Hi Jersey,

I have read the first couple pages of your posts.
You and I kinda of have something in common.
Where in Texas is that OW? I'll explain later.
Ali!

All I know is Center Texas, not much more.

I have a good shot at spousal support, especially since he's agreeable to it.

Can't seem to get my act together folks.

I'm starting to think Plan A is only enabling him.

The thoughts are running through my head at the speed of light at this point.

I am now off the rollercoaster and landed face down in the tilt-a-whirl.

Stop this madness, I want to get off.

I understand and Im not going to tell you what to do. Problem with this whole mess is when the rollercoasters going, you never know what to believe or how to act. It sucks and thats all I can really except to tell you I will pray for you.

I'm sorry folks but I gave up last night. I guess to you all it's Plan B, but not to me.
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night, knowing he's talking to her.
I've heard now she's moving up here and may be pregnant.
I'll be okay.
I wish you all the very best of luck, and hope you have the strength and endurance to get your marriages back.
I choose no. I'd rather be alone.
Good luck to you all, and thank you for all the support you've given to me throughout this difficult time.
My WH is not the man I married, and in my heart, he'll never be again, that man died someway, so I'll just mourn his passing.
I know in time, I'll be okay, but know for ME....this is the right thing.

Oh betrayed! Many hugs your way.

You are truly a strong woman. I read part of this thread and your strengh shows everywhere. You deserve the best.

hiya jersey- really hate to see you "toss it in" so quickly- hope you can relax and really figure out if D is best-ultimatums are hard to give and receive- praying for the best for you ALL......

PEACE OUT ...and IN !

What are the chances of his fog working in my favor right now ?
I've LB'd like crazy over the last two days.
I am so hurt. I can't keep my feelings in check.
I'm so lost.
I'm so confused.
It's NOT getting better it's getting worse.

Betrayed - please don't give up so easily. You need to stick with us and get support. I am very close to D, but plan to stay here through the D, and maybe even into dating again.

I plan to fully recover from this so I don't drag these problems along for the rest of my life. You can too.

It's been a long time since I posted ... and I rarely post in this forum at all, but I heard about betrayedinjersey and came to see if there was any kind of support I could offer.

Let me start by saying that reading your thread made me cry. And there's a couple of reasons why... First, it sucks, it hurts like nothing else ever can hurt - I know it, I've been there, and reading your thread brought me back to my own situation. Second, from all that I've read about your story and situation, you really do have a chance to make a new marriage with this man, and it makes me sad that you want to give up already.

So... I hope you will find some of this useful or inspiring or something... and I hope you can forgive my bouncing around from one thing to another, because it's after midnight and my brain is not so useful at this time of day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I might be able to offer better support in a more interactive environment, but I thought it best to start here.

First, I will echo the advice given by all the others here. You are in too much pain to make major decisions with clarity. The piece of paper saying you are divorced doesn't have to come tomorrow... or next week. And even if it did, it doesn't go away with that piece of paper. If you rush to get a divorce right now, you will never know for sure if you could have saved the marriage. If you wait, read the books, believe in the concepts that Dr. Harley and many others write about, and apply them to the best of your ability, no matter how it all works out in the end, you will KNOW that you YOU did everything you could have done. And, believe me, that is so very important...

Now, I'm not remembering every detail, so forgive me if I misremember or ask something you've already answered elsewhere. Are you counseling with anyone? If so, is it a pro-marriage individual who is familiar with Dr. Harley's Marriage Builders approach? If not Dr. Harley, perhaps some of these names: Michele Weiner-Davis (Divorce Busting), Dr. Phil, Gary Chapman ... It doesn't matter if he will go or not, YOU should go. If you can't find anyone who uses the approaches of Marriage Builders or any of the other names here, perhaps at least one telephone session with Steve Harley or one of the other excellent Marriage Builders counselors might help. I recall that you mentioned anti-d's somewhere. I went on anti-depressants when my husband left, and I would probably not be here today if I hadn't. There is nothing wrong with getting a little bit of assistance smoothing out the sharp emotional edges for a few months - or however long it takes - and they don't numb you or make you "happy" - they help even out the extremes that you will experience throughout this process. If you are planning on taking them, remember that it can take up to 3 weeks before you really begin to feel a difference - and try try try to be patient.

From what I've read, your husband is following a pretty classic pattern. One thing that helped me be patient was reading everything about recovering a marriage that I could get my hands on. The statistics are sobering: Estimates are that upwards of 75% of all marriages encounter some kind of infidelity. But infidelity is actually not the most prevalent reason for divorce, and there are far more marriages that have recovered from infidelity than anyone would imagine. It IS possible, and it's happening here and now. Divorce, while quite often touted as harmless, proves to be at the heart of the emotional problems of adult children as well as minor children - including step-children. Married people live longer than single people...

