I am in the military and was deloyed to Afghanistan for a year. The day I returned my wife told me she wanted a divorce. She said I abandoned her and she did not want be married.

We have carried on a pretend marriage for 6 months and things have finally come to a head. I have asked her 3 times if there was another man. She said no the first time and since has just refused to answer. I think she is having an affair with one of her former co-workers; a married man with a child.

Things between us have been getting a little better, but then last week (after I had been away on duty for 2 weeks) she said again that she wants a divorce. She seems very torn and will not share much intimacy with me. She has also been wearing a birth control patch since before I returned. Says its to maintain a hormone balance. I don't believe her. I saw a piece of paper she had written on saying she was writing with a pen given to her by a man she is passionately involved with - that ain't me. She says she just has really good male friends that she has fun with. She says she still loves me, buy wants me to move to another place so that we can date and rebuild the relationship. I don't see how that will make things better. I know she is torn, but she will not admit an affair. How do I deal with this?? I am supposed to move to a different military post in 3 months - she says her support group is where we live now and that she is not ready to leave yet. I need help sorting this out and what I should do.

My wife says she wants me to move out and live somewhere else. Then we can see each other and try to rebuild the trust. She also says she cannot see things ever getting better between us.

The fact that we have had much difficulty having a child (she was consumed by that desire and now has no desire for a child) and the fact that my parents (her inlaws) have had a terrible and painful relationship with her give her no hope for a better future or kids.

I don't know if I should keep trying Plan A or go right to Plan B. We talk alot about the relationship and do not argue or fight - we actually talk, but it has only been a week and things don't seem to be getting better. I guess I need more patience - not sure. I want to go to a marriage counselor, but she says she has seen enough counselors (for other reasons) and they will not help. Can anyone offer any help?

I'm sorry you have to be here, but I believe you can get some help in this forum.

1. Read, read, read. Read the basic concepts section off the front page of the site. It will help you understand some things you will need to know to start working on your Marriage.

2. Don't LB, Usually we get angry when people do such bad things to us. It is much easier to have her like you, and reconcile with you if you avoid LB's. (Love busters - again, read the concepts.)

3. After you get a basic knowledge, get the books Surving An Affair, and His needs, Her Needs and read them.

4. Ask specific questions after you have some background. We can't tell you if your marriage will survive, but we can help with some parts of your attempt to make it work. Remember that sometimes it' slow, don't be alamred if you don't get quick responses to questions. We all work, and deal with our families too, and we come around when we can.

5. If there is any way at all, call the Harleys for phone counseling. They are good at what they do. If you don't believe you can do that, get local counseling for yourself. It will help get to the bottom of why this happened and help to recover from it.

6. There is hope. I suspect most of your problem is that you were gone, and she let someone else meet her needs. If you can avoid Love Busters (LB's) and begin to meet her needs you may have a good chance at a happy life with her, but it will not be easy, and it will take time.

Let us know how you are doing, we care.

SS

Howdy, I have a few thoughts from a very inexperienced person.

Read the materials on this site and the SAA book by Harley. Really good stuff.

The move out business is a scam to allow her to continue the affair. My WW moved out supposedly to figure out what she wanted. But, the reality is that is makes seeing the OM a lot easier and that is exactly what she did and is doing. I would not move out, though there is no way of preventing her from moving out.

Interesting reply about my moving out. On Sunday afternoon (while my wife was out) I went looking for an apartment. The second place I went I met an older fellow who asked me where I lived now and why I was moving. I told him things were not very good at home and I needed to find another place to live. His response - "Son, you need to go home and work thru this thing, not move away from it". He had been married before and was now divorced. He shared his experience and the mistakes he made during the conflict. He regrets it all. I found this website after talking to him. I guess with age comes wisdom.

I have been married almost 13 years and am still learning the basics. I have decided not to move out. I also talked very candidly with my boss about what's going on. He too divorced his first wife and is trying to help me get my current duty assignment extended for 2 years. He told me to stay at home and work it. He said no matter the outcome - staying here will provide the time to work on my marriage or to end it in a less painful manner (not from a different state).

Lat night was a decent night with my wife. We have been cooking dinner together, having a glass of wine and discussing a few of our issues. Right now I am the only one who is being deeply honest (because I have been torn down emotionally to the point where I have nothing left).

Last night I kissed my wife very passionately and told her I loved her. She started to cry and said she felt like I was pushing myself on her. That's how I think I know she is having an affair. Right now she is getting that from someone else, and getting it from me causes her pain - she must feel torn.

I told her that I suspect there is someone else, and she immediately wanted to know what made me think it. She wanted to know if I was having her followed - and if so - it would all be OVER.

She is currently trying to get a job (career change) as a pharm sales rep. I know she has a friend (former male co-worker) who is now a pharm sales rep. I think he is the other man. I don't know anything about him other than he is married and has a child. She has gotten a cell phone and talks with him often, once while I was in the room. The conversation made me feel uncomfortable because it's the kind of conversations we used to have. She acted as if I was not even in the room. I cannot find any of her cell phone bills anywhere. We have a very thorough file system for bills, but her cell phone bills are not there. I think it's a cover-up, and this guy is the other man. How can I find out more? Should I find out more? Should I try to confront him? Very confused and in unfamiliar territory.

Apache03-
Welcome to marriage builders. I am glad that you found this site. It can help you save your marriage.

Thanks for serving and protecting your country. Unfortunately we have several members whose lives have been disrupted by the stress that war and separation cause.

I strongly suspect that you are right about the other man. Your wife is a classic case of being in the fog, as we call it. Her not being affectionate with you, wanting to do the same job that he is in, wanting to live separately, talking to him on phone, etc. are the signs.

Please follow the marriage builders program. Don't move out. Stay in Plan A. Come here for support. Since you can still talk calmly to her, I have a lot of hope that you can turn this around.

Apache03
Welcome to marriagebuilders. I am glad you found this place. You can use this program to save your marriage.

Thanks for serving and protecting your country. Unfortunately we have several members whose marriage is in trouble because of the stress of war and separation.

I stongly suspect that she is seeing the man you think is the one. The signs are there - her not being affectionate, crying, wanting to do same job he does, phone calls, etc. are classic symptoms of being in the fog, as we call it.

Please start in Plan A, don't move out, and come here for support. We will help you through this.

I need some help with this one. I know the name of the man I suspect and where he lives. Should I confront my wife with the details of what I suspect? Should I confront the man or even his wife? I'm sure she doesn't know. He has a child also. It could destroy his family as well. It could also destroy his career since my wife has been trying to get a job with his company in this area - even on his pharm sales team. She had an interview with his boss, but did not get an offer. I think that may be because he didn't want her that close.??? I really want to confront him - not to fight, but just to let him know that I know. Any advice???

I need some help with this one. I know the name of the man I suspect and where he lives. Should I confront my wife with the details of what I suspect? Should I confront the man or even his wife? I'm sure she doesn't know. He has a child also. It could destroy his family as well. It could also destroy his career since my wife has been trying to get a job with his company in this area - even on his pharm sales team. She had an interview with his boss, but did not get an offer. I think that may be because he didn't want her that close.??? I really want to confront him - not to fight, but just to let him know that I know. Any advice???

apache03

You need to start in Plan A. Have you read all about it here? Then if she moves out, you can go to Plan B.

I would not let his wife know until you have definite proof. Also do not confront OM yet. I say this because they will lie, lie, lie. I caught my H with a cell phone that I didn't know he had. He said he told me about it. I asked him if he told me about it, why did bills go to his brother's house, why did I never see it, why didn't I have his number? More denying.

Then I got his charge account bill with 3 motel bills during the day (when he was supposed to be at work). He admitted that he went to motel to break up with OW.

Finally I caught them in bed twice. That ended that set of lies.

So not to get off track here, but you get the picture. Don't accuse her of anything. Just bide your time, and do some investigating. Don't let her and OM know, they will just get sneakier.

apache

You need to do more information gathering. Your gut feeling is not enough at this time.

I suspect you are right. It normally turns out that way with people having similar experiences as yours.

I think the biggest red flag besides her emotions and request for divorce is her anger over the possibility of being followed.

Sounds like fear of being caught so she is going on the offensive hoping to keep you from investigating.

Lots of ways to do detective work without actually following her. Cell phone records, credit card statements and so on give great clues. A voice activated recorder placed strategically say in her car also could confirm what you suspect.

Need Advice. I don't think it will be hard to get proof (details). Since I mentioned my I suspected an affair she is starting to get nervous and messy with what I think are attempts to cover-up.

She is also taking many days off from work that affect her pay in order to agressively persue the pharm sales job. By doing this she is really going to screw up years of financial planning and saving habits. She is also spending lots of money going shopping.

This affair could not only destroy our marriage, but also our bank account. Any attempt I have taken thus far to keep OUR finances (MY concern) has been received as an attempt to get back at her for our current state.

I know her parents do not know/suspect an affair, and I have had very little contact with them about our issues. They have been very supportive of us both (they don't know all the details). I don't think it would be healthy to involve them. She has a great family and this would crush them.

Her Grandfather had many affairs and ultimately divorced her Grandmother. They have been very critical of him - so has she. I think she is feeling the pressure and is scrambling for a quick resolution while in this altered state of reality.

I hate watching her do these things. This is really painful to experience. She is a great person. I'm afriad that when this comes to the ultimate truth she might hurt herself or do something really stupid, like get pregnant by this man.

How to handle the parents - they are getting more and more inquisitive??

How to deal with her possibly hurting herself??

I don't think I can handle a pregnancy.

If you can get rid of the cellphone (could it break?) you can get a phone recorder at Radio Shack. It is not too costly. You plug it into a phone jack in your home (behind some furniture) and it will record all phone conversations.

If you get evidence, you need to shed light on the affair. Tell her parents, the OM's wife, everyone.

As far as pregnancy, if you work quickly, hopefully it won't happen.

If you stick to the MB plan A, she will get her needs met. You can't do anything about her hurting herself, but be a good husband.

I am really working on Plan A, but it is tough to maintain my sanity. The past two days have been much better. On Friday night we went to a really nice restaurant (a place she's been trying to get me to go) and then onto the ballet (another place she really wanted to go). We've had some great conversations (mostly me being more honest and open than ever before). On Saturday night we went to dinner and a concert (she set up both of these events). Had another great time. I also bought her flowers for Valentines Day - something I've done only a few times. She asked me not to get her anything for Valentines Day - but was sort of pleased with the flowers anyway. Again, we've had some really good conversation about very personal things but it was mostly me talking.

One thing I have not been able to find for months was her cell phone bill, but today it came and she left it out when she went out. Of 125 phone calls (dialed and rec'd) she has talked to the man I suspect she is having an affair with - 60+ times. While I was away on duty she called me at 1000 AM and said she wanted a divorce. Looking at the phone records - she talked to him at 0830 (for 25 minutes) before she called me, and she had just gotten home from being out of town with 2 fellow (older and also divorced) co-workers.

I know who the man is, his home and cell phone number and where he lives. Today I bought a miniature (voice activated) recorder and plan on hiding it in her car. By the phone records she talked to him for 15 minutes Friday afternoon on the way home (she was late which caused us to be late for the ballet).

I absolutely do not like having to hide a recorder in her car just to get the truth - but I just know I am right. I can't believe I am snooping on my wife. If I do get undeniable evidence, how do I handle it. To I play it for her first - do I confront him with it (over the phone / in person), do I let his wife know ---WHAT??

It seems like we are making some progress and hitting her in the face with evidence of an affair will set us back. How do I do it? I know it will crush her - she is always so sensitive to what other people think and has seen counselors for years about the very same issue. Her parents will be crushed - how to handle that?? My mother is a very judgemental person who has verbally attacked my wife many time telling her she is not good enough. I know my wife will think this is just sealing the coffin as far as my mother is concerned, but I really don't think my mother has any business in this. She hasn't shown much support so far, why would she cahnge now?

I am looking for alot of input on this one.

If you get the proof, let the other man's wife know. You can do this in stages. Start there. When light is shed on affairs, they often disolve.

Don't tell your mom right now. If she has not been helpful, keep quiet.

You sound like you are doing a great Plan A. Doing things with wife will help.

Keep posting here. We will help you get through this.

Apache

I hope your wrong! But, I have to throw this out to you. Brace yourself ok!? I understand what your going through. When I returned from a deployment 12yrs ago, I felt like I KNEW my wife had had an A. I was sure of it while I was overseas, and I was sure of it when I got home. I had all kinds of little pieces of evidence. I spent 2 months trying to get my wife to confess, and I thought I was ready to hear the worst.

I wasn't ready.

I got so wrapped up in trying to prove it, or get her to admit it, that I completely failed to prepare myself. Don't do that ok?

Again, hopefully your wrong!
Good luck.

M.

Mortimer - the question is - were you right? Was it a gut feeling based on small pieces of evidence? Did she ever admit it? How did you handle it?

Looking back (based on your experience) what should I be doing to prepare myself? I'm pretty sure I have already grieved the loss - I was stuck in the Arizona desert when that happened - couldn't leave - was out there alone with nothing but my thoughts. I just want her to admit it so we can rebiuld our relationship and marraige.

Last night she started asking me questions I thought I would never hear her say. She asked if I thought that men (in general) just can't be with one woman. Sounds like she thinks (or is being told) that all men are that way - either from her divorced friends or the other guy. The divorced friends don't seem like much of a positive influence - they are seeing many men who buy them many things - let them use their beach houses - just set them up; kept women. She says she is trying to expand her boundaries (whatever that means).

She is also challenging her religious beliefs - constantly. I went to church by myself yesterday - about the third time that has ever happened. She just couldn't be there - she said, and the episcopal church is pretty damned accepting/forgiving of human frailty and human behavior.

Response???

The problem is getting proof. I have copies of her last months cell phone bill which shows he calls her at least 3 times a day M-F, and also on the weekends I have been away.

I placed a voice recorder in her car (last night) and will check it tonight. I ate kunch with her today during the time when he nornmally calls, and as soon as I came into the room she turned the phone off. It was still off when I left, so I called her voice mail only to find he'd left a very sweet message about the weather and where his business travels would take him today.

Also, after having sex with her last night (which she stopped saying "what am I doing? - I am so confused" She covered herself up and went to bed. I went to bed also and just held her. When I got up this morning I left her a very honest and loving note. When I talked to her before she left for work, she said "I Love you" for the first time in a very long time. But when I saw her at lunch she was distant.

I will be seeing a counselor next week and she thinks that's a great idea - for me - not her. She says it should be about me being a better person. WHAT A BRUSHOFF, BULL**** pat on the head.

How much proof should I have and when can I let this guys wife in on it?? I want him to feel some pain and I want her to wake the hell up!!!! It's hard being nice - i feel like I am playing the role of a fool.