Friday the 13th I had a horrible day at work, I escaped and came home early only to find my H with OW. He was buttoning up his shirt, she was hiding in the bathroom. They had made our futon into a bed while our daughter was sleeping.

They never had sex. They only began kissing (maybe touching) a month and a half ago. I knew he was no longer in love with me and I've been trying to do all that I can for months now only to discover while I've been trying he's been nurturing feelings for another woman.

The night of D-Day, after work, H met up with the other woman to end the A. It took him four hours to say good bye and he didn't come home until 3:40 a.m. However, when he came home he did say that this day (Valentines Day) was the first day of the rest of our lives.

I made him a special dinner that night for Valentines Day when he came back from work. Our daughter was asleep and we had a good talk. I think I was focused so much on our problems that I failed to address how little I like who I am. To skim over some issues, how can anyone love me if I don't know how to love myself? I am beginning to work on becoming someone I value. I'm looking into volunteering.

It's devestating to know that no one wants me as a woman, it's crippling to think that I've been abandoned even though he's with me. I am so exhausted trying to control my feelings and reactions so I won't drive him away.

He's said he's sorry but he has not asked for forgiveness. I have to wait. There is a withdrawl period right? How can he see me when he's in mourning.

I want to hurt myself but I can't. I want to hit my head against the wall, I want to punch out a window, I want to run until I collapse, I want to sit in the cold. I am 5 months pregnant so I can't do all of these things. I have mentioned these feeling to H and I think it'll be best to tell my OBGYN today after the ultrasound. Am I normal?

My husband has a hard time expressing himself. We've started reading a book together, "Courage to Love - When Marriage Hurts" and I hope this will give us some communicating tools.

Since D-Day we've spent about 2 hours each day talking about us. Is this too much time?

Tonight our daughter is at my parents house. We'll have a night alone. Dinner, some serious conversation, hopefully some fun.

I need to remember that he's chosen me. I am his first choice.

But I am so tired. I am so sad, so small. I need him to take the lead in our recovery for a bit but he's not ready. It's so hard to welcome him back into my life and pick myself off of the floor after being kicked in the gut, but this is what I must do.

When I cry is that a love buster? When we shared a lovey night together and the next day I find him with someone else, how can I not feel that my love means nothing? How can I not cry?

We've been married for three years with a second child on the way. Our marriage will survive, but I need courage, strength, and support. Help?

there is never too much talking, I think your on the right course, after my W told me , we talked for hours on end. shamefully I admit that its been more talk then we have had in years. Right now your up and down and that is normal.


there is no shame in crying and noone would see it as a LB, just be honest with how you feel and dont expect that everything will be ok in a short time.

I get up in the morning and breathe deeply.It helps to clear the mind a bit. there are a few more books that ill have too look up the names to suggest to you.... good luck ill post back with the names of the books

Read, read and read.

The first book you get is Surviving an Affair. Then Love Buster, His needs and Her needs, Giver and Takers. They can all be found in the book store here. Or you can get it from your library.

It's been more than a month for me since D-day. I am still not able to pick myself up too much. But I am stronger and stronger. Keep praying and hang in here.

lostnhurt thank you for those titles I knew of them thru reading here but couldnt remember .

god bless
my prayers are with you
cliff

Thanks Cliff. Prayer is all I need.

Whenever I thought about the A, my stomach was sick. I know that I should'n think about that too much. I need strength from GOD to help me to hold on.

I know what you mean, I immediatly went to the bathroom and threw up when I found out.but every day gets a little easier than the last to go thru.

"self is the only prison that can ever bind the soul"

Loy,

Welcome to the forum...sorry you are here...but happy to have you. I feel deeply sad for your situation. I wanted to reply to your post at length...so I'm going to go through and try to do a thorough job of answering your questions as best as I can.

Friday the 13th I had a horrible day at work, I escaped and came home early only to find my H with OW. He was buttoning up his shirt, she was hiding in the bathroom. They had made our futon into a bed while our daughter was sleeping.

Is this someone he works with? That's important because if he is still seeing her at work that will adversely affect your recovery.

They never had sex.

I don't want to hurt you...but this is highly unlikely. If this is what he's telling you, I sincerely think you need to do a bit more investigating. The liklihood that you managed to catch them on the ONLY time they kissed is not very good. Can you handle things if it is more?

