As I wrote in the other thread, we had a good conversation today. His major issue is TRUST, because in the future he will continue to leave for at least 6 months at time. How do I show him he can trust me? It would be a lot easier if he were not 3,000 miles away.

I have repeatedly told him the affair was not his fault, and it had to do with my own insecurites, etc. He is finally getting it I think. It is not him that is lacking. Sure, our marriage can use a major tune up, but it was not his fault, he did nothing to cause this. He trusted me too much! Now he cannot trust me at all. I know Harley says you should never trust your spouse 100%, but my husband thinks "he needs to trust me 120%". Any ideas on rebuilding trust?

I start with my new IC tomorrow, we'll see....My husband wants me to focus on me, not the marriage,a nd I know he is right, but I need to try to stop the divorce before it's too late.

I talked to him about IC for him too. He says but when??? That is a good question, but I will try to find someone who is willing to do late nights and weekends. He is still aprehensive, but not totally against it. I have to be careful not to be too pushy, major love buster for him. I'm a control freak, and that is an issue I have to work on, this whole think has put the control in my husbands hands, and I think he like that. I am learning.

At least I can be thankful for our improved communication...it is getting better with time and patience. I know a large part of it is due to the knowlege I've gained here.

Any suggested books on rebuilding trust?

Thanks!

Lost,

You directed me to this sight so that I could see how hard you are trying to put back together our marriage. However, I notice you've only mentioned one of the 3 that you have cheated with. Sure, 1 of the guys was only a kiss, but I still count it as 3. Also, the papers I gave you stated I would pay off all bills (excluding your vehicle) and you are entitled to most of all our tangible assets, ie house stuff. If your going to drag me over to this sight, at least make sure your being truthful.

hmmmmmmmmm....

Is it true what your husband has written????

bb

JustPete is my husband. His posts are right on, everything he's saying is the truth. As I said before, he is a wonderful man, and the closest to a perfect husband anyone could expect. It was me that was unfaithful more than once. He has never been unfaithful ever.

To clear up what he is saying about the other 2 perps, he is right. I didn't mention it earlier, because I too am just coming to terms with what I've done. It is difficult to admit you have betrayed the man you love more than once.

The first OM was 2 years ago. We had a very brief EA/PA. I ended it, and never told my husband. This was the beginning of a terrible nightmare for me. I was ruined. I was a virgin when I met my husband and now I was ruined. It was a horrific feeling, a whole was being eaten in my heart. I could not tell my husband what I did...I was afraid and stupid. This OM meant nothing, and I felt like a fool. I tried to just move on, but the guilt was eating me, and the lies and deception were killing our marriage. So I kept quiet.

A few months later I went to a work function with co-workers. 2 males, and 1 female. All but one of the males were married. After we went to the function the single male drove us all home. He asked if he could come in for awhile to sober up before he drove home. I said yes...big mistake. I had also had a couple of drinks, I don't drink a lot, and when I do, it doesn't take much. We just sat and talked. I know it was wrong to even be doing that, I'm a married woman. But I was not thinking clearly at all. He mad e a few passes at me, which I declined. He was in no shape to drive, so I told him he could sleep on the couch. I slept in my bedroom with the door locked. Yes, locked! I was shocked and scared by my coworker. I realized I had gotten myself in a situation I never should have been in. There was absolutely NO PHYSICAL CONTACT EVER. NOT EVEN KISSING!!! I don't expect my husband to believe this, after all the lies and deception. but that is the truth. My co-worker and I discussed this issue at work, and all was settled. I told him I wan not interested then and I never would be. That was the end. But I never told my husband, big problem.

Then can the EA/PA I talk about here. It was the real winner!!! It all began because of those other two incidents. OM was a close friend of ours. The guilt was eating away at me. I couldn't take it. My husband was a wonderful man whay what had I done? I confided in this "Friend". I told him what I had done, and how lost I was. All the lies and deception kept eating at me, and I caved once again. I began an EA 6 months later. Followed by a brief PA. Broke it off entirely for 7 months (no EA no PA), at this point I began IC. I was a mess, and couldn't tell my husband what I had done, because he was about ready to move across the country for a major job promotion. I made another big mistake by keeping in contact with OM. PA started again, (very very brief) followed by EA again. It was an extreemly tangled web I wove.

