I guess I should start from the beginning and hope it makes sense. About 5 years ago my wife had an appointment for an ultrsound where she found out that she had a micarriage. I was working nights at the time and slept through the appointment. (accidentally). Her response to this was to have an affair which she remorsefully confessed to. Because she confessed to me, I decided to give her another chance, given the emotional, messed up frame of mind she was in. I did tell her that if she did it again we were through. I have to admit I have been rather controlling and overbearing over the years sometimes because of the paranoia the affair put into me. We should have gone to counselling then and didnt. We have 2 beautiful little girls now ages 3-4. My wife began acting alot like she did when she was having the first affair about six months ago. I asked her at least 3 different times if she was having one and she denied it. She went off on a long weekend by herself the first part of Jan, and before she could get home I got a call from a woman asking me to tell my wife to stop calling her husband 9wouldnt tell me who she was) I confronted my wife when she got home later that day and she denied it. She put her hand on a bible and swore she was innocent. Aweek later she waited until I was at work and moved out. We have been separated ever since, and going to caounselling. I still dont believe her. I have been venting to her father because I have gotten along with him better than she has for the last 8 years.She wouldnt talk to him unless she absolutely had to. About a week ago he got some info that she had been having an affair recently. When I confronted her about it she again denied it, (not very convincingly), I think shes afraid that I will fight her over the kids, and I will. She called her dad after I talked to her to find out who told him this. He says he wouldnt tell her, and that she cofessed to him that she had been having a recent affair. (she doesnt know he he knows about the first one.) I dont know what to do, I dont know who to believe, I dont really want a divorce, but I cant go on living with a liar. I should add that my wife is prone to severe depression and I have theories as to other things that could be wrong. She does not take any meds or go to therapy for it, but it runs in the family. I have to say the depression I'm sure about the other stuff is only theory. I know that I have had a role in the problems that we have, and have to deal with them, I just worry fro my kids and am confused on who to believe. I know this will all be hard to make sense of for anyone reading it, but I'm at my wits end and ready to give up. Thanks for any thoughts on the subject.

Start in Plan A. Read all about it here. You will need to calm down and stick with the plan, no matter how you are feeling. Usually women cheat because their emotional needs are not being met. Read about the emotional needs here and start trying to fill them.

When you have problems, come here and post. We have all been through the awful pain and will help you through this.

thankyou for responding. I have read Love Busters in the last couple weeks, and by that I can see I havent been all that great. She refuses to see where she needs work at this point and its very frustrating. I didnt mention that she is unaware that here father told me of her confession, I have half a mind to confront her in our next counselling session. I am going to go read the plan A section and see if Im willing to do it. Thanks again.

Medic,
Don't make any decisions until you're equipped to see things more clearly.
Read the information you find on this sight. Put some of the practices into play. Don't do it half way, and don't think it's a temporary fix.
In your readings of other posts, you'll see similiarities to your situation.
It sounds like the OM's spouse found out about the A, and confronted her WH enough to get your number. The first step (however painful) is outing the A, and it seems that's being done.
Keep reading, hang tight, and remember there are children involved, for a mother, that's a real deal maker.

Please read all about Plan A - no LB's, disrespectful judgements, showing her what a great H you can be. At first it will seem unacceptable to you. It will seem unfair. However it is necessary if you want to save your marriage.

Then if Plan A does not work in a few months, time for Plan B. But don't worry about that right now.

Im starting to wonder if I dont need some anti depressants myself. I feel like Im a stable person, until the last 3 months that is, Im just so angry right now and hurt I cant think straight. Does the WS have to still be in the home for planA or not? As I mentioned, she moved out.

No the wife does not have to be in the home. You just Plan A when you see or talk to her.

Anti-D's may be useful to you. I am taking them, and they have been a great help. Got them from my MD - didn't have to see a shrink. Since you are a man, be sure to ask about sexual side effects. I thing one called Wellbutrin (SP?) is good.

medic,

No, your WW doesn't have to be in the home for you to Plan A. You have less opportunities to put units in her love bank because she isn't home, but you can still try to meet her needs when she is present.

And yes, you might need some anti-depressants to help you through this rough time. Please see your doctor soon so he or she can evaluate your mental state and help you decide if meds would be helpful.

~ Snow

medic,

No, your WW doesn't have to be in the home for you to Plan A. You have less opportunities to put units in her love bank because she isn't home, but you can still try to meet her needs when she is present.

And yes, you might need some anti-depressants to help you through this rough time. Please see your doctor soon so he or she can evaluate your mental state and help you decide if meds would be helpful.

~ Snow

Medic,
My WH is out of the home (because I threw him out upon finding evidence of the A)... and I began Plan A (with a few set backs) the next day.
At first I didn't get many opportunities, but the more effort I put in, the more responsive to me he is, and the more time he wants to spend either with me, or talking to me on the phone.

I'll be the first to warn you, Plan A, doesn't always feel fair to you, but stick with it, you'll find yourself feeling better, and your WW will notice even more.

It takes time, time...your best friend, your worst enemy, but it's very much needed. Use the time to your advantage.

Im just venting here. I forgot to mention earlier in this post that my W was also ignoring our kids too. She was treating them almost as badly as she treated me. I tried explaining to her that they didnt deserve that and all she could do was whine about what she wanted. It broke my heart to see my little girls almost pining for their mommy and getting yelled at to just leave her alone. The other thing that is bugging me and making this hard, is that she has gone away for the weekend, every weekend she doesnt work, since she moved out. When she confessed to her dad that she had an affair recently she told him it was no longer going on, but her behavior puts the writing on the wall for me. So I guess when you say tht Plan A doesnt seem fair, you are absolutely right. I read another post where forgiveness was discussed, and the point was made that forgiveness was a concious choice. It was also said that as long as anger was there forgivness couldnt happen. Every time she goes away for the weekend, I get paranoid and angry all over again. I have not been the strongest Christian to ever walk over the years, and this event has begun to bring me back around, because that is the only place I can go to get any relief. I have to admit there have been some bible studies that really hit me hard, and they help, but Im only human. Would like to ask you all to pray for me, and I will do the same for you. Prayer is such a powerful thing.

You really didn't have to mention how she treats your little ones. Most of us already knew. That is because it is what they all do. They are like addicts getting their fix. Nothing else matters.

Take this time to really understand the MB program. You will start getting over the anger when you see she is operating directly from the WS script.

Medic,
I'll pray for you and your family. I pray for all families having to struggle with this terrible nightmare. I've received my copy of Surviving An Affair, and I have to tell you, I kind of lost hope there for awhile.

I accepted my share of the breakdown of our marriage to the point my WH had to go beyond our marital bond to get EN met somewhere else.

That's given me the knowledge and strength to FORGIVE, and I'm not saying that, I'm meaning it, please hear me. BUT, as much as I want my marriage back, and no matter how much I love my WH, I know I'm currently not in a place to FORGET to the point I won't wonder every minute of every day if he's talking to OW. That's MY demon to burn. There are things he can do, if and when it comes to that point, but I am sticking to Plan A as we speak.

I suspect that when the FOG lifts from your WW, not only will she be overwhelmed with guilt of what she's done to her, but also her children. You'll have to struggle right along with her to get her through that. (believe it or not, my WH recently gave ME an analogy that if you're in a plane, and the masks fall down, put your's on first, or you can't help anyone else) so put your mask on !

That's why you need to start preparing. This is going to become a very rocky road, much worse then you think it is right now. Keep reading, read, read, educate yourself.

Thanks for the rplies and the prayers. I get pretty bad on Sundays because thats when I have to take the kids back to see their mom. Just got back from church a little while ago, and that should make me feel better, but it seems like thats when the depression really hits. I have to take my little girls out of their home because their mother is being selfish. I'll get over it one of these days. I did order a copy of Surviving the Affair last night. Too many people on here commenting on how much it helped. As I stated before, I read love busters and that helped me to see my role in all this a little better too.

Took my kids back this evening, that always just sucks. WW just acted like she didnt really give a crap like always. I got a little touchy when she made a face when I tried to give her a hug. I called her back after I was on the way home and apologized for being touchy, just reminded her that Sunday afternoons tend to put me in a bad mood. Thats Plan A right? Well anyway I called the kids before they went to bed as is my habit every night. My 4 yr old started asking me when she got to come back home and was it going to be a long time? That made me sad and feel good at the same time. Ever since this happened I have been reading the book Love You Forever to my kids pretty regularly, I never did before because to be quite honest I couldnt finish it without getting a little teary. I know, Guys arent supposed to cry, but where my kids are concerned I'll be the first one bawling. That said, when I talked to my 3 yr old she quoted the song from that book to me for the first time, talk about a lump in the throat. If you arent familiar with the book and have kids you should check into it. I read the one to my kids that my mother gave me. the lines that get me go like this....


I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

My girls change the baby part to Daddy. I love those little boogers.

It's nice to have that. I'm glad you're little ones are there and caring for you. You're a great strong dad.

Be strong...

OH....don't initiate any physical contact with WW anymore.

She finds it invading in some way, so as much as you need that connection, try to steer away until you notice she's more receptive.

An important part is letting her know you are becoming a better stronger smarter you. She has to know what she's missing. Try to act aloof, even start telling her you hope this works out for her, you support her because you only want her to be happy.

It sure is hard to act aloof. I can do that but I sure dont think I can wish her well. I dont want to encourage anymore of this Bull Puckey. thanks for the reply.

Medic,
Try to seperate your wife from her ACTIONS. You can support her, but not support her actions.
Trust me, I'm the last one right now emotionally that should be in your corner because I'm VERY near the edge of filing divorce to rid myself from this poison.

BUT, you have children. You have better reason to stay in Plan A than I do.

Stay in touch.

Well I think you know as well as I do that having anyone in your corner during this stuff is a blessing. After all of this went down in January I found out who my real friends were all over again. That was an overwhelming feeling let me tell ya. Problem is none of my friends have ever been through this. My kids are the thing that has slowed me down and kept me out of the courtroom, and I want to give this another shot so they can have thier mom and dad in the same house and loving each other. I will not stay married and miserable though, I wont stay married to person I think is lying to me constantly. I'll Plan A for awhile, but not forever.

Betrayed I should have just said God Bless Ya and keep it coming. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />