Sorry it's long...
Ok, so my marriage has been pretty rocky for several years now and the last being the worst. A year ago I suspect my W of cheating on me and confronted her on it. Things were really bad, we went to counseling and they have plateaued off. Well, during that period last year, I installed some email spy software and have been monitoring her emails for the last year. I know, I know. About 6 months ago I was going to delete the software but saw an email that threw up red flags so I continued monitoring. Well, once again, just as I was starting to trust my W again and had planned on deleting the software, I start seeing emails between her and an old friend of hers.

Here is the deal, 4 years ago we moved 4 hours away. She has several friends from our previous area. My W's mother lives 1 hour from our old home and 3 from our current home. A month ago my W went to her mom's but told her mom one story and me another. She ended up sneaking off to visit her friends and I have just seen email where she is setting up another rendesvous for this Sat. Their correspondance has been talking about last months meeting and setting up plans for this Sat. I just discovered that they slept together and fooled around but apparently didn't have intercourse.
Just to lead into this - My W is always cold and wears socks when she sleeps. Here is their conversation...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W
I think the night I spent the night at your house was the first night I slept without socks in about 20 or so years. I am dead serious when I say that. Anyone can verify that, even my best friend. I always have socks on when I sleep. That was the best night sleep I've had in months too, surprisingly enough. So thank you. I wouldn't mind that again, but we can talk about that later if you would like. You may if you would like to [stat at her hotel]--I will explain on Saturday</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
His reply
yeah I new what you meant about being cold... I could never sleep with socks on. I would always be barefoot if my basement floor wasn't so cold. I am surprised you slept so well, you were not even using a pillow for the most part, and my bed is not the most comfortable in the world. I always sleep with a really cold room, hence the lack of sheet layers. I can sleep alot better when its cold. That night was very nice, I was
really wondering how you were feeling about it after the fact. I know that things were going to be tougher for you to deal with than me. ...
I was just about to mention about deleting and emptying the trash on your email. I know you are smart enough, I just wanted to say it anyway.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W's reply
guilty? yes, regret, absolutely not. Thought about in the past, yes. Afraid it may happen one day, yes. glad it was with you, yes. I know how
rejection is and I want to let you know it was not you. I was afraid that if I let it go any farther that I would enjoy it way too much and we
would get in way to deep. Am I curious? Hell yeah I am! We can just talk about it later. There is so much that I want to say but I really shouldn't. I would rather just talk to you in person. I am really not comfortable with
this whole email crap. That is why I suggested that maybe we should just "stay in" verses going out. I guess it really doesn't matter to me, I
am comfortable with you no matter where we are anyway. You are more than welcome to stay with me if you would like, it is an open invitation--who knows, maybe we could drown each other in the pool in the middle of the night! just kidding!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am thinking of surprising her at the hotel in the middle of the night. Should I do that? Should I just confront her with what I know in these emails? I don't want to be married anymore if she is going to cheat on me, which she already has.

Any opinions are welcome...

I'm going to get drunk now... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

MIF?

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 07:31 PM: Message edited by: marriage is forever? ]</small>

Don't surprise her in the hotel. I caught WH and OW in bed BOINKING. They still come up with an excuse.

Start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my sig line. Also you need to confront her NOW. But do it calmly. Do not shout, call her names, or make disrespectful judgements.

Then come back here and let us know how it is going.

Oh, and Welcome to MarriageBuilders.

Sorry to hear of your wife and the other man, I am on the other side. I am the wife with the man who went through mid life crisis. We are working on it, a whole mess I won't get into, I just wanted to say yes, I think you should confront her, before Sat. If you know it is to happen why let it. Give her the chance to choose what is important in her life. If she goes to him you tell her how you feel, I did not have the facts with my husband I figured it out after the fact, Which by the way he knows he messed up big time. I will not let him in yet it will take time, but a marrige councilor helps. Our insurance even pays for it. We are going on a new life, after 21 years of being married we are starting over again. So I say don't catch them in the act, stop the act before it starts to move to something other than a good feeling.

P.S. let your wife read this if you like, she may not know how wonderful her life is, my friend just got told she has breast cancer, and she is going through a whole lot of hell, I look at my life and say , I have my health, my kids, and a husband that is trying to be my everything again, That is not half as bad as she has to a full road to recovery if that is even in gods plan. Good luck and I hope this post helps.

SKPMAP

Well, maybe it's just my anger speaking but I have had it. I feel that the past 7 years we have only been together because of the kids. I consider her my expensive babysitter. She is a stay at home mom, and the house is alway a pig stye, the dishes need to be done, the laundry is always piled up, and she has dug us into major cc debt. I can't handle this anymore. I really think I want out. Here are two another options I was just considering. Let her do her thing this weekend, and wait to see what they write back and forth to each other. That probably is a stupid idea. Leave a copy of the emails on his and her car windows at the hotel letting them know I know. I am not thinking correctly. I guess, I am just afraid that spying on her email is an invasion of privacy that would get me in trouble in a hearing.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 07:51 PM: Message edited by: marriage is forever? ]</small>

Here is some more info...
I have been lucky to have sex with my wife once a month over the last 7 years. Myabe once every 3 weeks is more accurate, but either way that's not much. I have considered cheating on her but never have. I just resort to masturbating ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ) hey everyone does it right? Now I read this news and don't think it's worth it anymore. Here are my options...

1) Confront her prior to her leaving this Fri.

2) Wait and try and confront her at the hotel with the OM.

3) Cancle all cc's and contact an attorney. Leave a copy of the emails I have seen and leave a note on his and her windshield this Sat. along with her clothing, letting her know what I know and that I have filed for divorce.

4) wait till after this weekend and see what kind of correspondence takes place between the two of them.

I am opting for #2 or #3 right now.


MIF?

Here is a letter I have drafted to leave on the W's car window this Sat. I am not sure if my facts are correct as far as filing for divorce and the debt my W has gotten us into, but will change that after I speak with an attorney this Fri.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I hope you are happy with your new life. You knew that if you ever cheated on me I would leave you. I won’t put up with it like my brother did. He tried to make it work and Debbie just kept on cheating on him, so I don’t really see you doing any different. Hopefully OM's parents will allow you to move into his basement with him since I don’t want you back at the house. [He lives in his parents basement at 28 yrs. old]

I know I have made plenty of mistakes in our marriage, but one thing I have never done is cheat on you. Just to be honest with you, so that you are not surprised with anything, I have already contacted an attorney and have filed for divorce. After watching my brother go through what he has gone through I know I can’t do it. If you haven’t already noticed, I have cancelled all of your credit cards since my name is on them too. According to my attorney, any debt you rack up from here on out will be yours to be responsible for. I realize that I will be responsible for half of your cc debt that you got us into, but shame on me for putting up with that. I figure we can sell the 10 acres of lande we bought to pay off the cc debt. That way we can have a clean slate as far as everything else goes as long as we get enough to cover the cc debt with the land.

I do love you and I am sorry for the grief I have caused you over the years, but I guess at least now you can move on with your life, since I know you never considered me a good husband or father. One thing I can say is that I think you are a good mother, and I will never say a bad thing about you in front of the kids. I figure we can do this whole thing civilized or we can play hardball. It’s up to you. I won’t be a push-over like my brother. I won’t let you walk all over me. I will fight for what I feel I deserve.

I love you, but am deeply hurt by you actions…

Love,
Me

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess the way I see it I have 3 options...
1) Confront her prior to this weekend with the knowledge I have.
2) try and confront her at the hotel on Sat.
3) leave her clothes, along with a copy of the emails I have and the above note so she knows what's going on.

I don't think that the hotel will give me the room that my W is staying in, and even if they do I won't be able to get in without knocking and that would leave them time to get situated. Of course at 2AM there would be no excuse for him being there anyway...

What a ****ty thing to go through, but I know I am not alone here. There are many MB members who are going through / have gone throught what I am going throug now.

I just feel like a failure. Once thing I have always prided myself on is that I never quit anything, but yet here I am. Quiting my marriage.


** let me say that I am not sure if the whole debt thing is accurate as I have never gone through a divorce so I will change that once I talk to an attorney on Fri.

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 02:48 AM: Message edited by: marriage is forever? ]</small>

Dear MIF,

Calm down! I know that's hard. I dunno how fast my heart was beating when I found a video of my H and OW, but I'm sure it would have worried any doctor. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ok your W and her friend haven't had sex yet. My H obviously had. Our M wasn't any good either the last 2 years before D-Day. I'm now 10 months further down the line and our M is better than ever.

My point is: don't make any mess you'll have to clear up later. You'll have plenty to talk about and plenty to work on. But please - confront your W NOW. She'll probably deny everything so you'll have to show her the e-mails. Stop her before she goes even further, she'll thank you later if you both get your M working again.

Give your W and your M a fighting chance. My H thought he didn't love me anymore.. that I didn't love him anymore either.. until D-Day shocked him back into realising he didn't want to lose me. Maybe your W won't react too well.. maybe she'll resent you spying on her.. but you'll both need to work through this.

Ask yourself - if anything else had happened, say she has an accident and you fear for her life, would you then have realised "OMG I have been such a lousy H, I love her so much and now she might die.." ? And would you have promised God that you would be a better H if she lives?

This is your wake up call. Don't listen to the anger that is raging inside you now. We have all been there - wanting to lash out because we feel so hurt and betrayed. BUT IT CHANGES!!! Confront your W, start plan A. What have you got to lose?

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 03:23 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

I don't think I can work through this. With my brother's experience I am not sure I want to. His ex got pregnant twice by another man. The first she had an abortion and the second time she kept it. The whole family thought something was up since my brother had a vasectomy, but he wanted to try and make it work so he played on like it was his. It wasn't and two years later we found out the truth as they finally got divorced. Just from his experience, I know I can't put up with that crap. I really feel this M is over at this point. I am only sorry for our children. I love them to death and don;t knwo how I'll cope without them.

As for your statement about if something terrible would happen to my W how would I feel? Call me an [censored], but right now, I don't think I would feel a bit of sorrow for her. She is a cheating ***** as far as I'm concerned and she gets what she has coming. That may be harsh, but it is my honest feeling at this moment.

MIF?

It's up to you of course, MIF?.
Just don't make any decisions when you're angry.
If your W has cheated on you before there are some serious issues that should be dealt with if you'd consider working on the marriage.
Especially if there are children involved.

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 07:35 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

oops, double post

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 07:35 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

Well, I don't think she has actually had a PA in the past. I have suspected it, but think it was emotional only. I confronted her and think I got it to stop. Now, I see I am too late. It has already become physical and she plans this weekend to go the rest of the way (I am sure of it.) Why else would she sneak away, get a hotel room and invite him to spend the night with her?

7

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 01:13 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

MIF,

Let me ask a really dumb question.

If you're convinced you can't go on....why are you here?

I'm not being a smart aleck, it's a serious question because I think if you were ready to give up....you wouldn't be posting.

If you want some REALLY sound advice....I have the experience to give it to you....but you've got to stop telling us what you're "going" to do....and start listening to what you "need" to do. Your brother's marriage is NOT your marriage. The truth is that marriages survive infidelity EVERY DAY and some of them....recover and flourish.

Dr.H is an infidelity expert. He has a process for you to go through to restore trust and intimacy to your marriage....even after really bad things happen.

So as a first step....I'd like to offer my advice about this weekend.

Do not let your wife leave without knowing WHAT you know and HOW you know it. If you want honesty....first GIVE it. Right now, you're setting her up to fail. Give her the opportunity to choose the honorable thing by telling her what you know, and what she is risking by going to meet her lover. Tell her that if she leaves....to leave with her clothes. Tell her that if she stays...you know a really good coaching service that will help the two of you address why your marriage has been so vulnerable and what you need to do to fix it. See what she says. That will help you know what the next step is.

MIF? - okay, let's wait and see what she does next.

NO WAY! You do NOT allow her to go without FIRST having a loving confrontation. She will likely deny, but you be prepared with indisputable proof that AT LEAST an Emotional Affair is going on. Lying and deception are going on, etc.

You do NOT wait for someone you love to commit suicide BEFORE intervening.

Yes, you are hurt and angry. Understandable. We've all been there. It IS an irrational time in your mind. And don't take this wrong, but I don't care about your brother's marriage, I care about YOUR marriage. YOU are NOT your brother and you have the opportunity to stop things before they get much deeper.

If you have not done so yet you need to read Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and Surving An Affair by Willard Harley. Read them immediately.

Your idea of leaving a letter for your wife as the "way" to address the problem is the coward's way out. YOU need to address it, face to face, BEFORE it progresses any further. The planned trip gets cancelled and you both need to get into Joint Marital Counseling with a trained counselor.

Yes, yes, I know you are extremely angry and hurt. It comes with the territory. But let me ask you a question, do your marriage vows mean anything to YOU? Or is it not "until death do we part" but rather until a big problem arises and then we'll just "deep six" the marriage instead of doing the hard work needed to "right the ship?"

Do you Love your wife? For better and for worse? In mental sickness and in health?

Have you considered taking this problem to God and simply following His commands in humble obedience even if your feelings are hurting and "objecting?"

It IS hard dealing with infidelity. Start dealing with it TODAY, not after more pain and problems get heaped on.

God bless.

7

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 01:14 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

I have some thoughts...First, STOP being passive aggressive. Either confront her or don't. But this silly stalking and leaving notes is game-playing.

Decide what YOU want. Do you want a marriage to her? Do you want a divorce? Lets' assume she DOESN'T go see herfriend this weekend....where would that leave you? Would it make a difference in your thinking?

Thanks all for the replies. I think you are right if I want to save this marriage I need to say something to her tonight before she leaves for her mom's tomorrow. If I want a divorce then I should let her go and wait 'till after.

Here is the thing, we have been married for 10 years. For about 7 of those I have wondered if I made the biggest mistake of my life. This would be my way out if that's what I want, but I don't know what I want.

I feel like I have the little devil sitting on one shoulder telling me to let her go and then ultimately divorce her. On the other shoulder is the little angel telling me to say something now and try and save this marriage.

I do love her, if I didn't the choice would be easy and it wouldn't hurt so much. I also don't feel I can ever trust her again. I know that many here will say otherwise, but it just feels like trust has gone out the window. As I sit here with my 2 yr old daughter in my lap while I type I feel I need to try and save this marriage. The hardest thing will be not being able to see my children everyday.

c-dub, you are like a slap in the face. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> As far as your question about her not going, and where would that leave me. Well, that's what I am wrestling with. Do I want to salvage this if she already fooled around with another man, can I forive and learn to trust again?

Hope I didn't offend...I believe in clarity <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Best of luck toyou and let us know what you decide to do.

C

7

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 02:04 AM: Message edited by: *blondblossom* ]</small>

I have one quick question. After we have our talk tonight, and I lay it all out on the line. Namely telling her that I am using spy software to spy on her email. Would it be wrong of me to tell her that due to my lack of trust in her that I won't uninstall the software until a later date? Or should I uninstall it, and then then wonder if she is corresponding with him? I plan on telling her that she needs to send him a letter/email telling him that she wants to save her marriage (If that's what she wants) and therefore she wants to have no contact from him ever again. (No contact letter) If I uninstall the software then I will wonder if she is still emailing him. I do realize that if she still wanted to have contact with him she would resort to other means anyway, but at least I wouldn't have the stress over her emails.