I'm glad you like the fish thing.

At least I made someone happy today.

Maybe I'll find some peace in my prayers, but it's hard not to be a little skeptical. I want to make sure he hasn't forgotten about me down here and all I've endured. Ugh.

There are signs...things may be on the turn around. WH stopped by and left money for grocery shopping. That's the first time he's had to use his key. He's either knocked, rang the bell, or called me on the phone to let me know he was out there.

It's hard to stay neutral and let whatever happens happen. Where does ANYONE find that will power.

You dont have to "find" the willpower. God will take care of it if you let him. As I've said, it's a daily struggle for me, but when I let God have my problems, things tend to go a little smoother. The key is letting go.

Our situations have some similarities, except that my H is still living w/ me. I was absolutely dreadful to my H for years. In fact, I was downright vicious when the mood hit me. I'm don't even know why was so angry, but I think IC is helping. I don't like the person I became, and I am seeing a major change in my behavior and outlook. H was really hurt by my me. I'm trying to show him now that I'm changing back to the person he knew and loved.

H is still in contact w/ OW. H sais they're only friends now. I know they can't be just friends after "falling in love" with eachother. They have to give eachother up completely. H isn't ready to do that yet.

I constantly waver back & forth whether to keep fighting for our marriage or just walk away and give up. Right now, I'm still trying. I really do love my husband. I believe he still loves me too. I've just hurt him a lot and he's afraid to trust me again. I know that didn't give him an excuse to have an affair, but I sure helped lay the groundwork.

I like your fish analogy too. I have a similar one:

I feel like I found out that someone I love has been diagnosed with a terminal disease and will die any day now. The days keep passing. My loved one is not getting any better, but they haven't died either. I keep a flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, they may not really die. Days turn into weeks and into months; They're not any better, but they're still hanging on. No matter how much I cry now, I cannot begin to really grieve until they're gone. Afterall, there's always that possibility that a miracle will happen and they will survive.

Your fish analogy is a little less fatalistic than mine. I guess mine just reflects my sadness over the loss of what I thought my life was. It's also probably related to my mother's death several years ago. I don't think I've ever gotten over losing her to breast cancer. I'm hoping IC will help w/ these feelings too.

Keep hanging on.

Lost,
Your behavior sounds alot like my W, though shes the one who strayed. She has been horrible to me for a couple years now, and she too has some issues she has never dealt with. I had moments when I thought about an A myself. Considering I had been through my W having an A 5 yrs ago I could never justify making someone else feel like I did after having been through it. Let alone my morals would never let me do it anyway. I think shes beginning to see her problems and face them, but it sure is slow. As for me, I have my problems to correct and am doing so. Didnt mean to hijack your thread there Jersey, but ya know I'm paying attention to ya. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My mom passed away 10 years ago from cancer as well. She was only 46. Needless to say, I recognize your sense of loss. It's like mourning a death, knowing that your marriage will never be the same again.

From what I'm reading here, I'm hoping it can be better, stronger..AND A PROOF.

Only time will tell.

I'm giving this my all. This is my LAST shot at this whole relationship stuff. It just doesn't seem to go well for me.

My kids are almost grown and out of the house. Heck, my son just turned 20 last month, and my daughter will be 18 in October.

Now that I finally have a chance to live for ME a little bit, I'm afraid I won't get the chance !

WH just left for the night. I'm seeing more of him, every night until almost 11ish.

I harped on the OW thing again tonight. by talking it over with some friends, I've realized he's trying to "let IT down easy"..which obviously won't work.

I've insisted he NEVER SEE this person again. And contact needs to stop immediately. For all people involved.

At first he was resistant to what I was saying... having to chose my words very wisely and all...but I told him he's WRONG if he thinks we're in recovery, that recovery doesn't begin until OW is GONE GONE GONE.

I gave him a few things to go home and think about...including the fact that all he needed to tell her was that he was WITH me, every night, that he is NOT leaving his marriage, that he can not give her what she is looking for.

At first he protested. Eventually he said what I was saying made a lot of sense. I told him whether it happens today, tomorrow, next week, or next month, it's still going to hurt him and it's going to hurt her....BUT........every day, every time he talks to her....it hurts ME and our marriage and puts us one step back. I reminded him...you are still having an A ! He tried to tell me he wasn't <---- FOG.... but I see it lifting more and more. I don't THINK I'll have to go to Plan B...and I'm really feeling that won't be the best move for my marriage.

I gave him plenty to think about, but made sure he didn't leave with those angry thoughts in his head. I made him a great dinner, gave him a really long massage, he slept for a couple hours with me just holding him.

This BETTER do something...because it's REALLY getting difficult not to walk away. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Jersey,
Its working. Hang in there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wish I had your optimism !

You do. Just go read your last post on my thread. If only we could sound as confident on our own threads as we do other peoples. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I do go back and read my threads over and over. I babble. LOL. No actually it's helped to see that no matter what I'm in a different place than I was 6 weeks ago when I thought life was OVER.

I've learned so much these last weeks.

I'm SO scared. I don't think I've ever KNOWN this type of fear. I've never looked BACK when a relationship of any kind failed...I closed the door and kept going. I've never chosen to fight for it. I'm very unequipped with second chances.

Of course it might not work, but I am convincing myself more and more, it will NOT fail on lack of MY effort.

Still taking one day at a time.

Is it normal for me to feel a painful distance from my WH while we're first trying to recover ?

Sometimes I feel like he's a complete stranger, and the uncomfortable silence is enough to push me over.

If this is normal, how long will it last ?

Crash and burn.

All my optimism is now gone. WH is supposedly working tonight.

Got a call, few minutes ago. From someone here in jersey claiming to be his girlfriend.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I called him right away. Told him I have the phone number on the caller ID.

He tells me...that's BS and you know it. I'll take care of this. Don't let it get to you.

DO YOU KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS A STATEMENT THAT IS !!!

DON'T LET IT GET TO ME.

YES, THIS IS WHAT I NEED. I NEED TO BE TRIED AND TESTED A LITTLE FURTHER.

This will never go away. I'm living in some sick fantasy land.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

edited

<small>[ April 04, 2004, 09:19 AM: Message edited by: betrayedinjersey ]</small>