Well, this website has been a god send. Thanks to the Harley’s and everyone else involved (with everything from the articles to the forums). It’s been two months since D-Day. I’ve done a lot of soul searching, reading, some writing, talking with friends, talking with the W, two counselors and I have days of encouragement and then there’s days like today.

Basically, I discovered my W’’s A by accident. The power had gone off on 2/16/04 in the middle of the night and the house was cold as h… W got up early and was writing in her journal, got tired of the electricity being off and went out for a drive. As soon as she left the lights came on. I got up to turn them off and she had candles lit all over the house. As I blew them out, I noticed her journal was open, so I read it. There on the pages was evidence of the A , her and the neighbor (a friend of mine). I tried to go back to bed, but I couldn’t sleep.

After she got back, I got up, picked up her journal and walked out of the house. I went to my farm (about a mile away) and read the journal. The A had been going on for at least a month (that’s as far back as the journal went). There were passages where it appeared she didn’t know what to do and other entries where it appeared she was trying to get out the A but couldn’t. I couldn’t believe what I had read. It broke my heart that she could do this to me.

I went home to confront her. I got back and she was sitting at her desk. I asked, “Anything you want to tell me about.” She replied no. Not sure what to do, I remembered thinking about a buddy of mine who always says there’s an answer for everything on the internet. I jumped online and quickly found a site that gave 10 questions to ask your cheating spouse. (I printed them out as small as I could and tried to memorize them.) I then tried to ask her the questions without reading from my card. Her stock response was “I don’t think I should say anything without somebody here” (other than our kids). Being stonewalled, I went back to the net and found this MB site. I started printing out as many articles as I could so I could read them.

Here were the 10 questions to ask:
1. What did you say to yourself that gave you permission to get involved?
2. After the first time you had sex, did you feel guilty?
3. How could it go on so long if you knew it was wrong?
4. Did you think about me at all?
5. What did you share about us?
6. Did you talk about love or about a future together?
7. What did you see in the affair partner?
8. What did you like about yourself in the affair? How were you different?
9. Were there previous infidelities or opportunities, and how was this time similar or different?
10. Did you have unprotected sex?

Here is the link to the article: http://www.ivillage.com/relationshi...;arrival_freqCap=1&pba=adid=7800948. These questions are excerpted out of the book “NOT Just Friends” by Shirley Glass.

Having not gotten any satisfactory answers from the W, I sent her to the kids functions that evening and told her to stay and watch. I’m not sure why she complied, but she did. I then did the barn work and decided I was going to confront the OM. When I got there, he wasn’t home, but his wife was. So I told her. She didn’t believe me, so I pulled several pages of the journal out of my pocket and handed them to her to read. As she was reading, he walked into the house. He asked, “What’s up?” I replied, “I don’t know, why don’t you tell me.” He gave me a puzzled look. I said that I had found out about him and my wife. He tried to deny it. His wife interjected, “Stop lying, it’s all here in black and white.” Then he tried to say that it was no big deal, and it’s not as bad as you think. I said, “how is F__ing my wife not that bad?” I was pissed. I could have killed him, but thought of my kids and decided it wasn’t worth it.

I asked him some of the ten questions…about what gave him permission, had they thought about a future together, did they have unprotected sex? He didn’t say much. Maybe lucky for him he didn’t. His wife figured they had unprotected sex and he agreed that they hadn’t. As I left I told him that I never wanted him to set foot on my property again, his wife was crying. I felt bad bringing her into it as I hadn’t planned on doing that, but she needed to know. In my mind, if she knew then he’d be less likely to be prowling around.

All the times that they got together was early in the morning, roughly 8:30 to 10:00. I work during the day and his wife works at night and sleeps during the day.

I had gone through this site and printed out just about every article that I could find that dealt with this situation. I spent part of the evening reading them. It wasn’t until after the kids went to bed that we started talking again. The W went to bed around midnight. I laid on the couch with the lights out but couldn’t sleep. Finally, around 2:30 she came downstairs because she was having trouble sleeping. We started talking again, sporadically at first. She still didn’t want to answer my questions, though slowly we made some head way. Finally around six in the morning it seemed that we were going to be able to get through this. I said that I was tired and wanted to sleep. The W told me to go to bed, to which I replied, "How could I sleep in that bed?" The W responded "Do you think I'm that big a whore that I would do it in our bed?" I didn't know as she hadn't told me. Turns out the OM was never invited upstairs, it all happened in the living room. At this time, I still didn't know how many times they had been together or when it had started. I later found out that it started 14 months prior (with a recess in the summer months when my kids were home) and that they'd had sex about 15-20 times, all unprotected.

In the two months since: we've been tested for STD's (we're ok), started marriage counseling together, I saw a counselor separately because I thought of committing suicide after a friend of mine going through the same thing did, we both started anti-depressants but have since stopped due to negative reactions, we've both been reading the Harley's books (HNHN, SA) Torn Asunder and a couple of others, I'm back to work though it hasn't been easy, as for the farm-I haven't been able to spend much time there as that's where my mind dwells on what happened. I started carpooling to work so as to have somebody else in the car to talk to and take my mind off of the A. (I drive an hour to and from work.) Also, I started coaching my son's Little League team to help take my mind off it.

One thing I've noticed, is it seems that when I'm having a good day, she isn't or vice versa. Who woulda ever guessed that this kind of thing would screw with you mind so (yes, pun intended). I'll post more later.

Recovering H,

After reading your story, I feel for you. My WW had an affair 2 years ago, thankfully he no longer lives in the area, and as far as I know, there is no contact with him. We'll confront that when the time is right. My current dillema is the EA with OM online. She feels he's been more of a friend to her in the last year, and has no intention of letting that go. I can neither confirm nor deny her allegations they decided to just be friends so they could work on their individual marriages. I'm just not sure I'm going to wait 6 months for her to decide whether or not I'm worth it. I'm just moving on with my life, doing my things. I wish you all the luck, and I'll be sure to make it back to your thread.

Recovering H, it sure is sad to see how these things happen and you are left clueless as to why they happen. I can relate very well to what you say and the emotional ups and downs on both persons. I did not have the possibility to confront the OM, but I really wonder how you were able to keep it together. I am usually a very calmed and collected person, but in this situation I have felt that a lot of things in me changed and I am not sure if I would have held back. Those tyoe of individuals are the devil in person. They do not care who they hurt along the way. I never took anti-D's because I am well aware of the side-effects, but I must tell you the emotional drain is painful and very lengthy. How can you work knowing that the guy is your neighbor? It has taken me the longest time to be able to function, but I would feel so threatened with him nearby. Best of luck to you.

Hi recovering H,
I really feel your pain, I really do....
My w has been having an A for 2 year with an co-worker and 3years for OM2...
It has killed me to find out that she is seeing two men at the same time and neither of them no each other.....
Past couple of weeks the A came out and W deny's it, the only thing I showed her is that her cell phone bill shows both men numbers all over the place and call at strange times.....
She knows i know but she still deny's it, she is not asking to leave but I want her to confess the truth, i still have room for forgiveness...
I am nevious too, i am sure my W had unpertected sex and i feel I am going to get myself test for STD.....
Their are alot of people on this site that really can help with good advise, for me I just got to get my head straight and take the good advise given..... I want to confront the two mens W's and tell them whats going on, they have the right to know what their H's are doing .....

Stay strong my friend ....
Deeppain..

I wanted to add some more details about my situation. For some reason, I always thought that if either of us would stray, it would be me. In fact, over the years I’ve had several opportunities to stray, however I never have. In addition to this I found out an interesting piece of information in the last month, something that I never knew before (at least I didn’t consciously know it). I found out that my father had had several affairs and was ready to leave my mother for another woman just prior to him being killed in an auto accident 12 years ago.

Since he was killed I have taken over operations of the family farm, and held down my regular day job (as an Engineer). With good help being hard to find, I spent way more time at the farm than I first intended. I’m sure that many of the W’s unmet needs were because I wasn’t around to meet them. I’ve also had a goal to retire in 6 years and was moving steadily toward that end. However, it feels like my motivation to work has been robbed from me. Also, what I enjoyed in nature at the farm is no longer enjoyable.

