Talking is prob the only thing keeping me sane right now.

I think things are getting better, but then again I have been wrong before.

He has been attentive towards me and caring. He lost his first tournament in pool this weekend so has been bummed. However, the big one is this saturday.

I feel really bad about the letter. I hate hurting people. I think that is why i was so naive about what was going on. I try to think the best of people and it is very hard for me to dislike someone.

But I think I also got her thinking. She says she understands where I am coming from. She just doesn't want to lose my husband's friendship.

We will see how everything goes.

He has been on the computer a lot this weekend , but ht eweather has been bad and I know he wants to go fishing. He was setting up lures to go shark fishing the other day. And he is working again making money. He averages about $10 a shift right now and that is on limited duty.

My father-in-law has also started to do actual work aroun dthe house. He has all this time and energy now that he is out of work. (Now if I can only get my H to do the dishes or something helpful).

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ June 07, 2004, 07:41 PM: Message edited by: starshattered ]</small>

Hi Star
I still think you did the right thing by sending the letter.The OW needs to know that you WILL not just go away,that you love your H and will fight for your M.

Your H also needs to understand that there are boundries in friendship,especially a male/female friendship and I do not think phone sex is with in the boundries.

Him showing more attention to you is a good sign,be there when he needs you to encourage him even if it is over him being bummed about the lose of a game.

There is one thing I try and point out to my H and that is there should be NOTHING in life more important than his family(except God of course)and you deservese to be first on his list,just as I do.
My H puts many things before me and that is why I tend to pull away from him.I get tired of putting into the relationship and getting nothing back.

Hang in there girl sounds like you are doing pretty good.
Take care.

I feel like I am on a slippery slope that no matter how hard i try to reach the top, I keep sliding downward.

Last night my H and I has a disagreement. He was being paranoid and moody. I responded by being moody back to him. Just natural reaction to his surliness.

I am really hoping he is in a better mood when he gets home from work.

Well he was in a somewhat better mood when he got home, but his knee was really bothering him and he was stressing about the pool tournament today (I am meeting him there when my shift at work ends).

He asked me to go to bed early again cause he needed some alone time. He is really stressed right now. Is it wrong for him to ask this of me? Personally I feel that as his wife he should want to spend time with me. He feels that even when i am at work he is not aloen cause his father is still home and he never goes anywhere.

Added to the stress of his dad "hovering", he wants us to cover his bills for the month and we are barely scraping by. We were hoping to get the lawyer paid this month cause one of the creditors is almost ready to take us to court. But now his dad needs that money to pay the mortgage.

This has me pissed off. We came here to get out of our financial rutt and now it is even worse. he is dragging his feet about the disability. He needs to pick up the phone and make this appointment with them that he keeps talking about. I really feel like i am the only responsible one. Is it fair that I work 2 jobs? I know my H has limited hours until he gets cleared by the doctor, but couldn't they help me out? Help each other out? They barely talk to each other and it stems back to when my H had his emotional breakdown right after I found out about the A.

My H went away to visit a mutual friend and his dad felt he was running away from his problems. I think the trip was good for him cause he was able to relax and enjoy things again.

I have talked to the OW and she is being pretty honest with me about things. More than my H. She has admitted that she thinks my H is mad at her for not being on the computer as much. She also said they haven't had phone sex in a while and no words of "love" that she can remember. i believe the part about the phone sex. I even believe that she is not telling my H she loves him. However, I think my H is still saying he lover her. I think he sees more in the relationship then she does.

I am not sure what to think anymore. This whole thing with his dad has him very moody. I asked him if he wanted to sit on the couch and watch a movie with me and he almost jumped down my throat saying he could just sit on the couch and watch a movie cause then he would do nothing but think and stress about his pool tournament.

However, we did go out later to shoot pool. He was stressing big time and it really affected his game. I hope he is doing okay. I am afraid to call him to check cause they are still in the first bracket for another hour and I don't want to distract them before they get their break.

