I have been doing well, as far as dealing with the issues in my marriage. It seems also that it is affect other parts in my life. I just can't get myself to focus, and to study and to do my job. I am coping, but somehow I've found comfort in the internet and I dont want to do anything else anymore! I barely study...I feel bad about it though.. and I'm going deeper into depression. I know what that feeling is like. I am going deep!!!!!!!!! Like the chemicals in my brain are not working anymore. I skipped two classes last week, which I promised myself I wouldn't that because I had stomach pains..

But HELP ME! How do I get out of this? Now its not the affair that's hurting as much...Its the consequences after it. Like people that knows thinkthat I can go on with my life as if nothing happened.. I'm sorry.. but I can't. I don't want to make excuses for myself, but I AM NOT MYSELF! I am a delinquent right now!!!!!!!! I am feeling sorry for myself, and I dig myself into bad things now. I cannot make me work anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Help? What should I do? SOMEBODY.......................maybe I need a therapist.. but HOW? I'm useless, doubt I can go look for one by myself.

harudah -

Good to hear from you again, though I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. Can you go to a doctor for some anti-depressants? I got mine from regular doctor.

You are experiencing the grief that we all go through when we find out we have been betrayed. I hope you can get some help soon. You are right, you can't just get over it.

Exercise will also help by increasing the brain chemicals that you need.

The reason you are on the computer all of the time is because this is where you get support. Look at me, I'm here all of the time. My friends and family have been there for me, but tell me to just file for divorce and move on.

Please take care of yourself. Try to go to classes. It is so unfair that you are suffering because of H's choices, but that's the way it is when we get married. HUGS from California.

I'm not failing my classes.. but I am an A student, not C' and low B's .. I feel so bad looking at my papers. My profs said the way I express myself in class do not reflect on my papers, so they want to give me a chance .. which is weird....willing to let me have an advantage over others.. kinda unfair maybe. But I always carry a smile in class.. I didn't tell anyone about my struggles, but I guess it reflects on my papers.

I wrote my husband this morning to work telling him how I was feeling ... He knows how I am. I am not a perfectionist, but one thing that I DO KNOW how to do is to do whatever I do in my life correctly. I may act crazy at times, but where its going to cost me long term damages.

Well he wrote me back saying that he is the cause of me feeling depressed and that I will ok. And he says that I'm a wonderful wife. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (at least one thing I'm good at) He has been supportive... I go through moments of happiness then deep deep depression, I just go back home from school.. and here I am online... what a suprise!

I think all about bad things.. I didn't get much sleep last night although we went to bed earlier than usual.

Beleiver, I'm scared to take anti-depressants, although I think its the easier short term way to help me out of this hell. I know I have to deal with the issues. For some reason I keep thinking if I take anti-depressants I don't want to alter my moods. I just don't know. I'm scared to take them because I want to be normal and be a strong woman. I will also try to inform myself a little bit more about it. I want to stop crying.. really I am not crying over the affair, I am crying over my SORRY state.

soooooooooooo
Thanks for listening.

Great to hear that you are doing okay in school. I was afraid that you might be failing.

It's encouraging that you talked to H about it. His response was good. Seems like your marriage is going to be fine.

For me, the anti-depressants really worked well. When I first found out about A, I sat at home and cried all day, sat like a Zombie at work. I didn't tell anyone, but everyone knew there was something wrong.

I took the medicine and on the 19th day, I woke up feeling fine. The medicine then gave me strength to do what I had to do, and to cope better with WH's craziness.

I probably could have worked through this on my own. It would have taken a lot longer. My problem is I have to perform. I have to work. I have boys who are just starting on their own and need me. I just couldn't sit around much longer doing nothing.

Hang in there, you will get through this. All the signs are very hopeful. Stick with us and we will support you.

I need to perform! It's part of my whole composition. How old are your boys? Anyways, this independence falls where I never get help from anyone. I always have to do everything by myself. And the only person that ever was willing to help me, be my partner is my husband. I have 3 younger brothers, but we're not emotionally close. They are not my friends. There is no sibling connection there, except for my youngest one.

Anyways, I know i have other issue other than the A to deal with... and the A just dig everything back on the surface when I was trying to push myself and working them out. Now I don't have the confidence to go on. I am. I will make the best to study.

Also my husband's grand ma is dying of cancer, she is on hold for 1 day or couple of hours now. There is no more treatment, its basically over. We went to see her as fast as we could since we do not live close to each other.

We also are dealing with this. I haven't seen death so close... well, I need to put food in my mouth...

My emotions have been going back and forth. I feel like I am having this battle with myself. I thought I could live with this. I thought I could forgive him, but only time will tell. Trust is not something you can just give.. it is earned! My h has lost it.. and for some reason, I feel so terrible that I do not forgive.. i cannot forgive him!!!!!! I am trying but I bring back up the affair. I even went the chatroom that he met her and now I see her everyday and do not talk to her... but I do see her in the chatroom.. I found out who she is... and things about her.. her birthday.. things like that.. And I just need to STOP!

I strong beleive that he has cut the contact with her. It is over! The affair is over...... I am 99.9% sure. Now I thought I'd feel better now it's been weeks, but I really don't.. its deeply rooted inside of me. I cannot trust my husband and it hurts me that I do not trust him.

We talked about it last night. He said he feels it. He could tell that I want to go back in time, but i cannot go back in time. he said he is even confused about himself, his beleifs, but in other words he wants to tell me that ..since my H always said that he would never cheat.. when he loves his woman..she'll be the only one he loves. He doesn't her...but she cared about him, it seemed that was the main important part. Anyways maybe I've made a step back this weekend.. I was so mad for Vday... I don't know.. sighs****
I thought I was making it, but I am not. I seem to be internalizing and visualizing again my husband holding her, holding her hand.. feeling good in her arms.. it might have been for just a couple of hours, but I hurt.... I get so green just thinking about it.

My concentration with school is still the same. I am not doing much improvement.. but ok.. He told me to just get my credits.. and he knows that I am not feeling well and cannot expect me to get A's like I used to. Anyways I am not in such a good mood today.. I am trying to pick my chin up the ground.. I am trying..

TO Kamara, if she is reading this.. I read her post and I send her a big hug..
To beleiver: Thank you so much for always been there for me...you do not know how much you've helped me through everything.

harudah-

Have you read the "quick clicks" on the home page about restoration, overcoming resentment, and reconciliation? They are very helpful.

I found out from OW's H that my H and OW went on a Harley ride today called the Valentine's sweetheart ride". My H and I have gone together for the past 15 years, so that really hurt.

However I am so much stronger than before. I'm like a different person. It feels so good to have a plan and be sticking to it. However this turns out, I will always know I did my best. I didn't break my vows or throw away the marriage.

You have such courage!!! WOW! Are going to work on getting a divorce? Somehow I think its clear that he chose his mistress... soYes you will always be the better one, you did not break your vows.. you didn't ruin your marriage he did.. NONE of it is your fault!! you can always feel like that after this is over.

Big hugs*

I seem to need my emotional needs met all the time, before I wasn't like that.. I resent him the last couple of months for not holding me.. or showing me affection, now I just work on it. Like tonight I wanted to watch this movie with him, I asked. and he came and held me on the couch and we had a good time. SO I like doing things with him to get our minds off all this crap. See when we do things together, its good instead of staying inside the house ... I just wish we'd have more friends and stuff. but It's dangerous to have female friends he said because I'll think he wants to be with them. Yeah, I would trust him more easily before.

Here is the plan Tommorow morning I'm waking up at the same time as him and get motivated to do homework and do everything I have to do during the day. It seems like my resume hits many places, I have them contacting me regarding jobs, so I will have to pull myself together.

So beleiver.. tell me what you are going to do. I know you are hurt... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> god know's I know how it feels. He told me he started to get close to the OW in November... and she has been asking to meet him, but he avoided for a while until I wanted to leave. when everything was going wrong in our marriage. I even told him that even though I wished that the A didn't happend, maybe it had to happend.. because none of what we've been talking about would have been talked about regarding our marriage. Too bad it had to take this to fix certain issues. I love this man so much.. its just so terrible.

I really want to know about what you are going to do. You seem calm, and in control to where you can make a decision and live with it. I am not at the moment.. I am just trying to see if my marriage will work.

Well, talk to you later <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Harudah -

What I am going to do is stick to the marriagebuilders program. I am now back in Plan B. As I've been on this board I have become stronger and stronger.

I have my own life now and it is a happy one. On the other hand, this has been going on for almost a year (the affair). H has met none of my needs in all that time.

So I guess I will stay in Plan B until I completely lose my love for him. That may have already happened, I'm not sure. All I know is that the longer this goes on, the more apart we are. We are going down different paths - he is getting his needs met by OW. I am seeking other ways to meet my needs. So it does not look good.

But I am happy I found this site. It has really made a difference in my life. With or without him, I will thrive.

I am so very happy to hear this! Yes you are doing great and helping others. I am glad. This is trully the best way to go. I am so glad this is working good for you and your family of course. It's been a year and you're doing well, and I beleive you are an inspiration. It means all of us can pull through. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Big hugs*

The rollercoaster you are going through is a normal thing when someone finds out about infidelity. I don't know if there is anything you can really do about it other than wait it out. I went through it and it wasn't fun. I finally got on anti depressants and I'm not sure if they helped or not. They didn't make me feel any worse if that is what you are worried about. I thought I'd feel like a zombie or something if I took them, but I didn't. I do somewhat believe they helped. I guess its the stigma of anti Ds and therapy. I never thought I'd do either, but sometimes you can't cope even if you try so you go for help. I went to individual counseling for a couple of months. It helped to just talk to someone. I don't think my therapist was very good, but at least I had someone to talk to. You may need both at this point in your life. I know it is kinda scary, but it does help. I don't know your whole story, but if you haven't read Surviving an Affair by Harley, you may want to get a copy and read it. It is probably the best book/information I have found on this subject. I hope you the best. I don't know if I helped at all, but I hope you get something out of this....

Thanks.. Maybe I should go into Anti-D.... because my performance in my life is crucial at this time. I don't seem to be keeping my promises to myself lately. Everything is just so blah and fake.. and I only focus on myself..trying to feel good .. like when you feel bad.. you spend somuch time just trying to lift your spirit up while I need to go on with my life.

I used to take iniatives.. I used to be motivated and willing most of the time. I seem to become careless and waste time... TIme is precious and cannot be wasted. I tend to want to stay in the unknown rather than face my fears. I really should talk to someone.. Can anyone tell me someone who can give counseling through email.. anything???? I thought I wanted to stay in the this relationship, this marriage, but the more time is going the more I want to pull away. SOme days I want to stay and somedays noooo I feel like its an endless struggle. I don't tell hubby what I feel because he'll be feeding off my insecurities, he already insecure, but I don't know.. Maybe it would be best if I just leave. IF I leave my marriage...(will I feel better?) I doubt. I will feel like a failure, and a waste of my time. IF I continue.. (will I be wasting my time anyways?) I don't know........I'm in the gray right now............everything seems weird.

When hubby is here, all I want to do is stay close to him.. and just be with him, like someone who's going to die. Like I don't want to miss a minute.. I don't think he'll beleive it if I tell him. But I go through moments where I wish he'd disappear out of my life and would have never met him.

And when he is gone, and not physically with me, I keep thinking about leaving. Like I want to pack my bags discreetly and just run out of the back door, and the only way he will know is for the next fews days if I will be back. I don't want to say goodbye....but I just want to disappear myself.

This might be all depression talk. blah......
Thoughts? Am I the one in the fog now?

Harudah -

You are not in the fog. You are going through the same feelings and emotions that all of us BS do. As a wise woman posted to me this morning, her emotions shifted like the wind, and she described exactly what you are describing. Her M is in recovery for 2 years now.

Talk to your doctor about anti-D's. Also, my doctor prescribed me some anti-anxiety. You will fill out question and answer sheets for your doctor to know what it is you are needing. The anti-anxiety medicine makes it so I can function and do the things I need to do each day. I have two boys that need me, and I have started my own business. I, like you, need to perform, even though I am going through this.

I also make myself do certain things each day before I will let myself come here and get my support "fix." Because I was doing as you are doing in not doing anything except being here! Make this your reward for doing the stuff you don't want to - and the meds could help you do that stuff. Do you see the logic?

Granted, I haven't dusted in 6 weeks, ran my vacuum in over 1 week, and my bathrooms need to be cleaned. But my dishes are done, laundry is done, kids are fed, dog is fed, my paid jobs are caught up, and then I get to come here.

Take care and realize that you are going through normal stuff. This is akin to Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder, what people who have survived plane crashes experience! Cut yourself some slack. You are not going to just "snap" out of this. It is a process you have to work through. Only time makes it better, so get a plan in place to give yourself that time.

Amy

He is here now.. and I'm ok. I'm talking to him.. watching TV.. I went to class! Even though I didn't want to.. I got myself up and went. I got to talk and laugh. I am a totally different person. I smile.. I laugh.. and I feel good.. Then I leave class, but I can't help to think of my troubles. When he is there, i don't think as hard...I am not as down. maybe I think about the possibility of him with the OW. Also there is one thing I need to say.. I cheated somewhat in Dr. Harley's advice.. maybe that's why I'm feeling bad. I found out where my husband chatted.. not that he was really hiding it. I found out the OW's name. I know he isn't in contact with her.. as she only have access through her work..and me.. I am home during the day sometimes when I do not have classes.. well.. I see her in the chatroom and went with his nick. She started PM and calling his name..as if she was shocked to see him. Like she had hopes he would come to see her. I stopped snooping.. really, but I go the the chatroom.. I don't know why. its like "keep your friends close and your ennemies closer." She was nice to me when I chatted with her and did not want to say anything mean. So I got my own nick, and I do not talk to her. i talk to other people, sometimes follow what she is saying and I made it clear who I am. I said it in the room. So everyone in the chatroom that she met already knew that she was talking to my husband. (just a lil scandal) anyways I told my husband what I did.. the day I went with his nick.. and he said that he was not happy because he's trying nto to have any contact with her and here I was...talking to her. I told him that I didn't.. Ok.. it was over..he wasn't mad for very long.

But I should really get away from the chatroom cuz each time I saw her nick it makes me SICK!

I am going to do 2 hours of homework tonight and tommorow 2 hours of homework.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I have to start slow.. and I will be back on track somehow.

Anyways.. I still can't get to a doctor to get me anti D.. I haven't talked to any professionals about what issues but I think I should.. I don't know.. I don't trust many.

Well chat later..

Did I also say that we are looking into the possibility of moving in the next months. We do not want to make such decision right since both are fairly unstable.

Here I am visiting y'all again. went to class, made an appointment to get a tutor, working up myself to start studying. I clean my house.. made my bed...

I was walking with no music today. I was thinking.... Love.. I wasn't crazy in love with my husband. I made a choice to love him, a commitment. He wasn't my first love which was just fantasy loving. Him and I were real. Two adults that made a conscious decision to love each other and not SHARE .. so I THOUGHT! anyways.. I also thought about just like I can make the decision to be with him, I can make that same decision to NOT love him. I have some power over this...yet I still choose to love him in spite of what he did..and continue to love him. He seemed to have made the decision to stay with me and love me the way I deserve to be loved.

I felt like I had no control.. I do. I can choose to end it, I can choose to go on. And CONTROL right now is very important to me. I have the choice...................

Yay for you! It is so empowering to know that we do have a choice.

I made the choice to honor my marriage vows, even though H is still not.

I am glad that you have made the choice to love him.

Thank you for posting to me yesterday! It was good to get to know your story more. You sound like you are doing so much better.

We do all have choices. I think I am not quite ready to honestly look at my choices right now. I need to let more of my anger and confusion seep out of my body before I can look at that inside myself. No good decision was ever made in anger and fear.

I am going to go to the gym this morning and do cardio and pump some iron! I have decided that feeling powerful physically will make me feel more powerful dealing with WH. At least I know I look good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Chat at you later. I love your saying. "Sing your song girlfriend." I am!!!

Amy

aaahh.. yeah now the only thing I have to overcome is internet addiction.. Yes I did study a bit... I feel good that I studied.. I don't have the test till thursday, but I am somewhat prepared <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ... Then I will study some more tommorow after class for that specific test.. I feel on a ROLE! cool huh?

Anyways.. its me that have control over my emotions.. I choose to or to not react to things. I made plans to go to a movie on friday with him. And sunday I have to go play tag football with a couple of new friends that I've made. I need to get myself moving.. and stop being online.. I like to come and chat with you guys <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> but also the real world awaits me and I crave it.. and I need to get hubby into the real world also. He needs to get out of deppression.

He has moments just like me I guess. So we're going to see a funny movie.. I have to plan the whole day.. just to have fun at least.

harudah -

According to the recovery plan here, it is very important to make some new memories. When you keep thinking about the bad times, go out together and have some fun.