If you were to have one, would you have a local affair(driving distance), or one from a distance to where you wouldnt ever see them again?

If you did have one, would you want a wild sexual A or more of an emotional one?

Bog,

I think this is the MB equivalent of asking: If you were going to cut off a finger, would it be the index or the thumb?

Please allow me to use this comparison to answer your question. I gave up drinking on July 11, 1990. I did so because drinking was not good for my state of mind, family, job and I lost many friends. A revenge affair sounds very tempting to those of us who have gone through the pain of being a BS. Would you wish the pain of being a BS on your worst enemy? In my case, that first drink seems tempting from time to time, but I do not care to pay the "price" that will most certainly go with it. Having been a heavy drinker in the past, I have already experienced a lot of the things that would soon follow if I were to start drinking again. In this respect, like you, I know all to well what the outcome will be if I were to choose to give into temptation. For one, living with the guilt of knowing that you have stooped to the same level that you felt was inappropriate for your WS. The lying that goes hand in hand with with having an affair, such as the "I'm working late again" excuse that I have seen other folks use at work. You will cause further damage, and possibly and end, to your marriage by having an a revenge affair. In short, make a list of the "Pros" and "Cons" of having a revenge affair and you will find out that the negatives far outweigh the positives. I know that I will not be able to have another drink for the rest of my life. Similarly, I can not take back my WW's actions but it does not mean that recovery is not possible. In affairs 2+2 does not equal 4, there are root causes but you will drive yourself insane trying to make sense out of things that just can't be figured out. Rebuild or divorce, those are your two options at this point. Starting another relationship, an affair at this point, should not even be an option for you while you are still married. I love to drink Jack Daniels, but I know that I can't, period.

Bog!!!!!!!!

Are you looking to have a RA? Or are you getting stats to what BS might hope for?

OK to play along, if I were to have a RA (only fantasy) I would want both! Someone to take the pain away temporarily and have wild kinky sex! The long distant thing would be hard. What if that OP is good in bed and you want more? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It would be very expensive! I hope you make good money! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But I know the RA wouldn't really effect my H. the way his A. effected me. His attitude would be more like OK I deserve it. And really wouldn't feel the pain and devastation of the emotional side. Because for one, it would be as if I went looking for one and it wouldn't be as emotional. Unless the that person came up unexpectedly like when you are not looking for a relationship and BAM, in my case Mr. wonderful just entered my life with a whole bunch of emotion with it! Then that would really mess up your life!

Is there someone?????

Ali

I know A are wrong, i want to be equal, i really have a hard time knowing my WS got one over on me. Im not a mean person, i like to consider myself a very fair person and i have been all my life.

I dont care about stats.

My WS wouldnt be affected much by a RA either, in fact expects it. I wouldnt be doing it all for payback, rather my own peace of mind "you started this, your not the only person who gets away with it".

I wouldnt let myself get emotionally attached, i dont plan on leaving my WS, besides ive never been interested in sharing my emotions to 1 nighters, i just want a fun time too.

My WS can have her "great little EA and horrible PA" Mine will be the opposite.

Ali, you found a Mr. Wonderful?
Details please <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bog:
<strong> I wouldnt let myself get emotionally attached, i dont plan on leaving my WS, besides ive never been interested in sharing my emotions to 1 nighters, i just want a fun time too.

My WS can have her "great little EA and horrible PA" Mine will be the opposite.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Speaking as a WS who thought all I needed was the sexually fufillment that was lacking from my marriage, you clearly have no idea of what you would be getting into if you did have an RA (or an EMA for that matter).

Everything you *think* you will do/won't opposite of what your WS did in that situation, has no basis in reality while sitting on this side of the fence. Falling in love can and does happen...and the person you think you are going into an EMA is not always the same afterwards...

<small>[ April 02, 2004, 02:19 PM: Message edited by: Frontside_Rock ]</small>

Bog,

You said a few things I thought I would respond to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know A are wrong, i want to be equal, i really have a hard time knowing my WS got one over on me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I doubt you understand they are wrong if you are seriously considering doing it.

Equal???? My friend equal is a mathematical concept that is rearly if ever found in nature especially in higher evolved (biologically speaking beings). You will NEVER be equal with her for the reasons you mentioned below. It will not hurt her as it did you. It will not affect your marriage as hers did YOUR marriage. Nope, you will never get equal because you are NOT her.

She got one over on you?? Interesting thought. I guess that means you DO think that having an affair is something to be proud of, something to brag about, something that makes you a better person. Otherwise, she did not get "one over on you", she simply devalued herself. You could say she prostitued her values and your marrige. So I am wondering how you think she is in a position of superiority.

I suggest you think about this. You don't want to sink to her level you want to bring her back UP to your level.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Im not a mean person, i like to consider myself a very fair person and i have been all my life.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, it won't be mean if it doesn't hurt her. But, if it doesn't hurt her you don't have a marriage, so why not get divorced and find a woman that would care enough to be hurt.

If it does hurt her, then it IS MEAN.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I dont care about stats.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What stats? Like how many men she has been with as opposed to how many men YOU have been with?? Are those the stats you are talking about?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WS wouldnt be affected much by a RA either, in fact expects it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then you won't get the revenge you expect. You will just be a man doing it because he wants to and by doing that you will be forfeiting what you know to be the correct way to lead your life. As I said, if she doesn't care, and it won't hurt her, then it is not revenge. It is in fact a NOTHING action that only hurts you and the person you decide to do it with.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wouldnt be doing it all for payback, rather my own peace of mind "you started this, your not the only person who gets away with it".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did she get away with it?? You know she did it. You can divorce her or you can accept her back. Those decisions are not going to change if you go off and have an A. As you said she doesn't care if you do or don't, which suggests your best revenge might be a "life well lived" with someone else.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wouldnt let myself get emotionally attached, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow! Won't that be fun! You might as well go to an adult video arcade with a "glory hole" and stick it through the hole in the wall. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i dont plan on leaving my WS, besides ive never been interested in sharing my emotions to 1 nighters, i just want a fun time too. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So let's see you are going to find some woman that will meet you, sleep with you, think nothing about it, and expect nothing from you. Sounds like a prostitute that works cheap. Is that what you have in mind? If you expect a better class of woman, then you will very likely hurt them by just using them. So then you are being mean to someone and you claim not to be a mean guy.

If you stick with the aforementioned class, then you run the risk of disease, and really not getting any satisfaction because ANYONE can get a prostitute, your W knows that, so what have you proved to her, you can hire a prostitute. That will make you look like a real man in your W's eyes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Oh! I get it you have proved you can function sexually with someone else. No? Perhaps you have proved that you can be driven to foresake your own morals. No? Well, what is it you are going to prove anyway?

Bog, step back from the edge. Put everything in your hands down. Take a deep breath and really look at what you are thinking. What you propose will NOT help your marriage because even if you do it, even if you can hurt your W and do hurt her, you still will not trust her anymore, your pain will NOT go away.

Bog, there are no shortcuts. You and your W have to deal with what is done, deal with your marriage, and decide if you want to remain married. If you do, then YOU need to lead her out of where she is,and you cannot do that going out prowling for some woman to have sex with.

You haven't figure it out yet have you. The problems in your marriage are NOT about sex, they are about you two, and you adding another sexual partner into the mix will not solve a single problem you two have.

If you cannot through this, if you don't want to do the work, if your W is proud of her affair, then it is time to consider divorce. It is the honest thing to do as compared to you having an A.

Sadly, all of your statements simply represent lies to yourself about your pain, your hurt, and what your W thinks and feels. Face those things and then decide if this marriage is worth the work to you. If it is, then it is worth YOU keeping your vows.

God Bless,

JL

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND!!!!!!

I would rather discuss privately than on an open forum. No other readers don't get any ideas....!

Ali

JL

I can see your points and I can see Bogs point as well.

I think it is a feeling of being unbalanced. Feeling like his WS maliciously went out to have an A. while he was in trust with her. That is my concept on it. Her A. was not an emotional one, more like trying to have a good time in sorts.

I don't think Bog is playing a game of Tag. From what he mentioned in some of his post were that he has always been faithful and would never dream of such. But you can see the hurt from his post and anger from her act. I am sort of in the same boat. Not saying I am looking for a RA. Maybe looking for some way to escape and feel balanced and accepted again. But knowing that his rope and perfect record of fedility in his marriage has a "knot" from where the A. took place and knowing that his rope has been severed and will never be the same again... is gut wrenching. She looks at it as well with a view of "I am sorry what can I do about it now"?, but doesn't feel the pain and anger of her actions.
So, getting that closure can come from all directions. But making the right decison is what counts!!!!
Ali

I do not condone RA. But I can rationalize his feelings. And simply, he is just expressing them.

I guess my way at looking at things is not normal or somthing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ali, have you had an RA?

<small>[ April 04, 2004, 09:50 AM: Message edited by: Bog ]</small>

I've not had a RA but boy have I thought about it. Not that it would help anything (only make it worse). But that thought is still there. Ali put it very well though, so I'll leave it at that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Bog, just know that one more person out there understands where you're coming from on this. Best wishes to you.

My WS wouldnt be affected much by a RA either
Then how would it be any revenge?

I wouldnt be doing it all for payback,
Then it's not revenge.

rather my own peace of mind "you started this, your not the only person who gets away with it".
So then you are only doing it to have "something to get away with"?

I wouldnt let myself get emotionally attached
Every ws says this to themselves.

i dont plan on leaving my WS
Almsot every ws says this to themselves and everyone, at least in the beginning.

besides ive never been interested in sharing my emotions to 1 nighters, i just want a fun time too.
But you've always been interested in sharing other things with 1 nighters?

My WS can have her "great little EA and horrible PA" Mine will be the opposite.
Hmmm? That ought to make someone feel pretty much like crap.
What if feelings were to develop by you or your "1 nighter"?

Seem like you could do more with your anger than hurt a bunch of people.

<small>[ April 02, 2004, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I understand what you are all saying, it all makes since to me, it really does.

But, what about me thinking about the my WS's A every day, every hour?

Haveng a RA sounds pefectly logical to me, how can things get worse? I mean come on, the wife went and stayed at a guys house for 2 weeks in a strange country and never even met him before and was naked in a his bed for 14 nights.

I need some payback, i cant let this just slide off with an "im sorry", "i didnt know what i was doing", "what can i do now?" "i will do anything" kind of crap. Im not even sure if she has told me the truth about everything.
Way too unfair, WAY WAY too unfair.

how can things get worse?
You could get someone else pregnant.
You could get some disease.
You could mess around with someone and her husband/boyfriend (she told YOU she was single) beat the crap out of you.

Way too unfair
So how will hurting someone you love, "make it fair"?

<small>[ April 02, 2004, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

But, what about me thinking about the my WS's A every day, every hour?

I know what you mean! I was just trying to explain that very thing to my WH a few minutes ago on the phone. I wake up every morning w/this on my mind and go to sleep every night with it. I'm sure the WS has to go through it too but for those of us (BS's) that are blindsided it seems very hard to deal with so much, so fast.

Anyway, I'm derailing, sorry...continue....

But, what about me thinking about the my WS's A every day, every hour?
So how will you having an affair stop you from thinking about her affair?

Ali, have you had an RA?
my email is:
Married male and female discussing revenge affairs now emailing privately?
"Hey Bob! Hand me that lit torch. I'm gonna crawl down into this gas tank and see if I can find that leak."

BOG man i feel for you, I obsess about my wife spending one night with the OM, im on sleeping pills AND an AD's just to carry me.

I dont know the story, but at some point you have to move on from it, or go your separate way. going to her level wont heal you believe me it wont. so Id have to say that having a RA would be hurtful not only to you but to the one you slept with........... just an opinion not an expert here....


wish you the best
cliff

Hello Bog - a revenge affair is not the answer to your pain - Chris CA123 and al the other posters were right - it is just going to add one more problem to what you are going through. Do you honestly think that having an affair is going to wash away everything else?

Do you think you could post your story? I have read some of your other posts - you have alot of anger (understandably) Has your wife asked for forgiveness? Is she willing to work to rebuild your relationship? - Sandy

Dear Darin: had one more thing to add:
"I cant understand why a person (you as well) would risk everything for possible short term fantasy or pleasure and risk self respect and the respect and health of family. You will always have to live with what you do and have done, others do not deserve to be punished every day by thinking of what you have done (you will be punishing your husband by making him think of what you have done every day for eternity, he probably deserves more).""If you feel the need to punish yourself, slap you face as hard as you can and pray yourself to sleep and for forgivness." You had written this to another poster at the beginning of the year - perhaps you should go back and read your other post to WS and decide if you want to be one to - think about it - Sandy

Oh and i find sandy and i have a reply fest going on,

Bog you obviously thought or did think at one time that there was something to salvage in your marriage, what you did in taking your wife back showed more strength than frankly I could ever hope to have....... work with what you felt when you asked your wife back, heal with her, laugh with her, become her best friend again.......

here is a parable i heard once:

There were 2 monks walking down a road in China which came upon a young woman sitting on a rock by a shallow river crying, the first monk asked "whats wrong?" she replied " I have been invited to the princes palace for the feast but i must cross this river, and if i do i will ruin my clothes and i wont be able to go to the feast", the first monk told her "just cross the river and you'll be fine." the second monk walked to her picked her up waded across the river and set her down to go on her way, the first monk asked the second "why did you do that? each should find their own way?" the second monk replied " brother, i have carried her across and i am done with it, while you are still carrying her"

Live for now BOG, not the past. celebrate a new begining with your wife, make new memories to enjoy and replace the bad ones. at some point the anger and resentment only will hurt you more than anything else