I hope they make it to the next round(which is in 4 hours). If they don't win then he will really be in a mood. He tends to blame himself if they lose even though it is a team of like 8 players.

we will see what happens:)

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: starshattered ]</small>

Star --

Add the book "Boundaries" to your reading list. I think it will really help you.

Well they made it to the third match. He was the first player up and he lost. Then the 4th and 5th guys on their team lost. Thankfully, he doesn't feel destroyed by this. He said he is glad the 4th guy lost cause then it wasn't all on him.

At least they made it this far. Hopefully the rest of the day will go better.

I heard him and OW having a disagreement last night. Apparently her H was going to bed and she stopped him by reminding him about something. This upset my H. I only heard one side of the conversation, but it sounded like he was upset with her cause they wouldn't be "alone". I have had this very conversation with the OW. I told her that he needs to understand the boundaries in the relationship. She has her own life and he has his. It is stuff like this that makes the friendship unhealthy and more than just friends.

I have a felling that it is not going to last much longer. I am not sure if that will be her choice or his. Maybe what I have said to her in the past is finally sinking in or maybe her H has finally realized what is going on.

I just want my life back to the way it was. I want back the H who use to by me roses and bring home little chocolate mints from work cause he knew I liked them.

I have a birthday coming up in about 2 1/2 weeks(i will officially be 24). My birthday wish is that I want to go on a date with my husband to a restaurant that is not a chain and you have to dress up (i.e. NO Red Lobster).

Hmmm...wishful thinking.

Sorry, I started my day off very excited and happy. Now I am just blah. The day is still young, maybe something good will come of it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

well my H and I had a big talk last night. He was talking to someone over IM last week and I asked him who it was. He told me it was an old friend. My instinct knew who this friend was and last night I was proven right. I can't remember if I said anything in my posts about the woman my H was talking to when he and the OW had a brief falling out. This was when he was deep in his depression and very easily drawn into things. This woman was bad news. She lied to him about things I said(which is why he stopped talking to her), but at one point my H thought he wanted an open marraige. This only lasted 1 day, he cam eto his senses and realized what an idiot he was.

Anyway, when I saw the name attached to the IM screen name I freaked. I started crying and told him I was pissed that he lied to me. He said I was upset more because of WHO he was speaking to. He hadn't told me cause he knew I would be upset. He said she had IM'd him and he didn't want to be rude by ignoring her. I told him my opinion that she is bad news and he should have no contact with this woman. He got angry and said he would deal with it in his way.

However, we went on our back porch where his father wouldn't interrupt us and had a talk. I told him why I was upset and all the things that have been stressing me. Unfortunatly, he wasn't feeling well when we had this discussion. So I don't think we really finished it, but he did say he has been treating me unfairly and he was sorry.

When we went back in the house he sat on the couch for a bit and then went back to the computer. My first impression was that he was going to ignor what I said and keep playing his game. I was wrong. He clicked on his yahoo buddy list and deleted the woman's name. :)Then he got back on the game and told the friend he was playing with (this is a mutual friend who knows everything that is going on) that he was logging off and going to bed.

I couldn't believe it. My husband hasn't gone to bed before 1am in about 6 months. AND to make it better he was going to bed the same time as me.

To make everything even better he hadn't talked to the OW at all. She never logged on, but usually when she isn't on by 11pm he calls her to find out if she is getting on the game.

I don't know if this was because he wasn't feeling well(though that usually doesn't stop him from anything) or if this was because he felt guilty. Or maybe I have helped him to realize what he is doing is wrong.

Should I take this as a good sign? Could things actually be getting better? Either way I am happy today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ June 14, 2004, 08:24 AM: Message edited by: starshattered ]</small>

Hi Star
I have not been online for a few days and it looks like things are going better.

So did they get eliminated from the tournament??

I think that YOU are showing him what a wonderful wife he has and maybe just maybe he is coming to his senses.

Things here are about the same.My H walks around like nothing is wrong.He hardly talks to me and just goes about his business.All he ever says is I dont know what to do(even tho I have told him and told him)and that he loves me.
Sorry just saying I love you is not enough anymore.

Hope things continue to go uphill for you and I hope you get your birthday wish.

sorry to here about that Ginger. It sounds like my H. He says he doesn't know what to do or what to think but that he does love me.


Yes, the team was eliminated from the tournament. He still has a chance to qualify as a single player in September.

It has been a rough couple of days. I had a brief breakdown in front of my H. I told him he was treating me like dirt and I didn't know how much more of this I could take. He said he realized he wasn't being fair. I knew we weren't done there, but since he wasn't feeling well I let it drop for the moment. Monday night the one of the worst possible things happened. We were in bed and he rolled over and started well...

He was still half asleep and he was saying what he would like to do to me. Then he called me by the OW's name. OUCH!

I pulled away and shook him fully awake and told him what he just did. He got upset and said he didn't mean it. That he talks gibberish in his sleep. Which he does. I wouldn't let it drop. I told him everything had to stop. He couldn't keep putting me through this cause I wasn't sure how much more I could take. He said he was sorry that he really loves me and doesn't want to lose me. He said he would talk to the OW the next day.

When I got home from work the next afternoon, he was home. My first instinct was I forgot to reset the alarm for him and he overslept. I walked in the house in a slight panic and his dad told me he had the schedual wrong that he was off. I knew this was wrong, my H had double checked everything.

When I saw my H he wrapped me in his arms and told me in a choked voice that he didn't want to lose me. He told work he had to leave that there were problems at home. We had a talk about things and he agreed to change the way he has been treating me lately. He also said that he would talk to the OW, but to let him handle it. I am not exactly sure what is going on in that front. I have not spoken to the OW myself, mainly cause I am so angry I am afraid of what I might do or say. However, things seem better after we had our talk. He is coming to bed early and being very attentive toward me. We even left his Tuesday night pool game right when they finished rather than stay longer so he could play with other people til after midnight like he usually does. Best of all when I got home today he was up and ready to cut the grass. We even went out to lunch.


I hope this is not just a short term illusion and that this lasts. Not sure I could stand to be disappointed again.

In the meantime all is good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ June 16, 2004, 05:30 PM: Message edited by: starshattered ]</small>

I am so sorry to hear about what happened in the bedroom,I hope that was a wake up call to your H.
You should not have to put up with stuff like that.

I am glad to hear that things are going better.Maybe your birthday wish will come true <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Keep posting even if things are going well so that I know how you are.And make sure you dont let it drop that he is going to talk w/OW about NC.Make sure this happens or things could get out of hand.

Take care,hope to hear from you again soon.

My H and I had a big fight on Saturday. I kinda gave him an ultimatium to stop the phone sex and that I don't want him staying up for all hours of the night especially on the phone. He finally agreed, but I don't feel much better. I feel like he is so distant. It makes me second guess myself. I have not taken back what I said.

It seems that my H conviently forgot what he said on monday about calling the phone sex off. What he said was that we neede to concentrate was "us". I told him it was all mixed together. There is no us as long as he is unfaithful. He doesn't see it that way. He sees the phone sex as just fun and nothing more. But it is obviously more if three months ago he thought he was in love with the woman and prob still thinks that way.

He came back at me that he has tried to be considerate and affectionate this week and I still got mad and upset with him. What did he expect. I have done so much to try and save our marriage and he hasn't moved an inch. He didn't want to give up his "perks".

He also ranted about his new job interview for a management position that I submitted his apllication for. He says he doesn't want to do the job. He doesn't want the hours. He hasn' even been to the interview, he doesn't know what hours he will be working. He doesn't even HAVE the job yet. I submitted the application cause I thought it would be something he would like. He is not happy as just a server, and this wouldn't have the late hours as a restaurant manager. Sometimes I wish he would grow up and take some responsability for his life. He is almost 30. He can't live like this anymore. He needs a secure job. He needs soem focus. Maybe if he had that he wouldn't turn to the internet.

I have his promise now that the EA is ended, but he was so down Saturday and Sunday. He barely spoke to me.He said he wasn't mad at me, or upset and that he did love me. He was just disappointed. In what!? I have been there for him for almost 6 years and her only a couple of months. I have had a lot more to be disappointed about. Is it so wrong to want my husband to be faithful to me and treat me with the respect I deserve? I am not putting up with this crap anymore. I will not relent.

When he came to bed last night he was his old self.Excited about the game and he held me till we both fell asleep. This mornign he had me set the alarm after I got up so he would be up early. He didn't have to be at work for another 4 hours after the time he told me to set it. When I asked him why, he said cause maybe if he started getting up earlier he might not stay up so late at night. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have not seen him this morning cause i had to be at work early for a few hours and when i got home he had left for work already, but I am so afraid that it will be the cold shoulder again. I hope he is the same man from yesterday.

I love my husband. And despite what he thinks I AM happy with him. It is only this one part that I am unhappy with. As long as he keeps his promise to me then there is no more problem.

I really liked how sweet he was being last week. I hope this was not the end of it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Please someone tell me I didn't use a love buster when I told my H no more.

I am so confused I want off this rollercoaster! One day everything is great and the next I wonder why I stay. One day he is happy and sweet and the next grouchy and annoyed. I am sick of these up and downs.

I may be wrong but by setting your boundries and being firm about it, I do not think that is a love buster.You did not be little him or disrespect him you just told him what you wanted out of your relationship.

If he did cut it off with her and was down over the weekend I hate to say this but it may be that way for a bit.After my H stopped talking w/OW he was so unhappy.
Remember these people were making them very happy, now it is gone they will mourn the loss for a bit this is where you show him how much better you are then her.I know it makes no sense really but that is just how it is.It is all a fantasy and they were getting such a high from it now they are going thru a low,its all a part of the rollercoster.

I am still this way,up one day and down the next.It seems when my H does good things for me(us)then I feel happy but it only takes one little thing to change that mood and bring me down.This was never my personality before his A.

Well sounds like things maybe going uphill for you I sure hope so.

And you are right he needs to grow up,but it takes some men a really long time to do this
so.......... just don't hold your breathe while you are waiting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> LOL

Take care good to see you back on.

<small>[ June 21, 2004, 05:55 PM: Message edited by: gingersnap ]</small>

oh...boy. I have started to have mild painc attacks where I just start crying for no reason. It is unnearving my H cause he asks "What did I do wrong now?". He just doesn't understand that it is not something he has done. In fact I seem to calm down when he is around.

Is this just some way of me unconcously trying to get attention from him?

We are both working on my birthday, but it is a morning shift. So maybe we will get to go out to dinner or something. I am trying not to get my hopes up about it.

I tell myself everytime he says something not to pay it any mind. If I think it is going to happen then I will be upset when it doesn't. And if it does happen and I didn't think it would then that makes it great. I know my thinking is kinda backwards and twisted.

On the brighter side, he is no longer having phone sex. This makes 2 weeks that I know he has done nothing. I consider this a small milestone. Also, my father-in-law has filed his disability and we are just waiting for approval. Hopefully my H should get a call tomorrow to set up a second job interview. He sounds excited about it again.

well thats the only update i have right now. But I guess it is liek they say ... no news is good news. Right?

I've been wondering about you.
Glad to hear things are starting to get better.

Things here have gone from bad to worst.
I'm not sure what the future holds but for now it looks like a seperation.

Ginger- sorry to hear that things are going bad for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I find it so hard to trust my H now. I started to panic that he has already replaced the OW with a new one. We had a talk about it and he says nothing is going on. Nothing may be going on , but I don't want it to start up later.

I kinda got my birthday wish. We went out to dinner and a movie. Unfortunatly it was Red Lobster so we did wear jeans. He told me to order whatever I wanted so i did get lobster out of it. lol

I am still having painc attacks, but they are not so bad now. And not all of them have to do with him.

I am just trying to take each day as it comes and not expect too much. I did tell him right out that I would not be able to go through this all over again. If he did start up with another internet woman then that would be it. No more chances. I would be on a plane back to Jersey so fast.

He didn't get the new job. Found out the day before my birthday so that kinda shadowed everything. I hope the rest of the year goes better cause this first half has been really sucky.

well I guess I was right not to trust him again. Last night I caught him having phone sex with the OW.

I told myself that if he did it again that I would leave. But I am still here so I guess I am not strong in my convictions.

I spent 2 hours trying to convince him not to leave the house (he wanted to go for a drive at 2:30 in the morning). I knew if he left that he would do something stupid like crash the car or drive it off a bridge.

He admitted that if I left him that he would just end it all so he would stop continously hurting me. We are still trying to work things out.

He says this was the first time he has done anything since I asked him to stop. He promised me he would. He broke that promise.

He says he can't stop cold turkey with phone sex. Does anyone know how to help him stop? He doesn't want to see a sex therapist. But any other suggestions would be welcome.

I am at my wits end. Too many broken promises.

Sorry to hear of this,I dont have much to suggest and I am sure I am not the one to suggest what to do but it seems to me that you are like me.You say you will do something but he knows you wont therefore why stop.

I saw and IC last week and she told me that to my H I am so predictable therefore he knows what will happen when he does something,I believe that is why the a was so easy for him.
I need to stop being so predictable and maybe you should to.
You do not have to live this way and neither do I.
I will probably end up moving and the only way we will get back together is on my terms.
Problem is I dont think he will even try to work things out.I have been gone a week and he has only emailed me once and tho he calls me daily it is usually only about a one minute conversations,if you do the math that means he has taken probably a whole 15 to 20min out of his time this week for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Do I deserve more than that??
Do you deserve more than to be lied to??

I think the answer for both of us is YES <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

was he cheating on you again or just the indifference?

The problem with my H is he doesn't see what he did wrong. He says he can dissassociate sex. Whatever.

I sent an email to the OW and apparently she then gave my H the impression that she will have no more contact with him. He is upset feels like he lost his best friend (that is what they have deluded themselves into...friends with benefits)
He is kinda giving me the silent treatment, being very quiet and only talking when I say something to him. It is like he is walking in a cloud

I say good ridence. If she really was his friend she wouldn't of helped him get in the situation he did.

Ginger- I think you are very strong for taking action. I told myself I would leave, but I just worry too much for his mental health.

No he is not cheating again that I know of,it is just the lack of change in him and our life.When things get ruff he tells me to leave,that we are no good for each other and that he cant take it anymore.
So I left.
I will go home next week but I am making plans to move over here closer to my kids hopefully by the end of summer.

Some days I feel strong other days I dont.I lost it yesterday when I found out he was out to lunch w/some guy and had not even taken the time to call or email me.I called him and told him how I felt but also let him know that the way he treats me is partly my fault for I have always allowed it,but no more.I want to be treated like I matter and you know what I do matter and so do you.You do not need to allow this treatment from your H and as long as you let him treat you like this it is just how he will treat you.Please dont wait until you have been married 27yrs like me before you realize that you do not deserve to be treated like this.

Ginger- I am sorry to hear how things have been going for you. Your advice has helped me so much in the last couple of months. I hope things get better for you.


As far as my marriage goes, I guess in a way this whole episode has really helped us. Yes, we fight now (which we never did before), but he is making an effort to improve things. Things have gotten better.

He is helping me out around the house and being really thoughtful. Earlier this week he had me stop in to see him at work and bought me dinner. This is how things use to be between us. He is also not on the computer as often.

I hope things continue to improve. Maybe it was me telling him that I thought of leaving that finally opened his eyes.

There are still things we need to resolve, but we are getting there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you for being there when I needed someone to talk to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />