Hi Id!

Yes the best thing to do is not drink with her period. Smart move for you.

If she is going to sit on the pourch and gab to her friend about the ONS, let her. I know it makes you feel low but that is how us BS'deal with it. Talking is a great healer. I just with my H. would talk!
I wish I could help you more. There are problems in your marriage that are really deep that needs professional help. You need to vent because I think your A. was a cry for help. She needs help with the alcohol issue. No one except a professional can help someone who is dependent on the stuff. The A. might be a screen of the real problems. I am not saying what you did was OK. Because it was definitely the wrong way to do it. People got hurt and trust became shattered.....
27 years of marriage is a long time. And if the two of you can deal with this big problem and tackle it to where you both can admit to ownership of the problems, and I really can see that you love your wife..there is a chance! It will be a long journey but think of it as an investment to your already committed marriage.
Call your local hospital and get help and inquire about getting help for your wife. But remember she has to be willing to get private help for her self. A Pastor, is fine but it goes a lot more deep and not sure he can handle it. If she is depressed, maybe she can go on antidepressants. They are helping me. Not sure if you read my post or not. But I am having a difficult day with the memories. As I was putting away, my clothes, I found all the cell bills with her # on it. He would call me and tell me that he is going to bed so don't call. Then you see him calling her right after he called me. Or I just remember the other line would beep in and of course he had to get off because it was his side dish and say he'll talk with me the next morning! And then you can take it from there. It hurts everyday. So please be tolerant!
Ali
Are you near Florida?

Well, we had the counseling with the drug/alcohol counselor on Wed. I think he may have gotten partially though to her with the comment that if your daughter or somebody else thinks you may have a drinking problem, it’s quite possible you really do. She still feels everybody is turning my episode around on her to focus on the drinking problem. It’s not really true though. Although there is no excuse for my actions and I freely admit that I am truly ashamed of it, I agree with the thought process that we need to deal with a number of issues before we can move forward to healing. One of them is the alcohol AND self medications with Rx medication on top. She has actually done pretty good for the past couple of days, but I still suspect she was drinking a little yesterday. I have made a commitment NOT to drink for a period of time….at least until we have gotten over this problem with clear heads and are on a good track to move forward with our lives and get our family back together as a “family.”

She is really a GREAT talker. She loves to do that. That’s one of her complaints about me…..No matter how much time we spend together, she feels it’s always distracted by something else. Our nephew had a house fire the other day and called to ask me some advice and she complained that I was spending time with others and taking away from her. I actually spent about 30 minutes on the phone with him. I really do love her and I think it really makes me feel good that she fusses about wanting to be with me, but I also think we could function a lot better is she wasn’t so dependent upon me. Maybe dependent is not the right word, but she doesn’t have friends who she goes off with, no hobbies other than working around the house. Our neighbor has repeatedly invited her to go to the movies with her and some girlfriends, but she always refuses. I encourage her to go, but she then gets mad saying I’m trying to get rid of her so I can get in front of the computer. (I really don’t spend as much time as she says in front of the computer.) In our early years, I got involved in wood working and built a shop behind our house. Then she complained about me spending too much time in the shop, BUT I am really glad that she loves me enough to want to spend more time with me.

As you indicated, there are some deep problems in our marriage and some precedents that have been set years ago that formed habits and standards that will now be very hard to change. I really think I have spoiled her over the years, but she probably won’t agree, especially now.

I’m sorry to hear about your bad day. I can’t imagine an actual A where I would be confused about my love for my wife. I do have to admit that I am a prideful person and take pride in our marriage and my trust in her and her’s in me, until now. I took much pride that I had been faithful to her for this long and feel kinda like the alcoholic who took a drink and has to start over again. I want to start over and really try hard to make her understand how much I love her, but also to try to build a little independence for her. I have been trying to push her to get a part time job, just to get out of the house but she just can’t seem to get over the fright of maybe being rejected. I don’t know. She gave her resume to the local Cerebal Palsy center who were really impressed with her credentials. BUT, she just won’t follow up on it.

Well, hopefully we can get over this awful thing and move forward. I told her last night, if there was only one thing in my life that I could take back, the ONS would be it.

Oh, in answer to your question we live in NC.

Thanks again for all your encouragement and input.

Well, Friday started out to be a pretty good day. I should've known something was in the works to foul it up. We met a lady about changing our insurance who suggested I would be good in that field also. Since I am currently out of work, I am interested in anything that will allow me to support my family. Friday morning I received a call from the lady's friend asking me to come in for an interview Friday afternoon. The interview went very well, but when I returned home my W had been into the alcohol again. I don't know where she got it because I thought I had pretty much cleaned the house of it and the car didn't look like it had been moved. I was only gone a couple of hours, but when I got home she was delerious. She was convinced our daughter was home, who was at work. She was also convinced that there was a guy and girl there who had put some kind of necklace around her neck. No matter how much I tried to tell her there was nobody here, she was convinced they were still in our house and didn't want to leave. (We were suppose to be going out to eat.)

Then last night we went to a wake for a friend of ours. She carried along in her purse a flask of rum that she had almost finished before I realized it. I did find her stash when I got home and dumped it out. Anyway, her attitude toward me was pretty good and we went to bed. She wanted to make love, but when we started getting intimate is when she brought up the ONS. Well needless to say, that really put a damper on things.

One good thing....our friend (who passed away), her daughter has stopped drinking and going to AA. She spoke considerably about it to us, and I think my W is considering going to a meeting with her.

I'll just end on that good note. I really hope the Lord will deliver us from this problem and let us get on with our lives. I'm sure He has something good to offset my stupid lack of good judgement.

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

Thanks for the vote of confidence. Coming from me, it will seem to her that I am trying to turn around my ONS to focus on her drinking problem. I am hoping that the counselor we are seeing on Wed will have a little better luck at this. As well and as I said previously, one of our friends has an alcohol problem and has started attending AA meetings. She has invited my W to attend and I have offered to go with them as well. If I can get her to realize the problem WITHOUT her thinking it was my idea, then we're on our way to a solution. This has been a problem for some time, but until she feels it's a problem there's no way to move ahead.

Thanks again for the input, and no you didn't offend me. I am looking for any kind of input I can get. I have committed to working out and making our marriage better. I think one of the contributing factors to my telling of the ONS was the input I received from this site and the stories I read about other's relationships being better than they were before after they had worked out the issues. This kind of forced the issue, BUT in no way makes the seriousness of my ONS any less. As you said, I still have that guilt to deal with myself.

Thanks again.

Hi Id.

I was writing a new post and my computer crashed on me. It keeps doing it. But I cannot start all over again but I will get back with you tomorrow. But I will add that it is nice to see that your wife is getting help from someone in AA. I will continue with that later. Some reason, very tired today. We had great weather yesterday close to 70 and then today? 30's! So all the running around and the temp change makes me pooped! Plus kids got out of bed must go put them back in.
Later!
Ali!

Hello Ali,

Thanks for keeping in touch. I don't want to give any false impressions....My W was invited by her friend to attend an AA meeting, but has not committed yet. Her friend just lost her mother to an auto accident, so I don't want to bother her yet, although it was at the memorial service where she invited her. I will probably give her a week or so and give her a call and explain some of the issues and ask her to invite her again. I told them both that I'd be glad to attend as well.

Yesterday I had to take my daughter to the mall to get a pair of slacks, but the mall was closed and we turned right around and came home. My W was in her housecoat ready for bed at 6:30PM, but when we returned the other car was gone but returned shortly after we got home. She had been to the store and got an 18 pack of Ice House. She tried to be sneaky and leave it in the car, but when she went in the house I hid it. She got mad, but accepted the fact. I think she had one or two stashed somewhere in the house, but not enough to bring out the depression and anger again. She found it this mroning though, and hid it from me. I can't find it anywhere in this house, but she seems to keep coming up with it. She was angry most of the evening yesterday and all day today, BUT she is angry because I had some things that had to get done. I had to get my daughters car in the shop, then take my daughyter to school and pick her up, then run her for a job interview etc. It makes me feel good that she wants the time with me, but I can't be by her side every moment. I invite her to come along, but she doesn't want to be with me when I am doing other things. Her dependence on me is choking me!!!! I love her so much and feel that if she were to get a job, part time even or even volunteer work that she would feel so much better about herself and gain some independence. Good news though, she did go to the gym to work out. She's been planning that for months now. Maybe this will be an outlet for her. She is so talented too and has so much empathy and compassion for others that she could do almost anything she wants. I know that would be a huge start to solving the depression and alcohol problem. She did mention tonight though that when we talk to people about these problems, that I always just mention the alcohol and not the pain and hurt in her past. That may be a cry that she needs to deal with that again. I thought we had gotten over her past..baby boy, brother and mother killed in auto, abusive step father, abusive natural father, abusive previous husband, 30 year old son recently going to jail for drug charges, alcoholic brother, other brother is a user taking advantage of us by living with us for months...recently gave him his walking papers. Her best friend with cancer and me without a job. Well, that's enough. I really don't want to put this load on anybody else other that the Lord. He asks us to cast our burdens to Him.

Well, all that being said I think we're getting there but really need His help in making our way to getting over our issues. I picked up the book today, His Needs, Her Needs and plan to read it with her each night until we finish it.

Thanks for your continued support. I sneak in her every day to try to catch up on this site. It really does help to have others like you stepping us through these issues.

Thanks and God Bless,

Well, yesterday was pretty busy. I had a number of errands to run and had to pick my daughter up from school. Anyway, I got home and found the my W had been drinking on the 18 pack that I had hidden from her the day before. She wasn't loaded or anything, but was seriously aggitated and angry. I managed to calm her down and we both decided to get in the hot tub together. The her best friend called who has cancer. After getting out of the tub and speaking with her for over an hour or so, she was noticeably upset. I tried to console her, but probably not as much as I should've or with as much compassion as I should've shown. You see, she and I are completely different in that aspect. She is so empathetic that she almost feels other peoples pain. I on the other hand, have some compassion but accept sickness and death as a part of life. My famous quote to her is "Baby, death is a part of life and we just have to deal with it." Probably not something good to say to somebody that sensitive. Anyway, long story short...I finally found out where she had hid the beer...RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE!!! I felt so stupid to have overlooked it!! Anyway, she drank a few more and got more angry to the point of beating on me again. It became more and more heated to the point that I actually pushed her back. Then she wanted to call the police on me and I took the phones away from her. Then she wanted me to sleep in the other room and I agreed, but I could tell that she really didn't want that because as I started to leave she got in front of me to argue even more. She finally laid down and I went to her to love on her some. She didn't push me away and was crying. I told her how much I loved her and how I really feel the alcohol is hurting us. She didn't even acknowledge the statement. We laid in bed together and cuddled for a while, then got back in the hot tub, then ate something and stayed up till 2:30 in the morning. Talk about a roller coaster ride. I told her though, that she really has to quit the hitting and pushing so hard that I end up pushing back. There's just no future in that.

Well, that's yesterday and today has been OK. She's been pretty drained today although she did clean the house, but napped around 6:30 this evening and has slept since.

I still don't have work, but have an offer to go back out of the country where the ONS took place. I know what my W will say about it and am caught between saving our marriage and loosing everything else or possibly loosing both. Why does life have to be so complicated. I know this is a direct result of my stupid choices, but still wonder why I had to make such a stupid choice when I really didn't want to anyway???

Well, we went to the counselor yesterday and he told my W that he had come to the conclusion that in his opinion she had a drinking problem and suggested getting into an AA program. She obviously didn't take that news very well but agreed to attend a couple of AA meetings. Another story though after we left the office. She again feels that everybody is turning my ONS around to point to her as the problem. The counselor tried to explain that with alcohol involved it would continue to cloud any other deeper issues that we're trying to resolve and hinder our dealing with anything to move forward. Essentially with alcohol we're caught in a terrible circle of talking about the ONS, arguing about it, fighting about it, and then eventually making up. We have done quite a bit of making up, but it hurts me so bad to see her continually hurting over the same thing over and over again. How do we get by this and move forward with our lives?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Last night it wasn't apparent that she was drinking, but she was obviously very angry again about the ONS, reliving and rehashing the same things that we've been over time and again. This time she indicated that she was going to an attorney to file for seperation and threatened to collect allimony and child support, going to sell everything and split it and start over, get an appartment. Wanted me to sleep in the other bedroom and never wanted me to touch her again. By the end of the night, I did NOT end up sleeping in the other room, but she even cried in her sleep. I tried to hug up to her and console her, but she didn't want me touching her. By the morning, we were hugged up together but when she awoke she was still angry. She did however later warm up to me some, but is still noticably agitated about things. I know I am rambling, but just trying to figure out what it is that I need to do to help us to move forward with our lives. I've taken time away from work and our bills to spend with her. I even went to the gym with her yesterday. Now, I'm sure everybody can benefit from a workout here and there, but I'm really not a workout person. Neither of us are overweight, but we both could certainly use a little firming up, BUT that's not my bag. Point is that I feel I am doing things with her and for her to show her that I love her.

Anybody who has already been through this rollercoaster ride....could you please give me something to give me a little hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel????

Thanks so much!!!

Hi Id!

I would be happy to help your wife if she needs to vent. She needs an outlet and of course she feels attacked. You need to baby the situation with her and make sure she isn't "gained up". But the alcohol is a big concern. Dependent issues are the real issue here. Let me know what you think?
Ali

Thanks for the offer Ali. Here's my delima. Number 1, She hates anything I do on the computer.
Number 2, If I offer to her to talk to you, I fear she will either get jealous and think there's something going on between us, or get mad because I have been talking to other people about the issue. I did tell her that I had found the website and that was one reason that I felt I had to be honest with her and let her know what had happened when I returned home.
Number 3, She NEVER does anything on the computer. She wouldn't know how to get to the website or how to communicate. I could do it for her, but then we're right back into the problem with me being on the computer.

At night when she typically gets the most angry, she wants to talk to anybody who will talk including the counselor's we have been dealing with. But, when the day gets here she doesn't want to schedule any time for anything. I bought the book His Needs, Her Needs and wanted to read it together with her, but she will have nothing to do with it. CATCH 22!!!! WHAT TO DO?????? I just don't know.

In anger during our argument last night, I made a statement that "If I didn't love her, I wouldn't have stayed with her through the 3 or 4 suicide attempts, stomach pumps and hospitilatizations. As I said, we have over 27 years together. I don't want to throw that away!!!! BUT, we have to get better. Our marriage has had some issues and problems for a while now. I think the major reason I told her about the ONS was the encouragement I read on this website about the survivors of these A's and ONS's and how their marriages were BETTER than ever after dealing with the issues. I really do want our marriage to be better!!!!

What to you think. CATCH 22, huh.

I can definitely see your point about having this for you.

I still believe your affair was a cry for help! I believe that is in Dr. Harley's book. You have been through a lot. As you already know, alcohol fuels the rage and anger. My H. did this when he came back from out of state. I hide and told every one to not give my H. a drink. Did he get pissed. He know sees that he was self medicating his problems.
I would say you are in a catch 22. Your wife is depressed. Is she receiving IC? I think you need it too? What I think is good therapy, is long walks. We live by a river and we walk the walking trail a lot. Well when it was warm out we did. We talked. She is craving attention. Hopefully the therapist will figure out why.
You have to let her vent to her friends. Talking is the best thing to do. If she holds it in, she will go grab another beer. If you want, try to be brave and ask her lets talk. I want to hear your frustrations. You will not believe after over and over again what might come out!
Try that for awhile.
Got to go. To quiet in here with a two year old and a puppy on the loose!
Ali

Well, the other night when the W was so angry my assumption was that she was not drinking. I found out last night that she has switched to Vodka and I wasn't able to smell it on her as much. I found out when I tasted a drink of hers that I thought was coke, but was a lot of vodka and a little coke. After throwing it out, I follwed her into the bedroom where I saw her pull a bottle out from behind the TV and start guzzeling right from the bottle. We've definately got a problem here!! Not sure where to go from here??