They only began kissing (maybe touching) a month and a half ago. I knew he was no longer in love with me and I've been trying to do all that I can for months now only to discover while I've been trying he's been nurturing feelings for another woman.

You must begin to face the real seriousness of this problem head on. It will hurt more if it comes out bit by bit...so find out the truth...until you know...you can't protect your health or the health of your unborn child. You need to be tested for STDs that can affect your pregnancy and it needs to be done NOW.

The night of D-Day, after work, H met up with the other woman to end the A. It took him four hours to say good bye and he didn't come home until 3:40 a.m. However, when he came home he did say that this day (Valentines Day) was the first day of the rest of our lives.

This is typical Betrayed Spouse rationale...it took four hours to say goodbye!!! puhleeze...doesn't that strike you as ridiculous? It should have been done with a letter...never face to face. And do NOT be surprised if contact has not stopped at all. He needs to write a formal no contact letter...that spells out fact that she is not to call him, write to him or contact him in any way. He should agree to tell you if at anytime she tries to. Is she married???? Does her spouse know?

I made him a special dinner that night for Valentines Day when he came back from work. Our daughter was asleep and we had a good talk. I think I was focused so much on our problems that I failed to address how little I like who I am. To skim over some issues, how can anyone love me if I don't know how to love myself? I am beginning to work on becoming someone I value. I'm looking into volunteering.

I would highly suggest Individual Counseling for you. Your OBGYN can recommend one when you talk to him. Please do this chere...I'm worried about you. And you are too kind right now...don't be a doormat...it will backfire.

It's devestating to know that no one wants me as a woman, it's crippling to think that I've been abandoned even though he's with me. I am so exhausted trying to control my feelings and reactions so I won't drive him away.

Controlling reactions IS important. But that doesn't mean you cannot honestly talk about your feelings and the pain he has caused you. He is expecting you to be understanding...why shouldn't he offer the same to you?

He's said he's sorry but he has not asked for forgiveness. I have to wait. There is a withdrawl period right? How can he see me when he's in mourning.

Affairs are like addictions. You are quite right that remorse comes after the withdrawal period...so do your best to be patient in that regard. Are you two seeing a counselor? If not, why not? Marriages survive infidelity everyday....but they often fail in recovery because there is NO recovery plan. That is what I sense here...no real recovery plan.

I want to hurt myself but I can't. I want to hit my head against the wall, I want to punch out a window, I want to run until I collapse, I want to sit in the cold. I am 5 months pregnant so I can't do all of these things. I have mentioned these feeling to H and I think it'll be best to tell my OBGYN today after the ultrasound. Am I normal?

Of course you are normal...we all want to die when we find out this horror. But your level of depression is scaring me...and again...I want to encourage you to seek counseling. Please for your health and that of your baby.

My husband has a hard time expressing himself. We've started reading a book together, "Courage to Love - When Marriage Hurts" and I hope this will give us some communicating tools.

Your marriage is DEEP CRISIS...and self help books are great but will fall FAR SHORT of the training and help the two of you need to rebuild your marriage. Please contact the Harleys, or cerri to help you put a real recovery plan in place.

Since D-Day we've spent about 2 hours each day talking about us. Is this too much time?

Someone mentioned you can't talk to much...actually you can. Relationship talks are often lovebusters to some partners. My husband would rather eat nails. Talk and spend time together...but try to make alot of the conversations about more than just the relationship.

Tonight our daughter is at my parents house. We'll have a night alone. Dinner, some serious conversation, hopefully some fun.

Yes, do have fun.

I need to remember that he's chosen me. I am his first choice.

Yes...and he needs to help you rebuild trust and security, by following the extra ordinary precautions to avoid is former lover:

*write a no contact letter
*change his cell phone
*be accountable for time, money and open his life to scrutiny. Give you his passwords for his email accounts...show you the cell phone bills.
*he needs to commit to marriage counseling
*if this is a work related affair...he needs to look for a new job or at the very least...new department.

But I am so tired. I am so sad, so small. I need him to take the lead in our recovery for a bit but he's not ready. It's so hard to welcome him back into my life and pick myself off of the floor after being kicked in the gut, but this is what I must do.

He CANNOT take the lead in recovery when he is in withdrawal....just another reason why you need a good coach.


When I cry is that a love buster?

Some men do see crying as a lovebuster. What do you think your H thinks about it?

When we shared a lovey night together and the next day I find him with someone else, how can I not feel that my love means nothing? How can I not cry?

I cried away from my husband....like you...I HAD to cry...but I realized that when I was with him...I need to control my emotions more...so that we could logically deal with the mess that our marriage was. If you must cry...then do. I feel for you dear...I truly do. Pregnancy only makes all of this so much more difficult. I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you it will all be okay...it can be...but you must be smart and strong.

We've been married for three years with a second child on the way. Our marriage will survive, but I need courage, strength, and support. Help?

You've come to the right place for support...but you need help from people with more training. This is a complicated situation...and I am very worried about your health and state of mind. It will get better as you get more time past this. Stay strong...I will put you and your babies in my prayers. (((((((((((Loy))))))))))))))))))

Day 5:

Last night was a good night. After the ultrasound we talked at home for about two hours. It was a very calm and learning conversation. Then, we went out to a fun restaurant and talked some more. We had a nice time, were able to talk and comfort each other. There was a little laughing too. We are going to start dating, going on dates at least once a week. We have planned out times for us to talk during the week and on Sunday we will go to dinner and a play.

What I've discovered about the A. They talked everyday and saw each other a couple of times a week. She filled his emotional needs and recreational needs. They would play cards, talk, get drinks, and sometimes rent movies. H said in many ways it was how it was like when we started dating. H confirmed that it was just kissing and foldeling - this took me a while to get out from him.

Star*fish, I know you think it was more and that sex was involved, but I don't know that. I know what H tells me. I asked him if he had sex with her, he said no. I asked him if they had oral sex, he said no. I asked him if there was fondeling of breasts and his penis and he said yes. H lost his virginity to me, it took us quite a long time to become intimate, H has only had two months of "dating" with the OW. They met last September and the dating began in January. How would you find out if your spouse is lying about this?

Also, star*fish do you think we read about how to end an affair? No. It wasn't until day 4 that I learned of the recommendation that you should not say good bye in person. I told my H that he romanticized their good-bye and it didn't help anyone for it to be that long. But, that is a mistake and I didn't know any better at the time. I will not beat myself up about that.

I don't think I need to know more about the affair. I need H to know the terrible risks of working with OW. He must avoid her. The recommendation this site makes to move to another state is silly, especially when my entire family and his entire family are here. I refuse to remove us from our greatest support groups so that is why I need H to avoid her at all costs. He says he understands this but I don't think he realizes the full implication yet. I will give him time and monitor the situation.

I am not a doormat. If I was a weak doormat I would take the easy road and walk away. If I did not have courage I wouldn't fight for my husband and my family. I am a strong woman, stronger than I knew. So while I have moments of despair, my faith is growing and saving me. I "understood" that God loves me before but now I know He loves me and that I need that love and forgiveness. I have faith in my marriage but know faith must be followed by action.

I am not on the brink of a break down. This is the most intense thing that has ever happened to me and we will talk to clergy. We will see people together, not alone. My grandma got a divorce after seeing a counselor (a church recommended counselor) alone.

Recovery takes time and patience. I was using this message board to vent my frustrations and fears. My frustrations and fears are not who I am, but venting them is healing.

I cannot fix everything in one day. We must learn how to fix things together. Right now, I will make our home a nice place to be (save myself from trying too hard to please him while he's in withdrawl). We will learn about each other again and BE together again.

I expect set-backs but already we are learning more about each other and how we failed to communicate than I thought possible in 5 days. We did not realize our failures to communicate we only saw the symptoms.

Something else: H is afraid our child may be a boy and turn out just tike him. He doesn't want to have a son. H's father had an A that resulted in another child and ended his marriage. My H is now afraid he's become his dad and this will pass onto any son of his. H would've never mentioned this concern to me before. He hid all fears, and concerns from me and as a result he hid himself.

Question: I am 29, H is 28, OW is about 24. I am pretty sure she has no one to talk to about this. I would like to e-mail her information on this site about "The Lovers Perspective on Infidelity." It will help her to know that she is not alone and it will teach her about the importance of breaking it off. What do you think?

Thank you for your prayers, book recommendations, and advice. I will check in later.

Loy,

Please don't assume that I believe your H has had sex with this person...I know nothing of the sort. Nor do I want you "to beat yourself up about ANY of this". However, I am doing my very best to protect you in every way I know how....by anticipating problems and being realistic about what you need to do. If that makes you a little angry...I'm okay with that as long as it also makes you think and keep your eyes wide open.

Look at the number of posts I have on this site...that will give you some idea of the kind of experience I have dealing with these issues every single day. I have survived two affairs and been in marital recovery for two years. Everyone thinks their situation is unique...and to some degree they are...but they are also FRIGHTENINGLY similar. On top of that...I am currently completing my certification to be a marriage coach for SYMC and right now mentor and serve as intermediary for couples in crisis. I gave you my opinions based on my experience....but NO ONE knows your husband like YOU do.

I am very happy for you that you and he are beginning to work on the things necessary to rebuild your marriage...and that you are confident in the level of honesty you have recieved from him. That is a real blessing. In spite of that....I still urge you to see your doctor for your own peace of mind since you were pregnant during the course of this affair. That is good and sound advice. You may think that moving to another state for instance sounds drastic...since all of your family is here....but affairs are often like addictions and there are plenty plenty of instances where that is precisely what was necessary to save many marriages. Some of the things I said may anger/bother you....but I promise you that they were said with the deepest regard for you personally and it took a great deal of my time to respond to you in the manner that I did. I do not profess to know everything...but I have have put in hundreds of hours towards my training...and I know more about infidelity than most people would ever care to know. I spend everyday talking to people who are in crisis.

As far as the OW...no contact is the best. It's not your responsiblity to educate her...though I love the fact that you have such a forgiving heart. She must find her own way...and any contact could really backfire for you. Don't take the risk. If you know any friends of hers...and want to pass some information to her indirectly...that might be okay.

I send my sincerest wish for continued progress in your marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Loy -

I tried passing that information on to the OW, who is single, and I thought my "best friend," and she responded with a very nasty email back to me that she was not married and didn't need any courseling or help. I told her if she had opened the link and read, it was about her, but she was not interested.

I believe she is in the fog as much as my WH, and she is not interested in being educated, especially by me.

That was my personal experience, and unfortunately, as you have heard, so many of our experiences here are frighteningly similar.

Amy

Day 6:

Yesterday was difficult. I was in meetings all day and presented at the Capitol where there were old friends and really had to control myself.

But then there were times when I was very mentally engaged and didn't think about it.

Amy Maree, I agree with you. Contacting the OW, even if to direct her to this site is a dumb idea. My head said, "leave her alone" my mother instinct said, "poor thing." I will pray for her, as I pray for all of us and thus my mother instinct will be quenched.

Star*fish, thank you for your posts and your concern for me. I appreciate them both. But it was overwhelming to get so much advice all at once. Baby steps. However, more background:

The A was a very short lived thing, starting shortly after New Years. I know when they met (I was there), I know when I got pregnant (early October), and I know when my physical relationship stopped with my husband (Christmas Eve). H was very much an emotional affair, he only realized he was in love with her in January and while he was in love, their relationship was not yet ready to advance to sex. This is how my husband is when he's in love. He needs his courting to be sex free, because if it happens too soon the act is cheap. I know, he used to love me. We fell in love once too. This is the clearest reasoning I can do right now on his physical relationship with her.

I am thankful that I discovered the affair as early as I did. What an odd blessing. I learned last night that he tried to break it off with her a couple of times.

We talked last night about when our relationship started falling apart (summer). Only 10 months ago H was sure he had the happiest marriage in town. We really started analyzing how our unmet needs pushed us further and further away.

H is learning how to share his feelings and thoughts with me again and I with him. I need him to share with me how he is really doing. I don't want him to protect me anymore from his feelings, struggles, and fears. I won't protect him from who I am either. We are no longer afraid of arguments/frank discussions. Safe discussions are small hurts that can protect you from greater suffering.

H is in the withdrawal period right now. I'm glad that it's started. He is focusing on a few things: OW hates him and wouldn't take him back (I think she would but he needs to believe right now she hates him), our children, and as he said, "the opportunity to restore our marriage."

Winston Churchill said, "Pessimists see challenges in every opportunity. Optimists see opportunity in every challenge." We are going to be optimists (in between crying and varying degrees of depression and hope).

Sometimes he needs to be close to me, sometimes he needs to be alone. I am not trying to fill his love bank yet, just trying to have safe and open discussions about what went wrong and our faith in marriage. We both have different love busters and respond to them in different ways and in this way the avalanche builds.

He is sorry, but he's not ready yet to ask for forgiveness because he's in too much withdrawal pain.

The counselor has been a tricky item. H really doesn't want to see anyone we know, but we both want a referral from a place we respect. The priest at my parents church is leaving in a few weeks for another country. I am going to ask him for a referral today. I also think that at some point and time we both should go to confession. I think it could be very healing for H and myself.

The hardest thing sometimes is not succumbing to self pity and self abuse. I never knew how gifted I was at punishing myself until this past week. Also, I never knew how clean my house could get. This must be a part of the self abuse? Actually cleaning has been very healing. I feel that I'm in control of something, I'm making the house pleasant for all of us, and making the bed makes me feel as if each day is a new start.

There are a few things I am going to do to help myself feel better about who I am:
1. Share my kindness and generosity with friends and family. Take an interest in others.
2. Behave in a way that I admire.
3. Become better at photography. Take a class and read books.
4. Spend as much time with H as possible.
5. H thinks it would be good for me to not isolate myself at home when he is working at night. He thinks it hurts me. I will spend time with friends at least once every other week. H is right, this will be good for me and hopefully he'll see how I'm willing to change.

It was easier to get up this morning and I didn't wake up and cry at night. Baby steps.
I know there will be set backs but I have faith.

Talk to you again soon.

Day 6 continued:

H just called me at work. He's been reading all of the material I printed from this site again and is telling me about his withdrawl. He said it's like if I lost my mother. He hates looking at himself in the mirror, feels guilt, and has to continually fight the urge to call her. He said it's an addiction. Although he had tried to break it off before he just couldn't do it.

I also found out that their friendship/ recreational companionship period began in November. This makes sense since he didn't realize he was in love with her until January - which is when they kissed for the first time. I think he was in denial about how much he concealed from me. Is this the FOG?

I am so thankful I discovered his addiction early on. I know he's going through pain and loss, but I am glad he's letting me be here for him. I am glad he's fighting for our marriage and calling me to talk over his discoveries about A's and how he's dealing with withdrawl. I know he calls me when he wants to call her and am thrilled he's letting me fill her role.

Anyway, each day brings new understanding.

Loy,

You are an incredibly strong woman. I've always thought...that there are few women strong enough to help their husband's get through withdrawal. It is a selfless time...a hard time. Typically the first three weeks are very bad....after three months...it is so much better and continues to climb. Affairs act just like addictions, and you are very fortunate that he trusts you enough to call you instead. That is rare...as you are rare. I can't remember EVER saying this to anyone...but there are a FEW special marriages...where something like this can be a huge opportunity to grow....and build an exceptional marriage. This was a wake up call....perhaps directed by God...to point the two of you down the path of success. I can see that you have no intention of wasting it. Please stick around and as you succeed...and I have no doubt you will...help others who are losing hope and are unable to see that the phoenix can rise from the asses.

Blessings to you.

You are lucky, Loy. My WH will not let me do that. Of course, when he might have been open to it I displayed angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, and was very demanding. You sound much more level-headed than I. Please give yourself a LOT of credit for being able to do what you have done in such a short period of time.

You are awesome. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You inspire me. Thank you.

Amy

good luck loy!
cliff

Day 7:

Last night I purchased three books for us, Surviving An Affair, His Needs Her Needs, and Not Just Friends. I wanted to get some different tips on survivng an affair than the ones provided by the Hurleys for comparrison purposes.

I read Survivng An Affair last night and it really didn't make me feel good or optimistic about the withdrawl period. Those in withdrawl are so vulnerable and becuase my future is in his hands, I am vulnerable too. I just pray that she stays away from us.

We continue to have good talks, non emotional and very matter of fact. H isn't sure he'd tell me if she'd call. H's honesty reveals that he could lie to me again, which is helpful. He's not pretending that he's stronger than he is but it sounds like he's controlling the lure of an affair.

