I first came to MB as JKE in February of this year. My story (HOW DO I FORGET) is there if you care to read it.
At any rate, I had honestly thought that I had my emotions in check, and that being able to move on was my reality. I was checking out this forum everyday, looking up articles, reading about everything I could. I took home some of the worksheets that they have posted here.
Well needless to say that just as SS had said in that last post on that topic, the pain would return.
It has, with a vengeance.
I have been struggling with my feelings now for a good month. Work is now my refuge from going home and only being able to think about bad things.
The dreams continue to haunt me as well as a growing adjutation for what my wife and my friend chose to do while I was deployed.
Last night, after the tense month that we have had, I finally told her that I didn't think that I could get over what she did. I told her that I don't want to have to go to shrinks or counselors, or take medication to love her again.
I explained to her that the woman I married and loved wasn't a woman that was capable of doing that sort of thing. I told her that I know the reason she lied to me about it was because she knew I wouldn't be able to handle it.
I feel like too many Americans take this passively and spend more time blaming themselves and looking out for the WS and OM. The reason that this is in The Ten Commandments is because of the serious effects is has on something that was pure.
I can no longer look at my wife the same after going through this.
At the same time, I had a chance to tell her to leave last night and I couldn't. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of being lonely again, afraid that one day I'll get over this and she'll be gone, or just afraid of what she'll do to herself.
My life right now is full of so much stress. I have to remember the promise that I made to her father that I would take care of her and as I approach my final year in the Army we have went through a gauntlet of decisions that we want to make about our futures. Houses, careers, families, where we will live.
It's like I am always looking at what we will be instead of what we are, I have always been the type to hold my feelings in when it came down to the two of us, but now doing that is preventing me from talking, laughing, smiling, and loving her.
I guess that honestly I just don't know what I want, I just didn't want this and can't imagine why she would have done these things.
I asked her one night to answer all of the questions that I had roaming around in my head, she never did.
I'm rambling, but guys, I need some help in dealing with how inadequate she has made me feel, how she's made me feel like my marriage means nothing.
It's just terrible and has caused so many problems in the way I see our future together.
I think that the reason my first post was called HOW DO I FORGET is because I knew that I would never forgive.
Help, please.

Originally posted by Betrayed Husband:
I told her that I don't want to have to go to shrinks or counselors, or take medication to love her again.

Are you stubborn or what?

You need help but refuse help... why?

You have some things to learn... and perhaps counseling could help you learn them.... but you refuse to go...why?

If we called counseling/therapy "school" would you go?

And as far as medication goes... if you had strep throat, would you take the antibiotic?

If you are depressed, you are treating a real illness with real medication that can effectively change the outcome of your life... and you refuse... why?

Pep

Betrayed Husband,

First here is the link to JKE for all to refresh memories.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=004069;p=4

I have to agree somewhat with Pepper. I didn't want to go to counseling either. I thought it made me weak. I've gone and now realize that the toughest thing was to go while the easiest thing was to stay away and feel miserable.

Challenge yourself.

Still here to help,

cwmac

BH

You have got to go! There is nothing wrong with it! The more you purge your brain the more you learn about yourself!

Ali.

PS I totally understand about not the same person. The person who I thought I married would never have done this! So I am stuck too! But you cannot do this alone. Seeing an IC doesn't mean you are crazy, it helps out a lot if used with an open mind and willingness!

Dear Betrayed - you obviously still love your wife, even though you are not sure right now, if you didn't you would have never married her. You still love her and her mistake is not a reason to throw everything away.

Your marriage is worth fighting for, it is worth the time to go to MC, IC, read the books on A's and forgiveness, talk to your wife, tell her how you are feeling.

My H went through the same type of thing - shock of the A then after 6 mos he went through a real angry stage - asked all the same questions again
and questionned how could I do this to him -
What you are feeling is totally normal - it is a rollercoaster ride. Please do not give up - I'm sure your wife does not want to give up and that is why she is there. Believe me it is painful for ww too, I have days where it hurts to look at my H - I can see the pain in his eyes and know I have put it there, it is not a good feeling

Please keep posting - it is therapeutic, helps to talk about these things and alot of the poster here have been where you are - I'm sure they have alot of good advice for you or just an ear to listen - please don't leave again - you will find posting helps - reading others posts helps too - good luck - Sandy

<small>[ May 18, 2004, 06:29 AM: Message edited by: Sandy0000 ]</small>

I do love my wife, but it's not the same, and I think that right now I am going through the angry stage because I don't see why I should have to do all of this for a woman that would throw it all away for nothing.
I have all of these questions that I need her to answer though and I don't honestly know how her answering them will make me feel any better.
I scheduled an appointment with a counselor and I will go, I am just frustrated that I have to do this.
I wish that I could understand how she and some other people see this as just a mistake, it's not a mistake, it's intentional, she told me herself that she did it to hurt me. But thanks for talking to me and your thoughts, I'm hoping that she'll answer the questions that weigh so heavy on me all of the time.

BH:

"I finally told her that I didn't think that I could get over what she did. "

But it happened, and you don't get 2 choose an option that allows you 2 not "get over" this. This is real life. Things like this happen 2 good people. Seize this oppor2nity 2 show your W what your integrity means 2 YOU, what "for better or for worse" meant 2 you when you said that. This is part of the "worse". Unfor2nately one of the most painful lows in marriage.

Your relationship with your W will never be the same, that is true. But so long as you don't let yourself get bogged down in a blame-fest, swearing you'll never forgive and refusing 2 get help where you need it, it can be better. Seizing this time as an oppor2nity 2 learn something fundamental about who YOU are and what your promises mean 2 you will enable your R with your W 2 be better than it ever was before.

Persevere,
-ol' 2long

<small>[ May 18, 2004, 08:33 AM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

My whole point though is that I'm having to do all the work for her when she broke her vow to me, and this isn't the first time that she's thrown it all away, it's not the first time that she's chose someone or something over me.
She abandoned me years ago because she couldn't tell me the truth, she quit speaking to me while I was deployed, talked to her ex the whole time, even said "I love you Mike" and my name is Joseph.
I mean there's been so many times when I have had to question how she feels about me. I'm not so sure that I'm doing her a favor by staying with her. How many times can you handle being told they only love you as a friend or they still have feelings for someone else. How many times can you hear that they never thought they would be married to someone like you.
It just pisses me off that, it just pisses me off period. I'm angry yeah, I'm probably not being the model husband that I swore to be, but how much and how many times can you feel like you're never good enough?

Yep! I agree you are definitely in the angry phase. So many questions and so many feelings of confusion. Remember you have a right to feel angry. But it what you do with it that counts. Use it to to explore yourself rather than your wife and how much she betrayed you. Trust me I have learned the hard way. It just turns into a vicious cycle and nobody wins. I have basically planted myself at Barnes and Noble and read just about every self help book there is. I thought there was something desperately wrong with me.

I am sorry you were deployed and your wife wasn't supporting you. That must have been really difficult. Also I am glad you have an appointment with the IC. That is great. If you never been to one before it is going to feel really strange and might be uncomfortable. But once you get established, you will see things that you have never seen before. But you have got to stay committed. Do this for yourself!

K nuff said.

Ali

Originally posted by Betrayed Husband:
My whole point though is that I'm having to do all the work for her when she broke her vow to me

I hope I can correct a misperception...

You don't go to counseling for her... you go for you. To deal with the events in your life in such a way that you can continue to live and seek happiness... be it in this marriage or not.

You don't treat your depression for her ... you treat it for yourself.

Men get depressed and it often is expressed as anger... and that is one UNhealthy place to dwell for any length of time.

I wish you'd do healthy things for yourself.

If you go to counseling with the goal being a better understanding of yourself, and to achieve better living/coping tools for yourself... that is a winning situation.

Argue with that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Pep

PEP,
Honestly I have no argument and I totally agree, I was just talking to a friend about that same thing outside as a matter of fact.
I have tried to bottle everything up and that doesn't work, there are just so many answers that I need from her but I don't think that they will help me feel any better about this in the end.
She needs counseling too because obviously she's going through so much and has been through so much.
I just guess that I don't want to admit that somebody like her has hurt me so bad that I have to go talk to somebody, it's hard you know. No argument, even though you type to people using BOLD.

Originally posted by Betrayed Husband:
even though you type to people using BOLD.

LOL!

YOU win the prize!

No one has asked me why I do this ... but you get the prize...

I type in BOLD because I cannot easily proofread my posts in normal type... something going on with my bifocals.

I use BOLD because I'm OLD!!!

LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep

Originally posted by Betrayed Husband:

I just guess that I don't want to admit that somebody like her has hurt me so bad that I have to go talk to somebody, it's hard you know.

So don't tell anyone in your life where you are going when you talk to a professional. Just use the confidentiality of the pro as a blanket of protection.

Don't let your pride cost you your sanity.

Pep

betrayed, what about her? Has she indicated any willingness to get into therapy? Does she want a divorce, or does she want to stay? Just curious. Why should you have to do all the work? To survive. If she would join you in marriage counseling, then you'd both be doing the "work" of trying to save your marriage.

If you asked her if she would get into marriage counseling with you, what do you think she would say?

I have talked to her about counseling, in fact at lunch today I told her that she needed to go because this is hurting her too. She has said, always, that she would be willing to go, she just never has. I have been to counseling plenty of times and I think that is why I'm irritated with the idea of having to go back.
I guess maybe I'm already insane so I need to go, kind of like alcoholics go to meetings. Who knows?
Things can look up and talking about it, no matter if it's through the internet or to friends is much better than rehearsing what I want to say to my rearview mirror driving home, plus that's just dangerous anyways.
My hope is that they can help us and we can get back to the relationship we had where the past didn't matter, but it will take work on both of our parts and she'll definately need to learn to open up much more, not only to me, but to all of her loved ones.

Good point, DISOWNING problems, I understand now, maybe you yourself should look into being a shrink because you have convinced me that I can do this.
All the world needs to be a better place is a little mind control, seriously!
Thanks Pep, even after you scolded me on your first post I knew that you cared. I appreciate it.

Originally posted by Betrayed Husband:
I have talked to her about counseling, in fact at lunch today I told her that she needed to go because this is hurting her too.

FYI...

Telling her she needs to go is NOT a great tool to inspire a resistant suspicious wife...

YOU taking the initiative yourself, making happy self-improvements ON YOUR OWN ... may inspire her to go.

Attract her with a new attitude... your willingness to seek better ways to be an improved husband who values his W so much he's willing to walk the walk.

Someone has to be the first one to take that chance. Might as well be you.

You're the MAN, you lead. Don't push.

Best of luck!


Food for thought.

Pep

Originally posted by Betrayed Husband:
maybe you yourself should look into being a shrink

Noooo

I'm a jamaican proctologist! (with bad eyes)

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep

Betrayed I'm wondering what would happen if you went to your wife, told her that you've made a MC appointment for both of you, that you aren't sure you want to stay in the marriage and she probably isn't either, but that therapy has to happen for you to make that decision. And then when the time comes to go, take her along.