I certainly understand how you feel. My WW is the same way. I have told her more than once that I dont feel like she is changing, or that she is sincere in wanting to reconcile. She just gets mad and tells me how its always about me and how I feel. Problem is she wont tell me how she feels except to go on about how I never give her any freedom or how I'm always opposed to her doing anything. My response is.... stop doing things that make me feel like you're a cheating whore and I'll stop complaining about the things you want to do. No I dont use those exact words but she gets the concept. I will pray for you, and I hope you can find strength in God.

That last post of mine probably did nothing but feed your anger. Please forgive me and disregard if you so choose. Imm sorry about that, just had kind of a rough one today myself.

That's okay. For some reason it's been a particulary hard one for me as well. It's been one of thos...I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS HAPPENED, WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY LIFE ?

And inside I'm raging, thinking why am I doing all the work ? I didn't DO THIS TO US. I didn't stray outside my marriage, I don't have feelings for someone else.

Sometimes I get such a turmoil going inside me that I want to quit, I want to quit so badly and tell him... GO SCRATCH BUDDY...YOUR LOSS. There's a voice inside my head going....why are you putting up with this, you deserve so much better than this.

If I just wake up in the morning, and decide...hey you know what..this is it, call the lawyer, take this stupid idiot for spousal support, and be on with it, I know there is an END to this pain.

In the meantime, it's just over and over and over, it's like being hit by the same train as D-Day, but this time I see it coming, and I can't get out of the way ?

What is wrong with me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Betrayed - Unfortunately you DID sign up for this, that is if your vows were for better or worse, in sickness and health, till death do us part.

I have been hanging in here for almost a year. I didn't find out until July, but the A started in March - that is when he started shutting me out.

So I just keep on keeping on. I do have lots of thoughts about letting her have him. I am to the point that I really don't care.

But I do know that I can have a nice life without him, and that is very comforting.

I'm starting to get to that point. At least there's an end to it then.

I don't even know if he'll ever be back, in the meantime, I let him waltz in and out of here, wait on him hand and foot and get what ?

A turning point for me tonight, he's at his mom's just complaining away about his sore this his sore that, how he's in so much pain. That I should know when he's in that much pain, all he cares about is taking the pain away. He's not in the mood to hear about anything else.

I could NOT help myself, I said.. WH...I know EXACTLY how you feel. I feel the same exact way.

Silence.

I said, I'm at the point where all I can think about is having the pain end.

THIS IS WHAT THIS IDIOT SAYS...... My pain is real, I don't know what you're talking about, by my pain is here, and it's real.

I see that corner up ahead, and I'm JUST about ready to make it.

Yes, my vows were for better or for worse, but once the A is uncovered, and he choses to stay at his mother's while both of us try to win his affection is disrespectful to everyone. My vows also said, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS.....so I think I'm kind of off the hook on the better or worse part.

I'm sorry. I'm just really at the end of a very long rope, and my choices are to hang him with it, or let go. I'm dangerously close to letting go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I spent 3 months trying to figure out how to handle WW's EA before I found MB. When I found MB in Dec, I studied Plan A, and once I fully understood it, I employed it with a vengence.

Somehow, I managed to convince myself my feelings were no longer in play. I forced myself to become "comfortably numb" to all fog speak. The more I was provoked, or the more frustrated I became, the number my feelings became. In fact, I turned it into a game. The meaner, angrier, uglier she got, the more charming and funny I became. Words could no longer provoke LB's, DJ's, angry outburst, nothing. It drove her nuts!!!

So I say, stay on course! It works! You'll catch a break or two along the way. Listen keenly to positive things that "slip" out of WS's mouth, and use them to your advantage. They'll sometimes give you little clues as to how to meet their EN's even during Fogspeak.

Stay strong, and have faith!!!

SD

I'll try that immediately. I think I'd fair better with some time of response from him.

So far all I've gotten from him is that he believes in some what he's a spectator. He's just sitting back and watching what I do. He says...you're doing fine.

I don't think I'll ever understand that the BS ends up putting in triple duty, while the WS gets to have their cake, eat it, AND have someone clean up their mess.