The counselor says that I should let myself heal, that I need time for myself, that I should not try so hard to make things right. I can’t stand it. It doesn’t help that the OM lives over the hill, a mile away, drives his school bus by the house everyday. Everything around here just reminds me of what happened. The W was a virgin when we met. It’s like the OM has taken her naiveté and she just gave it to him. He’s a user and a liar of the worst kind.

As I said, I'm not sure what's next, but the W says "I'm still here."

Hey, man, I can sure identify with what you are going through. I want to encourage you in a couple of areas.
1) Your last comment, the wife say's I'm still here - For a moment try as hard as it might be to put yourself in her place. What would be the easiest quickest thig for her to do? Leave, run, get away from it all. But NO, she is still her. It takes courage from her side to Still be her, so please don't take that lightly.
2) Baby steps - As men, we want to fix everything and fix it now so I can move on with life. But most women don't have that ability. I don't know why, emotions and feelings have a lot to do with it. So you need to look at every positive thing she is doing, as small as it seems. Because she is trying hard to get out of the fog, lose the feelings she had for this OM, and try and get back into your relationship. All not very easy things as I have learned.

Some thing’s to think about.
1) You already identified the amount of time you spent working on the farm took you away from her. Unless she is active in some of your new activities, the same thing may happen. Be careful about how or what you make your priorities. You may need to look deep inside to really determine what should be right. Understand that a lot of marriages a torn apart because of to much of a good thing and an out of balance condition exist. For example – I got engrossed in baseball with my son. Coached a traveling team, and Little League. Doing it because it was good for my son, and wanting hard to be a good father. But lost in that was not spending time with my wife. Sure you can say we spend quality time with each other when we are together, but the truth is not Quality, but quantity is what makes the difference. Quantity shows her, she means more than anything or anyone else. And you know what, that is the way it should be. Because if you love your wife and show it, your kids feel it and they feel secure.
2) You had a goal to retire in 6 years. Did / does your wife share in that goal? Not just agree, but really shows she is right there with you? Do her actions agree with her words? Maybe the goal is just yours, and you have been striving for it, and again, your wife has been left to do everything else. I think you should revisit this sometime later with her when she can be real honest with you.
Please understand I don’t mean to be hard on you, only to make you think. Because you and your wife have made the decision to try and work this out, (and I think it is the best decision you can make) your road will be very rough and bumpy. You will want to move faster than she does, and will need to always be slowing down and waiting for her. It is very hard to do this. You will get angry at her for not trying, or not moving fast enough. But you can only travel as fast as the slowest person can travel.

You do need to work on some things for yourself. Reading is what I did. Books to help me understand what wrongs I did that lead my wife down the wrong path, and things I need to do to correct that. After all, you can only change yourself. No matter how hard you try to change your wife, she is the one that needs to do that.

So for me it has been 2.5 years and my wife is just now coming around to really reading and understanding what is in some of these books. I feel like have am always climbing a mountain, because the journey is so, so slow. And like climbing a mountain, it is easy to fall, and many falls we have made. Some together some not, but we are both still walking up the mountain. I can know see that there may be a crest over one of the hills we are climbing, and that we may never have to walk the current hill we are on again.

One book I have found helpful, so has my wife is a book called “Marriage on the Rock” by Jimmy Evans. He also has a website call famtoday.com. His teachings have been very helpful as have all of the stuff here. He focus’ on what you need to do to get a bad marriage back on track, and has a few different ideas.

So anyway, sorry for the long note, but understand there are many men like you in the same situation you are in.

Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate. Matthew 19:6
May God Bless you and your marriage.

RH,

Wanted to say thanks for sharing your story. I am impressed by the way you handled it while still in shock. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The way you outlined it and carried it out even when feeling quite depressed is noteworthy. Please keep up the good work. If you can, I would like to ask you to share your story on GQII. Lots of pain out there and if some could see how your efforts have helped push your personal recovery so that you can think clearly c/b quite helpful to them.

