Yes I am working on that.. making new memories is really a MUST! Anyways aside from the movie.. I'm out of original ideas. Last time I made a nice dinner for him and I. HE really appreciated and even sent an email to tell me from work.. so it was nice..

We're somewhat quiet people in general, but I love to dance, he is too shy to go dancing so when I go he just watch and I dance with friends. When we met most of the time we just talk... talk about everything from world markets to how to stop me from analyzing him all the time. That has always been our strong points. We talk about work and how to make the world a better place.. and we also love to eat.. the first year of our marriage I gained about 30 lbs.. (yes I've lost it and more)..
We were working out together for the first time in a LONG time .... he pick up the habit of working out again.. last month he didn't do anything.. so he asked me to work out with him. So it's cool. I will make it a habit <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But do you have any ideas? Like fun stuff.. so excluding clubs.. where he just watch me dance, restaurants..which we been doing too many times. hehe I'm not imaginative... He is down because of work and all that is been happening.. but if I say to go he will go.

well thanks beleiver <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and Amy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and all that has been helping me and talking to me.. and who still is. I keep you guys in my prayers.

I have no ideas for fun stuff. But you know what H likes to do. Engage him in it. Also try some new things together.

My doctor prescribed me Zoloft. I wasn't sure about taking them either, I didn't want to feel out of it. It took about 2 weeks for the results to kick in and it was so subtle I barely noticed the changes. But I don't break down into a total babbling idiot as often and I am able to somewhat function normally. I really don't feel differently... the med isn't like you feel drunk or anything... making you happy all the time. It just kinda takes the edge off.

I explained to my doctor how I was waking up constantly in the middle of the night. I couldn't breathe, I felt like I had drank about 30 cups of coffee and my heart was going to pound out of my chest. I would just sit and cry for hours and hours... and I would sleep even longer. After I started on the meds.... I felt better.... it kinda takes that edge off.

Go see your doctor and tell him.... there's nothing wrong with seeking help and you will see you won't feel any differently on the meds than you did before you found out about the A. Good Luck.

picnics next to a lake,
long walks in the park,
go to outdoor concerts,
opera
philharmonic concerts
I love watching communiy plays
there are lots of inexpensive ways to go with it so just use the old imagination and the skies the limit...
I can relate to you when you say you want to just hold on to your spouse when they are around but when she is not ,for me is pure agony c ause in my mind all i see is her undressing for and being held by another man in a hotel room ..... i was on serzone at one time and definetly did not like the way it made me feel but I might go back to it cause if i go on much longer I might lose it completely. 2 saturdays ago she told me and monday the 23rd we have a ten year anniversary cruise/ honeymoon we never had and Im sick about going cause in part of my heart I dont wanna go with her ......5 day mexican cruise and i dont wanna go .I have to say at this point her timing sucks the 21st is our 10 year anni. what do you do when celebrating seems to be the last thing on your mind? I did order the books hope they come in real soon though i did manage to find "his needs/her needs for parents" I am trying to get her interested in it but at most she reads a few pages and then goes on about her business
good luck to you
my prayers are with you all especially you beleiver you are one strong woman heres wishing the best for you
cliff

Thanks for the suggestion guys.. I'm taking notes. As far as my deppression, I start to sleep normally now. Maybe I need a little bit more sleep for what I get now. The first two weeks of the affair experience some of the same symptoms as some of you guys. Waking up in the middle of the time.. shortness of breath, and I felt paranoid and lost. I don't have those anymore, I seem to tell my brain to shut down and sleep for gawd's sake, but H is also having problems.. everynight he talks in his sleep and always calling me and end up grabbing me close to him in the middle of the night. IT's like almost EVERYNIGHT now. So my sleep is cut somehow.

I am going to see my doctor my stomach pains, and maybe I'll ask her about taking something to get me to stop my mood swings.

TO everyone that's in the struggle: Keep your chin up and live each day at a time. THat is what I am doing. If I start thinking too much about tommorow I will be overwhelmed. Anyways much love..and thanks for all the great suggestions.

