So much for the new me… Since last night I was feeling really uneasy, she came back from OP’s a little after midnight- I know that she was confident because after all we had a great weekend together as a family… no LB’s, everything seemed to start working fine.<P>Then today I blew it all, we had a few arguments about work in the office and then when she was leaving I walked her to her car & I apologize for having been like I was, explained that I was really down today- I know it’s stupid but a few weeks ago after a conference a friend couldn’t go with the gang for a drink because he was taking his wife out to dinner to celebrate their “Month-Anniversary” of the day when they met (and they’ve been married for almost 13 years!!!), then I thought that W & I should start doing things together again and marked month-anniversaries in my schedule book, but it was too late, by then her affair had already commenced but I didn’t know yet- well today is our wedding’s Month-Anniversary… "month-anniversary" since we met and then we'd have "month-anniversaries" of our two weddings (one in NY & one in Mexico). Three opportunities each month to be totally hers and she totally mine that we wasted for years.<P>By her car I became nasty again, she really had to go to check on this guy who we had just sent to fix the A/C at her mother’s condo (she’ll be here next month) so she told me “I can’t have him waiting, it’s rude”. “Right” —I answered— “don’t be rude”, slammed the door and walked away. Then I stopped and ran back to the car and opened the door, she was crying and couldn’t stop, I hugged her, apologized, she apologized too and said something like “Why can’t I be happy? Why do I have to change so the others can be happy?”. All this in parking lot at the building where we have our office- the building’s manager walked by and made a comment when he saws embracing… something like “that’s romantic” or something like that, I think that then he realized something was wrong & walked to his car & left. I asked to forgive me and promised (for the 1000th time that I was going to get off her hair so she can make her decision without rush. She asked if it would be easier if she left, I answered “I don’t know, I don’t think so”. We said so many things and didn’t say so many more…<P>Later I sent her an e-mail and an e-card. This is what I said in writing:<P>THE E-MAIL:<P>You left a few minutes ago, still crying? I would be if (salesperson) were not here. I am really sorry I hurt you, you have enough things in your mind and still having to deal with this jealous mid-age and currently broke guy. It’s just that some days –and nights- I can’t deal with the situation. If love is not enough to solve things together like we used to solve them, then what is enough? <P>Yes, probably the easiest would be just let you walk away from us and I would had answer “yes” to your question if you were really sure of what you want or even sure that you love her, but if you’d walk away to wonder around looking for what C…… really means I would worry too (I know- it sounds selfish… “So I don’t walk away because if I do Alex would be worried”). <P>Then, you may end up loving her because you are looking for that love, you are pursuing her love, conquering her, taking your old pictures to her like you used to take them to me and she’s probably doing the same… love is about action and it’s a personal decision, and it seems to me that you are preparing the grounds for love to be there when the passion slows down and things start to be “normal”, to get used to the way the other person folds or doesn’t fold clothes, the way that person squeezes the toothbrush and drops the towel on the floor or hangs it after using it, the way the person eats, etc…. all things that look fine in the midst of passion and some things that can't take when the passion fades. <P>The “real” life… like “why do I have to give up so the others can be happy?” or “why can’t the others be unhappy so I can have things my way?” just a thought… I could erase it but I need you (& you know I still do) to help me understand if trying to hold you is just me been selfish or true love… I don’t even want to hold you against your will, just want you to be happy & just wish you knew where your future happiness really is, if you really did I would do my best to get you there. <P>It’s a long note and I am sorry. I know I feel like a dumped rag or an idiot without a real life just waiting for you at night and staring at you the few hours I see you, longing for the C…. I married and dreaming that the smile in your face is because of me. <P>Do what you have to do when you have to do it, just be sure about it. I love you, baby (can I still call you this?), and I am sorry I blew it today. Take your time, one day or one year, whatever it takes. I promise to stay out of your way when I feel down so you don’t have to put up with it. I am really trying to change but it takes time. Change to be a good friend, to be a good parent, to be a better human being (and even to be a good lover, although until now is all pure Internet theory).<P>I love you & I miss you, and I am here for you (even when I am down), for anything that I can help with. <P>Alex<P><BR>THE E-CARD:<P>Don't know what to say or what to do. Not anymore. <P>I love you & really treasure these past 15 years together, and treasure every day that you are still here. <P>You gave me so many things that even now, I know that you are the best person that ever crossed my road. <P>Sorry I messed things up. I really am. <P>Please don’t take this on you and please do not feel pushed away. Take your time. All the time you need. <P>I love you, my friend, my always-beloved best friend. <P>Alex <P><BR>We spoke later, she sounds better, and I feel better. But to make things worst we’re are totally broke & X-Mas is in 3 days!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

I don't think you "blew it". It is so hard to keep your emotions from blowing up...I know! Yes, you reacted in a way that was not the best, but there is a next time, and you can react better when that time rolls around. It's obvious that you are really trying. I hope everything turns out great for you and your family for the Holidays and beyond!

Alex...<P>I don't think you blew it either. Your emotions got the best of you, but you showed remorse to your W by writing those letters. Those letters were very touching. I hope that after your W reads them, she will realize that your marriage can still work out....that there is still hope for a bright future together.<P>

Still feeling down.<P>More opinions, anyone?<P>Alex

Alex,<P>The idea of avoiding all lovebusters is a great idea. Unfortunetly, I think everybody here has done them at one point or another. In the emotional stae that we are I think that it would be virtually impossible not to.<P>The key is not to lovebust everytime we see our spouse. That would surely drive them away. I think your appology and followup email were the right thing to do.<P>Hang in there and don't beat yourself up. Keep working on you and eventually you will be able to stop love busting<P>God Bless<P>Bob