat depressed and needs these on-line relationships to make him feel better.

Read all of the information here and keep posting. You will get some great support and ideas. Also I know it is hard not to, but don't take it personally. It sounds like his issue.

You pay the bills, so shut off the cell phone and the internet first. Cut back, because you're going to end up paying alimony to the bum as soon as you wake up to the user and decide to end it.

He has no incentive to change. You're giving him everything he wants; his own private suite to surf porn and cozy up to internet sl*ts. You work your tail off to provide him shelter, food, clothing and the occasional interaction with offspring.

Have you talked with an attorney yet?

I am so sorry that your life has been such sorrow for the last two years. Serial betrayers seldom change their habits unless they are forced to see the damage it has done...AND...they want to change. They almost always need some professional guidence to discovery why they have this unending need for reassurance from multiply sources. He needs a PUSH to want to change, you're sleeping in the kids room is not it. He needs to realize that he could lose you for good if he doesn't change.

I have to agree with KA...stop helping him cheat. Turn off the cell phone, even if it means paying the contract out. Get rid of the internet (hopefully you'll be able to use a public/work one to keep yourself in touch). Cancel all credit cards which have both of you on them and that are under your control. (Start a savings account for ONLY you and start taking those steps to protect yourself and your children.) I am NOT saying to take control over all the money and leave him pennyless...I am saying to cut back on those things which he is using in the wrong way which are harmful to your marriage and your family.

It really sounds as if you've already tried a good Plan A...just loving him and supporting him for the last two years. It may well be time to look at Plan B. If you're unfamilar with these two plans on this site, please read up on them.

This has now begun to effect your children in a very negitive way and that means you must take actions. You do NOT want them growing up thinking this is normal or right. They need to see a strong, moral mother who when faced with choices does her best for not only them...but for herself.

btw...Plan B is separating yourself physically and emotionally from your spouse. It is NOT easy to do, especially when there are children involved. But he needs to see life without your support and love and comfort. He needs to face the results of his choices and bad judgements. He needs out of the house!!!!

May God grant you the courage and the strength and the wisdom to do what is best for your children and you....and even your H.

Well my H and I had a talk.He's acting strange again,distant,no hugs,kisses,very direct when he talks to me.These are the signs that there's possibly someone new he's interested in.When we talked he said if he had the money he'd leave.He's tired of our situation(he doesn't do anything to help it.He sits home all day and does nothing).I asked him if he wants a divorce he said he wants a separation but starting in April through August.How convienient right through the summer months again.Last summer it was someone in OH, the summer before it was someone in ILL.I can't help but think there's someone else just by his behavior and now hearing this.It seems that he's already making plans.He told me not to worry about him just take care of the children(3 beautiful girls 9,11 and 16).I always have.He told me that he wishes he could just leave sometimes,I said I do too at times,he said why don't you.I just told him I don't run away from my responsibilities.He didn't know what to say.I don't know what to do anymore.Our financial situation is bad,I'm trying so hard to support 5 of us on just my income and have for along time and all he does is complain,he'll walk in the kitchen and if there's nothing he wants in ther he'll say"we're going to starve".The humiliation I'm suffering from borrowing money(for food)is terrible.I've even gone to a food bank for assistance.He doesn't deal with any of this he just sits at his computer and chats all day and doesn't do anything(I'm not kidding).I'm so tired.I'm expecting some money soon and yesturday I asked my dad if I could borrow some money so I could get caught up on some bills.After dealing with that all day my dad finally agreed to help me(he's causious because of my H,my dad doesn't trust my H).I was so excited when I got home.My H was sleeping.When he woke up all he did was "B" at me because I didn't call him back.Irrigardless of what I had accomplished for us.Again no hugs(we've always been very affectionate with each other,we touch each other even if we're just walking by each other)but that's stopped now.So much damage has occured over the past two years.I don't know if I can fix this.I don't know how to begin or if I really want to try anymore.Everyday has been a struggle for me because I'm constantly trying to make our situation better.I'm the one that deals with the kids all the time.If he sees something of wants them to do something he comes to me to deal with it and to tell them what to do.When he was involved with A #1,he made a comment one time to me "maybe if I make her life hell she'll leave me alone".I don't understand this but it makes me wonder if that's what he's doing to me to get me to leave.He always tells me how much happier he was when me and the kids wern't there.That hurts.After 20+ years together I can't believe he's treating me like this.He's not the man I married.I always thought we were so special because we've known each other for so long(since 7th grade).I guess that doesn't mean anything anymore.I don't know what to do.I'm doing everything possible to help us right now and I'm constantly getting slapped in the face.I'm having a hard time and I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

MAND-
I'm so sorry to hear about the pain that you are going through... I know that that is the same kind of pain that I have caused my husband. *sigh*
This internet can be a very dangerous thing... the chat rooms and such can be very addictive. If you have any desire to try to save your marriage, I agree that you need to stop paying the cell phone bill, and cut off the internet. You might even want to not have a house phone any longer, but maybe just a cell phone for your personal use that you keep with you. This may or may not help him come to his senses, but at least that way you would not be paying for his A's.
Or else, Plan B is distancing yourself from him, from what I understand. I know that that must sound the scary. If you are able to support 5 of you, though, you should be able to support 4 of you easily without the added expenses of the internet and his cell phone, etc. He needs a jolt. He needs to wake up. The addiction to the internet is like being in a trance... I can testify to that.
I may have missed it... but did you say why it is that he's not working?
God bless,
SMH

MAND,

I AM SURE YOU ARE FEELING SO SCARED RIGHT NOW, LIKE YOU ARE LIVING A LIE, AND WHO IS THIS PERSON THAT YOUR HUSBAND HAS TURNED INTO?

HE IS AN ADDICT, HE'S ADDICTED. HE NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP AND SO DO YOU. START COUNSELING RIGHT AWAY, SEEK A LAWYER. IF YOU CUT OFF THE PHONE ETC IT MIGHT NOT BE A GOOD THING TO DO. SOMEHOW A LAWYER CAN ADVISE YOU AND YOU CAN USE IT AS EVIDENCE IF YOU EVER DECIDE TO DIVORCE.

SUCH A TERRIBLE THING WHEN SOMEONE STEPS OUT ON YOU AND HE'S ASKING YOU AND THE CHILDREN TO WATCH A VIDEO? SOUNDS LIKE HE'S OFF HIS ROCKER BIG TIME.

BUT PLEASE GET HELP FROM A LAWYER AND A COUNSELOR FOR YOURSELF (AND MAYBE THE KIDS). LOG EVERYTHING THAT HE DOES. SURE, HE'S GOING TO BE GONE COME AUGUST? THEN IT'S A PERFECT TIME TO GET A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST HIM SO HE CAN'T COME BACK. YOU MIGHT HAVE SOME CO-DEPENDENCY ISSUES GOING ON AND I HOPE YOU GET SOME HELP RIGHT AWAY.

GOD BLESS YOU AND BEST REGARDS. KEEP US POSTED. HANG IN THERE AND READ, READ, READ...YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

First of all I want to thank all of you for your kind and supportive words.The past few days have been hell.I've had to find a way to save our home because we got behind on payment.But I did it.He did nothing but take naps and "B" at me because I didn't call him when I said I would.I'm trying so hard to keep our head above water and all he's concerned about is getting his cell phone connected.I came up with enough money to get us caught up on all the utility bills also(I borrowed money from my dad).It took alot for me to ask my dad because I know how he feels about my H,and my dad doesn't want to help him.But my H attitude is he doesn't care.He doesn't care about anything except what he wants for himself.It's like he doesn't want things better for us.I've been trying to figure out why or how could this happen but within the past two years since his first "A".He's become a different person.As our 16 year old daughter discribes him "dads a player mom".That's comming form his own daughter.I look at my family and I'm so sad that this is what he's made it to be and continues the same behavior eventhough he knows it's wrong.I've tried everything.We did go to one session of marriage counceling and made an appointment for our 2nd but he flew off to OH 4 days earlier then planned.If I did something wrong or if I was a "bad"wife,friend,lover etc.I could probably make some sence of all this but he has no excuse.I've picked through myself trying to find something "wrong with me" that could be causing this to happen,I even asked him "what did I do" and what doesn't he get out of our marriage.It took him about 5 minutes before he answered then he simply said "you give me everything","it's not you".For some reason that didn't help me.I guess because it didn't give me the answer to what was wrong and why he's being the way he is.I've lost hope.There's nothing I can do anymore for us.As much as it hurts me I seriously thinking of divorce now.Within my heart I don't want it but my children are so sad and I have to think of their well being more so now.I wish this wasn't happening and I wish he wouldn't do what he does.The internet has become his scape goat and the chat room he's in is his priority, to make sure it's running right all the time.This is where he meets other women and they eventually call my house.Two years of this is too long and so now I have a desision to make.My hearts broken and I've never felt pain like this before but I also have been with him for 20+ years.I wish this wasn't happening.The other day when he told me he wanted a separation April-August.He also told me I've changed for the better (in his eyes) but I'm a day late and a dollar short.What does that mean.I haven't changed at all except I take care of everything in the house right down to fixing the leak under the kitchen sink because he doesn't do anything and I mean nothing but chat and take naps all day.Well sorry for going on and on.Thank you again for taking your time to write back to me I need all the support I can get right now all I can think about is my kids and that hurts.God bless

First of all I want to thank all of you for your kind and supportive words.The past few days have been hell.I've had to find a way to save our home because we got behind on payment.But I did it.He did nothing but take naps and "B" at me because I didn't call him when I said I would.I'm trying so hard to keep our head above water and all he's concerned about is getting his cell phone connected.I came up with enough money to get us caught up on all the utility bills also(I borrowed money from my dad).It took alot for me to ask my dad because I know how he feels about my H,and my dad doesn't want to help him.But my H attitude is he doesn't care.He doesn't care about anything except what he wants for himself.It's like he doesn't want things better for us.I've been trying to figure out why or how could this happen but within the past two years since his first "A".He's become a different person.As our 16 year old daughter discribes him "dads a player mom".That's comming form his own daughter.I look at my family and I'm so sad that this is what he's made it to be and continues the same behavior eventhough he knows it's wrong.I've tried everything.We did go to one session of marriage counceling and made an appointment for our 2nd but he flew off to OH 4 days earlier then planned.If I did something wrong or if I was a "bad"wife,friend,lover etc.I could probably make some sence of all this but he has no excuse.I've picked through myself trying to find something "wrong with me" that could be causing this to happen,I even asked him "what did I do" and what doesn't he get out of our marriage.It took him about 5 minutes before he answered then he simply said "you give me everything","it's not you".For some reason that didn't help me.I guess because it didn't give me the answer to what was wrong and why he's being the way he is.I've lost hope.There's nothing I can do anymore for us.As much as it hurts me I seriously thinking of divorce now.Within my heart I don't want it but my children are so sad and I have to think of their well being more so now.I wish this wasn't happening and I wish he wouldn't do what he does.The internet has become his scape goat and the chat room he's in is his priority, to make sure it's running right all the time.This is where he meets other women and they eventually call my house.Two years of this is too long and so now I have a desision to make.My hearts broken and I've never felt pain like this before but I also have been with him for 20+ years.I wish this wasn't happening.The other day when he told me he wanted a separation April-August.He also told me I've changed for the better (in his eyes) but I'm a day late and a dollar short.What does that mean.I haven't changed at all except I take care of everything in the house right down to fixing the leak under the kitchen sink because he doesn't do anything and I mean nothing but chat and take naps all day.Well sorry for going on and on.Thank you again for taking your time to write back to me I need all the support I can get right now all I can think about is my kids and that hurts.God bless <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Your H is not living in reality at all. Sometimes I truly hate internet chat rooms, they cause so much pain and anguish.

I wish I had some constructive advice for you... all that comes to mind for me is boot the mean @$$ bum. He is doing zero to help you out and is causing extreme stress. The amount of disrespect he is showing you and your daughters is insane! How could he even think living like that is normal? AND he's acting like he's some prize catch that you lost your chances with??? How many women would be attracted to his behaviour? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I'm sorry but the way he's treating you ticks me off...

Well something is definatly going on.He's acting really weired again,very distant.His cell phone rang last night,he asked me who it was but not to answer it if it said "V" or "PT".I simply asked him "who's V" he got upset and said he wasn't going to tell me because it wasn't any of my buisness and I'm just feeling insicure.When he calls them he says "Hi honey".When he calls me I get a "Hey what ya doin".I'm not kidding.I don't understand.We sleep in separate rooms but we still are intimate.Afterwards I just go to bed.I don't know how to approch him with my suspisions or to get some truth from him.This is so hard I'm still being his wife and doing everything I'm used to doing but he's not my husband anymore.I've lost the man I fell in love with and I don't know why.Some times we're so loving with each other it's like he's back but then the next day he's distant again,and the tone in his voice isn't loving anymore.I don't know what to say to him.I feel so uncomfortable in my own home it's not even funny.I'm lost.Maybe I'm giving him too much attention.Irrigaurdless of what he's done I still continue to treat him the way I want to be treated.Is that wrong???I'm still taking care of him and everything else.I'm having trouble beleiving that he could treat me this way.Thank you for your time...Mand

Why did you pay his cell bill? Why is the internet still connected?

If you're having to ask your dad for help, you can't afford these.

Mand I am sorry for what you are going through, it is truly a painful thing. But what next? There are no SUSPICIONS..he is CHEATING AGAIN. What are you expecting to happen this time? What are you doing differently this time so that it won't happen continue. I think in this case you need PLAN B. Your husband is about HIM not anyone or anything else. I think you need a dose of self-esteem also because it sounds like he has sapped it all out of you. If he leaves you aren't losing a PROVIDER or someone who has your best interest at heart. So I ask why is he still in your house?

Hello Mand - my heart goes out to you - I have to agree with findingmyway back - this man is a taker - pure and simple - he does not respect you or your marriage. If he still says he's leaving in April I would make it clear to him he is not welcomed back until he makes a commitment to help the family - go into mc - get a job - help around the house - put the computer in an area open to all and not be secretive about who he is talking too. It sounds like you are giving him 100% - he is giving 0%. You need to put yourself first - for yourself and your children. You need to show your children that you deserve to be treated better than your husband is, that his behaviour is very immature - and not the way adults should live their life.

Why does he not have a job?

Thank you for all your help and all of you are so right.I'm seeing alot more now than I ever have.To tell you the truth I don't know why he hasn't worked.I have the same back problems as he does.He's definatly taking alot for granted and then some.Last night we talked somewhat.He wants to find a job asap and then he's moving out.Go figure.He'll work to take care of himself and no one else.He told me to not worry about him and just to take care of myself and our daughters.I see him maybe three hours a day if that and he thinks I'm smothering him.Again he told me that it was too late.What's disheartening is that he's still telling me the same things I heard a year ago.He hasn't changed for the better at all.How blind I've been.Maybe I was too hopefull that we could survive but I was wrong.He doesn't care if I file for a divorce.He wants a separation and I asked him when would we see each other and he said maybe twice a month.What gets me is he's telling me all this but he still wants all the french benifits.He's definatly into himself and himself only,not once did he mention our children and what roll he would be playing when he leaves.He just told me to take care of myself and the girls(3)-16,11,9 years old.He even expected me to stay in his room last night and massage his back and shoulders.The only time in the past when he's acted like this is when he feels secure that he has someone else in the wings.He said he doesn't.He told me he wasn't looking for anyone but in reality he doesn't have too because they are all there in his chat room.They "PM" him all the time.He also said there's lots of women interested in him,he said," would I pursue any of them?""I don't know".He said he could sleep with another woman and wake up the next morning and it wouldn't even fase him.He said he's trying to figure out why he feels that way.From our conversations we have had he's always mentioned how nice it was when me and the girls wern't there right down to how the house smelt and how he didn't have to worry about anything.He told me he regrets letting me back in.There's no appriciation for taking care and supporting him since I came back 2 years ago.I've acted like myself-supportive,loving,understanding,trusting just to name a few.Afterall isn't that what a "wife"is supposed to be.It's been very hard for me to treat him any other way.Wrong again.I think the only alternative I have at this point is to file for a divorce.As much as I wish things could be different,I realized last night that nothings going to change and I told him that within the past two years nothings changed with him to help our situation or relationship.He's still thinking the same way.Then he said "is it finally sinking in".I don't understand why or how he can be so cruel.I haven't done anything but love him and take care of our children and him.He's been my life for 20+ years and I've been totally devoted to our relationship.Anyway thank you again

Mand, I've asked this question twice - I have a hunch I know the answer, but I'd like to hear it from you:

Why are you still paying his cell phone bill and paying for internet connection?

I'll be you anything he plans to lay claim to the computer when he leaves...

I haven't paid his cell bill,he changes service and gives them a story it's like he has a different cell phone every time I turn around I'm not paying it so he has to be doing something.The cable bill is through comcast which I just found out also has his internet connection which is in his name.I used to just write the check and never look at the bills to read the services but last week I paid more attention.He even called the phone company and got long distance minutes which I noticed on my last bill,I canceled that right away.Like I said I'm learning alot especially how coniving and munipulative he can be.Hs "bses" everyone including me but I'm trying to get all the bills in my name or his off so I'll have more control.I'm trying to get a grip and prepared for the enevitable.

When money was tight for me a few years ago, I disconnected cable. Went without television for five years. No big loss. We watched the occasional video for family entertainment. Our son adapted. Can you do that too?

Another idea - since you're the one paying the bill, you could notify the phone company that any changes to the bill will not be paid, so they may not change the bill without your explicit permission.

I did that on our internet connection with my husband's penchant to go porn surfing sometimes. I told him if I caught him or found the cache cleared, I'd be taking the DSL modem with me. But I knew that he could still connect directly through the 56 speed modem. So I let the ISP know that they were not to reveal the sign-on password to anyone but me and I was the only one authorized to change it. I flat-out refused to have porn in the house and this was how I took control. You can set up the same safeguards with your phone provider and other providers. You may want to alert the big cell phone providers that you will not be held responsible for any cell phone contracts. I know - parental, lovebuster, etc. We're talking about preserving the last shreds of your credit and financial stability here.