It was physical with W's boss, although W won't give me any kind of details. W really hasn't said much at all. W did say she thought her leaving job was an ultimatum to choose me over OM. I haven't even had the gusto to ask if the affair is still going on. Do I ask? If she won't leave, what can I do? Tell her to go, then? She is still in F, and would choose OM. Pretty sure of that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

HELP! Just found out W is taking out large amounts of cash from ATM's.(Does this qualify as "just found out"?) How can I handle this without LB'ing? I"m ready to freak out now! She is lying about $. My head has been in the sand on this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

OK it is time for you, if you can, to close the account and open another bank account. If you can't then stop your paycheck from going into your shared account and deposit it into another account. If you have any shared credit cards, contact the credit card company and tell them to take your name of the credit card account so that any liabilities that you WW acquires will not be passed on to you.

It is also time for you to expose the affair to the OM's W since your WW has not committed to ending the affair.

Well, I just had found out W had put us in the <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> hole close to $1000 with her craziness. Gambling, drinking, etc. I was calm, no LB's I think. W told me she was going to hand over the $ to me. Well, a little too late. We may be evicted for what I know. W has always handled the $. I told her that I was at fault too for keeping my head in the sand. I told W she hurt me, and our family. Lot's of tears. I asked why she did it. W said "I don't know". Told her I would be in possesion of our $, I would get my own account (something I should have done the minute she told me of A. My only friend that knows told me to.)

I see this as helping to lift F out of W. I asked W about a new job, she said nothing. I asked W about if she's going to do it. Says nothing. Just cries. How can I pursuade her to do this? I think this could be a positive for the situation. Maybe not. Will she crack, and leave? She won't have all the $ anymore, and it will be under my daily watchful eye. Last thing W said to me was "I should have given up(on $) a long time ago. The truth, is that she has a spending problem, and a gambling problem. I told W this, but she just cries. I told her we can do this together, trying to be positive about this. Hopefully this will burst that fantasy bubble a little. Any suggestions?

Good job keeping calm over this whole money mess.

I know you want your marriage to work, and in order for that to happen, their must be NC...which will be impossible if she continues this job since OM is her boss. She or he HAS to go. Make that one of your next discussions.

Good luck!

Stop waiting for your fogged up spouse to save your marriage and act responsibly....she won't!!! That's what being in the fog IS.

Please listen to the best advice you are going to get all day: Call this man's wife and blow the lid right off of this affair. Call HIS boss if he has one and do the same thing. Do it in a loving way...for instance:

to his wife: My name is X. I am sorry to burden you with this information, but my wife X is having an affair with your husband X. I am trying to save my marriage, and I hope you will do the same. Please forgive me for delivering this news, but destroying the secrecy that fuels affairs takes putting it out in the open.

Call her family, if she is close to any other them, and any friends that you have that support your marriage and ask them to please help your wife.

I hate to suggest this....but you need to face the possibility that your wife is also abusing drugs...it goes hand in hand with withdrawals and her other behavior.

She can't help herself right now....are you strong enough to help her?

STAR*FISH,
Yes, you are correct about the drugs. W has smoked pot for years. When I was going thru bank records, I saw all the withdrawls for this. W told me she sells enough to smoke for free. I nievely believed her. Told W yesterday that if she is dealing pot, your business isn't doing very well! No deposits, only withdrawls. W took out $200 the other day (the final straw for me). I asked where that $ is, she said "I used half to buy a little stuff". It was the only time when I confronted her where I almost lost it. I said "$100 for a little stuff? Shiet!" Only the best "stuff" for her. I told W she needs help.
W told me she has no one to talk about this. Suggested she call her best friend and confess. If she makes another excuse today (she will), I will call her myself. I'm also thinking of calling her other friend (best friends of ours, they know something is going on). W will freak out. Outside of them, all her friends are the scuzzy co-workers. When she does get to her friends place, I am going to ask her H for the phone# of the OM. If he doesn't do it, what other means can I go thru to get his #? Help! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

What's this guy's name? Even if all you know his his position in the company....you can call and get a first and last name for this guy if you just say you want to contact him for business. Then call information. Don't call him, he's just as fogged and irresponsible....call his wife. Do a little sleuthing. Yes...your wife may go ballistic...but that may be what saves her sadly. She is in trouble chere....big trouble. Are her mama and daddy in good enough health to intervene? Does she have siblings?