I STILL GO BACK AND FORTH WITH MY MOOD SWINGS! HELP ME! THIS IS REALLY BAD!

No matter how hard I try
You keep pushing me aside
And I can't break through
There's no talking to you
It's so sad that you're leaving
It takes time to believe it
But after all is said and done
You're gonna be the lonely one

Do you believe in life after love?
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough
Do you believe in life after love?
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough

What am I supposed to do?
Sit around and wait for you?
Well I can't do that
And there's no turning back
I need time to move on
I need love to feel strong
'Cause I've got time to think it through
And maybe I'm too good for you

Do you believe in life after love?
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough
Do you believe in life after love?
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough

Well I know that I'll get through this
'Cause I know that I am strong
I don't need you anymore
I don't need you anymore
I don't need you anymore
No, I don't need you anymore

Do you believe in life after love?
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough
Do you believe in life after love?
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough

Do you believe in life after love?
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough
Do you believe in life after love?
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough


This is my song for today................push...tired

I"m falling again... my husband kissed me every morning before he leaves.. I miss him when is he isn't around. I can't myself to think that I am fighting for a marriage that is doomed! A marriage that will not survive.. I don't know why I think like that, but my brain is squeezed.. like a toothpaste. Here I am.. crying by myself. I wrote to my mom this morning like I was saying goodbye to her. I need the anti deppressants more than anyone I guess. I was trying to fight.. and try to convince myself I can without.. I just wish I knew how.. I'm losing so much weight.. so fast. I've a always carried a lil bit extra weight and wouldn't do much harm to lose, but now I think this might dangerous.. I am tired of crying from time to time. Then when H comes home.. I change.. or when I am in public. It's not just the affair that's getting me down, but it sure crushed my spirit.

Anyways I am not strong enough.. I just want to let go of everything right now and fall inside a hole. I know I was doing well for the past few days, but noooooooo I was fooling myself.. here I am here.. crying my eyes out.

Girlfriend -

This is normal. I know that doesn't make you feel better, but it is. Look at me, I am OK now, and I was OK the past 3 days. But Sunday I didn't get out of my pajamas, didn't go to church, made my kids macaroni and cheese for dinner, and cried all day long. In my bed. How pathetic.

Go get a mild antidepressant. That is what I am on. Very mild, but it helps level me out. It doesn't cure, it doesn't fix, it just makes each day a bit more level. You are not weak because you need them.

This is probably the most traumatic time in your life, and only time will make it better. So, get on something to help you live that time in a more normal way.

You are going to be fine. Your M has a good chance of recovery. Remember that people here say that a recovered M can be incredible. Much better than the M was before the A. That thought is what keeps me going, and my WH is still fog-bound!

I love you, girlfriend. None of us deserve to have to go through this, to walk down this path we have been thrust upon. But we are all here, nonetheless. Use your humor - I know you have lots - use your brain - I know you are smart! And we will get through this together.

Next time I'm crying in bed, feeling sorry for myself and what my life has become, you will be having a great day, and you will write me an encouraging letter. OK?

WH and I have our second MT session today. Wish us luck!

Love, Amy

Amy - Good luck on your counseling. I'm glad you are going. And don't feel bad about sitting in PJ's all day and opening a box of mac&cheese. I've been known to feed my boys a peanut butter sandwich for dinner, and they came out just fine.

Harudah - There are lots of ups and downs. Get on some meds, or if you don't want them, do lots of exercise. Exercise will raise you endorphins or whatever they are.

Also remember you will be happy again. My H is still gone, and I'm happy everyday. Of course my butt is getting flat from sitting at computer, but I'm content. You will be too. I wish I could take your hand, pat you on the head, and help you get through this. HUGs from California.

mood update.. not daily anymore.

I went do so some neccesary things. I talked to one of my professors... we talked about many things..and life in Brussels, and he even talked about himself. It felt good to talk to someone. I didn't talk about personal issues, we talked about other things.. like how I like the city, and how I was feeling or fitting in.


Anyways, I went to class... which was very differnt we talked about college pressures and everything else. There wasn't much stress there.

Hubby came to pick me up from school, and we went to dinner quickly..nothing fancy just to avoid me cooking. <<<<<<============

Then came home talking to me a lot.... He seems less deppressed and talking to me a lot.. Yet I can't follow that much lol. He looked at the schedule to see if there was any movies we can watch.. anyways I'm going to study a bit more.. so yeah.. I won't be watching any movies.

Thanks guys.. I got a doctor.. but not a psychiatrist... but I need a checkup anyways. so here is my chance to get those anti D's .. I must say that I am somewhat ashame to get them.. but it is must.. I see myself day to day fallin..

I really think that once you get on the anti-D's, you will not be ashamed anymore. You will be on here telling everyone they shouldn't feel ashamed about getting anit-D's!

How do I know? Because that same thing happened to me! Maybe not, but I think it is a possiblity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for the encouraging words earlier. I am very proud of myself. I hope and pray I feel this good tomorrow and the day after. NOT like I did on Sunday! PJ day!

Love you! HUGS!!! Amy

Just another day.. I don't want to whine.. so I'm going to take my test.. take the F and walk out. I am tired of feeling lost. Anyways I wanted to wake up early, but hubby had another idea, he wouldn't let me because he thinks I'm trying too hard as to when I used to let things flow. I talked to my friends in FL last night.....I miss them so much! anyways... bye people

YOu see .. how I said I was in no condition to make decisions.... well... its true, but I think I know what my decision is... no I am not leaving H, but I am going to move back to FL. I want to be safe at home. Not now.... but I want to finish what I have here and go home.

Can H go to Florida with you?

Harudah

Don't be ashamed if you need anti depressant. I was like you. My counseler and doctor were wanting me to go on them for ages before I gave in and went on them. They were helpful in that they settled my mind enough to enable me to think things through better.

I also resisted something to help me sleep even though I hadn't slept for ages. I had never been one to take an medications.

I am no longer on these, but they were a big help back then. I took Zoloft.

C&S

update: Took my test; It's ok. I'll survive. Yes.. I am going back to FL.. I think it is best. H will stay in Europe until his papers processes through... I will go to the states to prepare his arrival. I will get myself a job.. continue my schooling and just wait it out until he will show up. It will not be Plan B.. but I know I will not trust him to stay by himself and not seeing the OW..... I don't know aobut the OW anymore.. I see almost everyday on chat. He doesn't seem to want to kick me off the computer anymore to chat.......I beleive it is over. No more hiding or waiting for the cell phone to ring. He even left it at the office.

Anyways....do I trust him to be by himself? Well it will be a test. If I feel like he is having another affair... or is seing the OW while I am gone.. well It's over. I will trust him to stay by himself and fix everything here while I am gone. To sell and prepare everything. I know this seem drastic.. but we've done the moving thing couple of times....so we're used to it now.

Anyways..that's what my plan is. Hopefully it goes as I hope. During this time, I will use it to see my life without my husband. We were separted for 3 months and half already, but we talked to each other everyday and he called me like 3-4 times daily...which was crazy! That's why I was so shocked concerning the affair.

Anyways.. that's my plan and I hope to stick to it. This is what we came up with right after he ended the affair. His mom do not want him to move, but I cannot stay here knowing that I am sinking.. and he is sinking because he really hates his job. He says he finds no satisfaction in and he feels like he deserve more than he is getting as far as wages. I am having a hard time finding a job, even if I do find one, I doubt I want to stay. I think for both our sake... it'll be best if I just move.

I am just sorting out my feelings at the moment. Anyone have a suggestion? Do you think I should not leave him alone? Do you think it is too vulnerable right now? Me moving is going to be in May really. and him.. he will probably be with me by september, because I'm hiring a lawyer to get his work permit and stuff.

I don't know. They always say don't make any major decisions for at least 6 months. I kind of think you need to be together right now.

12th of june will make it 6 months.... I think that will be enough time.. but I have to leave in the middle of may... or the start of June.. so yeah I am giving much time to think about.

How are you doing today? Well, I hope. I have been thinking about you a lot lately. Drop me a line when you can.

You are awesome, and I miss hearing from you. I haven't seen you posting too much, either. On anyone else's threads.

Talk to us! You help so many. I'm off to yoga, but I will check in later tonight.

Love, Amy

Oh I read lots.. I read many threads. I just don't want to repeat. I read the advices, and they are pretty good, so I didn't feel like adding anything else. . Plus I wasn't on the computer much yesterday. I went to class, then tutoring.. the tutor didn't seem to know more than I did! HA HA HA ! anyways I came home around 3:30. I had cereal and wanted to look up chat. The x OW was in chat... I do not talk to her.. but I chatted a little bit with some nice people.
Hubby doesn't want me to cook anymore, he used to enjoy my cooking, but I guess he wants me to take it easy. He came home with already cooked meal. He is a lot more thoughtful about my needs now. He didn't even read the site fully. Weird.. maybe he reads it while I'm not looking lol. He served me dinner last night, then went to the computer. He didn't stay long and came to watch a movie with me. He is not wasting as much time on the PC.

It's like the other way around now. I used to beg him to come to bed, or I'd just sleep on the couch, now he's the one waiting for me to take a shower to go to bed. *hehehehe* A lot of things have changed after the A. He is still deppressed, and so am I. But when we are together, we're less! lol weird huh? Negative plus Negative equals positive. Equilibrium level shall appear soon.

He talked to me about the move...but we are taking it easy ya know. No big action taken. I know he is miserable at work, but I tell him that he just needs to know what he is doing is just to help us out for a little bit and this is not his career. I know he had a lot of disappointment with his career, and I hope to help him. He also told me that he is somewhat scared. He always told me that if I made more money than him that it would be ok and if we had kids, he'd stay home if we could afford it. I also think he needs his own practive. He is a professional translator, and I want to help him after I finish my studies. Right now I can't.

Anyways the other night, he said "I'm jealous of you, everyone seems to want to grasp unto you. Noone can ever say they hate you, might be jealous of you but never hate. And I beleive you will make is BIG," and I looked up at him and said "if I do...remember you were by my side the whole time, giving me courage and helping financially." Before I used to be so mean to him though.. I told him that I didn't need him. I am not blaming him for everything that happened, but I was part of problem. I LB somewhat because I was angry at him or disappointed about a lot of things myself and didn't want to take responsibilities for my own actions.

He also tells me, "you will be upper class, not now, but soon." I asked him if he wanted to chat a bit about what he was feeling, he told me that in a couple of years I might meet other guys, with lots of money, and willing to give me the opportunity of a lifetime, and I might not even think of him.

Uhmmm.... this got me thinking a lot. About the affair... I always thought, when you have an affair its because you are missing something in your relationship, but I came to the conclusion that even my LB's was not the main issue. He is insecure in front of me. He feels like he is in a competitition. He feels he doesn't step up to the plate as my husband. What he doesn't understand is that I need his support. See the day he came home after he met that girl and had sex with her in OUR CAR! He came home with his adam's Apple switch to the side. His eyes were red, but I thought he was just upset about a job he wanted and didn't get. So I went to comfort him. And the day after in bed he told me "there were times I wasn't very nice to you." HE started crying..................
(OMG why am I pulling this out of my chest again??) anyways, I was talking about leaving because i've had enough of him being cold to me, and I wanted to be next to my family. (mind you .. I have a feeling that is terrible to me...they have never been supportive of me. They never help me with anything. I remember I went to do my laundry and I didn't have a car. I told my mom to pick me up.. and she didn't show up. I was STUCK there until a nice guy..whom I can't even remember his name gave me aride home. WHen I came home, I found my mom watching TV and she told me that she went to another laundry mat and didn't find and didn't bother. I even called her, she said she would not leave her house.)

Okay, now you might understand why I am so independent and I hate co dependence and that how much it hurts me that I still love my husband in spite of what he did to me.

Then the next day while we were in bed.. I calmed down and decided I would not go back home. I would stay and work in my marriage. And that night we went to bed together.. he was half asleep and I said.. "Honey, I need you...I hope you know that." I guess that just broke him to peices, so he told me everything the next day. That's how I found out.

