Medic,
I've been praying, but to be honest, last night I was on my knees, and I prayed out loud for about 30 minutes.

I turned this over 100%, asked for comfort and acceptance. Thanked God for the gift of the opportunity to find my WH.

Prayed for the strength and comfort to accept whatever his (God's) plan is for me.

It helped.

I am weak.

It's just sad that we have no way of knowing if any effort we ever put into this is really worth it. I know everyone is right about, helping yourself, knowing yourself better, the future YOU. I'll tell you what. The future me will be forever single.

I'm a good friend, a good daughter, a good mother, a good aunt, a good worker, an honest, caring person. If I can't be my WH good wife, then it just isn't in the cards for me.

The rollercoaster ride continues.

FOG TALK ????

Tonight I was going to a "mutual" friends house that we hadn't seen for quite some time.

I decided to leave WH a voicemail, asking if this was appropriate, if he was okay with it, as long as I didn't discuss what's really happening...i.e...the A.

About 30 minutes later....out of CLEAR blue...WH calls me...chatting about how many hours he has to work today and tomorrow...has to get up at 2 AM....never brings up my message.

I BRING UP...did you get my voicemail...WH says...yea... says...you can go over there...I don't see why you have to tell them anything. I said, being in PLAN A and all.... if you're not comfortable with me going over there, I won't. Now he gets aggitated, tells me...do what you want, it's YOUR life, I'm not going to tell you what to do with it.

EVERYONE TELLS ME.... HE'LL BE BACK....WE KNOW WH...HE'LL BE BACK....HE LOVES YOU.. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

My heart is telling me he'll NEVER be back. I love him, WANT him back.... am in Plan A until I am in agony...he isn't coming back. Not now, not ever.

If the FOG would LIFT...I'd have a better shot...but tonight I realized he's still DEEP in FOG.

How long does FOG last ???????

Don't THINK OW is still in picture. Can't be sure, won't ask.

One day he wants to be around me, calls me , the next day I'm nonexistent in his mind. What gives. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Betrayed and Medic -

Both of you need to hang in there. You are very new to this. My WH was completely gone from my life for 3 months - no visits, no money, nothing. Then all of a sudden he showed up and wanted to reconcile. I think if I had stuck to the program here (Plan A) we would be back together by now.

But I threw him out on D-day. I had completely given up on our marriage and suddenly he was back in my life. You two are just in the beginning of this. Miracles do happen everyday.

Believer, I threw my WH out on Dday as well. I know it's against these beliefs, but I didn't know of them until later on.

HOWEVER, in my particular case, this would not have worked if I hadn't.

My WH is difficult to live with WITHOUT the A, and my instability right now.

I'm not in a place to be in Plan A consistently EVERY day, and am sometimes glad all I get is a call...because it's difficult to hide ANGER.

I'm trying...every day...I'm trying. How will it end...we may never know.

How are ya today Jersey? Just wondering about ya.

Hi Medic,
You know, ups, downs, want to give up, want to crawl up and shut the world out. Want to think of the positives, but can't. At least I'm not bombarding him with these ups and downs.

You know, your heart tells you one thing, your head tells you another.

My heart, won't give up, but my head, tells me...let go and move on.

How are you doing ? Weekends are the worst aren't they ?

Sundays are the worst. Right now I'm having some fun with the kids. They are howevertrying my patience today. I woke up several times last night to two little girls kicking me. I ended up going and sleeping in their room. I posted a link on the thread that I started, that you should try and look at. I have fought the urge to forward it to my wife but I think it would only make her angrier right now. Take care, and try to male the best of it.

Some days seem SO easy, while others seem impossible.

I can't find a trigger, that makes the day turn either way. It just is.

I'm not sure I've gotten through a single day without tears of some kind, either frustration, anger, resentment, sadness, or pure heartbreak.

Time...Time...Time.

I want the crystal ball that tells me how this will all end so I can plan accordingly.

I tried to get to your thread earlier, but was unable to load the page. I'll try again.

Have a fun day !

I am getting to the point that I want to give up again.

Why don't I have any patience ?

Patience is a virtue right ?

Do I no longer have virtues ?

I'm starting to feel desperate.

I'm so darned lonely I can't stand it. All the company in the world doesn't chase away my feeling of total confinement to my own heartbreak.

