I don't know how much longer I can take this !

Last night H returned home from business trip, remember, he's staying with his mother. I was supposed to pick him up at the airport.

Night before last OW called me, said some pretty awful things to me, that's when I called WH and said, I've throwing in the towel, I don't deserve this. She's a mean and vicious person. He got very angry at me and OW (supposedly). Said this was all going to end that he's tired of us both pulling on his chains and he was going to break.

Calls last night, getting a ride from the airport, but wants to come HERE so I can give him the keys to his company van... (he has a spare set). 2 male coworkers drive him to MY house where he proceeds to take his luggage out of their van, and load them into MY truck so I can drive him to his mother's. His mothers is half way between my house and the airport.

He seems distant, but upbeat, but almost set in stone. I am dropping him off, and he says, let's go get coffee. So we're sitting in the Dunkin Donuts parking lot, for about 2 hours. I don't know WHY this is happening. He's telling me he knows this isn't going to work, he doesn't know if he has any feelings for me. I'M STAYING POSITIVE THE WHOLE TIME, not pushing. Just stating MY part. That I'm going to go on with my life, but I'm not closing the door on our M.

He goes on to tell me he put an end to the phone calls. He doesn't want me calling to harass OW any more. I said...I do not call her. He got a little irritated and said, well it's gonna stop. I'm telling you both the same thing.

While we are sitting there, and talking what seems a futile discussion... OW CALLS ME ON MY CELLPHONE. I looked at the cellphone, saw who it was and said, that's the OW. He looked at my phone, and seemed very aggitated. He said...don't answer it. So I didn't. Then the phone rang like there was a voicemail. It was her calling me back, with a restricted number. I picked up the phone.

She started screaming at me, wanted to know if H was with me, that he's supposed to be "with her" now, and she wants to know whats going on with him and I.

All I say is , you're in TEXAS (we live in jersey), how is he with you..... at THAT point... she went off like a rocket, just like she had the night before. H wanted to hear what she had to say.

She proceeds to be the cruelest things on 2 legs, telling me he wants her, he leaves all these messages on her cell phone how much he loves her, how much he wants to be with her, how he told her he never loved during our whole 6 years together, and wants to know if I'm going to back out of the picture for HER. She doesn't stop there. She gets much crueler, he is LISTENING to her the whole time. HE is holding the phone. She is throwing zingers my way that are making my stomach roll, and tears are falling down my face. He motions to me to keep her interested in speaking. I DO THIS.

Here is where it gets really confusing. He won't tell her he's on the phone, he won't say anything, he mutes my phone and says you're going to conference me in. I DO THIS. He gets on the phone with her, starts reprimanding her. She's repeating....just answer my question....just answer my question... I couldn't understand what her question was, but he said she was in no position to ask him any questions. That he told her the night before not to call me, and she did it anyway. She must have said something, and all he said was but that's not the right way...why did you say those things to her. This goes on for about 30 minutes. I LET THIS HAPPEN. He tells her he will call her later that the conversation is over.

I take him to his mother's it's now 3 hours. He tells me he's sorry for having to put me through that. Somebody had a point to prove, and somebody went over the line. That he knows it hurt me, but he had to hear it for himself.

Proceeds to tell me not to cry, he's sorry, but I should feel glad I was able to prove to him my point, and that it was a GOOD thing for him to see the other side of a person. Tells me he will come over today, and wants me to get my numbers changed.

HELP ME. I CAN NOT SET MYSELF UP FOR THIS. I MET A HUGE EN. BUT AT THE COST OF ALL I'VE WORKED ON THIS LAST WEEK.

GOD HELP ME, AS I WAS WRITING THIS POST SHE JUST CALLED ME AGAIN !!!!!!!

I left a message on his cell phone, that she had called.

PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME....TELL ME WHAT TO DO !!

Yikes! You did very well. Give yourself credit for that. Now change your phone number. You should not put up with this abuse. Next do the 180's and get on with your life.

Stay in Plan A, but be gone alot. You need to take care of you.

He just called me back. Asked me to keep my cellphone off, and that he'd call me later on the home phone. (is he trying to have his cake and eat it too ?)
God help me I want off this rollercoaster. I can't live like this.
I feel like I've fallen back 2 steps and it is all happening all over again. What a crappy day. It's raining and I have NO energy from the ordeal last night. I do not know how us FS survive this mess ! Kudos to everyone for just getting up the next day !

You can also have her arrested for harrassment in no time for these phone calls. I wouldn't put up with them. All you have to do is go to your local phone company and get records of the calls, they can give you numbers even if they don't show up on caller ID. Then you go to the police, they will contact the TX police. She needs to get set straight. My WH OW was arrested when her H was cheating on her for harrassment to the other woman also.

I'm trying SO hard not to do anything because I know I'm not thinking straight. One minute, I want to get myself out of this and just forget about him. That choice, means eventually, I'll be over him.
But if I keep playing this game the end never comes !

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But if I keep playing this game the end never comes !</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then don't play the game. You don't have to. Her incessant calling you is her problem. You don't have to pick up the phone and listen to her poisonous talk. Delete her voice mails. And don't bother your H with this. If he asks, tell him how many times she has called and that you are ignoring her, for your own sake.

Do the positive things. Change your cell phone number TODAY.

Your WS is clearly in the fog, but he is at the beginning of seeing this OW clearly. He sees that she is mean, vindictive, and nasty, while you are composed and fair and only trying to protect yourself. This will speak volumes to him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm trying SO hard not to do anything because I know I'm not thinking straight. One minute, I want to get myself out of this and just forget about him. That choice, means eventually, I'll be over him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are right to stay the course for now. Of course you want to get yourself out of this, right now, and end the pain! It is the a sane reaction to an insane situation. But reacting out of pain and aking the choice to "forget about him" won't likely have the result you think it will.

Have you read SAA? Keep poring over the information on this site. Do the best Plan A that you can. Your husband does not seem to have cut you out of his life so you still have the ability to show him that you care about him and his needs, and then let him make his own comparisons.

Hang in there. I know this is so tough. Your pain is palbable. It will get better.

~ Snow

Today was both a good day and a bad day.
WH called me after he got done work about (2 PM)... asked me how I was....I said I was doing good, how was he. He said fine, and asked me if I wanted him to "stop by". I tried not to sound overly enthusiastic, and said sure.

We had lunch. It was tense and awkward, and it took me every ounce of will power not to push. During lunch, I made sure I paid attention, if he needed a napkin, or more ice. He complained of a neckache from sleeping on the plane last night. I asked him if he wanted to relax on the couch, and I'd rub his neck. He said sure. When we first sat down there it was nerve racking.

After awhile, his mood seemed to lighten, and I could see him relax for the first time in 2 weeks now (probably longer).

This was just comforting from my point. I did NOT try to seduce him. It ended up being the other way around. We spent hours making love, and we slept afterwards cuddled up. This made me nervous, I didn't know if it was the right thing, I haven't gotten my copy of SAA yet !

We then had dinner here. We watched some TV. He JUST left to go home to his mother's. When I walked him out, I asked him if I was doing the right thing by him, he asked me what was that, and I said, standing by you. He said yes. There was both relief in sadness in his eyes. I tried not to ask the next question, but it came out anyway.

This is exactly what I said....." I know you're going through a rough time right now... and I wish I could help you, but I know you have to get through this yourself." Then I asked, "are you going to be okay?" He said yeah, I'll be okay. Then I dropped the bomb and asked..."do you think we'll be okay"... he said... "we'll be okay".... I said ..."are you sure?"... he said...."I'm sure".

He seemed sad when he left (he spent 8 hours here today with me...his cell phone going off intermittently, pager going off... he ignored them)... (the fog).... we have plans to have dinner here tomorrow night. I know he will go back to his mother's and talk to the OW on the phone tonight. I'm scared to death of this.

I know I can only control my actions, and I may be setting myself up for a BIG hurting....but I think I did the right thing.

Someone tell me what their take on all this is ???

You did fine. Check out the 180's. Do not try to rush this, or ask relationship questions.

Thank you. I'll put 100% into this. I have to. I love my husband. I do. I wish I didn't sometimes, but I do, he's my best friend. If there's a chance for us, to make it through this, and come out better and stronger.....then I have to risk it.

It's hard, every second since D-Day has been tramatic, but I'm making the best of an impossible situation.

I hope I don't look stupid in the end. I guess it's not about that. It's about what's in my heart, and what I'm willing to do.

If it is meant to be, it will be. I have to just fly by the seat of my pants right now.

Thanks for your support ! I'll be needing a lot of it right now through this rough time.

Stick with Plan A. That is where to start. It is difficult to do, but is necessary. It is awful at first, but does get better. Everyone told me that things would get better, but I could not imagine it. But here I am, happy again with a good life.

Hang in there and come here for support.

I'm nervous folks. Scared out of my wits. I hate not knowing anything. So I'm assuming I'm definately in Plan A right now. My WH is coming over for dinner tonight. He said last night he would call me later today, he has some stuff to do today. He's not going to SEE the OW, but he may be talking to her on the phone. I'm assuming this is true, I will not ask. I don't think I'm supposed to am I ?

I go back to work tomorrow morning. What do I do at this point ? Same course as currently ? Waiting for him to call me, being there if and when he wants to see me or talk to me ? Right now it almost seems that he's cheating on her with me ?

Until I get my books, can someone to tell me any definate DO's and DON'Ts ?

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

--------------------
TMCM's MB Garage .

Thanks believer. I think so far I'm doing pretty well with the do's and don'ts. I'm doing much better about not calling him. The only thing is we planned on seeing each other tonight. Is that an arranged date ? After tonight, I know nothing, there are no plans.

I won't ask if he's going to call me, I won't ask when he's coming back over. I won't ask if he's still seeing OW. I'll just enjoy his company. He must still have something left for me. It was of his own accord to come here yesterday. I didn't ask, or even HINT. Completely his idea. I didn't not make advances.

I told him I wish there was something I could do to help him through this difficult time, but I know that's something he has to do for himself, by himself.

I hope there's HOPE. I want there to be. I just have to keep telling myself that this may not end the way I had hoped.

What I have noticed about WS's is that when you decide to go on with your life and have a nice life, they suddenly start thinking they are making a mistake.

For some reason they need to keep you involved in the triangle. When I threw my H out, I completely rearrange the house, took down all pictures and reminders of him, etc. Then I cleaned in sparkling clean.

When I went on with my life and started having fun, he started coming back around. He told me I seemed to be doing fine without him. I told him I had no choice, life goes on.

There is something very comforting about detaching a little. Now I can talk to him without LB's, mainly because I know I can have a good life without him.

You are still new to this, you will get much better in time. The main thing is just to enjoy his company and not think about the future. Let him see a strong, happy woman.

I'm losing myself again. I've been cleaning all day. Keeping busy. I want SO BAD TO CALL HIM. I know I can't. I want to know if he meant any of what he told me last night. I know I can't know, I know HE doesn't know.

THIS SUCKS !

It's the worst ever. After a very distraught 2 weeks, and him telling me he's SURE we won't be able to work anything out, to walk away, and get on with my life..... he tells me last night I'm doing right by him by standing by him.

He tells me "we'll be okay"... did that mean we as in US or we as in individuals ? I know I can't ask.

I haven't heard anything from him today.

I'm in fear he spoke to OW last night and is in dense FOG.

I KNOW after yesterday he loves me. I KNOW it. Not a single doubt in my mind.

I know this takes time, and I tell myself I'm doing the right thing.

I did ask him if he would remain honest, no matter what, and he said he would. Then he said firmly, but not in a mean way, Stop, don't push. I said okay. And with that he left for the night.

How do I find the strength that I need to endure this ?

WH just called me. He seems happy, upbeat. Telling me he's cleaning at his mother's (which is where he is currently staying... how long this will be is not up for discussion yet). Says he never realized how messy it had gotten there. I say...I'm glad you're there to help her out, she needs you. He said yeah. Said he's up to his ears in garbage that needs to be taken to the curb tonight, but will be over a little bit later on.

Point for me.... supporting his need to help his mom, who refuses to acknowledge my shear existence on this earth, much less my marriage to her only child.

I'm still cleaning. Feeling a little better. The pope could eat off my floors, but that's always been a little pet peave of my WH. House not quite clean enough. Am I still in Plan A if he's staying with his mom ?

Check out flylady.com for some cleaning tips. But don't sign up for the e-mail. People here have told me you get bombarded. Her program is lots of fun to do, and you can get whole house cleaned and organized in no time.

The best thing for you is to stay in Plan A. Then get busy doing things for yourself. You are not going to get your needs met by WH. So you will have to do it yourself.

I exercised, cleaned and organized, joined a womens support group, volunteered, started my own business, detailed the car, did the yard, remodeled the bathroom, painted, and went out with friends. When you start doing things (even though you would rather sit and obsess about WH) you start getting your self esteem back.

You have FAR more energy than I do.
In these two weeks I've done a lot of packing (WH stuff). Cleaned the yard, cleaned out closets, mopped floors, dusted, scrubbed sinks, toilets, bathtubs and showers. I've gotten a haircut and wear makeup every day.

I have to keep reminding myself this may be it, this is all I get, but am learning to be happy with what I've gotten.

I can't WAIT to get the books. It will give me much needed support.

Thank you again for all your responses. They truly help.

I hope one day to be as strong and happy as you are. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well I'm on my way to work today. WH came over last night, almost as planned.

We had one of more honest discussions since this started.

I noticed him withdrawing from me a little bit more then the day before.

I told him of my intentions. Then made a few mistakes, but found out a lot in the process. OW called him yesterday. He said she's very insistent, and he's trying to brush her off. (I left it at that as far as she was concerned).

I asked him if he wants me back, he said yes. I asked him if he wanted our work on our marriage, he said yes.

Then he explained to me that there is a saying he can't quite remember, that the right hand only builds what the left hand knocks down. He said over a period of 5 years, we built up something, good, something great, and for whatever reason, the left hand was able to get in and knock it down. But he's realized the pieces are still right there, and it's going to take a little time, and a lot of hard work, but we can build them back up again. He said he's felt that he hit the lottery, and spent all the money, now he's poor again.

He also told me that he didn't have any intentions of leaving. That he was going to get a hotel room for a couple days and let me cool off. But I made all the next moves and drove to his place of work to retrieve all house keys, and packed up all his stuff.

He had to go back to his mothers. She washed his the same clothes for him to go to work for 3 days until he was able to find anything he'd moved over there hastily in the middle of the night when I threw him out. He really thought he'd just be able to come home, and we'd go on like we were, because he was positive I no longer cared.

I've apologized for making him feel this way, and have told him I plan to continue to work on myself, to be the person he knows I can be.

I told him I was glad this went the way it did because things couldn't keep going the way they were going, or it was just doomed.

He is going to bring some of his clothes back to the house.

He's not moving back in. Not for awhile. We agreed that would only happen when we both felt ready.

Before he left at around midnight. I suggested he do himself a favor, and let OW know that he's not left his marriage, and he wants to make it work.

I told him I won't force him to do this, he must do it in his own time, and his own way. But what I've realized is that as much of his EN that I will continue to meet, I can't live life in Limbo.

So this is where we are. I miss my husband, I miss being married. But one day, I'll be married again. When the time is right. In the meantime, I've given him my wedding rings. I told him when he feels he is able to commit, and take upward movements, he'll know when the time is right to offer me my rings back.

That's the end of my LB. But I had to get them out once and for all. I didn't want him to think I was "being nice" to him, and being with him in every way a wife SHOULD be without him knowing what my intentions were.

There still is not a NC. The fog is lifting, and soon I'll be able to test that idea on him. I opened the door to it last night.

I've taken my responsibility to the failures I've contributed to our marriage. He has to take responsibility for his affair and make it disappear.

If she would GO away, I'd have made better progress, but he did tell me she's insistent. He also told me that during the affair, he tried to see her as little as possible. (I don't know what that means, and he wants to tell me more about the affair, but knows I won't handle it well).

My heart is still broken, my hopes are hanging by a thread, I got up this morning, and I'm going to work.

I realize that much of my own pain is caused by me. I'm the one choosing to fight for my husband, fight for our marriage. I could have walked away, and been clear of all this. I would be just learning to live without him. Now it's just twice as hard, learning to live without him in my life as I once knew it, while trying to build a better stronger relationship.

On this damp cold morning, my heart goes out to each one of you, because of what you're all going through, including myself. Be strong, let whatever is meant to be, BE, and Let Go and Let God.

Have a peaceful day everyone one.

You're doing a great job. It sounds like your OW is becoming a high maintenance pain in the butt while you are a safe harbor. Keep up the good work.

Loy