Your W certainly has a good H and I hope she realizes that soon.

All the best.
L.

Mesoftball:
1st 2 comments - You're dead on with those.

Things to think about - I've seriously thought about cutting back on the farm (renting it out, signing it up with the gov't, etc.), but the W doesn't want me to make that decision yet. She's afraid if I give it up (almost totally) that'd I come to resent her. That's a possibility but I've been resenting her now b/c of how I think when I'm there. (Today was the 1st time I've spent more than an hour there in the last two months, had a helper so it wasn't quite as bad, but every now and then I would find myself dwelling on it-so obvisiously I'm not over it.)

Retirement goal - The W is not good about setting goals so it's one of mine that she was going along with. Looking back, I can now see that we need to talk about this one quite a bit more.

Thinking is good.

I've also been reading more. One thing, I usually go to bed around 11 and the W around 9. She's says its a carry over from the days when the kids were babies. Another reason for me to go to bed later is that I generally don't have problems falling asleep AND I snore. So lately, I've been trying to go to bed close to the same time and read. It gives her some assurance that I'm around. I'll have to look around for J. Evans.

Thanks for the post!

Orchid - Thanks for the thoughtful comments. I just looked at a few posts in GQII. I will try to make time to post my story there. Thanks again.

Hi RecoveringH,

I want to thank you for posting the 10 questions.
Later today (after my kids use the computer for their homeschooling) I will read all the reference articles for the 10 questions.

I could REALLY relate to the way you reacted to finding out about the affair and how you searched online for info and want recovery to happen NOW! I guess I react more like a man does, wanting to take charge and make it happen?
And I suspect my husband wants me to be more patient and let him be the man, let him decide he wants to try to keep me? Anyway, trying to talk some sense into him sure didn't work in my case LOL It eventually came down to me having to just go to Plan B and stay there. I honestly don't know whether he will ever see what he's losing and that the affair was just an illusion of 'true love' based only on lies and selfishness... (right now he's hoping he can somehow find a way to restore the affair to the pre-exposure fun while somehow keeping me on the line) The divorce won't be final until September and I am determined to just stay in Plan B until then if need be. If he goes through with the divorce I will never look back and can honestly say I will have no regrets or guilt.

Good luck. I commend you for having the intelligence to seek the answers ASAP and the courage and devotion to apply them through your pain. I think your wife is very lucky to have a man willing to take charge of his marriage... just allow her the time to realize you are what she really wants and needs. Be careful she doesn't feel as though you are trying to make decisions for her or that she can't share her true feelings with you. She may be missing the OM and has withdrawal symptoms to go through just like it was an addiction.

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 11:12 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Recovering H: Did you ask her all those questions again? Looks like she answered some of them. I am not sure how much info WWs disclose out of fear or shame. I understand perfectly how you feel because my situation has been very similar. Discovery of betrayal takes all of your motivation away because your efforts to provide for your family are seen as unimportant and are not valued. many of the things that you find enjoyable stop being enjoyable and in my case, I actually wondered what was my purpose in life. I am also a professional who achieved a lot early in life, but since that time I wondered whether it is all worth it.

MM: One thing I've discovered from this situation, is that I have more of a desire to help other people. I used to be more selfish in having my needs met. It might just be some type of self defense mechanism or something.

Good luck with your situation. It's unfortunate that spouses can be so inconsiderate that it leads to these type of situations. My best friend recently got divorced from his W of 7 years. And it just came out of the blue-turns out she went back to her 2nd husband (the father of her 2nd kid). Of course, she never really communicated to him until it was too late what she needed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And I suspect my husband wants me to be more patient and let him be the man, let him decide he wants to try to keep me? Anyway, trying to talk some sense into him sure didn't work in my case LOL It eventually came down to me having to just go to Plan B and stay there. I honestly don't know whether he will ever see what he's losing and that the affair was just an illusion of 'true love' based only on lies and selfishness... (right now he's hoping he can somehow find a way to restore the affair to the pre-exposure fun while somehow keeping me on the line)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you can't get him into NC, that makes your situation doubly hard. I've been lucky in that respect (at least to my knowledge there has been NC since the week after D-day.) Good luck and thanks for sharing.

Why-me:

You are correct in that she hasn't answered all the questions yet. I haven't pushed the issues lately. The big answer to a lot of my questions has been "I dunno." (And we've kind of been joking about that saying.) So for that reason, I haven't pushed her. Plus we've had a lot of family things going on, so it hasn't been a big priority. I'm thinking about planning a getaway weekend (without the kids). Mainly to relax, get reaquainted but also to talk (about alot of things: family goals, personal goals, marriage goals, farm, etc.).

Questions 7 & 8 were the two main questions that I didn't get answered that I would like to see some effort put into to figure them out. I also think there were probably some questions that she may not have answered truthfully, but I'm not sure I really want to push that. (They weren't directly one of the ten questions, but they were kind of derivatives of those questions.) One of her comments early on, (regarding sex with the OM), was that it wasn't genuinely enjoyable. What does that mean? It was partially enjoyable or that she felt guitly afterwards? Ok, if that's the case then why did she do it again? I know the one thing I keep telling myself-and maybe I'm just kidding myself- is that the OM was a predator. And while his initial goal may not have been to get her in the sack, when he saw it was a possibility he was the one to push for it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Discovery of betrayal takes all of your motivation away because your efforts to provide for your family are seen as unimportant and are not valued. Many of the things that you find enjoyable stop being enjoyable and in my case, I actually wondered what was my purpose in life. I am also a professional who achieved a lot early in life, but since that time I wondered whether it is all worth it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen. That's definitely been my case too. One of the things the counselor brought up at last weeks session was about a book entitled "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. My W already had the book so I'm going to read it (not that I don't already have a purpose, but to get more of a perspective on what she was going through). The last couple of years she's been doing a lot of searching-for things like the meaning of life, etc.

I need to finish reading "Torn Asunder" first. I'm about 1/2 way through that one. Plus, reading books has been helping to divert my attention from dwelling on what has happened. I'm kind of rambling here. I've been doing that alot more since I found out...that or just lost in my thoughts appearing aloof and out of touch. Good luck to you too and thanks for the thoughtful questions.

Recovering, it is a good thing that you are reading and expressing your feelings and thoughts here. You mention that you are planning a weekend away to talk to her. Have you planned sometime for yourself? You need to get away from work and family obligations and spend that time with yourself and do some soul searching. You will find out that you are not to blame and you have a lot to offer, unlike the OM. It is not uncommon for WSs to have affairs with people who are less attractive and do not have much to offer as a companion and as a partner. You are right, those people are predators. Are you in your 40s? If so, you may want to see a doctor. Bouts of depression are more common and may drastically compound the problem of motivation, which tends to lessen as hormone levels drop. You are probably feeling unappreciated by your spouse and that all that you have done for her as a husband and provider has gone to waste. It has not, you have done what has come naturally to you and that you have enjoyed. As far as her telling you everything, that will not happen. It takes a lot of courage to do that. Also, she may say a lot of things to explain her actions. Much of what she says may hurt you since there will complains about you. Do not let that get to you, that is a typical self defense mechanism and she is not intentionally wanting to hurt you with her complaints. God bless!

Yes, Last weekend I went trout fishing (on Saturday and Sunday) for the first time in about 24 years. It was nice to be away from everything, plus it wasn't the farm, so that helped.

I've recently got involved as an Assistant coach for my son's Little League team. That has been enjoyable so far too (as I love baseball). I haven't followed Major League Baseball much since the strike in '91-they're way overpaid, but that's a story for another board. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

42 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I've already seen a doctor, and was on AD for a short period but stopped after having a severe reaction (IMO) to the meds. (My blood pressure shot through the roof, cold, clammy, sweats, thought I was having a heart attack.) The doctor wanted me to stay on it, but I felt that if the reaction was worse than the cure, why stay on them? I've haven't had any severe depression since then so I'm not worried that I'm not on AD anymore. Also, I was borderline about taking them in the first place so as I said I don't really think that I need them now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As far as her telling you everything, that will not happen. It takes a lot of courage to do that. Also, she may say a lot of things to explain her actions. Much of what she says may hurt you since there will complains about you. Do not let that get to you, that is a typical self defense mechanism and she is not intentionally wanting to hurt you with her complaints. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I realize I may never find out the whole story, but from TA-Carder, that may be for the best. I know that at first my imagination was my own worst enemy. But some of what I heard has been "haunting" as well and is to be expected. She's actually been very good recently as far as not saying hurtful things. There have been things she's said a week or so ago that for not apparent reason tended to bring me down, maybe even how she said it. We've talked about those and are working on improving our communications so that's helped too. Thanks for your input.

Recovering H,

I resisted the Dr's advice to get on an AD for over a year because I was afraid of side-effects.
I also had been diagnosed with severe hypertension (highest top number - 220, highest bottom number - 144!) so I ended up on 4 different hypeertension drugs before they got that under control. Finally (because I couldn't stop crying while at the Dr's office one day) I agreed to take an AD. I am taking Lexapro and it hasn't caused my blood pressure to rise back up. It helps a lot with controlling my emotions and fears. I was afraid an AD would prevent me from thinking clearly but by getting some emotions and anxiety under control it actually helped me think more clearly. I feel more comfortable dealing with logic than emotions.

You seem to be coping remarkably well. I was so confident I could handle it all - wouldn't need an AD. I think I even felt it would be a sign of weakness or failure if I needed one... I really do try to take control and fix everything. I have a teacher-type personality. I have been homeschooling my children for 13 years. I used to be a corporate instructor (teaching computer graphix.)
For a while I did a lot of public speaking for non-profit organizations. After taking Irish dance my daughters and I started teaching it. After taking ballroom dance we organized the areas first homeschool prom... My husband once complained to me: "Can't you ever do something without ending up teaching it?" It is EXTREMELY difficult to not just take over the leadership role in the marriage/family (doesn't help that the real leader chooses to be absent...and even when he was home he pretty much ignored us) I have to fight the temptation to TEACH my husband about what he's doing wrong and how his current feelings are just an illusion... My husband has also complained that he doesn't want me to be his therapist... (Might help if he went to a real one then...)

Good luck. You seem to be holding up pretty well. But be careful of burn-out. I think people like us are maybe overly optimistic sometimes, overly responsible most of the time, and need to be more patient and accepting that it's not going to be up to us to fix everything.

I think the hardest thing for me right now is the realization that my husband probably will fail at saving our marriage. But I have to just let him fail if that is his choice. And I have to just stop worrying about the consequences he will bring upon himself then - let him crash and burn and suffer them.

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 11:33 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

The W has also stopped taking AD. Her's was also supposed to help her stop smoking unfortunately that didn't happen. She made it three weeks before having an allergic reaction...rash, itching like crazy. Dr. office said to call for another appointment, but she didn't (her excuse, it takes to long to get in to see the Dr., unless you're sick or dying). I made an appointment for the dr. to look at my aching knee and the appointment is for 17 days after I called. (Guess that's a small town/county for you.)

My biggest concern should probably be the kids, but they're very adaptable. So I think my biggest concern at this point is falling into the same old rut.

Good days...bad days. Today is somewhere in between.

Just re-read the thread, and I noticed some posts that I didn't reply to (or I felt that I didn't adequately address them the first time). Anyway, I wanted to provide a bit of an update.

Why-me: "How did I stay so calm & collected when I confronted the OM?" I wouldn't say I was calm, maybe collected. The collected part comes from 10 years of public speaking maybe. Partially, I was lucky. I had gone down to the farm with a firearm, doing some practice shooting. I think that scared me some. Plus, I thought of my kids. I didn't want to put them in a situation where they wouldn't have their father. Looking back, I do wish I would have kicked his A$$, but that's just something I would have liked to do. Probably wouldn't change the way I handled it. (Plus, I guess, if I really wanted to kick his A$$, I could still go over and do it.) "How am I able to deal with him being nearby?" Part of it, is that his W works nights and is at home during the day. Once the kids get home from school, that will help. My concern is that it could start up next fall, will his W still be onguard? I'll probably touch base with her then to give her that reminder. Being that the OM is nearby, I have lots of triggers that I'm dealing with. Hopefully that will improve. There have been several excellent threads, here and on GQII about that. They've been helpful. Triggers-Why are they killn me?

Deeppain: How's it going with you? Have you confronted the OM? If you decide to, good luck!

Mesoftball: Again, thanks for the questions. I think that it's good to use this forum to delve into some of these areas that others bring to our attention (and we might otherwise miss).

Orchid: I read your post but wasn't sure how best to share this story on GQII. I thought about cut and pasting but that didn't seem right. Any suggestions? I have been spending more time on GQII reading posts and threads now since I'm further along in recovery (than when I originally posted this).

Meremortal: Sounds like you're following the principles of this board very well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Best of luck to you and yours!

Again, everyone, thanks for your support, advice and friendship in my times of need!

<small>[ May 06, 2004, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: Recovering H ]</small>

RH, it is so hard to think that those creeps get away with it, but you are right. We have to think of our children. They are the ones who would suffer in the end. At times, I wish we were in other times when the codes of conduct were more upright and the laws were upheld with more rigor. I think nowawdays we view societies like that as savages, but I think people in those societies do not mess with another man's wife.
How are you doing? What you describe about some days you feel fine and others not, is natural. I have days when I feel very depressed, But I have learned or am trying to hold and not express what I feel to avoid hurting her feelings. I have recurring nightmares that do not seem to go away and I wake up agitated. If that happens in the middle of the night I have difficulty getting back to sleep. I guess that is why they call this a rollercoaster ride. Good luck.

Why-me?:
You are so right. Hopefully, in the end they will spend eternity in he!!.

One thing I've thought of recently (due to some comments that I read in Torn Assunder) is that I've been wondering how much affairs used to happen in medieval days. My guess is that it was probably more prevalent than most think. (Could that be why the Hatfields and McCoys fought so?)

I know that the OM in this case comes from a family with a history of A's and alot of local folk dislike the family (there are a few good relatives that help to bring up their name, but damn few).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
How are you doing? What you describe about some days you feel fine and others not, is natural. I have days when I feel very depressed, But I have learned or am trying to hold and not express what I feel to avoid hurting her feelings. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's been that time of the month for the W. It always seems like it lasts a month long. The last 4-5 days have been like I'm stuck in neutral. Unable to go forward or backward. Lots of triggers, anger; like I want my revenge (more on the OM than the W). Though there are little things she does that depress me. Like yesterday, when I left for work, gave her a hug and kiss and then she pushed me away (like it was lasting too long for her). So then I didn't call her (like I wanted to punish her for that.) Then today, she was saying thanks for not checking up on her yesterday and it wasn't that at all.

And then today, I have this unbelievable urge to have a revenge affair. Not that I haven't before, but it seems like it's the only way to get back at her. I know it's not and that it won't accomplish a damn thing, but being stuck in neutral sucks.

I gave her the TA book yesterday to read. We'd talked and were going to go through it together. Then it seemed like it pissed her off when I gave it to her. I think I'm more sensitive lately. Almost to the point where I feel like I'm a woman or something. Moody and B!tchy as he!! at times. Easily depressed by [censored] she says.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have recurring nightmares that do not seem to go away and I wake up agitated. If that happens in the middle of the night I have difficulty getting back to sleep. I guess that is why they call this a rollercoaster ride. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Luckily, I haven't been plagued with nightmares. Though I have had trouble sleeping recently. I think it's from pain from my left knee and some of how I've been favoring it has added pressure to my right hip. I'll probably need to go under the knife in a few weeks or a month. I'll know better after next weeks doctor appointment. I used to like theme parks and roller coasters, but I didn't ask for this and just wish I could change rides or just get the he!! off this one. Thanks for your comments and support! Every little bit helps.