Thanks for asking Aspen Tree,

Well, my wife has said that she will "find" Joe (she instists that he is not around anymore), and tell him that I want to talk to him so I can get some closure on this. I'll see what happens...

We are moving out of the country (we live in Europe now), and back to the US in one week. I may never have complete closure.

I am such a pain, one day we are getting along great, and the next I ruin it with my nagging questions...and she makes me feel as if I am the bad guy.

I know I probably won't get to talk to Joe, and we will return to the US. How can I move on with my life, put these letters behind me, and be the husband that I need to be to prevent another "Joe"?

Hmmmm. Time for Plan A. Get firmly in Plan A. You have to make it safe for her to tell you the truth. Stick with us, we will help you figure it out.

I would also insist on marriage counseling.

Thank you believer,

I think you hit something that is the single most important issue for me...Truth.

I can get past about anything if she would just be truthful with me.

Tedinbe-

I rarely post, but your message brought me out. My situation did not involve letters, but my W was using her cellphone during a several month so-called friendship. DDay was December 03. She still does not admit to anything more than phone calls and now we are to the point that I don't ask. She too, became more intimate with me(which was very unlike her, but which I appreciate very much) and we have been to MC. She is holding the details in, I believe, but I am convinced there is no more contact and that nothing physical happened. My point is, from my perspective, there is not closure in our situation. Over time, however, and the obvious effort on the part of my W to engage in our M, we are closer now than ever.

Maybe someday she will reveal more. She says I know everything. Is this closure? In your case, when you move back to the states you may not know everything either, from your perspective. Just be aware of this as you focus on what you have and how good things are or can be. I hope this helps.

Regards

Thanks for your thoughtful words Maduro they help allot.

I think I am on track with what you are saying...

I guess a true test will be when we leave the country.

I have found that she has created a new email address though...I haven't said anything; I think she thinks I do not know about it. I have found myself obsessed with trying to come up with the password, so I can get some solid evidence.

I am being contradictory and irrational...I want to stop snooping, but it's like I am addicted...

tedinbe - You are perfectly normal. I constantly snooped, drove around town to "find them". It is just what BS's do.

You might show up at her work or call and ask for Joe.

They lie because they don't want to hurt us, but in the end, they hurt us more.

Tedinbe-

Just to be clear, I agree with Believer that to snoop is normal. In the beginning, I was on a mission to review the phone records and when successful it confirmed my gut suspicions. You could say I was addicted to finding something.

I haven't checked up on her through snooping in over a month, however- but am reserving that right. The urge to snoop goes away with time too.

Even though I feel we do not have closure because my wife's version downplays the whole situation, and there were a lot of phone calls, I believe there is no contact today. If I need to snoop in the future to verify no contact, I will. Do not feel guilty about snooping.

I hope this hasn't confused you too much.

Regards

I too agree with the others concerning "snooping".
I myself am probably "Queen of Snoopers".

It's better now but at the beginning, I was snooping like crazy and I did find things.

Sometimes I'd get up in the night when I was sure that my husband was sleeping and I'd go through his car. Other times, I'd turn on his cell phone, just to see if OW would call or send a message.

I snooped whereever and whenever it was possible. I was "obsessing" but I'm gratefull that this is now better.
I just don't find anything anymore. But who wonders the affair is over and my husband is committed completely.

I still would say that as long as your "gut" is giving you "permission" and as long as you do not feel safe, you have all the right in the world to snoop. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care
bb

I just found cell phone records that matched a guy named "Joe". Two calls were made: one on a Sunday for 25 minutes, another the following Sunday for only 1 minute.

This guy turns out to be the principal at the school where my wife is a teacher's aide.

I confronted her and she said that they discussed some of the children at the school. I just don't understand why she would use the cell for a call like that and not call from the house, or even wait to discuss at school the next day.

She completely denies anything is going on with this guy, or anyone else for that matter, and that if I don't believe her I should leave her. She has me apologizing, and then we get along great...

Hi there,

listen to your "gut"!!!!!!!

This sounds very strange. If I had something concerning work to talk about, I would discuss it at work and not on a Sunday on my cell phone.

Or can she explain what was so important that she had to talk about it??? If she can't then it's really strange.

I'd also recommend you to get the book: "Cheaters" by Raymond B. Green

bb

Tedinbe-

My W used her cell phone, but when I finally saw the records there were 100's of calls over a 5 month period. Before my gut feelings started (and before I saw the records) my W also began to focus on her appearance and became more affectionate with me. She started to work out, tan etc. I did not recognize these signs until way after. We have been married 19 years, so I did not suspect anything. My gut told me first.

Changes in behavior (such as focusing on appearance)is a big sign. Are there any?

By the way, the 1 minute call is likely a left message. There were many on my W's bill.


Regards

One thing you could consider is to install some keystroke monitoring software to get the password. This will also enable you to read every email she writes even if she doesn't save them since that software will save each kepress as it is pressed (typed). This software enabled me to discover my wife's affair and confront her with it. She calls me her 'hero' for saving her from herself and never questioned my motives for checking her emails. I have a 'trust but validate' approach and this is just part of the 'validate' side of the equation. Some will say it is wrong to spy on your spouse. I think that if you are suspicious then that is the time to validate things, no matter where it takes you. I used software called '007'. If you type '007 spyware' into google or yaho search engines you should be able to find it. Just be prepared for what you might find - do you really want to know the details? It really hurts to read your spouses email to her lover. It could take a long time for the pain of having those details in your brain to fade - if ever. For that reason I recommend you read only enough to detect the affair and then stop reading - I wish I had stopped reading the emails earlier personally...swdad