Against my better judgement, I'll continue Plan A... for a BIT longer. But pretty soon I'll have to go to Plan B, because I'm starting to feel resentment for him grow more and more. To protect him FROM me, once I hit that point....I'll move swiftly into Plan B.

Try to stay in Plan A for a little longer, then you can go to Plan B, which is quite pleasant.

Thanks believer, like I said, I'll try for a little while longer, I'm quite worn out from it, and I know my heart's no longer in it.

Maybe the rollercoaster will start again, but for the time being, I've gotten off the ride.

I'm feeling bitter resentment still this morning after a decent's night sleep.

I know what he's losing, and he said he has to do this, if he loses it, well he didn't have it before so he'll just risk that.

Let her have him, he ain't no walk in the park.

dear betrayed---we know exactly how you feel. we've all been there. please dont give in to your anger and resentment. it isnt good for YOU. plan a is about making yourself stronger, better and able to deal with all this. if you went off on him and threw him to the curb and moved on could you look at yourself in the mirror and like what you see. or would you rather see someone who has tried EVERYTHING!!! i know of what i speak...believe me. LOL my husband actually patted me on the head and told me what a good job i was doing---all the time while he did nothing and was still in contact with ow(i didnt know that at the time) AND>>>>>>>i actually didnt kill him!!!!! now however when i think of it i still want to smack him!!!LOL

sprezz and the others can tell you all ive been through with a conflict avoiding wh who thinks the elephant is going to go away on its own. it almost funny now. almost 2 1/2 yrs later i am happy i did all i did. yes it is crap at times.....but ya know what...i stayed true to myself and what i believe, i kept my honor and my vows and i have my pride because i have done everything i could. it feels really good.

he is finally comming around after all this time...so i know how it feels. unfortunately you are at the beginning....and have a long way to go. that is why plan a is important....for you and your strength. if you get to the point where its over....and you've done all you can...then you've earned your divorce. dont let the emotions rule you, i almost made that mistake also...glad i didnt.

ps. sprezzis right----we both talk and got together to go out. the in-person support is another level all together---i know if i need her/ or her me---we are there. let us know if you need anything.

Thanks nikko.
I'm here at work, blocking him pleasantly from my mind.
Right now, to me he's a creep.
If and when he calls me today, may or may not change the way I feel.
We'll see.
But I know I am NOT calling him.

good morning.....everyday- you get to CHOOSE-to go on-or not... to honor YOUR vows,or not... to forgive yourself and your WS...or not. Do you want to stay married to the one who let you down? Who is lost? who needs someone to count on? ((you have US!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I know it ain't fair- but it is here and real. Can you give it all you've got? can you live with the regret of not giving it all you have to give? the pain from betrayal will follow you; whichever path you choose, so choose carefully. You do have amazing capacity to give-its there for the taking-pray for Gods grace everyday and you will receive it in abundance. None of this is easy-it all takes so much time and patience and giving and love.

I don't know what books you have or not but I can recommend a few that aren't strictly A related; The Power of a Praying Wife-by Stormie O'Martian, you can buy it at WalMart. Also Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach, is a book I've been reading over and over for years. Dr. Wayne Dyer has a new book out about Intention-very good. Along the way you will get yourself a new outlook and come what may.....you'll be better for your effort. don't underestimate yourself!!

daily!:

Oh,God, give me grace for this day.
Not for a lifetime, nor the next week, nor
for tomorrow, just for this day.
Direct my thoughts and bless them,
Direct my work and bless it.
Direct the things I say and give them blessing too.
Direct and bless everything that I think and speak and do. So that for this one day, just this one day, I have the gift of grace that comes from your presence...

Expect to have hope rekindled-expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again.

PEACE OUT...and IN !

Thank you so much for your support. I am really struggling with just being inside myself. Not looking for anything to or from him.

I keep being kicked off my tracks, probably because I have a difficult time accepting I can only mend my own aches.

He called moments ago.

He's at the office, feeling a bit better, he'll call me later.


The thought that he's in withdrawal FROM me, creeps in, and pushes me off my path. I think, maybe he doesn't love me, maybe he does WANT to move away, and begin a new life, but can't seem to stay away from me ?

I'm praying, I'm praying, I'm praying. I'm putting little post its around my PC here at work for strength.

So far, all I've read is SAA, and it depressed me terribly. I don't know if OW is still in picture, I know she's there in his heart either way, and that's a huge hurt for me.

DANG that ow anyway. I've got a real viper myself. but repeat after me....FORGET HER-don't let her have any of you and your spirit-concentrate on YOU and your foggy mate-its him-not you and not her.

I read this when the viper gets under my skin:

ONE THAT DEALS IN EVIL SHALL FLEE TO THEIR OWN DOOM, LET NONE STAND IN THEIR WAY

I've had a few meetings with her-much to her dismay-shes a coward and a menace. I've listened to her lies, her pleadings and her fog. I've seen her actions and they don't follow her words. Shes chosen her pathetic position and she is killing herself with her own poison. I haven't seen anyone post this lately but this is TRUE;

RESENTMENT IS LIKE SWALLOWING POISON AND WAITING FOR THE OTHER PERSON TO DIE.

everyday- try again to let her go, shes counting on you letting her eat you alive. Eleanor Roosevelt said this: YOU GAIN STRENGTH, COURAGE AND CONFIDENCE BY EVERY EXPERIENCE IN WHICH YOU REALLY STOP TO LOOK FEAR IN THE FACE...YOU MUST DO THE THING THAT YOU CANNOT DO.

have you run out of post-it notes yet? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

PEACE OUT...and IN !

My marriage is in trouble.
I think serious trouble.
I don't think this is the only OW.
Just this one got emotional attached.
I'm leaning more and more towards this is an internet thing.

How else is someone in TEXAS going to be involved with my WH here in JERSEY ?

I've found floppy disks of pictures of women. Recently he got a camera phone.

I'm seeing real issues here.

Can't poke, this may have been going on during my entire marriage. I wouldn't know.

God does, and I'll let him lead me.

This is agony, but I've picked my drop dead date.
May 16th. 3 months from D-Day.Also his birthday.
Also the weekend we are supposed to go to the Poconos.
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
IF, nothing changes EITHER way, and I'm still stuck in some sick holding pattern, it's time for me to fly.

Hopefully by then it either won't come to that, OR... I'm strong enough to move on and know I've done my part.

Of course he doesn't KNOW May 16th is end of line day. I'm just not willing to let my life lie in limbo past that.

I put 6 years into this. And maybe only 5 were good. But I will not allow myself to be crucified for the mistakes I've made either. I'm trying. Seeing the problem was half the battle.

Unfortunately, I think this is EXACTLY where WH wants to be. Face it, has me, has her, has mom waiting on his every beckon call. No cooking, no cleaning....just continuous affection from all concerned. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

What a fool I'm being played for.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
Well 2 months,I guess I can be played a fool for 2 months. Then that big fat A word goes down on paper and I get the spousal support I'm entitled to, and don't let the Door hit him where the Good Lord split him. His loss. I'm a decent and above all HONEST person. My fault was severe, but I really only had ONE. The kids. Needless to say, I'm fixing that on my own, and she'll be 18, he just turned 20... how much longer will they really be a "the" problem ?

Betrayed,

I have never posted here, but my heart just breaks for you, & even though my situation is a different, OC is involved. I have no children w/ my H so it puts me in a "why are you trying to work this out anyway?" category. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am attaching a prayer that I hope will help you in your stand. Take care of yourself & try not to rush plan A. I just found this site last month & have done everything opposite of Plan A & it doesn't seem fair that we the BS seem to have to do all the work but that is the way it is. Doing it my way certainly has not produced any positive results.

Hope this comforts you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We pray that God will grant ____________ and all prodigals repentance, leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to
their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to his will. Thank You Father that You have rescued our
prodigals from the dominion of darkness and brought them into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgive-
ness of their sins.

We pray that each prodigal will count themselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. We pray that they will not let sin reign in
their mortal body so they will not obey its evil desire. Our prayer is that ____________ and each prodigal will offer themselves to God, as
those who have been brought from death to life; and offer their body to Him as instruments of righteousness.

Search ____________ and each
prodigal, O God, and know their heart; test them and know theiranxious thoughts. See if their is any offensive way in them, and lead them in the way everlasting.

Set ____________ and each prodigal free
from their prison, that each one may praise Your name. Lord cleanse ____________ and all prodigals from all their impurities and from all their idols. Give them a new heart and put a new spirit in them.

Remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. Lord, You said You would save them from all their uncleanness. Thank
You Lord, that You will save them from all their sinful backsliding, and You will cleanse them. Lord You said, on the day You cleanse____________ and our prodigals from all their sins, You will resettle their towns and the ruins will be rebuilt.

All will know that You the Lord have rebuilt what was destroyed and have replanted what was
desolate. You have spoken, and You will do it. They will be Your people, and You will be their God. You will give them singleness of heart and action, so that they will always fear You for their own good and the good of their children after them. Praise the Lord. Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever. Amen.

(Scriptures taken from: 2 Timothy 2:25-26, Colossians 1:13-14, Romans
6:11-13, Psalm 139:23-24, Psalm 142:7, Ezekiel 36:25-26,29,33,36,
Ezekiel 37:23, Jeremiah 32:38, and Psalm 106:1.)

Betrayed,

I have never posted here, but my heart just breaks for you, & even though my situation is a different, OC is involved. I have no children w/ my H so it puts me in a "why are you trying to work this out anyway?" category. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am attaching a prayer that I hope will help you in your stand. Take care of yourself & try not to rush plan A. I just found this site last month & have done everything opposite of Plan A & it doesn't seem fair that we the BS seem to have to do all the work but that is the way it is. Doing it my way certainly has not produced any positive results.

Hope this comforts you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We pray that God will grant ____________ and all prodigals repentance, leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to
their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to his will. Thank You Father that You have rescued our
prodigals from the dominion of darkness and brought them into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgive-
ness of their sins.

We pray that each prodigal will count themselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. We pray that they will not let sin reign in
their mortal body so they will not obey its evil desire. Our prayer is that ____________ and each prodigal will offer themselves to God, as
those who have been brought from death to life; and offer their body to Him as instruments of righteousness.

Search ____________ and each
prodigal, O God, and know their heart; test them and know theiranxious thoughts. See if their is any offensive way in them, and lead them in the way everlasting.

Set ____________ and each prodigal free
from their prison, that each one may praise Your name. Lord cleanse ____________ and all prodigals from all their impurities and from all their idols. Give them a new heart and put a new spirit in them.

Remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. Lord, You said You would save them from all their uncleanness. Thank
You Lord, that You will save them from all their sinful backsliding, and You will cleanse them. Lord You said, on the day You cleanse____________ and our prodigals from all their sins, You will resettle their towns and the ruins will be rebuilt.

All will know that You the Lord have rebuilt what was destroyed and have replanted what was
desolate. You have spoken, and You will do it. They will be Your people, and You will be their God. You will give them singleness of heart and action, so that they will always fear You for their own good and the good of their children after them. Praise the Lord. Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever. Amen.

(Scriptures taken from: 2 Timothy 2:25-26, Colossians 1:13-14, Romans
6:11-13, Psalm 139:23-24, Psalm 142:7, Ezekiel 36:25-26,29,33,36,
Ezekiel 37:23, Jeremiah 32:38, and Psalm 106:1.)

What are the chances that my WH is just spending time with me, "every now and then".... because he really DOESN'T love me, truly wants the other person, and is just feeling overwhelmed with guilt, until I get into a stronger place.

I wonder about that seriously.

I mean, if I pull back 100%, and keep absolutely positive, that I'm okay. I'm doing great...

Any thoughts ?

i dont want to make the day any worse, but after beeing married a short time why in jersey do you think your gonna get spousal support???

i live here and i have never heard of it. i dont want you to set yourself up because your counting on something that isnt there.