I don't advocate that people stay married no matter what. Certainly physical abuse and mental cruelty are good reasons for divorce (although, with the proper intervention and counseling, some abusive marriages can even recover) And it is far more likely that a marriage counselor will eventually recommend divorce if there are no children of the marriage - unfortunately for some of us, divorce is more likely to be the outcome if there are no children.

And there are other statistics and things to learn about relationships. You are FAR better off with him being involved with someone who is at a distance than with someone who is right in the same town. The OW will be love-busting right and left, and if YOU can Plan A (even if you limit contact with him, you can Plan A - sometimes even better), then his time with her will be aggravating and unpleasant, and his time with you will be soothing and calm. And in Plan A, you are learning good relationship skills and applying them to your own relationship. Even if your marriage does not recover, you will have learned invaluable lessons about yourself and about intimate relationships... And by following the Marriage Builders plans A & B for surviving an affair, you do all that you can to save your marriage, and then you protect yourself until it is either saved or over. Read the books - read everything about saving marriages that you can get your hands on.

Read the articles on this site - several of them are referenced in other areas of the forum. I noticed the word "enabling" many times in this thread - read Dr. Harley's take on "enabling" and "co-dependence" - I think you will find it interesting and refreshing.

One thing I think is a key thing to remember: Look at the positive things about your marriage and your life, because they are how things can be if you work at recovering your marriage. Your marriage is a major part of you and of your life. You said you have been involved with this man for over 6 years, and maybe 5 of them have been good... Well, instead of looking at it negatively, look at it this way: Only one of them hasn't been good. Remember what it was about your husband that attracted you to him in the first place... and what was it about you that attracted him? Why did you marry this particular man?

I noticed you said that he is no longer the man you married ... you know, that's very true. And your marriage will never be the same again. Things really cannot go back to the way they used to be. However, they can be BETTER than they were. Nobody should go off and betray his or her spouse in order to make his/her marriage better - but the fact remains that because of this, you will learn more about yourself, your feelings, your marriage and you will learn about how to make the best marriage you can have. Relationship skills can be used in all of your relationships - family, friends - not just your marriage. Sometimes learning how to make your non-marital relationships better helps to make your marital relationship better. And even if you don't save it, you will have given it your best, your all, everything you could have given.

Finally, I just want to say that you have gotten more response and input from your husband over the last 3 weeks than many of us ever got from any of our spouses. Many of us would give our right arms for our spouses to have spent intimate time with us, or to have even told us that there was a chance. Which reminds me of one other thing I wanted to say ... Try not to judge your progress on what your husband says or does right now. While the MB catch phrase "the fog" does fit rather well, it's a little more complicated than that. There are varying degrees of betrayal in a marriage... remember there are other vows that have likely been broken along the way by both of you. We rarely remember all of the vows we make in marriage. We promised to love, to honor, to cherish, in sickness and health, for better or worse ... Most of us break the honor and cherish parts quite early on and pretty regularly. Unfortunately, that's what will most often lead to the conditions that lead some of our spouses to believe that there is no more love, that they need to look elsewhere for their happines. Don't get me wrong - YOU did nothing to make him have an affair. That was a choice that he made all on his own. If he had treated having an affair the way all married couples should treat important decisions, then he would have asked you what you thought about that - and you would certainly not have said "Gee, hon, I think that's a great idea - go right ahead." There was no marital discussion about whether or not cheating was something that should happen. It was a selfish and hurtful decision on his part. But it was one that somehow seemed right to him at the time. And where his head is at right now is some place that you can't understand. He made this choice to have an affair because he felt his emotional needs weren't being met in the marriage. He may feel betrayed in that respect. After the emotional withdrawal that you describe in your marriage, he will find your turn around very difficult to believe in. I remember my husband saying "what if you go back to being the way you were before?" and I understood that he was suspicious of my changes, that he didn't believe that I could maintain the changes I had made to myself FOR myself. The only way you can convince him that his best choice is you and the marriage, is by making changes in yourself as recommended by Marriage Builders and other pro-marriage counselors and/or organizations and maintaining those changes. That takes time and patience. In that time, you will discover YOURSELF. And you will learn to love yourself - which really IS the greatest love of all. There is much truth in the often quoted "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours; if it doesn't then it never really was." It's a crazy difficult balance to keep at a time when our emotional stability isn't so great... Plan A and protecting ourselves from further hurt. You can do it. You have to believe in you and your marriage.

I hope that this has been of some comfort, help, or something. At the very least, I hope it has been coherent enough to understand. Feel free to e-mail if you'd like.

Terri, thank you so much for clarifying some demons in my mind.

