**edit**
I think I am in the state of mine... maybe it is the right one to be in order to save myself.

No, I have Yahoo instant messenger.

My email is **edit**

Well, you know you best. HOWEVER, I have been corresponding with you for a while, and this is not the Harudah I have come to know. That is my concern.

I am certainly not trying to argue with you about what is best for you - because you do know that.

I just feel that as your new friend, it is my "job" to be there for you to bounce thoughts and ideas and feelings off of. And to also ask you tough questions when I see gaping holes in your "logic."

Because right now you are driven 100% by feelings. And as we have all learned, feelings lie. That is how our WS get into trouble in the first place!

Type at me more. What time is it there, for the third time??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Amy

What time is it there? Right now its 8.51

And have you stopped drinking? yes I have. i am just typing to you guys.

Can we at least talk about writing him a letter?
No letter, I am done. I've internalized everything. It's been over a month now... ok 6 weeks to be exact after he confessed..
I think it's cool. I'm done. i am talking to my brother who knows nothing about the affair.. and I will remain quiet about it when I get home. NO matter what anyone ask me.

I've learned to keep my emotions to myself, and will not allow anyone to see me weak. I will be fine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ... REALLY!

Amy -

I think it is time for some more cyber-slapping.

Believer -

I am instant-messaging with her right now.

WH is there reading our conversations. I'll keep you posted.

Amy

ha ha you girls are great!

WOW! ya'll trying to keep me sane! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> so sweet, so kind.. so loving. Like last night.. I had a wonderful night with him. We danced, sang, and wowwwwwwwww..yeah.. THEN TODAY!!!!

Everyone went to hell.. I'm going to calm down girls. I just feel the need to fulfill myself. If I make a decision now, it will be good. I will have a goal in life.

Tamara
Some good advice given to me was not to make snap decisions. Especially when you have been drinking and are so emotional.

Sleep on it, or take a few days to calm down. You might be right and best thing is to leave. But in your current state, you may act and be sorry later. Flying home will still be possible once you have calmly thought this through.

If you fly home now, and then you rethink this when you are a bit calmer, you will be a long way away and less able to work through this with your H.

It sounds like you had already been thinking this through.

It is possible, just possible that your H did not contact. The message came from her.

Your husband should have told you that she tried to message him. This is his mistake. He needs to take measures to protect you and ensure that you feel safe. He should block her number, or change phone number.

He also should write no contact letter and you two should work out ways for him to rebuild trust and protect you from this sort of thing.

It might be the right thing for you to leave, but please wait a little until you are able to think clearly

Thinking of you
C&S

Ok,

I'm a little stupid right now,so bear with me. I am not going to do what I "FEEL" right now. I am going to wait like I promised Amy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm going to have some water, sleep.. and see a doc tommorow morning. Thank you once again.

H says he doesn't want to go to work because he thinks that I'm going to leave. I told him that I wouldn't. He needs this time at work. I need his time at work.

Hugs everyone*

Im pleased you have taken the time to think rationally.

Its good in a way that he thinks you are going to leave: he now sees that his actions may have consequences, and this may motivate him to truly end contact, if he has been lying.

Maybe if he does stay at home you will be able to do some extended talking, rather than you being left alone with your thoughts and the alcohol.

Sending my love

Harudah -

Hope you are getting some much needed sleep and peace.

I don't know what happened today, but several members here are in crisis.

Sweet dreams baby girl.

He went to work, now its 10:00.. I have an 11:30 class. I wanted to wake up, but he told me he put the clock for 8:30, but he lied and put it for 9:30 so i can sleep more. I don't know why he does things like that. Anyways he held me all last night while I was sleeping. Yes I was tired, I sleep. I cannot help but to feel lost and confused at this time.

I am going to class, but I don't know why. I am not going to make it through. I know it. I'd like to just get credits, but I can't. I am giving up.

I saw the OW on chat .....I itch to say something, but I am not. She doesn't know that I am there.

I am still thinking about leaving. It's like 70% chance that I will leave. I am probably getting smarter by doing this. Even when he says that he doesn't want to be with the OW, and that he'll die without me.. blah blah.. I don't care anymore.

I am trying to hold on for a couple more days until I can fly home.

If anything changes, I will tell you guys.

Try to get some anti-D's. You are going to need them, whatever you decide.

I wish you could finish off this term and get the credits. But I will support whatever decision you make. You are the only one who knows what is right for you. But please take your time.

I would love to finish this.. I need to learn to finish what I start... but how can I? In these conditions? I thought to myself.. maybe I could hold it out....give me my chance to sort things out of my mind. I did get the anti D this morning. I took two as prescribed. I still feel the same. I told H abou tit.. he said medication that alter moods are not great.

Anyways....its like I am giving up on everything. I feel bad inside. I am fed up. I wrote to his mother this morning and told her what was happening. I am doing school work.. but I don't know why because I know that I am not staying here. I will be gone. I cannot take this pain anymore. H says that I should stay and just finish off school, but I won't.... I can't!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to be freeeeeeeeeee!!

Free to myself... from my pain, from my heart. FROM EVERYTHING! I am drained of energy... I don't even cook anymore. And it's something that I really enjoy doing. Wednesday I will get my airplane tickets. I will be gone. This is over. I've had enough suffering, now its time to take my life in my hands and stop living for H. I have been living for him for the past 4 years and not thinking of myself at all. I give him all priorities over my professional life, specially school. I ignored everyone, just to follow my heart.. then he broke it!

I should have left when I said that I would. I didn't.....should I continue to put myself deeper in crap? I will go to the state.. motivate my sorry self to get a job and work off my student loans.

This is really sad, but I would end up failing all my classes anyways. this is really worth nothing...by keeping up and pushing things along.

We will support you. Remember even if you leave, you will still go through this pain.

Amy may have to look up Brussels on the map. Please wait and talk to her.

i know... I know I will still be in pain. I know ..................I know this. OMG I don't want to have regrets. See if I don't leave, I may think back and see that I've wasted time...and money by staying and going to school and paying for it and failing and I get to work on my marriage....a marriage that my H do not even want to write to the OW to tell her that its over. Which is obviously the first step!! RIGHT? ok

Now if I don't stay: I will lose the money for school, but I can still have my free time to look for a job and work..I've had couple of offers. I'd work on myself and going to school. I will still leave the option to my husband. Now the tables will have to turn. He will either join me or he doesn't. It will be his choice now to leave the OW in another country. NOw his choice will be clear if he does that. If I stay here, and cry myself to sleep everynight and claim that it doesn't hurt me. And that is ok that he doesn't write the letter. He still loves me I beleive, but he has to sort himself out. So do I! I need time to be myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Do you guys see where I am getting? Hey Beleiver.. are you on AOL?

Reason I am still talking because I am not sure. Or I am just not strong enough to make the decision to leave him.

It's clear that you do not have to make this decision right now. Go to class. We will support you, whatever you do.

Je suis venu te dire que je m'en vais
Et tes larmes n'y pourront rien changer
Comm' dit si bien Verlaine au vent mauvais
Je suis venu te dire que je m'en vais
Tu t'souviens de jours anciens et tu pleures
Tu suffoques, tu blêmis à présent qu'a sonné l'heure
Des adieux à jamais
Ouais je suis au regret
D'te dire que je m'en vais
Oui je t'aimais, oui mais
Je suis venu te dire que je m'en vais
Tes sanglots longs n'y pourront rien changer
Comm'dit si bien Verlaine au vent mauvais
Je suis venu te dire ue je m'en vais
Tu t'souviens des jours heureux et tu pleures
Tu sanglotes, tu gémis à présent qu'a sonné l'heure
Ouais je suis au regret
D'te dire que je m'en vais
Car tu m'en as trop fait.
Je suis venu te dire que je m'en vais
Et tes larmes n'y pourront rien changer
Comm' dit si bien Verlaine au vent mauvais
Je suis venu te dire que je m'en vais
Tu t'souviens de jours anciens et tu pleures
Tu suffoques, tu blêmis à présent qu'a sonné l'heure
Des adieux à jamais
Ouais je suis au regret
D'te dire que je m'en vais
Oui je t'aimais, oui mais
Je suis venu te dire que je m'en vais
Tes sanglots longs n'y pourront rien changer
Comm'dit si bien Verlaine au vent mauvais
Je suis venu te dire ue je m'en vais
Tu t'souviens des jours heureux et tu pleures
Tu sanglotes, tu gémis à présent qu'a sonné l'heure
Ouais je suis au regret
D'te dire que je m'en vais
Car tu m'en as trop fait.


You guys won't understand this.. but this a song.. saying goodbye... translation "I've come to tell you that I am going."

On my way to bed. It is past midnight here in Australia.

Just called in to see how you are doing. I am glad you got some sleep. I hope you do see the doctor today and discuss antidepressants. I took them early on and they helped me. Do you see a counselor. I mean for you, not for the marriage?

You sound a little calmer. Going to classes today might at least get your mind off it for a while. I know how hard it is to focus on study while all this is going on. I was in the same boat.

Whatever you decide, it will be right for you. Only you know what you really need to do. We are here to support you. Maybe there is some merit in what you are saying about throwing the ball back in his court. Only you and time will see if that is the case.

I will say a prayer tonight for God to guide you in your struggle and that you make the right decision

I'll check here in the morning
love
C&S

When plan A fails... Plan B should be put in action.

Hugs*

But has Plan A failed?