My husband found out about EA with his friend by reading e-mails. I was earlier on this very day the OM nad I had finally realized we had to break all contact once and for all. I was addicted to him, and he was like a drug to me. I could not take the double life any longer. Thus I do believe it was devine intervention. I was addicted, and if my husband had not found the e-mails I may have gave into my addiction once again. The very next day I went to an internet cafe to e-mail OM, tell him I was okay, that Pete knows, and not to contact me anymore ever. Devine intervention stepped in once again before I could even type a message. My husband walked in. I feel this was God being very clear to me that No Contact should be made with OM ever again. And I listened finally.

I did not disclose the details about my affairs to my husband because I was scared. Scared to hurt him, and scared he would leave me like I deserved. I would do the same if the shoe were on the other foot. It took me two weeks to fully disclose everything to my husband about all my infidelities. Even then, he had to pull it out of me. I know how damaging that has been, I made a horrific situation even worse. I know all of that now, and a whole lot more than I did then.

My husband is in a very elite school, and this was the last thing he needed to deal with. In my twisted sick little brain, I felt that if I could just wait till after this school, it would better. I know I was wrong. I was trying to protect him. I know it was too late for that.

As far as the financial situation, my husband is completly right. He supported me all the while I was going to school, and he has always given me everything I have ever wanted. He deserves to make a clean break with his finances in tact. He should never have to pay monitarily for my mistakes.

Does he want to save our marriage? I will let him answer that himself, but I think after all I've done it is pretty clear he just wants out, and who would blame him.

I am sorry I posted this things about our personal life here on the web. I knew it would make you angry, but I felt I had no other choice. I needed people to talk with that understood your position. I am sorry I left out important details. No one here is balming you for anything. I am taking the Full Blame here. I told you about my posts here because I am trying to open up my life to you again. I felt it would not be right for me to continue to post without you being aware of it. I will stop posting if it is your wish. I am sorry I upset you.

Just Pete,
I, too, am a BH. Regardless of the reasons why your W "dragged" you here, I wanted to let you know thatMarriage Builders has helped me tremendously.

There is great advice here but the IMHO the best reason to come here is to use it as a virtual support group.

I don't think I could have gone to an actual support group. Too embarrassing and too humiliating.

Being a guy I'm sure you can relate. We don't like to talk about our feelings. We especially don't like to admit that we have been victims of infidelity.

I can come here to ask questions, bounce ideas off of people and to vent if necessary.

I'm so glad I found this place. If I hadn't I probably would have walked away from my wife and family w/out even trying to recover my marriage.

I can't force you to give your marriage a shot nor can your W for that matter. What I can tell you is you're going to need to recover from this and in my opinion you'll recover faster with the help of your W than w/out her.

Running away or running into the arms of someone else may seem to be the short term answer but for you to be happy in the long run I believe that you need to make repairs with the person that's caused the damage.

I'm about a year out from finding out about my W's "mistake." I'll be honest things aren't perfect. I have my days when I think I should just minimize my losses but those days are alot fewer and definitely further between.

My self image has vastly improved. I know that my marriage is 100% better than it was pre-DDay.

Although I think we're ging to make it and have a better marriage, in the event that we divorce I'll at least know that I gave it my all.

I'm happy to share more if you have questions, thoughts, whatever...

Mac

LLG,
My advice to you is to get back into IC asap.

I'm no expert, but multiple affairs are usually indicative of deep personal issues. Was your family touched by infidelity?

What did your former IC say? Was the IC aware of the infidelity?

Mac

I am back in IC now...the major issues we are dealing with is my repeated infidelity. She says it's a pattern I created. When she decribes it, it makes perfect sence. She links them all and think each lead to the other.

My prior IC knew about the repeated infidelity. She actually instructed me NOT to tell my husband till after he finished the school he was in. This was 6 months ago. I did not get much advice from her. She played most of it off as my being so young, 16 when I met my husband, 17 when we married, barely 23 when I had my first fling. Which completely hit me out of the blue. I never thought I had it in me to do such a thing. I had always been friendly, thats just me. I never realized how careful I needed to be. My eyes have really openned now. I'm glad I moved, and am now seeing someone new.

Yes, I have deep rooted personal issues that my husband is aware of. If I would have been in IC long ago as my husband recommended, then I dodn't think any of this would have happened. I was also off my meds, which my new psych thinks was a contributing factor. I am working on these issues now, and my husband is aware of it. He is very supportive of me getting the help he has known for along time I needed. He has been very patient. Most men would have left me long ago, even befor the infidelities.

Yes, I have a major fmaily history of infidelity. In fact it's hard to think of one marriage in my family that has NOT been rocked by infidelity of some sort. My Dad is the biggest offender of them all. He had numerous affair on my Mom before I was even born. My Mom knew about them. They were already in the process of getting a divorce when I was concieved. They divorced when I was 6 months old, and my Dad married one of the OW. Their marriage lasted 2 weeks...and since he signed a prenump, he had to pay her allimony for the next 10 years. He didn't learn his lesson yet either. until he settled down at 45, he was a blatant womanizer. I have always longed for his affection as he was a very absent Father. IC as well as BOTH my parents think this could also have been an undelying issue of mine. We are exploring this too in IC. As well as my always needing to seek the approval of others.

There are time when I feel like the oldest 24 year old in the world. I will be divorced before most people marry in the first place. My husband is a truly wonderful man. I have caused him soooooo much pain. I see why he just wants out and away from this crazy girl.

LLG,
That's great that you move on to someone you believe in.

Unfortunately there are bad ICs and MCs out there. The advice not to tell seems to be old school but there are still advocates out there.

You said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I never thought I had it in me to do such a thing. I had always been friendly, thats just me. I never realized how careful I needed to be. My eyes have really openned now. I'm glad I moved, and am now seeing someone n </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not a licensed counselor but based upon your description of your relationship with your father I think you can see how your behavior was probably a tad bit more than flirting. You were looking for affirmation from males. Your H wasn't enough bc of the damage done so you flirted with many men.

Hopefully you and your current IC can work out a program of therapy so that you can deal with your father and his abandonment.

Keep working on you. Hopefully your H eventually responds if he sees a vast improvement.

Mac

just pete
try and meet her half way. i'm dealing with something just like this and i know being almost a year now away from d-day that time does help. it sounds like she cares. none of us is perfect.

I am currently working on the issues of abandonment. I have always been really scared to be alone. Yes, I seek afirmation from males. These are all issues I'm currently working on. Issues I had supressed for a long time. I grew up with infidelity...it was just there. When I called my Dad to tell him what I had done, he cried like a baby. He said he never wanted me to make the same mistakes he made. He feels responsible...but I don't hold he responsible at all. He is being really supportive now for the first time ever, and that is good. I wish it hadn't taken this to wake him up.

Justpete is very aware with my issues with my Dad. He even got into it with my Dad last Christmas over his continual lack of involvement in my life. He was just trying to protect me as he has seen how this has eaten away at my all my life. I love my Dad, but he is not a Father. It is difficult. When I look at other peoples relationships with their Dad's I'm always jealous. Justpete has a great relationship with his Dad, and he wanted the same for me. I guess I got used it it the way it was, but the hurt runs deep. It is not my Dad's fault I have been unfaithful, but I do have underlying issues with him I need to resolve.

My husband really is a wonderful guy, and the reasons I strayed don't really have much to do with him. I think it is really all on me. My husband always tried the best he could. It was me that didn't give our marriage my best effort. I do think we both could have really used some education on what it takes to maintain a marriage. No one ever taught either of us what to do when things were slowly slipping way. I think even before my infidelities I was just too scared to face it. I wish I could have been honest with myself years ago, let alone my husband. We needed to work on our marriage long ago. We weren't falling apart, we just needed TLC. Then my infidelities killed it dead. I want it back though...talk about a wake up call! I know where to begin now...with Me. The rest is between God and Justpete. He deserves to be happy!

Hi LLG,
Not sure if your're even around anymore after i saw the post about Pete's lawyers.

If you are lurking, I wanted to respond to a few things.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am currently working on the issues of abandonment. I have always been really scared to be alone. Yes, I seek afirmation from males. These are all issues I'm currently working on. Issues I had supressed for a long time. I grew up with infidelity... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can relate to much in this paragraph. I grew up with infidelity except it was my mother with our neighbor, who ultimately became my stepfahter. My father either couldn't take it or used the adultery as an excuse to flee. I have abandonment issues and trust issues via two different parents.

Always thought my W was the one person I could trust. Learned otherwise.

Keep working on you.

Pete,
If you're out there. Try to give it some time.

Mac

Lost,

You may want to check into Borderline Personality Disorder...much of it is centered on a fear of abandonment.

JustPete,

I think it is important for guys like us to know we're not alone. These are sad times...you no doubt saw the Newsweek article on the increase in infidelity among wives. SICK!

It is hard for guys like us that are LOYAL to a fault to live with such badness on the parts of our wives. I wish I could tell you it gets easy...but I am two years removed from my wifes SECOND affair....and it is as difficult as ever. My advice to you is to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Be good to yourself...this has NOTHING to do with you...it is a character fault in adulterers. It is sad. If women only knew that these guys are just using them for 'free ejaculations'....but alas....the 'increase in adultery among women' is on...

You're man of honor...don't surrender that.