A few thoughts:

Your fiercely independent wife is actually very dependent on on 'acting' independent. There is no reason that an independent person has to hurt and betray other people, break promises and vows, and generally cause havoc in the lives of other people. That is not independence, it is selfish behavior.

People will change their morals and history to accomodate the affair. Your wife's comments on your marriage are a case in point. She chose to stay with you so there must be something important there. Just don't let her use you.

<small>[ April 12, 2004, 03:22 PM: Message edited by: JustinExplorer ]</small>

MD,

Does your W's mother and sister know of the affair?

Is it possible she was molested as a young girl?

I am asking the first question because it might make her face reality, although I am sure she would be mad if you told. Her sister may know. Twins rarely keep secrets like this from one another.

Finally, the second question is one of interest because we have had more than a few WS's here who had been molested as children or teenagers, specifically woman. They seem to react by getting what they want, and giving very little in return. There also seems to be little empathy with what they have done. Finally, they throw themselves into their career to the exclusion of the family.

If you go hunt for the posts by Stunned Dad Formerly Recovering ( I think I have the last part right) he has some posts about this. His W was molested he finds out and had a 2.5 year affair while leaving him with the duties of raising the family as she focused on her work and her affair.

I am NOT saying your W is like this, BUT... it probably won't hurt to role over that rock.

If this happened to be the case then a good IC might well be helpful. Interestingly people with this problem REALLY don't want to go to counseling and confront what has happened to them.

Just something to consider. I think you need to read up on the plans here and see if you can make some progress. I suspect counseling is really in order, the issue is finding the right kind.

Hope something I have said helps.

God Bless,

JL

JL,
Many of the things you mention sure fit my W personality but I don't believe there was any S abuse in her past. She was certainly emotionally abused, or maybe tormented but not likely physical. If it were, I expect it would ONLY come out in IC, not to me. I think (reaching into my VAST knowledge base on the subject) that most of it can be explained by her mothers influence. Not that it excuses her but it makes sense.

As far as her sister and mother, I do know for a fact that she has told them that she was interested in the OM and attracted to him. Flattered by his attentions. But she hasn’t told them the truth. It seems that over the years, she has actually driven a wedge between herself and them as well as me. Everybody who loves her. I actually told her on d-day that SHE had to tell them both herself. I insisted. We talked about it a bit and she talked me out of telling her mother. Probably best. Her mom would NOT be understanding to say the least (sounds kind of good actually but probably not productive). I did stick with her having to tell her sister though. She won’t be kind either but I think she can help. Still waiting. Lots of excuses. Same old story. We will be seeing them all in 2 weeks and she said she would tell her then. Bottom line is she’s obviously ashamed (rightly so). What she did was the single deadliest of sins in her family. Absolutely unacceptable, NO EXCUSES PERIOD. She knows how much they will be hurt by it as well. How disappointed they will be in her (an understatement). They will also understand the degree to which she has hurt me. A scar that will never fade. And she detests failure. She hates to let people down. And on the very top of the list of people she doesn’t want to let down is her mother. Her reluctance fits with the big picture. Don’t get me wrong, her sister will know the truth, maybe her mom as well. If anything to set the story straight (did I mention earlier that my W told them over Christmas that it was ME who was having an A!!!). I will NOT let them believe that of me. Maybe they can get her to face what she’s done. I promise they will be more direct than I have been.

Family can be a big influence on her behavior. If they live according to a set of Christian standards, they may be able to help her and guide her as she tries to take corrective action. But, if there is inconsistency in their morals or on their view of how partners are to be respected, it may not be of much use. There are families who think that they should take sides with the family member, even when responsible for unfaithfulness. There are others who are aware before the spouse and chose to keep it a secret. What are your in-laws like? You may not know that under these circumstances.

I know for a fact that she has not told either my SIL or MIL about the PA, just the EA. As far as taking sides, it would not be hers. No questions. They would accept NONE of her excuses and they would no doubt be very unforgiving. The M being what it was (both our faults), the A would be viewed her responsibility alone and HER FAILURE (HUGE ouch for my W).

Still riding that rollercoaster. Last night went to bed unhappy. Had some "us time" but she was like a cold fish. Talking but not talking. Holding but not holding. Went to sleep next to her feeling empty. Woke up and she held me. Close. Must have been a blue moon because it progressed into morning S. VERY unusual. also, no better than would be expected 4 weeks post D-Day but it was wonderful to be close to her. I am STARVED for her affection.
Started to day on this somewhat positive note and got to talking about our 10 y anniversary. (July 2nd). talked about needing to do something special (we are moving forward after all). By the end of the day, I had something booked for Bordeaux, France over our anniversary and told her about it. Not a great deal of enthusiasm but she said she was "in shock". Honestly cant say either way whether it was this or she was saying “oh sh**”)
Went to MC. Not all that great but I think it is the C. May have to look for another.
She left MC for a meeting and it went down hill from there. This client of hers is in a position of power (nationally recognized in the field), is going through a D with his W, and has become a close friend of my W. 2 hrs later, I hadn't heard from her. Called, no answer. Mind wanders.
May not be anything but I'm starting to realize a trend. She thrives on the attention (and sexual attraction) of men in a position of power in her work place (either customers or internal). The A was with a VP (HER VP) in her company. this guy is a national figure (outside her Co.) in her field. She had an A with the former and is to close form comfort with the later for my tastes. She says he (the later) is not an issue. NOT physically attractive but I think he is emotionally attractive to her. Professional and personal cross each other and she gets something out of it. something she isn't getting or doesn't want from me. Help!

On a side note, how to WS deal with the imagery of a WS’s PA? Seeing them in the act…in my mind. It pops up when I least expect it and sends me into a tailspin. I cant make it go away!!!!!