Yeah.. I"m holding. I came back from my daily errands... I have yet to start cleaning, but I'll get to it in a minute. I had a long walk. I think about things over in my mind. I calmed myself down this way.. but I cannot beleive that I just bought 4 oranges for 5 euros!! lol Hubby warned me about going to that little shop! Oh well. At least it was the best brand.. the imported kind from Spain. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I love fruits!

And Amy, you're right! My husband do think that I am better than him in some ways.. and it MAKES me sick! It's not true! I don't know where he gets this idea. I might be more outgoing, I just appear outgoing.. I'm not really. I just don't know. His perception of me is too much. He talks about my last name which is really a name I would love to get rid off! It has caused me so much pain and suffering that I do not wish to have it. (no, I didnt want to give up my name when I married, nor did he beleive in this tradition.) My last name alone can get me killed. If he wants it, I should just give him my name....maybe that will make him feel better.

His mom and I talked about his LSE problem. I talk to her a lot about things and she confirmed everything to me. We want to get him to go see someone, but I just don't know how. If I do it, and make him go..he will, but he says psychiatrist cannot trick him. I told him he beleive in the "old regime" when they were making experiment.

I think the A was a call for attention, but also to prove something to himself. Having someone admiring him like she did. This girl wrote tome and told me how much she "LOVE" my husband and how much confidence he brought to her.

I also thought about it long and hard, but he never told her his last name. This was not in anyway serious. He told me it started as a game, and then she was falling for him and he wanted to see where she would go with it. He didn't love her, but she surely thought she loved him. She told me her whole world would fall apart. I see her chatting....it doesn't look like it. lol

Well............off to cleaning.. the sound of the vaccum cleaner is exciting, but not as great as dishes clinging together in white mousse. I should have lunch its almost 4 and hubby will be home in 2 hours. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Kisses ya'll

I'm stupid. I am not feeling attractive today. I talked about everything.. from moving, divorce, and money. I just do not know what I am feeling really. Everyone knows aobut my roller coaster ride. I am still sorta SANE! hehehe

I can eat now, I sleep well, and I even get intimate with my H. He told me that this morning that I was beating the hell out of him in my sleep. Yeah.. I was dreaming someone was dragging me out this library/airport. I didn't win a prize and I was saying "this is bull****, I deserve this prize." I was kicking my feet but the two guards that were dragging me out was too big for me to really fight. I finally got off their hands and started to punch, but they were bad and weak punches hehe..

I guess I am fighting with myself and not doing a very good job at it.

Dang, you have much more interesting dreams than I do! I bet a professional dream analyzer could tell us lots about what that dream means! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know, rollercoaster. It sucks. But until this happened, and then up until a couple of weeks ago, I had a low self-esteem. I am kind-of glad this happened to me, in a way, because it forced me to grow up.

I have been with HW since I was 16, and I let him take care of me in so many ways. And when he left me, and I didn't die, I realized I am a different type of person than I thought I was - I was pleasantly surprised!

And I think my WH and the OW have low self-esteem to have done what they did. They did not have the courage to stand up for what they believed in, with themselves.

That is so sad for them. I know my WH has a long journey before he can be the type of person I'll want in my life again every day.

But I'm not going anywhere, I still love my H, the man I know. And I will wait and see what he can do, and help in any way I can.

Keep going, girlfriend. How far did you get with your cleaning? Vacuuming, dishes, dinner . . . were all a success? I need to run my vacuum here today.

I am going to pilates and on the elliptical trainer. Unfortunately, I got my entire appetite back! And I look good after my 30 pound weight loss. None of it is coming back! I'm determined. It's nice to have something else to focus on.

Hugs and love, Amy

harudah -

Sounds like things are going well for you.

People that are very independent, learned from childhood to be that way. They learned that often no one would help them anyway, so why ask? It served them well then, but now as adults, can hurt them. It is good to be independent, but not to the point of never asking for help.

Have your read "Torn Asunder"? In it the author talks about "the message of the affair". This is sometimes even unknown to the WS, it is something they can't tell you, thus the A. It is very interesting to read about.

mood swings! I want to kill him! He is getting on my nerves. I need to hold back saying things that will LB!
I am tired of not LBing..it's driving me crazy to not say what I really thinK!
I want to scream.. Maybe I should go for a walk! See it's saturday... I thought it'd be nice to be with him all day.. but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I want to shoot him. He's picking on me. Before I wouldn't be upset about it, but I am now. He's playing around, but I am not laughing. That's crazy. It's driving me ****ing off the wall! I've become sensitive and my skin is thin now.

I am going to take a walk. I need to calm down. Going for a walk is needed now. see you guys later.

harudah -

Go ahead and LB right here. Pretend that I am your H and let me have it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

TOO COLD!!! CAME RIGHT BACK HOME!

anyways.. I'm calmer.. probably needed to freeze my [censored] OFF! I am in limbo......I just need a stable life. Anyways I'm writing to my terrible mother,...yeah I'm a messed daughter too. She still doesn't hate me, I have yet to want to kill her yet for messing me up!

Anyways, we're still going to dinner tonight.. I hope I can change my feelings of resentment and the feeling that he is so ****ING SELFISH! SIHGS* I am also worry.. I need to do my homework and I haven't done anything since thursday.. but oh well.. I am not going to kill myself over nothing.. its just school. I am transfering anyways. I can't live here.. too cold for me. His mom can scream, yell, I am not staying. She isn't my mother, can't tell me what to do! Although, she's nice doesn't mean I have to do what she wants.

I realized I need to be selfish too. I need to think about ME ME ME !!! and I am going to do things only for myself now. Not for anyone else. I'm gonna turn myself into the monsters that I've hated. SELFISH PEOPLE! I am going to be one of those in order to fulfill myself.

I didn't LB much beleiver.. he was talking about how I stopped working-out and I should be picking it up again...cuz I need to have a stronger stomach. SO I turned on him and told him that "YOU DIDN"T CHOOSE BETTER." Anyways.. I don't want to bring that anger back inside of me .. its no use right?

Thanks B <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am listening to my song again.. "DO YOU BELEIVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE?"

I think I am looking so much better than a couople of months ago Beleiver, when he was cheating on me......and I didn't know.. I am better. TRUTH IS ALWAYS MY MOST CHERISHED IDEA! I am an aquarius, and the truth no matter how brutal it is.... I want it. I thrive on it. I cannot get the pictures out of my head.

CURSES***** I wanted to know details, but now I can't get details out of my mind.

You know.. something I want to tell you guys.. I even thought about cheating, but I CAN"T DO IT! I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I have gifts offer...from my "supportive" friend, but did not accept them. and this guy at my University is always trying to talk to me.. sweet talking me. He is extremely nice to me, but see..that's not me! I told him that I was married, and that was it. Until I get a divorce I can't be with anyone else.! I don't know.. I want PAYBACK! That's what he would want me to do.....but I WON"T DO IT! That's not what I really want to do. I would only do it to hurt him.

Anyways......that was my venting!..........maybe I'll feel better after dinner.. did I tell you guys I got my appetite back? yeah.. I am eating better. Well, not THAT much better, but enough. I even think I will order a full menu tonight..

Talk to you guys later. KISSES*

Wow. That was some great venting! I am so impressed. How about you, Believer? Ask and you shall receive, huh???

You go, girl. I know, some of my friends have told me kind-of jokingly to get a boyfriend and see how WH likes that! But it is not my style, either. I don't have an A because I think H will leave me, I don't have an A because it is not in my belief system.

I am a Cancer Crab, and although I don't know much about astrological signs, truth is at the top of my quality list in other people and myself. So, we will just vent about how upset our WH's would be if we did that to them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I hope you feel better after venting. I know I usually do, once my pulse slows back down and I stop seeing red. I as a Cancer Crab do have the temper!

I feel strangely calm lately, though. I wonder what is going on inside of me that I have yet to realize.

I have a question in to Believer over on the General Questions II board about D. You should read it and post to me as well. I would love to hear what you have to say.

Hugs and love, Amy

I do tarot readings.. I have this strange psychic stuff with me. I just don't know how to manage my feelings. When things are going wrong, I know, I just don't know how to figure it out. I see it before hand.. either in my sleep or flashes. I do feel things. Or I don't realize that I know things. See the night my husband came back from DOING that whore, I was joking with him.. I was saying "you went to see another woman...you're wearing the expensive undies I bought for you" HA HA . I'm stupid like that.

Anyways, its everything that I see.. I just don't like to break the news to myself. I can tell you who's going to win the US election, but I won't. HEHEH it's true.

Anyways, just came back from dinner.. had a couple glasses of wine. I feel better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ha ha I was dancing!!!!!!! good huh? I had mushroom soup.. yum! and I had shrimps with calamars... rice and we ordered noodles on the side.. good huh? anyways I'm calm and smiling. I wish I'd feel like that everyday......................

I need PEACE!