Yo Medic,
I'm not sure. Could be very eventful. WH came over tonight after work... very much in emotional pain, told me he was going to end A, that he wanted to come back home.

Boy did that hit me out of the clear blue. I'm hopeful, but NOT TOO HOPEFUL. I'm still keeping my guard up.

I'm going to really be on eggshells right now. I've been convincing myself that he was going in the other direction.

Also told me that he IS "IN LOVE WITH ME"... and always has been, says he doesn't want to lose me, he really doesn't.

Still holding a steady gate. Not rushing this one at all. I know there's a plan I'm supposed to follow, but I did tell him about NC. He said he's already started to work on that, we'll see.

Good news and good luck. Sounds like you've got things going the right way. Dont know if I'd let him back in the door until I was sure he was sure but thats my brand of gunshy.I'll say its still alot more than I'm getting from W. I'll keep praying for you.

Betrayed,

Reading your last post, honestly brought a smile to my face. I think you may soon be on the road to recovery. It sounds like your Plan A'ing is having an effect on him. Good for YOU!!!!!

Just remember, you're still going to have your days and know that it is normal. What your H said to you is almost verbatum what my H said to me 3 years that's why I smiled. That's why I am so optimisitic for you. Keep it up. I'm rooting for you.

You'd think I'd be more optimistic. This is so difficult. He's in so much pain. His guilt is overwhelming. He feels like he's made such a mess of our lives.

I told him that I would stand by him, and do my very best to get through it. I told him that I would let him take the lead, he told me that there isn't ANYTHING for me to do, HE has to do this, but he did promise that if he got to a point that he needed my help he would ask.

As much as I know I've been hurting over all of this, it breaks my heart even more to see him so emotionally torn up. I can't stand to see him cry, I feel helpless to his pain. I wonder if he has the same feeling with my tears ?<<--thinking out loud

It's a rough road ahead, and I know that carries sadness and struggle to our once unbreakable marriage.

I keep pushing him to the website, but I don't think he'll come. I do share information I have, and have read. I especially told him last night it would be very painful to let OW know he's decided that he wants his marriage and his wife back. I said I'd support him through that the best I could, that I would not become impatient, demanding, or harsh. He said he has reduced contact considerably, that he HAS told her we were still trying to work things out so to prepare her better? <--I know FOG talk...but like someone else told me, he feels guilt with that as well.... he made promises he's not going to keep..and lied to her the whole time to begin with. He knows of the condition of NC. I was clear. VERY clear.

I wish people would find THIS website BEFORE things go to the point that it was needed. I've seen so much pain and agony on these boards. There would be so many more people that would think twice.

Betrayed,

One thing I learned. Do not push him to come to this site or read stuff, let him know what you've discovered and what you have read but don't push it on him. You are both at different stages in recovery.

He has to deal with promises he's made to OW and committing to you. Sometimes, I honestly think that once they've made the decision to stay in the marriage, they have a harder time. Dealing with guilt, lies, broken promises etc. Just continue to be there and stand by him.

When I used to get really low, I would remember our vows: "For Better or for Worse" The worse is here and I stand by my promise. Sometimes that alone would give me more strength.

You are SO right. I swear, you'd think there be a sense of relief for him, but his decision last night seems purely agonizing.

This hurts me a little, but I know I have to Plan A now more than ever. Don't push, don't rush, don't nag.... he may be waiting to see if I do those VERY things.

What are the chances he'll change his mind ?

We've already physically seperated, not only does he want to get back together, but he wants to come HOME.

Do you think the Fog would make him say these things and maybe he doesn't really mean it ?

No... I didn't feel that. I think he's being sincere. He knows how much I've been hurt, I know he won't do anything to contribute to that pain.

Good for you jersey, I'm very happy to see that much progress for you. Just try an d keep your cool on that day when the coaster you're riding on goes to valley. I hope it doesnt, I hope its all smooth sailing and progress from here for you. Some advice I can give you, try never to bring the A up when you are fighting. You know and I know that with marriage comes fights. Its really easy to dredge it up, speaking from experience.

That last post was kind a rambling and negative. I didnt mean for it to sound that way, I really just wanted to say I'm happy for you and keep on pluggin.

Medic,
That's his biggest fear as well. I have to be steadfast, and really learn to put that behind me, or else I'm just setting us BOTH up for failure.

Although this has been difficult for a lot of people, and everyone has been hurt, I think , no I KNOW, that we can get past all that has gone wrong. I took my husband for granted, and stopped caring about him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> With this horrible memory, it will serve as a reminder to me that if I don't treat him the way he deserves to be treated, someone else will be willing to.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Just dont ever convince yourself that taking him for granted, justified what he did. Nothing makes it right. I could have told myself to get even after W 1st A. I didnt because no matter what happens there is never an excuse to do that, never.

You're absolutely right. Like I've said before, I'll never take responsibility for his A, but take 100% of the responsibility I contributed to the breakdown of my marriage.

I just posted something to someone who is going through the same thing I did.

I developed a heart arrythmia problem back in September. I became a living nightmare, hospitalized 4 times, I pushed him away, felt like I was a burden. At one point, I was hospitalized out of state while visiting my sister who was giving birth to my nephew. I would not even allow my WH to come up there. I told him flatly I didn't need him there, he shouldn't come there, stay home where you belong.

That hurts me just thinking about that. I took his role away. And it hurt him, hurt me MORE, but I thought I was protecting him, while all I was really doing was pushing him away even more.

I was no longer intimate in any way because I was sure I'd die of a heart problem because it was new to me and I didn't know my triggers yet. My heart jumped out of rythym every day for months. I next to lived at the hospital. Nothing they could do would convert me back to normal sinus. It was a nightmare, than I started having bradycardia with a bpm of 37, that was ICU for 3 days.

Good Grief.

Do you know how badly he feels that this was taking place the whole time he was having an A ?

Suddenly I've feeled with a sense of anxiousness.
Is this normal ? My head is full of doubt. I'm literally talking myself out of this hysteria.

How do I know he meant this, and is not in the fog?

His actions spoke loud and clear, his words, his tears.

I'm unsure of what I should do next. No...not unsure..completely blind. There's Plan A, Plan B, and Recovery, we're somewhere in the middle of Plan A and Recovery.

I'm lost in the woods. Any advise ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

really, what was the arrythmia? Dont talk yourself out of anything. It is perfectly normal not to trust him yet. I know of what I speak. Just keep doing whatever it is you're doing and see where it goes. You're getting a much faster response thatn I or most of the people I see on here, Hang in there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

WH just left for the night. Went okay until it was time for him to leave. That's when it all sinks back in that he'll probably be on the phone with her all night. Don't know if that's next to the truth or not, who even knows.

I'm glad I can hold my resentment and sorrow in while he's here. It takes so much energy that once he's gone, I can let it all out.

I'm feeling less optimistic. This takes far more energy than I thought.

One day at a time, but I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.

Keep it up, the last couple days really look promising. Dont give up yet.

This is normal Betrayed. This is the roller coaster at the bottom of the hill. It will go back up.

You are going to have doubts, question his motives, like I said before - take it for what it is at the moment. You know in your heart he loves you. Keep that with you. Maybe he does go and call her and maybe he doesn't. You really don't know for sure unless he tells you.

From your posts, he does tell you when he talks to her right?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
The rollercoaster hasn't gone back up yet.

He's really trying, I can tell you that, but I question his motives.

I don't know how to overcome these feelings or if I ever will.

I don't think I can go any further until I know for sure that the A is over, period. My feelings are natural and justified. I keep getting the sense he's trying to buy himself a little more time.

During this painful process, it appears I was the more "sensible" choice for him, the one that was more secure. The "points" were falling more on my side <---to quote WH. The opposite is happening with me... I feel like ....I'm leaning more towards divorce. It's occured to me, that I love him, but I'm not IN LOVE with him either.

I have NO idea how next to normal this is. I'm not acting on any of my emotions any more.

He senses something. I see it in his actions.

I feel like a fish, and every time I swim away from the boat a little bit, someone pulls on the darn hook stuck in my mouth and I get pulled back in a little bit. I'm not IN the boat, I'm not free to swim where I want...I'm kind of just hanging there on that line, with that painful hook in my mouth. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Jersey, I feel just like that little fish you're talking about sometimes. Amonth ago I was in the same position as you. W mouth said one thing but actions said something different, if not for the kids I would have been in D ville. The longer I work on this the less I feel like that little fish, man what a good way to put it. Hang in there a little longer, it is normal for you to feel the way you do, and if its not then you, me and many others here are all abnormal. PRAY Jersy.Let God lead you in this, if you give it over the right path will be shown to you. I have a hard time doing that myself, its a daily struggle, but it can be done if you keep seeking Gods guidance.

Of course you're right.

If you only knew... I've been through so much CRAP in my life, I'm really starting to question what my path is supposed to be.

I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I'm telling you right here and right now...when I DO get there....I got a lot of questions for him. We are going to sit down, and he has a lot of explaining to do.

If your struggles in life are indicative of how far you'll go.... I'm nowhere NEAR where I should be !

LOL...I'm just feeling sorry for myself today.

Laugh ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

You make some very goo points, and I still like the fish thing. God takes us where he wants us even if it seems like a lot, or doesnt make sense, it will all be clear later on. I dont think you'll need the sit down with him. LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />