BH82,
Im am sorry to hear about your Wifes infidelity,
You are now in the first phase of dealing with infidelity.
THE SHOCK PHASE: You cannot believe this has happened to you! You dont want to believe it has happened. How could the woman you love give herself to another?
This is the very first part of the trauma your wife has inflicted upon you.
Get ready for your wife to blame you,,, She will, it is her natural reaction. Right now she does not want to believe that she and she alone is responsible for her actions. Just like it was said to me take everything your wife says right now with a grain of salt. She is not going to have any answers or logic for you. All of the questions you ask her she will eventually ask herself.
While details of an affair may differ, the hurt for the BH (betrayed husband) is so similar it is scary. I have been there it shocked me the same as you.
SECOND STAGE-> THE REALITY PHASE: This was one hard phase for me,, no matter how much you want to believe it did not happen,,, it has. You canot come to terms with it. This is when it really hit me hard,,,, You have to accept it has happened there is no changing it,,,,, its done. This is where most all of my late night cry sessions occured. The only way I found to get through this was alot of reading and understanding that a womans infidelty is not uncommon, They dont just betray people that they do not love. You will need to do alot of reading to deal with the reality of the affair.... Surviving An Affair is a great start,, also Dealing with Infidelity.
They will help you from dwelling on the fact that it has happened, and help you realize, How affairs begin,,How affairs should end, how to cope with the pain of an affair, and how to rebuild an affair proof marriage.
THE NEXT PHASE-> ANGER: This was my love busting phase. Mostly triggered by those horrible visions in my head of my wife giving herself to another man. This phase can tear the marriage apart for both of you, decisions you might make during this phase will most likely be terrible decisions. Feelings of revenge, destruction of memories, hasty made decisions to divorce,,,,,exc. This is where you have to try to control yourself. It is very hard,,, find stress relievers, excercise,, perscribed medication, a hobby or simply talking and venting your emotions on a close friend, this board, or A counselor.
NOW COMES THE FORGIVING PHASE: Notice I havent said a word about forgiving your wife yet? Thats because I know during the first 3 phases it was impossible for me to even think of forgiving my wife. All I knew was Shock, hurt, and anger,, all which made it impossible to forgive her. An important thing to remember is your wife was not simply born to commit adultery,,, even you in the right conditions can become the adulterer. I had a one night stand shortly after discovering my wifes affair. I allways felt I could never do that to her or my children... I made bad decisions that set the conditions.. During the reality phase I moved out,,, during that time I confided in another woman she made me feel important, made me feel like I was a man again this was an attraction,, next thing I know I am now the adulterer. Be wary of who you confide in you want to remain faithful,, I was selfish and thought of nobody but myself.
This is the phase I am in right now.. Coming to terms with forgiveness takes alot of understanding why your marriage was hit with such a damaging rock,,AN AFFAIR is the worst pain one spouse can put another spouse through. You can believe this,, there were issues in your marriage that made it vulnerable to an affair. Once again not a justification for your wife at all,, she simply made a bad decision that did not have to happen. She alone has to bear the responsiblity for her actions to ultimately this man into your lives. Nevertheless an emotional need was not met by your wife in the marriage. I take full responsibility to the role I played in my wifes affair,,, I denied an emotional need that she longed for from me. Even though I felt I was meeting her needs there was all the little signs that my wife was strying from her marriage vows. It really takes you to get through the first three phases before you can start to take the step toward forgiving your wife. To totaly forgive means you will also have to come to terme with what was wrong in your marriage. There is no perfect marriage,, but there are faithful marriages. When 2 people constantly meet each others Emotional Needs it puts up a shield against even the thought of adultery.
FINAL PHASE-> Rebuilding a lasting adultery free marriage. While me and my wife are still in the forgiving phase, I know that if I forgive her then go back to not meeting her emotional needs I once again may serve her up on the dinner table to another man. To me its about understanding. Understanding each other in the relationship. Working for one another to create a bond so strong it is inpenetrable to outsiders.
It can be done but to do it it will take going through all of these phases and alot of time to rebuild your marriage. Be strong you can do it.