However, in talking he also mentioned that if he got remarried and if I got remarried, both of our spouses would love our children. I reminded him that his monther never remarried after his dad's A, and while his dad did remarry, it wasn't with the other woman. He said, I know.

Our daughter has a cold and she woke up in the middle of the night crying. She is only 16 months old. H was with her for a while but when he got frusterated I took over. I was up with her from 3 - 4 a.m. Then from 4 - 4:30 a.m. I cried in the basement. It's in the middle of the night when I am most vulnerable to distructive thoughts. When I got back into bed I wispered an apology to my H for not taking better care of him and told him that I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He said something comforting (I can't remember cause it was so early in the monring) and held me. I didn't know he was awake.

It's so tough each day knowing that my H is in love with another woman and all I can do is provide love and support and pray that he falls out of love with her.

Today he has already called me several times, once to talk about how we were doing, once to give me an update on the new book he was reading "Not Just Friends" and some of it's stratgies of distancing yourself from a lover and the necessary ground rules for if you ever have to be in contact with them. He is interested in seeing what the book has to say about children whose parents have had affairs (remember, this is him).

I told him about a Retroville weekend and he decided he wanted to go, but next month was too soon. He thinks he'll need around two months (withdrawl) before he's in a better place to work on our relationship.

Important note: He might fanaticize about a relationship with her but he's planning on a relationship for us.

Anyway, he said he'd go in April with me and that the program sounded good.

Two months is a long time, but I know it'll be longer if there is a relapse. Dear God grant us both the strength, wisdom and courage to survive and grow together.

Thank you guys for your support. It means a lot knowing that you think we can get through this.

Loy -

All of that sounds so encouraging to me. Just remember, that according to Dr. Harley, WH will not "fall out of love with her." He never fell out of love with you, either. OW simply made more Love Unit Deposits than you did. That is what Plan A is for you - to make as many deposits in as short a period of time as possible - turn his head from OW toward yourself.

You know your H best. Read "His Needs Her Needs" to get this valuable information.

Do not be discouraged. This is all new and difficult for you. But you have strong faith, and are very smart, and there is hope for all of us.

Keep posting and reading and praying and hoping. We are here for you!

Love, Amy

Day 11:

Tonight we are going to take a break from discussing things. WH now has daughter's cold. I think I am spared this nasty cold because of "amazing pregnancy immune systems." We are going to watch a movie with two of our married friends.

This weekend was busy. H was on TV Saturday morning for work and did a very nice job. I told him he did a nice job. I've been trying to give him compliments that he'll accept as honest.

I told H that I knew if all things were equal he would've chosen OW - but that all things aren't. We share children, extended family, history, dreams, and a home. He said that it's not necessarily true regarding the "all things being equal" statement. I don't know what that means.

A girlfriend of mine had dinner with us Saturday and then we went to see H's new play. Very good show and then we went out with the cast. Daughter spent the night with my parents.

Sunday the cast told H how intelligent, funny, and pretty I am. One of the women said I looked like a 40's film star (not bad for a woman who's 5 months pregnant). H said it made him feel like a chump or schlep that everyone thought I was wonderful in comparison to how he treated me. I guess it was really hard to receive so many compliments on his wife.

Sunday night H and I went to dinner and a play. During dinner we had a very even and controlled conversation about the A. I had told him that there are things I need to know to understand the depth of his withdrawal and that I'm afraid if he doesn't talk about it the A will become romanticized.

We were both supportive and in control. Here is what I found out:

1. They talked about marriage and our divorce. * I asked H why he isn't pursuing a relationship with OW and he believes any future they would have together would be tainted with guilt. Also, he mentioned that we have a deep love, history and understanding. So he's not "in love" with me, but he has a deep love for me. But they did imagine their future together. Now I think withdrawal will take longer than a few weeks.

2. He told me that he's trying to be brave but that I shouldn't think he isn't suffering very much. He is having a harder time that he lets on.

3. He told me that he is not afraid of hard work and that he is prepared to work hard on our marriage and do what is necessary. I thanked him for that and reassured him that I am 100% committed to our marriage.

Sunday night when we went to bed and H put his arms around me and I started to cry. H is monogamous and so while in love with her he can't be physical with me. It's been so long since he's kissed me passionately and wanted to touch me. I hope this isn't a LB but I told him how hard it is for me to know that in our bed, I'm his second choice. He holds me and I want him to hold me, but I know he would prefer to hold her, caress her, and touch her eagerly.

I'm not an image of sexuality right now. I'm 5 months pregnant. I told him that I feel like it'll be another 8 months before anyone could ever want me again. I told him that I wish I wasn't pregnant.

By the end of this H had let go and turned his back to me. I turned on the light and looked at him. He was curled up and hiding from me. I told him I was sorry for saying what I did. I didn't mean to hurt him but I wanted him to know what was difficult for me. I told him that he's a good father and brother and friend and that I love him very much. He said he's not a good father and then he opened up about how he doesn't want the baby and how guilty he feels.

I think this is the big crux of our marriage issues. As soon as I became pregnant all of our problems amplified and he turned away from me and sought out OW. He wanted to hide my pregnancy for as long as possible and I think he was hiding from me. I represented this huge new responsibility that terrified him and he was afraid and ashamed to confess his feelings about the pregnancy.

Anyway, I told him that when we share our fears, especially those we are ashamed of, we can comfort each other. This is the time for us to turn to each other and not run away. I told him that the baby will never know how we feel right now. The baby is healthy and will not suffer from our pre-birth fears. We can help each other. Then I put his hand on my belly so he could feel the kicking.

I am resigned to no physical relationship with H for at least a month. Worst case scenario, 8 months. I'm going to try and take it one week at a time. But every time I see someone kiss passionately or flirt I realize I can't inspire my H to touch me intimately and I feel the rejection. I feel ugly and unwanted. How long will it take before H looks on me with passion?

This withdrawal period is tough. I'm afraid he's going to slip and call her. I'm ever watchful. I think I'll be a bit paranoid for a while. He is very understanding about that need. For now we're trying to spend time together and be busy. So tonight friends are coming over, going to a athletic event Wednesday night, and I'm going to start planning for the weekend soon. I have arranged for a babysitter during the Retroville (sp?) weekend in April and we are trying to be patient.

Any comments? How does this sound to you?

I hope someone will answer this, I think perhaps I should rename my post to get a response.

Is it too early for a Marriage Counselor? Does WH need to be further along in withdrawl?

On another note:I checked his cell phone records and he has not called her since NC was established. I told him I checked the records. He was fine with that. They certainly kept in contact for the past few months. He called her on my birthday. I'm going to check our home phone records as well but not sure how to do it. Tips? I know her phone number, H provided it to me. I think it's ok to play dectective for a while.

We continue to have good conversations, support each other, and go out on dates.

I miss SF, or even just being kissed with passion. H wants us to fall in love again and courting comes first, but I guilt and shame are big barriers. I don't know how to place his feelings for another woman in this equation.

I am still following your story, Loy. I understand how upsetting the lack of SF and "in love" is. On the other side of the coin, I would LOVE to hear my WH say he is committed to our marriage.

We all have our own challenges. As my jouney progresses, I'm sure I will be saying the same things.

Now is NOT too soon for MC!!! Now is GREAT! Make an appointment, with a GOOD MC, ASAP. Read the link on this site to what to look for in a good MC, or hire the Harleys, or Cerri is a marriage coach.

When looking for a MC, basically you are looking for someone with training and experience with couples, not IC looking for new clients. The practices are very different, and you don't want to lose anything you have gained. So choose wisely. Possibly, even post a question regarding this issue.

It sounds like you have a great chance for recovery. About the phone, I have heard a couple other posters talk about a voice-activated recorder you can plug into any unused phone jack. I don't know about this personally, but I have read it here a few times. I hope nobody gets mad that I passed on that information.

And lastly, have you been reading the Recovery Boards? You might find more in common with those people over there. That sounded bad. "Them there people over there!" But you know what I mean.

The Recovery board is people in all stages of recovery. And they talk about withdrawal over there quite a bit, too. Try posting there, as well. But keep posting here! I'll follow you all over the boards. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are doing awesome. Keep posting. BTW, you could be a writer! You are very fluent, and engaging.

Hugs and love! Amy