Life has still conspired against me and I have not
had a chance to talk to her yet. Work and the
kids are great stressers right now. There
were a couple times I came close.

I have spent untold hours thinking about how
I can confront this and actually use it to
build trust and intimacy.

I can tell when I touch her that she wants it
but there is a sadness in eyes. I can tell
she is heavily burdened by something.

I did give her an unexpected surprize last night.
The gold necklace I has ordered for her
before the recent discovery arrived yesterday.

She had lost her favorite necklace and I had
wanted to surprise her with a new one as sort
of a thank you for not giing up on us.

It was meaningful to her. In nine years together
I had only given her 2 pieces of Jewelry.

I could have held on to it but I decided to give
it to her to help her forget her troubles for
a while. It was not her birthday. I was given
to celibrate her.

I have decided that while I wait for the right time.
I am going to write all my thoughts down so that I can
organize them. I want to make it as loving and comforting
as possible.

Basically I want to help her unburden herself of the secrets
she has been keeping. I will make it clear that it
necessairy for her to get it all out and there should
be no fear of rejection. We most remove this barrier
to establish to intamcy again. I am not sure how she
will react but I know it would be the most moving thing ever
if someone did it for me.

For the first time I see the light at the end of the
tunnel. I know once we get past this our lives will be
better then expected.

I have type a letter with everthing I want
to say to her when I confront her. It is more
of guildline to help me remember under high emotion.

I left her a nice card with a note lifting her up
to help her deal with work. I did mention
that when she is ready I have some things
I would like to talk to her about our marriage.

It is my hope that it will happen soon.
I hope is goes as well as it has in my
head 1000 times.

Still haven't talked. Son would not go to sleep.
Tonight I am going to set the kids up with a
movie and take my wife downstairs to talk.

I hope they do not interupt this time.

Pray for me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by eric. n:
<strong>


My advise to U is to tell her calmly,, "Honey I am miserable right now and it is not because of what I know it is because of what I need to know. I really need the cold truth of what has occured in our marriage." "I know it is not easy for you to tell me of these things but I cannot move past the wall of not knowing" "It is not just important to me but it is important to our marriage that we get this out all at once so we can deal with the hurt, repair our marriage and be a loving spouse to one another again." "Please take your time to consider what I am saying and know that I am fully committed to forgiving, but for me forgiveness comes in forgiving everything"

Thats pretty close to the way I put it to my wife.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Eric,

Thanks for your advice. I finally did talk to my
wife last night. I approached her much like
you said. I did not condem her, I just need to
know the truth and get it all out in the open
so we can get through this.

Her reaction was expected. She was very upset.
She tried to push it off on me for reading
her diary in the first place.

All of this was in the past and I only
succeeded in hurting myself

She would not let me how long the affair lasted
saying it didn't matter. I told her it mattered to me.

She was mad because she had committed herself
to being a good wife after I found out about the EA and I had spy and learn about her affair.

I told her that I loved her enough to forgive
but I thought it would take a lot of help
from her and counselor.

I could tell it was tearing at her to know that I knew about the affair. I told her if she
ever wanted to talk I would listen and forgive.

Right now she is still withdrawn from me. Still
mad I would spy on her.

I expect in time she will tell me what I wanted to know and some things I didn't

One thing she did say that was encouraging is
that she was not about to find what she needed
outside of our marriage.

I have been reading love busters and it is like
having our marriage under a microscope.

We have spent most of marriage in a state
of conflict making demands of each other.
the last year we both hated each other and
just withdrew. I now know this can be corrected.

As hard as it is to forgive, I know it will
be worth it in the end.

Thanks for everyones help and I will keep you
posted of the progress.