I have recently found out that my husband of 4 yesrs is having an internet affair. They have never met, but he talks to her all the time and they have even had phone sex. At first he lied and made me feel bad when he confronted me. But now he is open about it. He says he loves me and he doesn't see this as cheating. He sees the woman as a friend and the phone sex is a way for him to let loose some tension and relax. I don't know what to do. He is on the computer all the time and if he is not on the computer he is on the phone with her. He says he loves me and doesn't want to leave me. Recently he said that I should leave him cause all he does is hurt me. But he did tell me he doesn't want me to leave, he just doesn't want me to hurt. However, he also doesn't want to stop what he is doing. I love my husband very much and I know part of this stems from him being out of work and being depressed. I don't know what to do. I love him very much and want to see our marriage work cause I can't picture a life without him. This whole thing has left me shattered, hurt, and confused. What should I do without pushing him away from me?

It has be pointed out to me that I have an error in my post. I confronted him about the affair. He did not confront me about anything. Sorry for the confusion.

Dear Starshattered,

You might try getting a copy of the book Not Just Friends by the late Shirley Glass. Obviously, the first step here is to get your H to see that he is indeed participating in an affair!

I'm so sorry...this must be so painful for you. That book addresses the issue of people thinking they are just friends when in fact they are having an affair.


http://www.shirleyglass.com/bookmain.htm

Stillwed

Welcome to MB. It is a great place to be, considering the circumstances. Read all about Plan A here. You can find links in this forum, under the thread, General Welcome to All New Builders.

My H also had an internet affair,it started out the same just chatting then phone calls and then he flew to her state to meet her and his EA turned to a PA.
My advise get him off the computer.I know it will be hard believe me I know I have been where you are now.
You must some how get thru to him that what he is doing is hurting you.Set aside time for you two to spend together and set boundries when it comes to computer use.

Best of luck to you I know this is the hardest thing you will ever face in life.

I have checked out Plan A and it seems to be what I am doing, but how long should I be the supportive spouse? My one friend who knows what is going on says I am a saint. It is very hard to be a saint. We have been spending more time together away from home so the computer is not tempting him. When we are out it seems like nothing is wrong. But whenever we are home he is constantly checking the computer. Then after I go to bed he spends hours either on the pc or the phone. Though I have to admit he is coming to bed earlier. ....It is just so hard. Part of me wants to tell this woman off or contact her husband to see if he knows about this too, but I know if I do that then my marriage is as good as gone. The worst part is I have actually talked to this woman and joked with her almost like a friend before I saw an IM message that sent my world spinning out of control. He is getting back to work so hopefully things will be better now.

If this woman is married I think you should contact her H.He has a right to know what his wife is doing.
I use to worry that if I told anyone about my H A he would leave or be angry or who knows what but I finally started to tell people and all it has shown my H is that I am stronger than he thought.
Do not fear that he will leave you or be mad,sure he will be mad you will be putting a stop to his fun but so what!!! If he is going to leave because you talked to OW or exposed this to her H let him go,I bet you any amount of money he will be back.

He went back to work today...first time in 5 months. He left because of medical reasons. Once he was gone I couldn't resist checking up on him. I went through his IM archives and saw that yesterday they were telling each other they loved each other and that once I went to work they would be able to talk "hint...hint". I in a bad situation right now. We just moved in with my father-in-law about 2000 miles from the state we lived in before (where all my family is ). I have no friends down here. However, I have a job I love. I want to see my mother and tell her what is going on. but I also don't want to lose this job I love. I think the only thing I can do is leave him to make him see. I am just afraid that if I do that is the end. I have also been sick the last two days...don't know if it is nervers or what...but my period won't be for a couple of days. Part of hopes I am preg, part of me hopes not because of the situation. Even after all this I still love him, I am just beginning to think he doesn't love me back no matter what he tells me to the contrary. Back when I first found out he was in a pretty bad depression, he told me the only thing keeping him from killing himself was me. I am just afraid if I leave he will do something crazy.
I am so confused and hurt.

I understand all your feelings and fears.I have been married a very long time and know that fear that they will leave.
Keep focused on the fact that the affair is a fantasy it is not real.With her he has no problems,no bills,no fights everything is wonderful.But put them together in real life and the fantasy is over and there would only be more problems.

Do you know if she is married??
If she is contact her H and let him know everything.He may be the one to put a stop to it.

In my situation her H found out before me and the first thing he did was try and contact me.My H got so nervous that I would find out from her H so he broke down and told me.I feared he would leave me for her but guess what,17m later,lots of fights,lots of tears and lots of pain he is still here and it is me thinking I may not stay.

Take a deep breathe,call your mom for her support come here to MB I will keep checking in on you for support and then think of what will be your next step in exposing and ending his A.

I called my mother right after my last post. I felt a lot better. I have a new respect for her. She told me my father has done this to her twice in the past and he always came back on his own. Growing up I thought my mother was unbalanced. Now I know she was just trying to cope with my dad's infidelity. I was so happy yesterday...but when we got home last night and I went to bed while he was on the computer I sat in the room and cried. I don't know how strong I can be. I feel like I should tell him to make a decision: me or her. He has told me that he will not leave me. He has said if it wasn't her then it would be somebody else. When I first found out, they were fighting and stopped talking to each other. He moved on to another girl. I kinda had a hand in breaking that off...made him see what a liar and looney toon she was. Now he is back with the first woman. I have to admit I prefer the first over the second. The second was pulling one of those tricks to make my husband distrust me. That was her mistake. He knows me better than that. Just thought I knew him better. Never thought he would do this to me. I am trying to be stong and wait it out. I asked him why he loved me and he said cause I am his best friend. What am I? Friends with benefits? There are times I hate him and just want to sceam...but I still love him. I feel like there is something wrong with me for still loving him. I just wish I could tell if he still loves me. Shouldn't I be the one he thinks about? Shouldn't I be the one he wants to spend time with? How long am I suppose to wait with this Plan A stuff? I can feel myself slipping back into my depression...which I finally got out of until this. I think I will have to see a counselor or something. Right now I am taking it all one day at a time, just wish I was awake from this nightmare to enjoy those days.

That is the first step talking w/your mom.
I just told my daughter about her dads A,and she said that it explains alot of my behavoir over the last 17m.It helps that I can now be honest w/her.You now can turn to your mom for support on those really hard days.

I do not feel like you have to be a door mat while he does what ever he wants.Remember part of plan A is to help end the A and that means no contact on his part.It maybe to soon to do a plan B for you but it maybe something to think about.Let your H know that you love him more than anything but you will not live in the same house as long as he is still involved w/OW.

I still think you need to let her H know,or say something to her let her know you will not tolerate this in your home.

I think the worst thing about internet A's is you feel like your H is cheating right in your own home.I think about that alot,while I was in bed sleeping he was chatting with her saying all kinds of words of love to her right in the next room.

You do not have to be strong all the time.It is ok to cry,this hurts.Just know you are not alone so many others have gone thru this to.Imagine my pain after 25yrs of marriage to hear that my H found someone else and did not know if he wanted to be with me any more.I had given him 25yrs she had given him just months of chit chat over the internet.
The end result,he is still here,she is still with her H.

I hope that something I said will help you.

ginger-

I realized i have no way to contact OW H. I don't know his email and the phone number i have is her work number and cell phone. I tried doing an internet search,but no record could be found. I try not to be a doormat to H...I don't want to upset him. He came home for lunch and things seemed good. I think we need to have another talk, but I am unsure how to go about it cause I don't want it to turn into a Love Buster. His depression was very intense...he is an active person who has been told his life must be different cause of knee surgury. He has changed his job, he can't play sports. I understand that on the net he feels whole, but he doesn't understand that I love him no matter what. I think he feels threatened by me cause I have been the bread winner lately. During one depression moment last month he called himself a useless deadbeat. We have tried to convince him to get therapy and he finally agreed, but insurance is maxed with the old job he is on leave from. The new job insurance won't start till next month. We are declaring bankruptacy so money is very tight. I have tried to convince him that we will be fine we can afford him getting meds and counseling...friends and family have offered to help pay. I think these offers just make him feel worse. Part of me thinks if he deals with the depression then things will go back to normal. Though with the new job ...if he tries to keep things the same way with the OW and chat all night he wil become burnt out. I have a feeling he is realizing this. We will see how things go. In the meantime I think I will end up calling my mom everyday <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Thanks for the advice.

It seems when one bad thing happens it starts a ripple effect of bad things.

I can understand all that you wrote about your H situation right now.It is so hard for a man to go thru major life changes,women seem to adapt easier.

Have you gotten any of the books recomended on this site yet??
Maybe this would help also.
I will be here for encouragment and support if you want,I still struggle daily with all of this.
Right now for me it is the forgivness issue.I fear if I totally forgive and never bring any of this up again he will think he got away with it and try it again.We do not seem to get to far when we talk sometimes we email each other and that seems to be easier for him.
Maybe you could try this.Send your H an email with all your fears and feelings in it.This way he can read it and process it with out fear of your reaction to him.

If you have any info on OW like hometown,first and last name,age,anything else like that you could always email me the info and I might be able to help you locate her H.
It took me 11m but with the help of others on this site I was able to track down OWH and I emailed him.We talked on the phone and I found out that he had been trying to find me since the day he found out.He was very happy to talk to me.I told him everything that I knew and it was a whole lot more than he knew.She had lied to him alot so he was grateful to get the truth.

Call your mom I know she wont mind helping you thru this she sounds like a very strong woman.

We had a talk last night and I told him some of my fears. It upset him cause he says I don't see that he does love me. He told me he hasn't even been on the phone with the OW when I thought that is what he was doing. checked the caller ID and realized this is true he was talking to an old friend of his. But based on past history it just sent thought spinning in all directions. This is what I told him. He was upset that I was depressed and crying everyday. Things seem okay now. He is not upset with me for doubting him. ....I think he might be addicted to the computer and that is what is at the root of this. I have a book from the library called "caught in the net". I haven't read it yet, it is at work, because I don't want him to see it. I work in a library so I have checked out the books we have which included the MB books, that is how I found this website. However, I don't want all of my co-workeres to know what is going on yet. So I haven't requested the other books cause they are not our holdings. I know it is childish...but people see me as having the perfect marriage. I thought we did, until this. We didn't fight, yeah money was tight, but we loved each other and did stuff together. We took care of each other. I know it sounds boring and we are trying to work on that. We shot 9-ball(pool) almost every week. That is fun. I keep telling myself things will get better now that he is back at work and making money. When our money is back on level we will see about anti-depressents or therapy. I just keep telling myself that the EA will fizzel out. His talking to other people instead of her seems to be a first step. Things will be fine and I can make it through this.

If he is willing to help then yes you will make it thru.
It is ok that you dont want the world to know yet.I just recently started to tell people and dday for me was 17m ago.
Reading helped me alot along with this site,what has slowed us down is my H's lack of trying to change things.Things that cause the A must change.If you can get your H to understand this then you have won half the battle.
Sure he will bet upset with you when you talk about these issues or you cry but try and make him understand that your world has just fallen apart because of all of this and you need HIM to help put it back together.

You sound strong.I think I was alot stronger when I was younger.I even told H this,why did he wait until I was in my 40's to do this why not when I was younger and there were alot more opportunities for me.

Take care I will check in with you later.
Remember if you want help to locate her H just let me know and I will see what I can do to help you.

well saw another "i love you" on the computer again. I don't know what to do. If I confront him then he will be angry that I went through his game files. I don't feel up to another arguement. I just want my husbands love and affection reserved for me...is that too much to ask for?

He has been staying off more now that he is back at work, but the time he is on is when I am in bed. I can't remember the last time we went to bed at the same time. When I saw that to him, he says "don't start" and ends up staying later cause he is the type that will do the opposite of what you want if you push him.

I hate the OW. I hate her. They are more than friends and I know they are both to blame, but I blame her more.

I am so sorry.
I know your pain,it took me a very long time to feel anger toward the OW but I do now.She knew the pain of an A but did not care about me.She did not care if she hurt another woman the way she was hurt.I feel that she is a very selfish person because of this,she is the cause of my pain and for that I do feel hate toward her.

My H also met her on a game site so I know just how you feel.I would be in bed and he would be on the computer.Now when this happens it triggers me.

You seem to worry so much about him and how he is feeling,but does he do the same for you??
NO if he did he would stop talking w/her.I know you are to tired to fight but remember you are fighting for your M and your H.Dont let her win.Your H may get mad but he will get over it to.

Please do not turn into his door mat.He must take some responsibility for this.If he is allowed to continue in this behavior why should he stop.Find a way to let him know how upset you are without making him to angry if this is possible.

Have you tried the idea I gave you about emailing him?? This really seemed to work for me in the beginning I really encourage you to try this.

Take care.

I feel like I am in the twilight zone. I talked to the OW on the phone last night. She tried to reasure me they are friends and nothing more. Well if they are friends then why does the phone sex go on? I don't know if I hate her or what anymore. She has offered to have me talk to her on IM and yell at her anytime I want. She does admit there were moments in the past, but that they decided not to go there. She says they are firneds and will never go beyond that. I don't know what to believe anymore.

How did it come about that you talked to her on the phone??

Ok she says you can IM her and yell at her why??
I would not trust her,if she was not willing to completly stop any contact w/your H then it sounds like she is trying to snowball you.
Maybe she thinks if she can make you trust her than you will close your eyes to what is going on.
Does your H know that you two talked??
How does he feel about this??
Does she live close to you and your H??

How are you doing now?? Feeling any better??
I know lots of questions hope I did not over load you.

my husband was actually the one who handed me the phone. I have been telling him that I want to speak to her for weeks, but he has felt too uneasy about it. She tells me thay are just really good friends and that she knows I don't like her very much right now. That is why she said I could IM her. Anytime I feel like cursing her out to go right ahead cause there were moments in the past that they did have feelings for each other, but right now they are at the point where they are just really good friends. I have emailed her telling her how I feel about the relationship. She hasn't emaiuled me back yet. I asked her flat out about the phone sex and she said it doesn't mean anything. It is just something fun for them to relax. She has no intention of ever leaving her husband. I asked her about the "i love you"s and she said she does love him, but only as a friend. I am beinning to think that maybe the majority of this might be on my H's side. She might truly see it as friendship and so might he, but I think it might be more on his side. I don't know what to do. Since we talked my H is more relaxed around me, he even came to bed realitively early without my saying anything. The OW does live in our state, but she is like a 10 hour drive south and accross. I am not worried about them meeting. Part of me feels like my husband doesn't want me sexually cause he is having phone sex with the OW. I know he loves me, but how can I be sure that he wants me too. I am his wife, not just his best friend. AHHH, I am just so confused. My mother says I should get on anti-depressants. I can't wait for the insurance with my H's new job to kick in. I think I am going to buy a HPT today and see what the results are(I am 4 days late). I am just a little scared to know for sure. But I would very much like to tell my husband that I am. He will either be extremly happy or he will be stressed out cause we have no money. I will keep you updated, but don't be surprised if I chicken out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />