Hello all. It has been quite some time since I’ve been on here… much less posted. Yet I feel compelled to provide a bit of an update and ask the proverbial question of… “Now what?”…which, by the way, is open for anyone who wants to answer. Ok, on to the update.

We are rapidly coming up on the 6 month mark since this whole thing started and at times the pain is as fresh as if it was yesterday. Some days are better than other of course, but it is especially bad when WW has the kids. She has the kids for the next couple of days, and hence, I’m having a bit of a bummer day. Having read a few times that these A’s usually last between 6 months and 2 years… I am keeping an eye peeled for cracks in the armor. Hoping that this thing will unravel fairly soon.

So much has happened in the last couple of months that it is hard to find a place to start, so I will just hit the highlights. Basically the WW has all but moved in with the OM (still two doors down from me). Her car is parked there ever single night that she doesn’t have the kids. They (the kids) ask why she is there every day on the way to daycare. She brings the kids around this guy whenever she gets the chance and much to my feeling of dismay… the kids don’t seem to mind all that much. The kids do pray for mommy (not something that I push… my 4 yo does this on his own) and tell me they want us to be a family again. I have run out of things to say to them. Right now we are in the middle of a temporary custody battle. Her attorney set up a court date but hadn’t filed papers yet… so we beat them to the punch. I think I have a pretty good shot at getting the custody. She has been incredibly irresponsible with the kids, and this guy has a domestic assault conviction from a few years ago. At the very least I don’t want her to be able to bring the kids around him. We are progressing through the divorce process and there seems to be no stopping with her intentions of permanently leaving our marriage.

The hardest part of this is what I know this is doing to the kids. I think she has done a pretty good job of getting me to not want her anymore. But the issue of the kids is another matter. I just do not understand how a mother could so willingly do this to her own children. They are 2 and 4 and are so impressionable right now. I don’t get it.

Here is my question, for give me for it being such a long winded question… it is, I think, a complicated issue:

How am I supposed to parent through al of this? More specifically, how am I supposed to teach them right from wrong when their mother is doing almost everything that I would teach them is wrong. I don’t want them to think that I’m saying their mom is a bad person, but that her behavior is bad. How can I point to her and say “don’t do that” when she says to them that it isn’t bad or wrong at all? This is a question of generalities of course, but it has happened on a few specific occasions. She thinks I’m attacking her by telling the kids that a certain action is wrong and not in line with our values, yet they see mom doing it and she says it is ok. The kids are very young and I try to shield them from as much of this as possible, but take the issue of acting like a raving lunatic. Several times my WW has completely flipped out at me in front of the kids. Swearing and giving me the finger, just generally acting out with not only no consequences but justification for it being ok. How am I supposed to teach the kids what is right and what is wrong? How do I tell them that shacking up with someone is wrong?... mom is doing it, and she is still married to me? How do I teach them that smoking is bad when mom does it right in front of them (a fairly recent behavior change)? How do I teach them that they don’t walk out on their family and marriage, mom did it and is full of reasons why it was ok? Obviously some of this stuff won’t be an issue for a few years to come, but they are developing their value system right now. How am I supposed to be successful at raising good kids when she is standing there telling them that what I say isn’t true?

This woman is still acting like a raging nut case towards me. She is so filled with hate and anger that there is literally no hope for cooperation on her part. My request for such was met with her trying to take the kids away from me. What did any of you guys do?

In conclusion to this long and rambling post (sorry), I still think I love my wife. I would take her back in a second (assuming she met the conditions…. Yadda, yadda, yadda) if for no other reason than for the kids. I can’t imagine a day when I won’t be filled with resent and bitterness… or a day when I could ever trust her again… but I would try like hell for the sake of the kids. I really miss being a family and want THAT back. I’m trying to keep no contact, although at this point it seems more than futile. What now?

I don't think you have to worry at all about what to tell your little ones. You are showing them by example. You are a good man. Don't concentrate on what WW is doing. Just keep doing what you are doing. That is more powerful than any words.

WMWB,

I'm sad that there has been no improvement in your situation...especially for those babies. One tiny silver lining....cerri loves when they move in together. This guy sounds like no prize...the more time she spends with him...the sooner she will figure that out. Give them enough rope to hang themselves okay. And take good care of the little guys until their mommy makes it back into her body...right now she's been possessed by an alien.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

WMWB:

She has been incredibly irresponsible with the kids, and this guy has a domestic assault conviction from a few years ago. At the very least I don’t want her to be able to bring the kids around him.

And she tried to get an RO from you? If she accused you of doing this and is now with a man who definitely did this, that goes to show the kind of woman she is. It doesn't say much for her track record, does it? That lawyer of hers better be good if he is going to prove that her current situation is better than yours for raising children.

{{{{{{{{WMWB}}}}}}}} Just in case you need one.

Believer is right. Focus their attention on your behaviour, not hers. With such a great dad, they'll be OK.

Thanks guys... that helps allot. Today is going much better than yesterday. I can't believe how angry and nasty she is to me still. It is about as bad as it has been so far, I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can't believe how angry and nasty she is to me still. It is about as bad as it has been so far, I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well for many WSs they engage in transferrence. By that they transfer all their negative feelings about the affair to the BS since the BS is symbolic of them doing what their concious and morals say is wrong.

Its a warped way of shooting the messenger because you didn't like the message.

WMWB,

Ok, you actually asked some questions for which the answer is simple, and I do mean simple. Things won't be easy.

The simple answer is you teach your kids right from wrong by NOT TOLERATING wrong.

When she goes off, remove yourself and kids from the situation and tell her you will NOT communicate with her if she acts that way. If you don't like the smoking and think it is bad for the kids health, tell her so and make her smoke outside. Go to court on this if you have to.

In every situation you don't like, stand up and voice your objections and the reasons why. You can do this without LB'ing, but it sounds like you will get a fight. In that case FIGHT for you children.

Kids learn by watching their parents. You cannot make her love you, stay away from OM, or even stay married to her, but you don't have to tolerate her disrespect and you sure don't want your kids growing up thinking they have to tolerate such behavior. Tell her that as well.

I do hope your lawyer is successful in getting the kids away from the OM. He is NOT the type of person you want around children. Frankly, it doesn't sound like you W is much of a prize in this regard either.

So, step back and realize it is "simple", but it won't be "easy". Talk with your lawyer about strategies to handle these situations.

God Bless,

JL

Hello guys, hope everyone had a good weekend. Just Learning, I think you are right in that I should simply not tolerate that kind of behavior from either her or the kids. Lead by example… that is what you are saying, right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Next question… Now what, in regards to my WW? I still have feelings of love for her and really want us to be a family again. She seems so content with her life though. I called to say good night to the kids last night and we had a nice conversation for about 20 minutes. I had to end it though when she made the comment that she was happy we could talk like this because I had been her best friend for 5 years and now I was gone. I can’t exactly explain why, but that comment mad me so angry and so sad that I had to let her go. The second I hung up it was like someone had turned on the faucet… I haven’t cried like that over her in a long time. This comment was made in such a manner that she seemed to not take any responsibility for what happened. She made it sound like she was an innocent victim, like I left her or something. It hurt to hear that and it really pissed me off!!!

I guess what I’m really wondering is, at this point we are in the middle of a divorce… she isn’t showing any intentions of changing this (in fact she is taking the steps to keep it moving). I feel like a fool trying to hold on, like I’m sticking my head in the sand trying to avoid the inevitable. Do I try to stick to plan B and end contact with her or do I just resign myself to trying to be her friend and hope that in the future we can give it another run? I really don’t want to be her friend under these circumstances, I want to be her husband.

I don’t know.. maybe I’m just venting here, but I feel terribly conflicted. I went to bed last night wanting nothing more than to be a family with her again… and woke up this morning thinking that she isn’t worth this. That I can do better and deserve better. I have gone back and forth about a hundred time this morning. Is this normal…!?!?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hi WMWB:

{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}

Anybody can correct me if I'm wrong...I believe Cerri's adivce is to maintain Plan B until 6 months after the D, then go from there.

she was happy we could talk like this because I had been her best friend for 5 years and now I was gone.

It's amazing how the WS can leave you and then try to tell you how you left them? Go figure.

WMWB,

Ok, If you are in plan B don't talk with her. You need to deal with things yourself in this matter.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess what I’m really wondering is, at this point we are in the middle of a divorce… she isn’t showing any intentions of changing this (in fact she is taking the steps to keep it moving). I feel like a fool trying to hold on, like I’m sticking my head in the sand trying to avoid the inevitable. Do I try to stick to plan B and end contact with her or do I just resign myself to trying to be her friend and hope that in the future we can give it another run? I really don’t want to be her friend under these circumstances, I want to be her husband.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, here is my take on this. If you divorce you will NEVER EVER be friends with her. What you can do however is be "friendly" when you have to deal with her about your children. YOU don't need friends like her, she will friends like you however, becuase you are honest, steadfast, and caring. EVERYONE wants friends like that, but she and OM won't be that good of friends either, and certainly NOT with you.

That is my take on this. So if you are in plan B, stay there. When/IF you divorce, then again only communicate about the kids when necessary,otherwise move on in your life. You will need friends, but not friends that will lie to you, stab you in the back, and cheat you out of love or money. You don't need friends like that.

AGain it is simple, but it is NOT easy.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don’t know.. maybe I’m just venting here, but I feel terribly conflicted. I went to bed last night wanting nothing more than to be a family with her again… and woke up this morning thinking that she isn’t worth this. That I can do better and deserve better. I have gone back and forth about a hundred time this morning. Is this normal…!?!?!? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi. I have a question... is Cerri still around? I know I've been away for a couple of months, but i come back and don't recognize hardly anyone. What happened?

Anyway, last night was ok. I picked up the kids we had a fun time playing before bed. I didn't talk to the WW when she called, I just let my kids say good night. I think I'm going to give the no contact fo plan B another run. Her car was parked over there again last night... that is still rough to see. I'm still not over wanting to do serious harm to the OM. He is so smug and arrogant... I really, really wan tto hurt him. I hope that feeling goes away someday, I kow it isn't healthy to be focusing on him or those negative feelings. Everytime I see him i just want to run him over... is that wrong? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm still not over wanting to do serious harm to the OM. He is so smug and arrogant... I really, really wan tto hurt him. I hope that feeling goes away someday, I kow it isn't healthy to be focusing on him or those negative feelings. Everytime I see him i just want to run him over... is that wrong?

Those feelings aren't wrong. Following through on them would be. I guess you have to ask yourself is he really worth your effort and aggravation? Also, if you did, what would your WW do? Would it score you any brownie points or would it be an LB?

Ok... forget everything I've previously said about still wanting my wife... this is it.. I give up. That @sshole can have her.

We are in a little custody battle here and I just got her affidavit about why she thinks she should get the kids... It is one outright lie after another. She makes me out to be the worst parent alive. Right down to saying that I don't even bring my kids into daycare, i just leave them on the sidewalk and drive away.... Yeah, right!!!!! Wouldn't that be child endangerment? Wouldn't you think that the daycare provider would call child services if I didn something like that? I can't wait to talk to the daycare teachers about this...

I hate her... it is official... I hate her. This is just too much.

<small>[ February 25, 2004, 02:17 PM: Message edited by: SAB ]</small>

You sound so angry and rightly so.

It's time to breathe....

Remember it's her A's job to make you into the worst parent ever in front of the judge. Now, it's time to fight for your kids.

<small>[ February 25, 2004, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: SAB ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SAB:
<strong> Now, it's time to fight for your kids. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh I will... she is in for the fight of her life here.

Don't hate her. Feel sorry for her. I like to think our wives truly aren't totally aware of what they are doing and the horrible effect their actions are having on their children.

Of course, this should not stop you from fighting for your children. I may have to be in this same situation soon.

Shaken

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Want My Wife Back???:
<strong> Ok... forget everything I've previously said about still wanting my wife... this is it.. I give up. That @sshole can have her.

We are in a little custody battle here and I just got her affidavit about why she thinks she should get the kids... It is one outright lie after another. She makes me out to be the worst parent alive. Right down to saying that I don't even bring my kids into daycare, i just leave them on the sidewalk and drive away.... Yeah, right!!!!! Wouldn't that be child endangerment? Wouldn't you think that the daycare provider would call child services if I didn something like that? I can't wait to talk to the daycare teachers about this...

I hate her... it is official... I hate her. This is just too much. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I just remembered something I read here once. The best revenge is to be happy. Here's wishing you happiness.

Yeah, ok... be happy. I'll give that a shot... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

She just called to tell me that her and the OM are goig out of town this weekend and that she would call with her hotel room number incase there is an emergency and I need to get ahold of her. All I said was "Have fun." in a cheery voice. I wanted to add "...you whore.", but I didn't.

You know, i used to feel sorry for her. If you go back and read soem of my early posts, I was filled with hope that she would come back and everything could be ok... but I tell you, over the last few months my love for her has dwindled so much that there is only a flicker of light left. I find myself hating her far more often than I can even tolerate her... much less feel any love for her. I have a hard time figuring out what is the real her. Was she lying to me all these years and this is the real her? Or was the wife I had the real her and this "her" is just due to the A? I can't tell. Talking to some of her frinds from before we were married, it sounds like this is how she was before we met... maybe this was all inevitable, maybe there never was any hope for her to come home. She has told me several times that she never felt like she could be her real self around me... maybe this is the real her? This would be so much easier if we didn't have kids... Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my kids for anything in the world, they are the most important things in the world to me. I just wish I had picked a better mother for them.

WMWB,

Go over to the EN board and post to GSN who can point you in the direction of some advocacy groups for fathers. You need good defense. Start looking now okay?

(((((((((((WMWB))))))))))))))))