KiwiJ.....I am really sorry about that ugly remark I did to you, I am glad you are back here talking to me.
It is true, I am sure we have some things in common, but not everything is the same. But I am sure one thing that all WW have, if they have a concience, is that guilt, even in the midst of the affair. YOU Have guilt, you have remorse, but yet we cannot stop it, because we are just too in already. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I have always known my husband is the best man, but I was having some expectations that he was not meeting. For many years, I have been telling him that I needed some more attention,more romance from him, little details,etc. But he took my wishes from granted, and always told me, over and over that he was completely happy and content with me and the marriage. After a while I got tired of nagging about the same thing. Then comes this old classmate into m y life and starts telling me things that I wanted to hear for a long time, and slowly but surely I fell for him.
He was very charming and good with words, and he always said, the right thing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
How are things between you and your husband? Are you completely happy with your decision on working on your marriage? Do you still feel very guilty , do you still think about the OM? While you were having the affair, how was your relationship with your children? While I was having the affair, I found myself being more short tempered with my kids. Did not enjoyed them as much as I usually did and do now.
Again thank you for your very nice words, for your encouragement. YOu are a good person and I am sure your marriage will continue to improve.
Myrta

Myrta, seriously - no hard feelings. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My post must have looked like a total attack.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But he took my wishes from granted, and always told me, over and over that he was completely happy and content with me and the marriage. After a while I got tired of nagging about the same thing. Then comes this old classmate into m y life and starts telling me things that I wanted to hear for a long time, and slowly but surely I fell for him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yup, ditto, ditto and ditto. And that's pretty much how all A's start. H and I would have carried on with him thinking everything was just fine and me getting unhappier and unhappier because we never dealt with any of it. When a major crisis (the deaths of our parents) happened the wheels fell off our marriage. Our MC said this is extremely common and she sees couples in their 60s and 70s that this happens to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He was very charming and good with words, and he always said, the right thing! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Charming? These OM's are unbelievably charming. It's as though they have some sort of workbork they use.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How are things between you and your husband? Are you completely happy with your decision on working on your marriage? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Things are very, very good between us. I know I still sounded a bit foggy in that post but really I've always known my H is the only man who really understands me and really loves me and vice versa.

Sometimes the guilt is overwhelming, most times I can live with it. Yes, I still do think about the OM but in a detatched sort of way. Sometimes not so detatched but I fight that, I don't wallow in it. Sometimes I wonder what happened after my H told his w but really I just hope he's getting on with his life and marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> While you were having the affair, how was your relationship with your children? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pretty terrible. Our kids are adults (son 26 and daughter 24) and I was drinking a lot during the A. They thought I was acting "weird" and said as much to my H. He told them I was stressed at work, which is what he thought was the problem.

We told the kids about the A a couple of days after d-day. My son said "work it out" my daughter wouldn't speak to me for about 3 days. (She was living away from home with the b/f she's just broken up with). They have both been wonderful, totally non judgemental and have told me I'm their mother and they love me no matter what but are both EXTREMELY pleased we have stayed together and are working it out. In fact, daughter is pleased I have some "life experience" to help her through her current drama.

I know your marriage will make it. I can always "sense" a certain recovering attitude in a FWW and I only post to those ones. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I just find it too depressing to post to women I know are just going to go and do it all, all over again.

Jen

Kiwi-- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> again thank you for being so kind and encouraging. It is amazing how similar these men are. I think they are more predictable than the WW.
So you have a feeling that my husband and I will be fine at the end of the tunnel!! Most of the time, I feel that way, but sometimes I read Just Learning (like his last post) and I doubt it. He is so harsh and he sees everything so bleak, almost with no hope. He predicts so much work , that it is kind of scary.
Our children are adults too, but we still have one 12 year old daughter. One is away at college and another one lives in an apt close by. The two oldest ones are married , one in Ca and another one like 45 minutes away from us. The one in college and the one that lives near by, sense that there is something amiss between my husband and I. Because my husband acts sooooo clingy to me in front of them. The one that lives in the nearby apt. will freak out, iff she ever found out, she is very righteous and will never forgive this kind of activity in her parents. You have very understanding kids, with a more open m ind <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . You are lucky, your relationship with them did not suffer.
I am so glad your marriage is doing well. That gives me lots of hope, since your story and mine are so similar.
Thanks!
Myrta

Myrta -

Good morning. I'm glad to see that you are more encouraged today. I know exactly what you mean about telling a husband what you would like and them ignoring it. It seems like with men, they do not listen unless their wife flips out.

I have a friend that lives about a block away, and wanted my husband to walk over one evening and look at how she decorated her house. She is an artist and her place is beautiful, but done inexpensively.

I mentioned to husband that I would like him to see it many, many times. Well, it was just not on his list of important things to do, so he never went with me. It made me feel like he was not that interested in my feelings. I know it is a little thing, but made me feel discounted.

So I can see where a woman would be ensnared by someone who came along and was very interested in their wants and feelings.

Now, on to JL. He is very well respected here, and tends to give great input. Right now, you may not feel that he knows your situation. And that is fine. The point of this board is to read and post and get lots of opinions. Then you and your husband will be able to use what works for you.

I have always known my husband is the best man, but I was having some expectations that he was not meeting. For many years, I have been telling him that I needed some more attention, more romance from him, little details, etc. But he took my wishes from granted, and always told me, over and over that he was completely happy and content with the marriage and me. After a while I got tired of nagging about the same thing. Then comes this old classmate into m y life and starts telling me things that I wanted to hear for a long time, and slowly but surely I fell for him.

OK, it is quite possible for the H to fall into a boring routine. However, one must also understand that when an old 30—year-old car does something romantic for the W it does not have the same effect as a brand new sports car saying something nice to the potential WW.

There is something thrilling about hearing words like that from a new person rather than the same old H.

In addition Myrta told the OM something that became the theme of the relationship. Myrta said she was the lesser component of the marriage. She told the OM felt she felt less important than me in the relationship. From this point on every single email and conversation from the OM contained words to elevate Myrta’s self-esteem. There is a set of words that the OM used in almost every email I intercepted. These words are very repetitive but quite effective in stroking Myrta’s ego. These words were quite well put together and drive home the point of how clever these OMs can be. The OM knew exactly what to say at all times.



He was very charming and good with words, and he always said, the right thing!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Charming? These OM's are unbelievably charming. It's as though they have some sort of workbork they use.


BTW, I have been in a position to be an OM a few times in my lifetime. Several years ago I was chatting at work with a woman my wife knows (name starts with M ends with Y). Anyway out of the blue M-----Y says to me: “Gee------ it is so easy to talk to you. I wish my husband was like that!”. A clear opening for me to try to have an affair. Obviously WWs also say the right things to get the OM going,

In another instance MANY years ago there was another woman that told me how her H was wheelchair bound and impotent and how she was going to be alone at home for a month because her husband was going away. I could sense an affair, but I never got into it.

I know the OM angle; all it takes is a little bit of attention to a woman who is receptive. However, that is not my game! Is not because I am more moral or religious than other folks. I simply don’t need the aggravation. I am not in need of that extracurricular activity. It may very well be that Myrta gives me everything I need.

I don’t intend to say that I am better than Kiwij or Myrta. I would also love to go to bed with a new body. However, I am not willing to do the work required. I am not going to act in a deceitful way because I don’t want to hurt a potential BH. In every instance I avoided having an affair I did so because I did not want to hurt the potential BH. Amazingly so I did not think about Myrta. I thought about not inflicting pain on the potential BH. Sounds strange, but that is the way it was. I simply put myself in the shoes of the potential BH. I guess that was easier than putting myself in the shoes of my wife.

<small>[ September 20, 2004, 08:49 AM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

Myrta and Stanly, HI to you both. Welcome to MB.

I am cheating, I have only read bits and pieces from your thread, but I'm still going to chime in. Forgive me if I have not done you justice. If I'm completely out of line, and have this wrong, I apologize in advance, I am just going to say a few things that I think I have gotten from your post

oh, I am a FWW well into a successful recovery.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> However, I just found out OM has been calling my home every few days to chat with my WW for at least six weeks. W claims this does not affect her withdrawal and that she has no plans to restart EA and PA.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, this is still a EA, if contact is being made, she is still having an EA. DISASTER!!!!!!!!!!!!

No contact means just that, NC!!!!!!!!!!!!! Feelings will not go away, if contact is being made. This also sets up opportunity for a meeting, and PA. NO GOOD can come of these random phone calls.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He did not noticed that I was an adult, a woman that needed and wanted other things in the relationship

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AHA, trying to seek some independence. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I have a very controlling H, I have (had) no opinion, I was unworthy to make any decisions in our life, this of course is how I felt, not necessarily how he felt, in his defense. So I started making some decisions for myself, I completely rebelled like a teenager. No wonder I never got to make decisions, I suck at it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus, IN THE BEDROOM. Highly recommend this book for the two of you, to read together. Poor as much information into your brains as you possible can, especially if you are not in MC.

Stanly if she doesn't want sex, than respect that, stop looking for reasons why, why do you need a full report of why not. Maybe she is tired, maybe she does have a headache. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Myrta, you need to fully communicate why you are having issues. You might be tired, but it seems you guys had a very active sex life before, why now all of the sudden has it stopped. Some EN still not being met. Then express it. Do you feel guilt having sex with H because you are OM's? Lots of WW feel this way. Do you feel guilt because you was with another? Express it, but you can't just keep denying him, you need to work through it to make it better, it can't just become a way of life for you now, not when before you was doing it like rabbits before. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Myrta quickly responded by saying she would never forget the OM because he was A VERY IMPORTANT MAN IN HER LIFE!

"BTW, Myrta says that the sex with the OM was great!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A couple of quotes from some different pages. I'm guessing in a few months, those words will disgust you. I believe this is fog talk. Hurtful fog talk too. Yes, radical honest should be happening within your M, but not as much of the hurtful honesty that seems to be taking place. This is not going to get you guys anywhere.

It seems you are still seeing OM as a good guy. He is not, he took from you and your H. He manipulated you, he used you, this is not a good man, not a many worthy of your adoration, especially because it would be hurtful to your H.


from Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Myrta, your last post to JL made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up because I could have posted those very same, exact words just after d-day. In fact those are the very, very words I used to my H. The sleepless nights from guilt, the feeling it had gone too far to ever recover my marriage from, the fact I wasn't a horrible person, the feeling that I could only sleep with another man if I was in love so therefore it must be love.

You say we're all different, heck, we're so much the same its scary.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myrta, this is why we would say your are still in the fog, or going through withdrawals, not because we don't think you are not strong, or smart enough, or you don't love your H enough not to be, but because of your words. We have been there, Jen and myself, and JL have seen many WW, turn into FWW here. Once you get through the fog and withdrawal, this kind of dialogue changes. We are just telling you what we see, through our experience, it is not an attack on you in any way.

You both need to stand up and say, I did wrong. You need to be saying I had an A. Nothing about it was good, nothing about it was right. I did you wrong H, please forgive me. (you also have to mean this) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

H, needs to say I was not as good as H as I could have been, I am sorry for my part in our M, that might have led you to having an A.

Then you both need to decide to change your ways. Be a better you, for your S. Change needs to take place, accountability for the actions needs to happen, no more finger pointing, forgiveness is a beautiful gift you can give each other. You need totally forgiveness in order to recover.

I keep hearing I tell him I love him, I show him I love him, then forgive him, for his past doings, allow him to forgive you, stop competing with each other, you are a team, allow yourself to be one.

Hold yourself accountable, really accountable for what you have done, and then live your life in a way that it will never happen again.

You both seem to really want your M. Forgiveness is key to recovery. Complete regret is key to recover. Which means, not seeing OM as somebody you loved and lost, but as the mistake and snake that he was!!!

I wish the best for you both.

KY

Kyelow4:

Thanks for posting and providing your valuable input.

I read many of the emails by the OM during the affair and the ones he sent after D-day. I also heard him over voicemail when he left a message pleading with my wife to take him back. To my ears the OM is a classic smooth talker manipulator with no scruples. My wife didn’t see it that way, but to me it WAS VERY OBVIOUS.

Immediately after D-day I said a lot of vicious remarks about the OM. I mostly insulted the physical appearance of the OM as he clearly did not have Hollywood looks whereas my wife is a beautiful woman. I guess at some point my wife took my remarks to degrade the OM personally. In addition, I also said many nasty remarks directed at my wife and at one point she simply started to defend herself and the OM. I guess I went overboard with my anger.

I know my wife feels regret about what she has done, but it was still hard for her to accept that her OM had shortcomings. After all this was the guy that had spent two years stroking her ego. I don’t think it is easy to change one’s view of a person in a short few weeks.

In any event I always felt the OM was a rat, but my wife was in the throes of the fog and all she saw was good. It took a good three and a half months before my wife admitted the OM was imperfect. I could make a long list of things the OM has done that are nasty, but I don’t want to take too much space in the server of this web site.

As for the EA: I agree, there must have been some of that. The OM called and all he did was express his love for my wife and quote old emails from my wife. For instance my wife used to sign her name using the OM’s last surname instead of my surname. All this stuff made the OM believe that my wife was going to leave the marriage for him. If this was discussed over the phone then there was an EA. In addition the OM would ask my wife if she still loved him. My wife handled the question by not saying yes or no. She would simply say: “I am working on my marriage”. The truth of the matter she could simply say I never loved you, what I had with you was a huge mistake and my husband is the man I always loved. This would have discouraged the OM. However, my wife admitted she was still in withdrawal and wanted to hear from the OM. Therefore, she did not say those words.

At this point I don’t think my wife wanted to re-start a full-blown affair, but she felt it was best to keep this a secret. She knew I would get in touch with the OM and she has always been terrified of me having a conversation with the OM.

As for lovemaking:

After D-day we did it daily for about three weeks------ We both became hypersexual. Now she has settled into our old routine, but I still want more. I can generally handle not having sex, but sometimes Myrta chooses the wrong days to have sex and goes to sleep on the best days to have sex. I am always confused with her routine. BTW, this routine is nothing new!

Stanley, I will say that from the shoes your W is wearing this is the easiest of the two pairs. Meaning, I also wore those same shoes,I was done with the A, but OM, was sure I was his soul mate, and I would be his W.

He just called not even a week ago, after months of NC, and asked, Are you in love with him? My H, I said, yes, I don't think I had ever told him I wasn't in love with him, but he constantly asked.

They meaning your W's, and my OM, are thinking completely irrationally. I always thought it was a fling, such as your W, but OM, had other ideas.

For me to give him up it was much easier than other WW because he still wanted me, he still would call occasionally so I knew he cared and adored me. So I do think she is capable of getting over him quicker than the others who have been dumped, so to speak.

I do also think, eventually she will see OM in the same way that you do. Right after DDAY, my H told me I just wished you hated him like I do.

I said to him, honey I will never hate him, he is a good man.

Some months later, Yeah, NOOOO, I no longer feel this way. I am indifferent, I do not have a hating bone in my body, but I do no longer see OM as a good man.

He was my H best friend, he took full advantage of him, lied and betrayed him to such an awful degree, I can no longer see him as a good man.

OM also only has hate for my H, he has no remorse, like my H has something that belongs to him. YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is still so fog bound.

All that just to say she will see him as a snake, and it will be quicker and easier for her, because she left the A, not he that broke it off.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but sometimes Myrta chooses the wrong days to have sex and goes to sleep on the best days to have sex.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wrong days for who, and best days for who??? I don't get this, and I'm really wanting to jump down your throat for it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

KY

Kyellow4-----I would recommend that you do read the whole thread, since you dont make too much sense!!!!
You start, by saying "I am cheating" but then you then you say that it is all in the past. Are you cheating or not at the present time??
As far as NO CONTACT=DANGER!!! Contact is finished, and even while having it, there was no DANGER!!! I think your shoes and my shoes are different sizes!!!
When I told Kiwi about the OM I was using the past tense, not the present tense. Thats how I felt then, not how I feel now. Now I dont see him as a charming, smooth talking man. I see him differently. He used me, but I think I used him too, since he gave me what I thought my husband could not give me, or was not interested in giving me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
My husband paints the OM as this horrible looking, and manipulative person. He is neither of those things. I think we in some extent like to manipulate people, my husband does it with me too. Does that make him a horrible person too? Or because he is my husband is allright for him to do. He tries to change my way of thinking, to his way. Of course, he has not suceeded because I have a very strong mind.
I know that the OM did horrible things to my marriage, by stroking my ego, did not see it at the time, but I do see it now. But of course, you all think that I am in this deep fog, and I dont see whats in front of me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Like I say at the beginning of this post, go back and read this whole thread !!!
Myrta

Myrta, I was asked to come to your thread, somebody thought I would have some insight. I didn't have the time to read everything, nor do I now.

So I will leave your thread, with an apology for not being able to give it all the time it is needed.

Good luck with your recovery.

quote:
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but sometimes Myrta chooses the wrong days to have sex and goes to sleep on the best days to have sex.
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Wrong days for who, and best days for who??? I don't get this, and I'm really wanting to jump down your throat for it.

This is something that goes way back. Perhaps I never expressed this before. I mostly prefer to have sex on the weekends. You know the deal----- go out to dinner, have a beautiful evening somewhere to stimulate the senses and then come home and top it off with a nice session in bed without having to worry about the clock (since the next day is Saturday). That is how I like it! Sex on the week-end is great and one does not have to worry about being to tired next day because one can linger in bed and even shoot for another session in the AM.

Sex in the week is also OK, but I always worry about starting too late and then find out is 2:00 AM and that I have to go to work bright and early next day. So my dream routine is to go all out on the weekend and perhaps be more conservative on the week. With Myrta everything is unpredictable. We may have a beautiful date out on a Saturday evening and she may come home and fall asleep instantly. However, she may be highly motivated very late on a Monday evening. Don’t get me wrong this is not a negative critique------ I love to be surprised. However, whenever I get cranky about my current sperm competition syndrome is almost always on the weekend.

Regarding my wife’s OM. I think in the end he fell in love big time whereas my wife was less involved. I think what got my wife hooked was the sex with a stranger and the constant adulation. Remember this was a long distant relationship and the only times they physically saw each other was mostly in a dark hotel room to have sex. In a sense this type of relationship is a set up for explosive sex since there is a built-in gap where there is no physical touch and there is the consequent build-up to the moment of the encounter. This type of relationship is also blessed with the absence of all the mundane things that make relationships less attractive. All the things that stress a normal relationship are avoided! In a sense this is truly a Disneyland relationship where reality goes out the window. I once wrote the OM an email and point blank asked him if it made sense for him to be madly in love with a woman who slept naked or semi-naked with another man 7 days a week for 365 days of the year. I said------ why would you want to be in love with a woman who is in someone else’s bed all the time. Of course, there is no logical answer, other than to block this scenario from the mind.

Kyellow4:

Myrta, my wife is feisty and she always puts on a fight. She is the one in our marriage that is a go-getter when something needs to be done. She does not like to take any criticism from anyone including myself or JL. However, she is a warm and caring person when the shield is down. In fact my constant criticism of the OM drove her to fight back and praise the OM. I know she has a heart of gold and I hope you keep posting to her.

<small>[ September 20, 2004, 11:02 AM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

Myrta,

Permit to explain something. My last post was NOT negative, it was to show you that what you "think" your H should or does feel is NOT the case. You cannot dictate who he feels or will react to things. What you can do is listen to him and address the "feelings" he has. His feelings about this event are his, and they color his decisions, his behavior, his expectations, and yes his love.

I realize you don't feel you need to see things from his side. I also realize you are not in a receptive mood, rather you are in a defensive mood. Myrta please listen to me. Your recovery will be much more effective, if your H comes out of it with little resentment. The resentment is NOT driven as much by the A as you think, but by the lies, and the not listening to him that follows the A.

Read my last post again, and notice how you two are seeing things very differently. By the way, I am NOT accusing you of lying in those statements, I am saying and showing you, that you and your H are NOT seeing things the same way. This is where the work needs to be done.

You don't have to agree to everything, but if you think he is confident in your love, and you make your decisions based on that, when in fact he is not, you could do damage to your marriage.

The sad thing is you lived your love for OM and think you are over it, but your H witnessed your love for OM and he is not sure you are over it. You would do well to listen to your H's fears. He would do well to listen to your fears and complaints.

It is very common for someone in withdrawal to think and act as you do. It is most often seen in the disconnect between the two spouses. Hence my post to you.

As I said (please read the previous post to the end), I do think your marriage will make it. What I would like to see is that you become more sensitive to what your H is thinking. It will not work well if you keep telling him he is in love with you like before and he keeps saying he has doubts and fears. Don't tell him how he feels listen to it, and the TWO of you sit down and discuss what can be done to address it. The POJA is very very affective in helping with this.

I apologize if my post sounded harsh, but I will admit you pushed my buttons when you stated you did NOT understand how Jenny could be offended or she was less understanding if she could not take it. It did annoy me greatly as you could probably tell.

To date, everyone that has posted to you and your H have tried to help you, either by telling you their story and what they experienced or by pointing things out to you for your consideration. Yet, you act as if they are all attacking you, they are not, and frankly I am not. Believe me if I wanted to attack you and get viscious it would not be pretty. But, that is NOT the purpose here.

The purpose is to help you two, but relying to you things to worry about, point behavior/words that may not be helpful in your recovery, and to warn you about future pitfalls. Please accept the posts here in the spirit they are offered.

God Bless,

JL

JL:

As you can see I am more talkative than Myrta.


What you can do is listen to him and address the "feelings" he has. His feelings about this event are his, and they color his decisions, his behavior, his expectations, and yes his love.

I think Myrta has a clear picture in her mind about everything whereas mine is fuzzy. Of course, I was not there with her and I cannot tell what is in her mind even thou I have a good idea. I feel Myrta will do the right thing, but I have learned that in these situations anything is possible.


I realize you don't feel you need to see things from his side. I also realize you are not in a receptive mood, rather you are in a defensive mood. Myrta please listen to me. Your recovery will be much more effective, if your H comes out of it with little resentment. The resentment is NOT driven as much by the A as you think, but by the lies, and the not listening to him that follows the A.

Myrta is like one of those orchids that bloom every once in a great while. At times she will talk profusely and then suddenly it is over and I must wait several days for another moment like that. If I pushed the subject she will say: “Is that all you talk about?”

The sad thing is you lived your love for OM and think you are over it, but your H witnessed your love for OM and he is not sure you are over it. You would do well to listen to your H's fears. He would do well to listen to your fears and complaints.

This is indeed my biggest fear and has been for a long time. In the foggy state my wife did some things that I simply cannot imagine or even understand right now. I have read about many bizarre incidents and behaviors in folks having an affair. In extreme instances it even leads to murder and so forth. For some time I was actually fearful that the OM could find a way to harm me since he is a cop. I know this may be paranoia, but certainly I would not be the 1st or last one. Then Myrta affirmed that the OM was not taking the end of the affair too well and she thought he could turn into a stalker.


It is very common for someone in withdrawal to think and act as you do. It is most often seen in the disconnect between the two spouses.

As I said, she has all the answers------ I don’t. I was not there.

What I would like to see is that you become more sensitive to what your H is thinking.

I think she tries very hard, but she also has to keep her guard up and that is not easy to do these two things at the same time. However, I feel in my gut that in the end my wife is doing the right thing and I am very happy with that. All I want is the spectrum of the OM out of my life. I know that a relapse is always possible and so dies my wife even if she denies it. She knows what I mean by relapse!

Stanley,

I have just completed reading EVERY WORD in this thread. As a result, I am going say what I suspect many here want to say, but don't, for fear of arousing the wrath of the MB Gods.

Rid yourself of this arrogant, selfish, controling, immature, IGNORANT woman as soon as you can. She will not change! She thinks SHE and only SHE knows what is best for you, your kids, the OM, et all. If she had even a clue as to what is best for ANYONE, she would have kept her pants on instead of building Frequent Flyer miles at the local No-Tell Motel. My God, man, you don't deserve to be treated this way....no one does.

Ilek=====I think YOU are the one that we should get rid off. Who the Heck do you think you are calling me all those words??? Why am I arrogant, inmature,controlling, selfish,etc,etc???? Have I done this all my life? Have I had numerous affairs? Probably like you,since people usually point in other people their own imperfections. No one here I am sure, want to say that, because MOST of the people here have experienced this.
You are 56 years old and being married for only 7 years..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> hmm , how many marriages before this one? Please, give me a break!! Keep your INMATURE comments, and oppinions to YOURSELF!!!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
MYRTA

P.S. ( I BET YOU ARE FRIENDS WITH KYELLOW4)

Illek:

How come you did not get rid of your wife after she jumped in the sack with another guy? Please answer the question!

Dude, I have known Myrta since she was 13 years old. She did not grow up in the best household. However, she has been an exemplary woman, mother and wife for 30 years of marriage.

She messed up badly recently--------- we all know that.

BTW, I always said----------- and Myrta knew this-------- that I would never tolerate adultery. In my book adultery was a cause for immediate divorce-- no ifs and buts. In fact I wanted a divorce during the 1st day after D-day.


However, I realized it was not a good move from my part to throw Myrta into the hands of the OM and to shame my children for the rest of their lives. I know for a fact Myrta would want to disappear from the face of the Earth if we had to separate.

I also realized that despite what she did I still loved her. If you knew what kind of wife she is you would do the same. There are very few women like her.

The thing is----------- she comes across as someone who tries to justify her actions. Trust me on this one. This is a defense mechanism and she has her shields all the way up. However, once the shields are down she will show you her true self and I can tell you she is out of this world.

Perhaps I am wrong, but you post like a troll. Sorry if I have the wrong impression.

JustLearning <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I want to apologize for being so negative with your previous posts! But I did feel like I was being attacked by you. The other people that post here, are not as blatant as you had been, but I should add that you seem like a teddy bear by ILEK!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
I do listen to my husband and he listens to me. We talk a lot about US, about the AFFAIR, but sometimes is just too much, too many details, too much embarrasment to continue and I clam up, and dont talk anymore. Not because I dont care about his feelings and his wants, but just because, my defenses go up and I just cannot handle it anymore. But little by little I had been telling him everyting HE wants to know.
Please, keep on posting in this thread even I dont like what you have to say. You had mentioned more than once, that my reactions are pretty normal, so YOU and I should not take everything so personal and to the heart!
Thank you.
God Bless!
Myrta

Myrta, Stanley, ignore the posters like that - they always pop up.

Myrta, I have to stick up for KYellow here. I actually asked her to come and talk to you. She has a very good sense of humour, a heart of gold and gives very good advice. When she said she was cheating she meant she hadn't read the whole thread. Her H and her both post on the GQII board. We e-mail each other off the board and she's picked me up and dusted me off lots of times.

At the moment I'm taking care of my daughter and it's taking all my emotional reserves. Watching her heart break is like having my own heart broken. And my H and I have enough recent scars on our hearts without having to go through this.

So, I need to have a couple of days rest from the board.

Believe me, you are doing very well and communicating very well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> P.S. ( I BET YOU ARE FRIENDS WITH KYELLOW4) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I come in my defense. I have no idea who this person is illek.

I am normally in GQ, I have never seen him there, I was asked by a friend to come and chat with you, so I ventured outside my box and did so.

It is not my style, to attack somebody, I am not the kind of person who would want to make anybody feel bad. I would never bash a person I know with words like that, nor somebody I don't know.

I felt I left this thread gracefully, with kindness and respect, and truly wishing you both well, so therefore I don't understand your comment at all.

Once again, I will leave your thread, wishing you a great recovery.

Kyellow4