I am sorry I am all over the place. But if I am not nobody talks to me.
I got a call from my husband this morning. Yesterday he tried to reach our daughter but she didn't hear her call phone and didn't answer. He wanted to know if everything was Ok. I said yes, He said, OK then, bye. I said, hold on a moment, let's talk. He said, we will talk in 2-3 weeks, not now. I kept on insisting. He said, stop dictating. You are dictating to everybody what to do. This is probably his reaction to my call to his OW! I didn't dictate to her what to do, she was the one to say - I will end it with him. Most probably she interpreted our conversation her own way. I said, Look, I have chemo on Friday. He said, I know. He was very irritated at me.
I think our marriage is over. He doesn't want to even talk to me. In 2-3 weeks he will tell me he wants to end it.
Please, I need help and support. I don't unerstand what is going on!

<small>[ February 07, 2004, 10:04 AM: Message edited by: Kamara ]</small>

Pay no attention to him. Of course he doesn't want to talk. He is blaming you to justify his awful behavior.

Mine used to come in the morning, 5 minutes before I had to go to work. I would end up in tears on the way to work. He always said he wanted to get back together, but never came around when there was time to talk. In the evening/weekends he was too busy with OW.

Ignore his behavior. It is typical. When we are hurting so bad, they think they can dictate the whole scene. He will get over this, but it may be awhile.

So how often do you have the chemo? Where are you staying? I'm thinking of you from California.

Kamara, this is a terrible time for you to not be able to have the support of your H. To have to deal with chemo and the marriage problems at the same time is so much. You are a very strong person. and remember you do have God to lean on too.

someone else posted:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hang in there.

Yes, I am in CA. I have chemo every 3 weeks.
Is it a good sign that he called at all? If he is so mad why is he calling? To make sure I am still alive?
I am staying with my Mom. I have very little privacy so she was there when I got his call. She asked me who that was. I said, well, you don't know. I went to the bathroom to talk to him. she is worrying about me - she sees something is terribly wrong - i don't eat, don't sleep and don't talk to her. If he doesn't call me after my chemo on Friday, or if I don't call him she will get suspicious. I thin it is too early to let her know what is going on. I want to call him and tell him - Please allow me to call you on Friday after my chemo just to pretend everything is fine. Oh should I leave him alone?

I'm in CA too, Oceanside. Where are you? I might have to come hold your hand. You need to tell your mom what is going on. You need the support.

Your H is acting like the typical WH. I'm sure he feels guilty and he should. What a time to pull this crap.

Stay and finish chemo. Does it make you sick? There is no use in going back to him. They all go through the same cycle and you might as well talk to the wall.

Hang in there, I promise things will get better.

Oceanside is in Southern CA, I am in San Francisco. Unfortunately you are far away from me!
Yes, chemo makes me sick. I have 1 chemo every 3 weeks, then I am sick for a week and then more or less back to normal. Now I am in my normal stage and tomorrow I plan to go to SF Ballet. But I really don't feel like going anywhere now! I doubt I will enjoy it!
I don't want to tell my mom. She is old and if we ever get back together she will have bad feelings for him. Now she adores him. I tell her that I am not feeling well and that is the truth!
It is hard for me to believe right now that things will ever get better! How will they get better?

Kamara,

You are welcome to come to SFBayAreaMBer VI. You will get excelent support ... please email **edit** (orchid).

-rh-

<small>[ February 07, 2004, 09:22 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

There are lots of MBer's in San Francisco. See redhat's post.

I still think you need to take care of yourself and tell your mom. There is no sense in protecting him, while you are going through this. And when things get better, you can let her know you have forgiven him.

Things will get better. Your H is acting like they all do. As you read here, you will get the hang of it. I can almost predict what my H is going to say before he says it.

Another terrible morning for me! I read Surving an affair yesterday. This sent me to depression. So it takes years to recover from all this! And many families never recover from infidelity. In my present situation years of disaster and stress will definitely kill me. I need love and support to be able to fight my disease.
believer, how can you predict what your husband will do next? I thought all the situations are different. I wish I knew what mine will do next. Can anybody tell me this? He said yesterday, that we would not talk for 2-3 weeks. And then what? He will call me and tell me that he wants to stay with her and suggests that I stay where I am now and don’t go back to him? I just want to get ready for what can happen. If he says he wants to be with me, should I expect that he will continue with his OW? Or should I believe him that it is over? And how can I determine which kind of affair he is having? Maybe if I didn’t interfere with it, it would die its natural death within the next 6 months?
Can anybody answer my questions?

redhat:
Thank you for the invitation. How can I get more information about that? I am now not in the mood for the comedy but I do need support!

Kamara...

You need to realize a couple of things in order to move on. You cannot control what your WH does. You need to realize that most of what he says or does while in the FOG is meaningless, because it's not coming from the man you think you knew. Any interaction he has with you that is negative in any way, gives his FOGGY brain additional excuses to justify to himself that the A is where he needs to be.

Plan A is designed to make you and your marriage the better choice. It takes time, no doubt, and focus and concentration. So does the medical battle you are going through. Our hearts go out to you in this dual battle. But do not give up.

Believer and Finally Learning are giving you great advice. You should definately have a heart to heart talk with your mother, and open your heart to her. You should do this now.

You seem to be looking for a quick fix. You marriage did not disolve to the status where the A took place overnight, neither will the ending of the A and the healing take place overnight. Prepare yourself for the long haul.

Congratulations for reading SAA. You must understand this is a philosophy that must be exercised with a passion to save your marriage. It takes strength and courage and dedication. Apply it one brick at at time, and with the passing of time you will have constructed a foundation for a marriage much stronger than you had before.

For your own sanity, try to stop reacting to every little encounter you have with WH, and think of all that happens while he is in the fog, as a play you are watching. Until he begins to emerge from the fog, you will not fully connect with him about anything. Work your butt off on exercising Plan A, and make YOU the best choice for him. Set your time table and when the time is up, re-evaluate your options.


Good luck...

Kamara,

email orchid ... she is my MB sister ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . She will help you out. There are others also could help you but Orchid is usually available and if she is not she will refers you to others.

Also there is Dv care & Relationship support group for people that having a R problem atChurch of the Higlands. every Tuesday night from 7-9PM.

Hang in there ... -rh-

Kamara
You will have to get the support that you need to heal from other people, not WH. It is sad and not fair, but he is in the fog.
My dad is suffering from prostate cancer that has spread to his spine and leg. It is so awful for me to face this alone, so I know a tiny bit of how terrible it must be for you.
When my H's mom was sick, we spent every weekend with her for 18 months. I worked during the week, took care of 4 kids and went to see her on the weekend. I even neglected doing things with my family and kids to support my H. Now when I need his support so desperately, he is out wining and dining OW.
My dad knows of affair and keeps telling me that my H must be feeling awful. My dad is so kind when talking about WH that it makes me want to GAG. At least I can appreciate who is the better man.

Hi Kamara,
I'm in the bay area too. I think it might be good for you to come out with us next weekend, even if you don't want to go see comedy, maybe just come to dinner. I know in my case it helped to meet people "real" people who have been through it. Orchid has become sort of the unnoficial "keeper of the e-mail addresses". If you send her an e-mail she can give you my address. I'm so glad I met my bay area buds. Just having them there has been an encredible support and I think you need that.

I believe redhat has given you orchid's address and the link to the bay area get together thread.

I hope to talk with you soon.

Kamara,

I can't imagine being in your situation with the dual crises, but my heart and prayers go out to you. I don't have any advice...I'm here getting advice myself on my own posts. But what I will tell you is that I think about the same things you do (Will it ever get better? Is my marriage over?), and my WS is doing the same thing that yours and the others do. Knowing that doesn't make my pain go away, but it at least lets me know I'm not alone. Neither are you.

Hang in there.

LL

Thanks for your support. I went to the ballet today. It was great. I didn't want to go but it had been planned long before. I am glad I went there with my mom and daughter.
Lordslady, i tried to find your postings but didn't. I wanted to read your story. Maybe it is on the other board?
Believer, I am so sorry about your dad. I wonder why they betray us in the worst possible moments when there is enough pain without their betrayal!
I will email orchid. Next weekend I will be after chemo, so I doubt i will be able to go out. But later on I think yes I will be happy to meet people.
I also think of seing a psychic. Does anyone know any good one who either does telephone reading or lives in the Bay Area?

Kamara -
Hang in there. You will have good support up there in the Bay area.

My H came back tonight and we had a huge fight. He thinks I should just forgive him and let him move back in. He was with OW 3 days ago. But he says he wants to work on marriage again.

I told him I can't trust him, and he got very angry. So there will be lots of ups and downs for you. But things will get better.

Are they getting better for you, believer?
Do they all go back and forth? I really don't want to be part of this loop!

Oh my goodness!
My situation is much worse than I thought it would be.
Our daughter called my husband because he called her a couple of days ago and she missed his call. He said that he called her to ask her how I was. She was surprised and asked him why he didn’t call her. He said because we had had a fight. I was shocked! I didn’t say a word to her or my mom. My mom heard this conversation and asked me if everything was OK between my husband and me. I said we had had a fight. Our daughter insisted that I should tell her what happpened. I called him to ask him if he wanted me to tell the family what had happened between us. He said it was up to me. I said, look, it will be very traumatic for our daughter and if he thought that we would have to tell her sooner or later anyway. He said, probably. He said he though I had told her. If he was considering staying with me he wouldn't want me to tell out daughter!
We talked for a while, I told him that I was very emotional on the first day and said to him that I was sorry that I had called his mistress. He said that he was not going to discuss anything with me now, that he was still emotional, that we will talk in 2-3 weeks when we both will cool down and will decide what to do, that he looks upon all this philosophically – what has been done, cannot be undone.
I told him that I was hurting a lot, he said he was hurting too and he apologized to me for what he had done to me and even called my a name that he usud to call. But I think it was out of habit not because he felt any affection for me.
i asked him if he had any feelings fo rme, he said again that he was not going to discuss it now.
He is seriously considering a divorce. I am devastated. I should probably be ready to hear that he doesn’t want to be with me any more.
Please tell me what you think.
-------------
Oh, I forgot to say this. I asked him to call me after I have chemo on Friday because I don't want to tell my mom so far and it would be strange if he didn't call. he said, OK, if I am near the phone at that time. Then he said that he would definitely call over the weekend.
I will not survive in all this. I want him back, I really do!

<small>[ February 09, 2004, 12:33 AM: Message edited by: Kamara ]</small>

Dear Kamara,

I received your e-mail and replied. There is good support out here in the northern CA area. However your issues are probably never resting. Along with your H's lack of care and concer this is not helping you stay focused on your health. By the way, your imagination is also contributing to your depression.

Now you realize you can't control your H's hurtful behavior to you and your family. Your need to protect them is not healthy for you or them. Yet you ache on telling them.

Here's what I did, when I let family and friends know, I gave only some info and different levels to different persons depending on their abilities and situation. I certainly found it easier to post my thoughts here on MB since many understood. So when I informed others, I 1st said that there is something serious happening to my family and asked for their support. After they said yes, then I said what I am about to say is quite hard and hurtful but not against them.....however I need to know that before I went further that I would listen to what they had to say on the matter but I needed them to respect my decisions. When I got that agreed, then I told what I felt I needed to say.

That really helped. I know each had their own opinion and I could not control that, but they at least in front of me, respected my decision. I don't think all agreed but they all respected my decision and that was enough for me both then and now.

Also I realized I could not control the Ws' actions, but I could control my own. So after a few months of shock, I learned to stop taking his hurt. Instead I worked on improving myself, gave his pain back to him and concenctrated hard on my family, work and myself.

I learned to pray for patience, a clear mind and a calm heart. it was important to improve my health as much as possible.

Communicating with the WS was hard. I learned that e-mails were easier and had less emotion. Posting also helped relieve some of the tension and frustration built up. Keeping a journal, reading and posting here helped keep my imagination from getting the best of me . Depression is quite common among the BS. The sooner your mind and heart get in sync, the sooner you will begin your personal recovery to healing your soul.

You have my #. Call when you need to,.

take care,
L.