I feel like such a loser.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

hey jersey- crying. for me... a solid year+ EVERYDAY and I am the least likely-who knew. turned out to be just what was necessary-I think it was therapeutic and I let it happen. I also sat in this chair and read for 6 months- about 8 hours a day. learning- changing,choosing,forgiving. I switched from the trauma center here at JFO to recovery very quickly- can't say if that was good or bad but its what I did. We never lived apart- don't think it would have helped. Plan A is not easy- alot of it works but you've got to follow your gut too. as long as my H is MY H, I feel free to call him and say I feel bad- I feel better- I feel "whatever" - I had to learn to shut up and walk away too-but if I felt like coming back- I did that too. try to relax- write- writing has amazing power- to figure things out- read it later and see how your ideas and feelings have changed and grown-from night til morning- from week to week- soon months will go by and you will see major changes. you will survive.

Once you have chosen and made clear your choice, keep at it. if you choose to say "bag it" , aren't you doing essentially what your WS did? If you had fallen so hard.......would you want someone to look for your lost self? theres no shame in putting your M back together- hang in there- chin up while the waters rise...!

PEACE OUT...and IN !

Good morning Sprezz.
Today I woke up feeling differently once again. What I have learned is not to let WH see this side. That's why its a good thing he isn't here.

It's slipping away. He's letting it go, and a little bit day by day, I'm letting it go too. I'm not calling, and his calls are more and more infrequent. I only saw him once for about 30 minutes this whole week.

I'm not chasing. I'm working at it, but I'm not chasing. There's some self respect left in me after all.

Of course by tomorrow I'll feel badly again, and want to try to change the course of things a little bit, but I realized that I don't have that ability. I can only control my own course.

Perhaps I'll love my WH forever. I've been told that he may live this way for the rest of his days, do I really want to carry his burden too ?

Since Dday, I've been the one putting forth all the effort. He got to bath in the Plan A, had to struggle through my temper tantrums once or twice. In the end I ended up apologizing to him for badgering him. What is THAT ?

Not since Dday, only one other time, had I heard any true remorse from him. He easily forgave himself for what he did to me, but can't find it in his heart to forgive me for my mistakes ?

Live and let live.

One day at a time. My journey continues.

dear betrayed---what "THAT" IS, is a selfished, fogged in wandering spouse who will someday have to face all this alone in a mirror. doing plan A relieves you of "THAT". you will be able to say i have done a good job and tried my best. he wont. he will someday face the guilt he is hidding from you, and let me tell you----its gonna suck to be him!

keep posting---we are here for ya!

I'm there today nikko. Don't know what tomorrow brings. I do have to admit, staying consistent in Plan A is a much better place.

Of course I have my down right can't pick myself off the floor moments. But those glimpses of what he's doing to himself sneak in, and I find some awkward comfort in it.

I hope he learns to let it go, I hope he learns to forgive himself, because I know until he is able to do those things, our marriage is dying a slow death.

However, HE'LL live the rest of HIS life knowing....I had something good, something GREAT...and I gave it up, I threw it away.

I hope in time.... if our marriage ends in divorce, he finds someone, and loves them as much as I loved him, someone he trusts with all his heart, someone he'd stand by no matter what...and I hope that woman does the SAME thing to him.

THEN my WH will truly understand Karma.

3 days without seeing WH really played with his mind. He called me yesterday, called me last night at bedtime.

We had coffee this morning. We spent most of the time just kissing. He doesn't say he loves me, but it's in his eyes. I won't say it either. He wants to come over later. He'll call me and let me know.

I said to him... I think you miss me...he admitted he did. I said isn't it aggrivating...he said what...I said.. the fact you can't walk away from me ? He said... you annoy the [censored] out of me. I said...I haven't bothered you at all, I've been good...he said...so far.

So Plan A is definately making my WH more attracted to me. I just have to learn to stay in it when things take the 180 again. That's where I keep making the mistake. I think we all go through...it's going to be okay...no it's not going to work...it's going to be okay...no it's not going to work... if I'm not consistent in my actions, he won't be able to see that it WILL be okay in time.

Any suggestions ?

I need a man's opinion here.

What the heck is my WH doing ?

Regardless of the fog, do men keep returning to the "BAD" place for any particular reason ?

I've given him every reason to stay away from me, yet he keeps bouncing in and out of my life.

He won't tell me he wants to make the marriage work. He just says one day at a time.

I keep making the mistake when he comes around that he wants to be married to me.

Honestly, could I just be a habit he can't seem to kick ?

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

At this point I don't know if he still has contact with the OW or not.

I'm still in Plan A. There was a lot of things I did that contributed to the breakdown of our marriage.

It's only been a month since Dday. I was never given his side of the story because I went to OW first. My WH never got an opportunity to tell me what happened, how, why, when, etc.

I'm not in a place to go to Plan B yet. IF and when I do get there, I'm prepared to go there, meaning, he choses to have no further contact with OW, period, and commits to making the marriage work.

It didn't take one month for my marriage to break down, and it's going to take more than a month to repair it.

Remember, not everyone decides on Dday that they've made a horrible mistake and ends the A. He's told me that he knows we have a great thing, he'd like to try to rebuild it.

I've gone through quite the rollercoaster with him over the last month. Including telling him I wanted a divorce (I've been telling him that for 6 months or more now).

I've said those things to try to threaten him into doing something or not doing something I wanted him to do.

Regardless of what's happened, and the fact we are married, my WH is still a person, with his own feelings, his own emotions, his own mistakes, and his own way of dealing with them.

He does see the strong side of me. But he also sees the person that has stood beside him where everyone else abandoned him.

I don't intend to stay in Plan A for the rest of my life, I have a drop dead date in my mind. Until I've reached that date, I'm working really hard on Plan A, to be a more attractive spouse to my WH. I don't want to set him up for failure any more than I want to set myself up for failure.

I like being intimate with him, I enjoy the coffee and I enjoy the kisses, and I WANT that. I'm not willing to let him have it at any cost, but for right now, this is who I WANT to be. I want him to feel that I'm his wife, for better or worse, and I have broad shoulders, he hasn't destroyed who I am.

WH just called. Did not mention coming over. Talked about his day. I listened. I asked how his mom was doing.

We spoke about nothing for 30 minutes. The whole time this wondering if he's going to talk to her tonight. BUT...I pushed it aside. Thinking about that won't help me.

He said he'd call me tomorrow, and I said okay. Then right before I hung up, he asked if we were going to have coffee in the morning.

I said sure.

If this is my first step, I like it. I like seeing rewards for my Plan A. I can not attack him anymore. I have to be the lighthouse.

I love my WH, and I want our marriage to work out. I can't imagine my life without him. He's my best friend, my lover, my entertainment. I find myself falling in love with HIM again with the plan A.

I don't know if that's what it's supposed to do or not, but right now, it's doing the trick for both of us.

He's much more receptive to me, when I'm not bashing him to death.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I'm not in a place to go to Plan B yet. IF and when I do get there, I'm prepared to go there, meaning, he choses to have no further contact with OW, period, and commits to making the marriage work. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi jersey- plan B is when you stop seeing him etc...til he makes up his mind. have I misunderstood what you wrote?

I hope that plan A- being the best you- does the job. Plan A is a lifetime plan, easy to see it makes sense- not so easy to follow through every moment! I hope the ow is gone-anyway for you to find out? at some point you'll have to discuss it. only you know your h and what to do/say each day-what to try-when to shut up and walk away. MB is a great support place and the principles are sound- but each couple has their own personality and there is no sure cure in a book. a month is so early- I think you are doing fine- you are trying and learning and giving it all you've got. the OP doesn't just disappear in most cases- thats the hard part. at some point I do believe there is some fear on the WS side of saying "I love you" or anything like that to their BS- they can see the devastation they have brought and pride keeps them fogged in still. I've been watching my h's MLC unfold for a long time- it just isn't quick or easy. Stay true to yourself- follow your gut- pray alot and remember it takes a long time to reconcile all the frayed bits.

PEACE OUT...and IN !!

I had coffee with WH again this morning. He made me cry. I held it in until I left.

He looked at me...hard right in my eyes...and said...Blondie...and laughed a little... he said...you remember that (referring to what he called me when we first started dating)

Looked away, and he started to cry.

I said.. hey..what's wrong.

He said...nothing. and turned away again.

I asked again... no, tell me... he said... how did we let this happen.

Instead of saying much.. all I said ...it's going to be okay. It happens to everyone. Just take some time, and think no matter how hard it is right now, it may be a price we have to pay for something better.

He's still really hurting. I left upbeat. But once I pulled that truck away, I cried all the way to work.