Not to take away from my ONS and as I told her that is the most regrettable thing in my entire life and I'll end up living with it the rest of my life.

Have you ever heard of tough love? You need to get advice from a professional. I understand that she is hurting from the ONS! But I hate to say this because I don't want to disregard her feelings, but she is definitely masking her problems on that ONS! The ONS added a lot more greif to what she had been already feeling. If your children are old enough, you might consider (this is my opinion) leaving. I am not saying permanently. She is going to have to hit rock bottom. You can't force her to change. She is going to have to realize she has a problem. To have your kids subjected to this is going to influence their life and might learn when there is a problem, drinking is the only way to handle it. Children imprint as teenagers too. Even late teens years. It is not healthy for you and your children to be around this behavior.
As much as you love your wife, you have to be strong about it. I don't know you as a person. There could be a lot more than what you are posting on this board. But you need to get help for yourself because dealing with a person who might have an alcohol problem is very hard.
I mentioned before, you can call your local hospital and find out information to help you and your wife.
Please don't take my suggestions lightly. This is huge! I know that there are at least three people that are in jeopardy of getting seriously hurt. Please look out for your daughter and be strong!
You need to do this! She might give you a guilt trip, if you leave but to say, I am here to help but can't do it if you continue to hide behind the bottle and not deal with these issues we are having with me! Say, I need your help too!

Good luck and keep me posted! Call now!

Ali

Hello Guys,

Well, it’s been a few days and things really don’t seem to be getting any better. I’ve had 3 people tell me that I’m probably going to have to leave to force her to recognize the alcohol problem. All this started with my screw up (ONS) and the encouragement that I found on this site telling about all you guys who have been through this before and worked through things and now your marriage is better than it ever was. Now, I’m hearing that I’m going to have to throw away 27 years just to get her to recognize that there was a problem before the ONS…..alcohol and Rx drugs. She wouldn’t go with me to the alcohol and drug counselor today because last week he confronted her and told her that in his opinion, she has an alcohol and maybe a chemical problem. Instead, I kept the appointment and really let it all out. I have been holding back on a lot of stuff with the counselors because I don’t want to taint their objectivity in dealing with our immediate problem. He indicated to me today that in his opinion, things will not change until my W realizes she has a problem and decides she WANTS to fix it. Well, that was a blow to me. I have been posting on this site, going to pastors and counselors searching for some input on how to reconcile and move forward…..deal with the problem and get on with our lives. Instead, I’ve been told that I may end up having to leave.

Ali, the statement you made about hitting rock bottom was also made today. I’m not sure I can handle this though!!! I really value your concern about my daughter. She is 17 and should’ve been sheltered from this mess a long time ago. I am pretty proud of her though. I think she found her own way to deal with the issues here at home and is really stronger as a result. She is a good kid with good morals and a focus on where she wants to go and what she wants to do. She works and makes A/B honor roll at school. BUT, needless to say she isn’t too happy with her dad right now. One thing I regret so very much is how my W presented this to her, or that it was even presented to her at all. Our pastor strongly discouraged against even telling her, but that advice was blown the same day it was given.

I turned down an offer to go back out of the country on another contract because of what happened. BUT, I have only a couple of very minor leads on other work and money is already starting to run out. If I leave, where do I go? If I rent an apartment or hotel, that just dwindles down our reserve that much faster. We may even have to start liquidating very soon anyway. You know, they say the Lord will not put on us any more than we can handle, but I’m not sure I can handle one more straw.

Well, enough crying. I’m afraid she will complain about me being on the computer. Thanks again for all your input.

God Bless.

OK, first I hate calling you idiot! Your one nighter, in my opinion was a cry for help! But it was the wrong way to do it! Did you purchase the book Surviving an Affair yet? You had what is called a cry for help A. She is pointing the problem onto you. Yes, it was a blow to her and it most certainly added to her grief but the problems that she had were way out there long before!
Will your daugher be going to college? What about selling your house? Reconsider taking that job out of the country. Can you bring your daughter? That might be a good experience for her!!???

I said that to you, she has to realize there is a problem before she can get help. Kinda like a broken bone. If you don't put it back together, what good is a cast?

Continue to get help. As sad as this may be, if she goes out, inform your police department that she might be drunk while driving!

You might need to get help for your D. as well. It might affect her internally and later come out with so much resentment towards the both of you!

I will pray hard for you because this has got to be tough. listen to that inner voice and listen hard and never second guess it. That is God speaking to you. Do what you feel is right. Also 27 years of marriage is a very long time, I agree. But, you don't deserve another 25 going this route. This doesn't mean it is permenant. Just enough to realize that she is not going to survive the way she is going with her life. Alcohol is like a desease. It affects everyone!
She is a very dependent person who needs something in her life! ???

Ali

That’s OK about calling me an Idiot. I’ve certainly been called worse and sometimes really do answer to the name. One thing I did get from this site is that although there was no excuse for my actions, an A or ONS is rarely only the one person’s fault. There are almost always contributing factors…often from the spouse. Still haven’t purchased the book surviving an Affair yet, but plan to do so very soon.

Yes, my daughter will be going to college. And the counselor is the third one to suggest leaving. We are so ingrained here though. I know I may end up having to sell the house and leave, but I would hate to do that if it was not absolutely necessary. We did go to the pastor yesterday and he seems to have made a little progress, but it was the day after she threw another temper tantrum about the ONS. Another night of physically beating on me, broke part of the computer, scattered all our bills and paperwork all over the office, kicked and broke the door, broke a couple of our framed pictures, tore up one of our books and broke my glasses. I had to physically drag her out of the office to keep her from destroying anything else. I am actually afraid to leave for fear of her destroying something anything else without me being here to stop her.

Listen, I am not trying to paint a bad picture of her though. You guys are only hearing my side of the story and she does have a good heart. She just has a problem that I really don’t know how to deal with. Our visit to the pastor ended up in a commitment for us to attend a Basic Life Principles course next week. If that works, it’ll be the best $100 investment I have ever made. He and his wife are also attending and committed to meeting with us every night after the class to coach and counsel us. I know that won’t fix it all, but maybe it’ll be a good start. If not, I guess the only thing left is to put the house up for sale and split up. I know she loves me and I love her, but this is a true illness not perceived.

One good thing…..I had a telephone interview with a local company that would keep me in town. Ya’ll pray for me, OK!!! I also have another request to go back out of the country for two months, but I know that would be the beginning of our separation if I took that one. I would stay over there for 4 weeks, return for one week then back for another 4 weeks.

I know! But look at this as a temporary situation. If you do want to stay in the marriage,
you have to look at her problem as a disease and do what ever it takes to have it cured. My cousin had myeloid leukemia which is an adult form of cancer. How he got it is still a mystery. But anyway, my Uncle had to basically sell his soul to get him where he is today. If you want to salvage your marriage you are going to have to do tough love!
I am no way an expert on these type of issues. It is hard to make the right decision.
Ahh phooey, I will have to finish this post in a little bit! This time change has messed me up that I didn't realize the time.
In a bit
Ali

Well, the worst has finally happened. She took an overdose of medication and is now in the hospital. They went ahead and admitted her to the psyc ward as well. Maybe they can identify and at least start on the identification and resolution of the problems. I'm sure that with only 5 or 6 days, they can't get too far, but at least they'll get a start. Maybe from there she'll pick up the ball and run with it.

Now, I've got to worry about how to pay the bills. Got an email back indicating the interview went well, but they decided to go with somebody else. Insurance won't cover mental and drug related. Was in the process of changing over to a new insurance and I'm almost positive this will completely knock us out of the picture as far as getting the new insurance. Not sure too much more can go wrong. Certainly don't want to take the contract out of the country and nothing else even looks remotely promising.

Oh, well enough belly aching. Gotta get some sleep. Only a couple of hours in the past couple of nights. Not good!!!

OH CRAP!

I was afraid of something like that might happen.
My prayers will be with you.

Look on the net for extra insurance that will cover the cost. Work out a plan with the finance department. Can she be transferred to a teaching hospital where they will eat up the majority of the cost?
Ali