The last 2 days have been extremely difficult.

I couldn't seem to understand why one minute I wanted to try, and the next minute I wanted to quit.

My sister talked to me and she wasn't meaning to lead me in the direction I took, but one of the things she said was the reason I'm so emotionally drained is that I'm in limbo and haven't truly MADE a decision either way. She said, you have to make a decision and stick to it. Know that either decision comes with both positive and negative outcomes.

I contemplated this and really thought about what was going on inside my head. I had convinced myself in order to get off the rollercoaster, I have to give up and walk away.

I had a revelation. And you can NOT believe the difference it's made in my life. The mistakes that have been made by both myself AND my husband are in total disrepair. HOWEVER, I love my WH with every beat of my heart. If I continue to try to push that feeling away, I only hurt myself.

So I put the past in a box and handed it over to God. Yesterday was the beginning. What got me here, isn't what is going to get me OUT of here. Every time I hear something the OW said sneaking into my head, I rebuke it.

This is MY day, this is MY life, this pain is not going to cripple me, I can't not fix what's broken, and I made the mistake of trying.

I can start over. And that's what I chose to do. My actions from this point on, have nothing to do with my WH. My new found attitude is not interdependant on him.

When he came over last night, he was quite suspicious. He kept looking at me with the puzzled look on his face. And I looked at him at one point and said why do you keep looking at me that way. I said What way....he said...you're up to something.

I told him, I'm not up to anything. The past is the past. It's over, it's too heavy a burden to carry with me every day so I'm leaving it where it belongs.

I told him the fact remains, I'm very much in love with him, his knee jerk reaction was to ask me if I was SO in love with him, why is he out of the house ?

I could have had some nice encouraging words for him, which would have turned into a he said she said, but instead, I rebuked it and said, WH, that was something that happened in the past. I'm not revisiting it. I see the pain in your face every single day, and if you could see you way into letting it all go...you'd feel relief too.

You saw the light go off then and there. He left, kissed me goodbye, borrowed some of his DVDs for his mom. While walking to his car, without looking back, I heard him mumble, she's up to something, I know it.

TADA !

Today is the first morning I've taken myself out of the bed and felt that the weight of this situation was going to bury me.

Thank you all again for your support and encouragement. You are all touchstones that carry me through my days.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm sorry for not replying sooner, I’ve been away and this is the first chance I’ve had to post..

Heartbroken,
I hate the FOG, there is nothing more we BS wish for that dim light bulb to finally go off for the WH to go, WHAT AM I DOING ???[/B]
This is much easier said than done; "BREATHE", what you are going through is normal, you'll have days when you're going to want to throw in the towel and the next day you'll say "What was I thinking? I think we can really make it work." And the next day you'll be feeling something else; anger, frustration, hurt, despair, happiness, peace, it's a pattern I think everyone of us has gone through.

It is not unusual for the WS to keep the OW and the BS on the fence. As much as this hurts, he's getting something from her that he's not getting from you, and you're giving him something that he's not getting from her. In his mind, he's probably thinking he's got the best of both worlds. Fog is a terrible and confusing time not only for the WS but for us as well, because tend to second guess our decisions and judgment we too are in a sort of fog, between accepting and denying and we are constantly on a roller coaster: One minute up then the next down.

The progress in my M at the beginning was slow, the OW was still around and to make matters worse, we all worked at the same place, although I don't work with my H or OW we work for the same company, so I had to see her all the time (she's still there) that made recovery even harder for me. But I refused to give up, I knew that my H loved me, I would look in his eyes and I saw the love that he still had for me even though he wanted to leave. I would not give up I married him for better or for worse. I took my vows to heart and when I said I do. The worse had come before the better but I believed in my vows, my marriage and the love I still felt we shared.

At the height, he moved out into his own apartment and kept me on one side of the fence and the OW on the other. After two months, I had enough and left for a couple of days without telling him, to soul search and to find out what it was I really wanted – stay or leave. I made arrangements for my kids and left. This drove him nuts because he was so used to me being there when he called, when he didn't know where I was, he called everyone looking for me, only one person knew where I was in case they needed to contact me for emergency. I did not give in, he finally figured out where I could possibly be and wanted to “fight” for us. He slipped one more time after that, and that is when I absolutely had it. I went to work and threw my wedding ring at her, slapped her across the face, told her if she wanted my H she could I have him I was through. I was off on mental stress otherwise I would have been fired for doing what I did.

He got angry at me for doing this to him, I told him I did nothing to him, he did it to himself and I left, told me I embarrassed him, humiliated him. Honestly, I didn’t care, I felt empowered that day and that was the beginning of the end.

That night he ended it with her, we had rough times and scary times, I went through the withdrawal with him, when he would mope around or just stare into space. This lasted about six months.
I could go on and on about all the things that went on with us. It has been 3 years and there are days where it's still hard sometimes, but our marriage is stronger and better.


As you have probably read, we have all been where you are right now one way or another. Right now it’s hard for you because you’re in the middle of it. Three years ago, I thought I would never get over it, that I would never be happy I was at the lowest place in my life. But, the promising thing is – things do get better with time.

Don’t give in or up yet. From what I’m reading you’re H is receptive to what you’re doing. Slowly bring your future up in conversations. Take advantage of the time that you do spend together, he will see what he could lose. I know it’s hard for you to believe but it’s true. I am one of the many who have been there and have proven that you can survive this.

This board is a life saver for many people, almost everyone on here knows how you’re feeling and what you’re dealing with.

If I were to offer you advice it would be this: Do not give up so easily, you are doing a fantastic job and like I said you will have your days, it’s not easy and people don’t pretend that it is, it is hard. A lot of people here are telling you not to give up so easy, I’m one of them. You are in the very beginning of discovering your H’s A. We all know what you’re going through, we’ve been there. Come here to vent like you’ve been doing, get the anger, the hurt, the pain out on this board.

If you’re not seeing an IC, that could be something you look into, it helps a lot. I saw one for 8 months and I think it was one of the best things I did. Also, write in a journal, sometimes writing your deepest feelings and re-reading them can be amazing therapy.

You’re doing great, keep it up.

Hugs.

GO JERSEY! now yer gettin' it.....!! hard to see and give yourself a break thru the red blur of extreme pain- CHOOSING is DAILY- praying for you....

PEACE OUT...and IN !!

I completely understand what you're saying "Heartbroken".
Letting go of all that's happened was a torturing experience.
There are no guarantees in life.
But my WH is not going to get an opportunity to walk away from someone hurtful and angry.
He's going to have to close the door on someone happy, supportive, loving, and forgiving.
At my lowest point, where I want to lash out at him, I'll be HERE, lashing out. I can not do that to him EVER again. What's done is done, if I keep pouring gas on the fire, it will never go out, and continue to burn everyone.

I'm trying !
I keep falling over myself, but I'm trying.
My WH always told me, still tells me, I think too much. Then my thinking turns into things that aren't even close to being true.
I'm trying NOT to do anything.
time, patience, space, kindness, no emotional outbursts, no pushing, no nagging.
it's SO hard !

This is the part of the day when I start to lose my cool. Haven't heard anything from WH today at all, no call or anything. $500 has been taken out of the primary account. I THINK it's to pay his mother rent for the 3 weeks he's been there so far.

I know...time...space...patience...when you're used to hearing from someone every single day for the last six years of your life, you MISS it, and your mind starts to wonder.

Last night was a good start, I know I can't retreat, he may be testing me. I have to be steadfast in my actions. Please help me be steadfast.

Today is the first day in 6 years I haven't spoken or seen my WH.

My heart is full of sadness right now.

I think I'm trying to give him time to come back to me, and I think he's taking the time to try to go on without me.

I have to accept what's meant to be, will be, and what's not meant to be will just never happen.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hang in there. You are still very new to this. You will have lots of ups and downs. It is not good at first, but will get better later.

Last night I heard nothing. For the first time I started to believe this may be parting on friendly terms. We had coffee this morning, we talked about work and stuff, no relationship talk. He's been working quite a lot of hours. He didn't mention that he'd call me, or see me. Just kissed me goodbye a couple times.

One day at a time, just one day at a time. Yesterday was the 1st day in 6 years I didn't talk to him or see him. As hard as it was not to call him, I didn't.

I'm starting to feel it's over in my heart. Not on my part, on his. That's a hard pill to swallow, and I'm doing the best I can with it. The lightbulb still hasn't gone off for him. I know he loves me, it's in his eyes, when he looks at me, it's in his kiss. But I'm convinced he's trying to learn to live life without me. By giving him time and space, no pressure, and no pursuing, I realize that I am probably enabling that, but what choice am I left with ?

My heart hurts <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Sounds very familiar. My wife just admitted in coundelling that she really doesnt want to be around me. Doesnt like me, but she loves me. Im telling ya I know how it feels to be the only one putting forth any effort at all. I know how much it hurts and I know how angry it makes you. From all of the things I've been reading on this site, he could still wake up as could my wife.. I'm not really holding my breath right now though. As far as the not calling goes I understand, I struggle with that every day. Its just not fair to be treated like the unclean thing when you arent the one that strayed. Hang in there and keep praying. I really need to say thanks again to everyone who has put in their 2 cents. Helps to slow down the rollercoaster ride.