Anyways, I always thought, if a man is going to cheat on his wife, he would pick someone better loooking, smarter, outgoing, everything that the spouce is not providing. Oh gawd, He will not let me see her picture! I still don't know what she looks like. In great details, he was telling me a lot of things about this girl, how she looked.. He is ashamed to show me her PICTURE! He told me his legs will make her arm. So here is the picture that I have in my head. She has Huge breasts he said... and she is big but not sloppy. And that he never told her that she was cute. He doesn't want to lie he said. STRANGE!!!!!!!!!! He even went as far to tell me that "she's not very smart."

While he was in the fog, he was telling me that the reason he went for that girl.. is because I am everything that girl isn't, which is the same thing he is telling me now, just in different words. It was the only time they met, and she asked him to have sex with her! My husband have low self esteem, that I know. I see things in him that he doesn't see in himself.

Well, last night .. part of my healing process was to know EVERYTHING that had happened with the affair.. he told me everything he was feeling. He told me he didn't go with the intent to have sex with her, but in his mind never thought she would want since it was the first time they met. She wanted him! She was desperate. He said she made him feel like GOD!

last night we were watching tv.. and he even joked about this stuff, which i find SICK.. he said "she paid me dinner, which was shocking, I couldn't say no. I was afraid I would hurt her feelings." WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He wanted to continue his little joy game. He would have all his emotional needs met by bought of us he realized this would be great during his fog. It was crazy! See, my husband do not want to lose me.. he doesn't want to live without me. And he didn't want to take any chance to let me go. And I guess I learned that since I was a kid to not show my pain. So I did it naturally to not show how much he had hurt me. Even now I don't show my emotions. I swallowed everything up......that's why he didn't get all wild. ANyways the first days I went crazy.

Now I am calm. I don't know why I am going back to this, but I just wanted to take a trip back to when I first found out about this. Sometimes I still wondered if he still talking to the OW, although they both claimed no contact, but I think if he was still in contact with her.....he would still be in deep fog.

Anyways..now I'm getting sweet words.. "m'darling, honey, my lil duck," It's kinda weird.. I have to get used to this. Feels like when we first got together. Everyday when he leaves for work..he kisses me and tuck me in tightly. He sends me emails while at work. He asked me if I want him to do the groceries.. This ain't real! Anyways I'm tired already and I woke two hours ago. NO school today, but i have some errands to run. And clean the house... a bit.. get some fresh air in.

Next time.. I won't go backflash!!!! LONG ENTRY I KNOW.. but just read the bottom part.. lol I am just putting my feelings lol

HUGS AMY!!! Each time I see you guys post, it sure makes me feel good. I get the support. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'll post even just to say hello <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wow. I think you went back to that, because you needed to purge it out of your system! You did "swallow it all up," and I think your body and mind and spirit needed to get it out of you.

In my totally uneducated opinion, so it is not worth much, it sounds like your H does have low self-esteem, and that in some ways he did have the A as a "defense" against losing you. ??? Is that possible? It sounds like he thinks he did "marry up," and that he thinks an aweful lot of you and not a lot about himself.

I don't know. I am just guessing. And I think you are right, that if he was still talking to the OW, he would still be foggy - and that doesn't seem to be the case.

It sounds like he was trying to get your attention. These A's are sometimes a cry for help. I think that is what my WH's was - my eyes are open now! I'm awake to his needs!!

I also am very impressed with the responsibility that you have taken in the health of the relationship. I didn't realize how much there was that wasn't working until I wrote it all down. Now, in a way, I think it is amazing that our R lasted as long as it did without crisis.

It is so good to know you are still hanging out and reading. But also good to know it is not ALL you want to do ALL day long. I am also getting to that point. I enjoy coming here, but life goes on and I have a schedule.

Lots of hugs and love. You are doing awesome. So is your H. He is doing and saying all the right things to help you heal. And you will heal. It just takes time. And I'm glad you are waiting until late May, early June to move. I think Believer knows her stuff, and we should listen to her advice.

Amy