Hey Star*fish,

Thank you for taking time for my sad situation.... There are many bosses at W's company. Pinpointing it could be hard thru a receptionist only. My W's best friends H could at least give me OM's name. I definately wouldn't call OM right now.

W has a sister 4 hours away. Also her dad is deceased (W keeps bringing up "I don't want to be a d*ck like my Dad- He left the family"). W's Mom is in very bad shape, and probably wouldn't be a lot of help. W's brother lives in town. He may help, but W's R with him is very bad (guess why? pot smoking).

I'm ready to call W's best friend. She recently had a baby, and I practically had to force W to go see her. after, W said "thank you, I wouldn't have done that myself." No wonder she won't call her now! Gosh I'm slow sometimes.

I felt very empowered last night when all this went down. Now the roller coaster is taking me down. You guys all said it would get worse B4 it got better. No kidding. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Last night, WW came home from work, and told me "oh, I know we're going to get bombarded w/?'s from....." then she trailed off, again. I asked from who, once again W wouldn't answer. Asked if we were going to see our best friends this wknd? She started to get up when I asked, and acted busy. W said she was going to lay down with D and probably be tired, go to sleep. I said it's only 8:30? She is trying to avoid me, as usual. W's estraged best friend is calling tonight. I set it up.
I really don't care now who finds out. W thinks I would still be mortified for people to find out. After learning about exposure thru MB'ers, I don't mind for people to find out, to say the least.
Not only do I have the A; the W still in work w/OM; the addictions that surfaced again, I should worry if someone finds out? Ha!

Now you're talking! Do not give this affair the secrecy it needs to fester. If you do....you ENABLE the affair. You become a third party to their betrayal by protecting them. This is not your shame. Your wife will go ballistic, but she needs to. Still....that's what it's going to take to help her and you need to be strong. Find that guys wife...that's the really important one because it will put pressure on both sides of the affair.

Your words are really helping me. My W's friend came over last night, and was outside, I believe, so no contact with friend. I came home, at 9:30 from a band rehearsal (no drugs fyi), and W was in bed already. I will get ahold of her best friend today to get these two hooked up. W went for drinks with this friend who came over(after her work). Didn't want to kiss me when I left, doesn't want me to know she was drinking. I still believe she is in major fog. When I got home last night, I was so close to LB'ing all over her. I always wore my heart on my sleave with her, but our past non-communication behavior is in full force. How do I not LB'st without confronting her about the fact she needs help. Am I going to far if I bring this up again. I did the other day when she was confronted about spending all of our $, but she says nothing!!!!!! I can't take it!!!!!! Says she coming back to work on marriage, I give her her space, and be loving (maybe I should have gotten us both into MC right then). She goes bezerk, and now just acts like she doesn't need to say a thing. I've tried to look at myself, not her, to see what I need to do. I'm running out of solutions for myself. Can't this be about HER sometimes? Any advice or words appreciated. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

There are a few conflicts I'm having after reading multiple posts on MB's. How can I reveal to friends about the affair? Our best friends know somethings up. The H told his W that he thinks WW has OM at work. W asked me "did you say anything?" I didn't, but I think I might. I'm so sick of no reaction to anything from WW!! I know I'm repeating myself from my last post. Oh well. WW just blew all of our $. I tell WW that her self-destructive behavior is ruining us finacially. LBster? Do I continue Plan A'ing now. Before it was the A, now this crap. She is an addictive person. I'm sure this goes into the A too!? I think it was AUSSIE who told me it's hard to fight when you don't know what your fighting for. Am I supposed to just PLAN A again, no R talk, etc. By my passivity, I'm now in finacial ruin. Maybe my Plan A should include more bounderies. Thing is, WW doesn't have to agree. Like NC, change job. WW says "NO", and what do I do. I'm resolving to be calm, and confident again, like I was to her for quite awhile there. As soon as WW meets with her friend, I will expose A to OM'W. I'll do it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Well, Friday W was to be home at 4:30 from work. Called about 5:00 to say she was at the bar w/co-workers for a baby shower. Said she would be home soon. Got back about 6:30. D5 was crying,"where's M?". I try to not involve D at all in this, so I told her to ask her where she was. W started crying, saying "I guess it's just not enough just to show up anymore". I said no, not really. W started actually talking to me for the first time in what seems like forever. W said she was half-dead when she is here. Feels so alive when she is "over there". I told her if she had stayed to work on the M, we really haven't done much. I told her if she was here, and just expected to feel it again, that probably wouldn't work. Lot's of tears, from both of us. We talked more that night, she actually told me a little about the OM. Likes playing sports, she wants to play sports again, like she used to a long time ago. Just a regular guy, not different like me. She liked that about me, she says. But sounds like she wants a regular guy. Ouch. Also mentioned the reason she never wanted a house with me, was because she new deep down she wasn't loving me "fully", so why commit. Made me feel our M was false for the whole time!? Couldn't sleep that night, got up early and cried a whole bunch. W got up and saw me. More tears. Saying she wants us to be friends, talking like it's completely over. I had plans with my old best friend who was in town. W told me b4 I left "I know you want me to try harder, but I can't. Maybe we can be friends right now?". I said that sounds good.....
Where am I ? Did I press things too quickly? Plan A sounds like it doesn't include pursuing. I may be guilty of this. I think I will just be myself, new-confidence, not worry like I have been doing. Help myself and D. W will be away again, I'm sure. Just act like no big deal? Yah, I suppose. Please let me know some advice here. I sure could use some... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

what,

My advice has not changed....you must do ALL of plan together...that includes exposure. It begins with this man's wife. You can't work on your marriage until the affair ends. The affair won't end without exposure. I don't want to sound like a broken record...but again....your wife cannot help herself...she is in a very destructive life pattern that will destroy your family financially and emotionally. Please stop enabling her to do that or expecting her to make this better. She has to come face to face with her choices right now...and she won't without intervention.

Do you mean an intervention? The whole plan? I'm planning on exposing the A to OM's W soon. What else are you saying? Help.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

What

Ok expose to OM’s wife ‘soon’…………….first of all you have be saying that for a while. Yep you are avoiding. Don’t worry for some reason I have noticed most guys here are the same to start off, I’m not sure why that is so, most of the wives in our position are less so. Don’t ask me why. STOP IT NOW

Anyway, as I said stop talking about and DO IT!!! Ok?

Now it might mean you have to do a few things extra as well. Now, that will also mean exposure to her employer, the CEO or owner. A quick talk to a lawyer on what are your chances of an action for suing the company for alienation of affection might help get OM’s boss to act as well. I don’t mean you need go ahead with that legal action but perhaps use a no result no fee lawyer to find out if its possible to let the Company know you are thinking of it. One thing boss’s don’t like is bad publicity, it hurts the bottom line.

Not only that but many companies these days have ‘moral’ clauses in their employment contracts these days as well, especially between supervisors and their staff.

The rest at this time is the ‘lighthouse’ thing. PLAN A your butt off my friend. BE strong, caring, concerned, GET the both of you out of the financial problems. Show her that YOU are the man she should be with. It WILL be very hard.
EXPECT lots of I don’t love you any more, or I never loved you like I should, that is typical FOG talk which means her affair is running hot and strong right now.

OK next thing is to try & get you both into a good MC. She needs to commit to attend for it to have any effect. Gently & respectively ask her to commit to this.

Also there are some significant issues with addiction to pot. There are also long term use issues like schizophrenia. Your wife needs to stop using IMHO .
However that’s a long term thing at this time as I don’t think you have a snowballs chance in hell of working on that now OTHER than you both cannot afford it right now.

I can also see you are getting concerned about how this is affecting your d. It is obviously causing issues of stability and feelings of safety for your D. At this time your wife is thinking of self, self, self .
You don’t matter, your D does not matter, judge by actions not words.

If things get worse in this area you will need to decide where you go from here. But lets not worry about that until/if it happens as exposure may rock them right off their fantasy island into the sea of reality. Lets hope.

Ok. I did contact OM's W last night. Was hoping she didn't know, and then everything blows up. Not the case. She did know, and had been trying to contact me. We talked for quite awhile, finding out about the lies, deceptions, etc. Both of us want our M's to work. Now what? Please advise, as I don't know how this will change WW's very deep fog, which I'm ready to cut thru. How? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />