Good For you AW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your kindness and sincerity is what a lot of us BS's are looking for! Usually it is us, the BS that has to "fix" things. But by you saying; "What can I do to make this right"? Is showing your H. that you are generally sorry and you are doing the right thing.

All I can say is just keep doing what you are doing. As frustrating as it might be on your end. But as a BS, I can definitely understand his pain. He might feel like a failure and he lost his "manhood". Trust has been knocked down and he has to realize that you are willing to regain it and take responsibilty. You are on the right track. You are the only WS that I can write to without feeling upset. I wish a lot of people were like you. Great job.

Can I ask since I am not getting the answer from my husband? It is just a general question. Why did you stray from your Marriage?

I grew up in a house hold where my parents did talk. Although a lot of it was shouting but they managed to resolve their conflicts. My Dad had a somewhat of a hard life, My grandfather dying when he was just 15 and my Grandmother working 3 jobs during the war. He has always been stern and cold but he did like to talk out problems. He never clamed up. I really admire that. I also had a lot of male friends when I was young before adolescence and teenage years. They would open up to me a talk. Even some of my boyfriends. But hey what is a relationship when you are 16? So I always thought it was a normal thing that guys would open up. Wrong! That should have been my first warning sign. But young and so in love I thought it would change 17 years later? I am still waiting!
But you have the right attitude and try not to get frustrated. He has to learn and take in that you are really sorry. Have the two of you gone on dates? What about doing something really different together? If you have the time amd $$ this time of year is great for a Bed and Breakfast. Start making him feel special again. It will take awhile before he becomes vulnerable to you. Just work extra hard.

This is one of the best posts I have read. In ways, I am envious. If my husband would show the same effort as you. I would be in recovery along time ago.

Ali~

Hi Smur and Ali88 - (wow this is long)

Well Aussie is now part of Army Commando Task Group, Operation Slipper, AGAIN. That’s all I know. We wives and significant others, love that term, have been asked to and I quote

‘………The safety and security of the people in the ADF are important concerns. To ensure that the effectiveness of their mission is not compromised, specific details of the overseas locations and missions of ADF personnel will not be detailed publicly or privately, except in general terms…….blah blah in particular, blah… blah ….can help preserve the security of Defence Force people and their families by not revealing their family names and addresses in public.’

Its so reassuring isn’t it. Sorry just feeling cynical about all this right now. I guess it’s a self defence mechanism.
So now we wait until he goes. My only warning will be a 48 hour leave & it may be less if something is going on or operations bog down. That’s just the reality of it.

Last night was emotional for me as we sat down and filled out the Defence Community Insurance forms, went through the Spouse Employment Assistance Program (seriously looking at changing jobs), superannuation benefits, Education Assistance Scheme, phone numbers for the Family Info Network, the Defence Housing loan etc, etc, etc…………….I just couldn’t look at him and felt like I wanted to crawl under a rock and hide.

Used to be I’d just get a flutter of fear in bottom of my stomach doing all this, now its guilt, regret and remorse as well, magnifies the fear too.
If I had one wish I wonder what I would do, wish to never have the affair or wish he didn’t have to ever go to war? Not really sure myself. Well if wishes were regrets I’d be a millionaire.

Smur I do think that your H actions are a good sign. I’d try to be what some of the BS have said here, a lighthouse, a welcoming supporting loving haven right now. I wouldn’t expect to much back right now either as I suspect he’s still going through all the hurt and pain of your ONS and HIS actions. I do believe that shouldn’t be underestimated. My gut feeling is that it has the potential to be more destructive to your M than your ONS.

I asked some BS about what they wanted their WS to show them or do for them over on GQ11 and it may help to read the responses. I think out of all of it the biggest thing the guys have is the ‘movie’ of us with our OM having sex. Then trust, then remorse from us. There are quite a few things I’m thinking on from their ans. Have a read & see if anything hits you as something we could use.
One thing I have been doing is just before we go to sleep, SF or not, is say to him I love him very much and will never hurt him again, or ILY and I am sorry to have hurt him.. Not sure if it helps myself but my IC/MC is pleased & says to keep it up but don’t over do it through the day.

My IC/MC, thank God is a women doctor, and has been extremely good on giving some advice on SF and emotions and it is so helpful. I do feel you may get some real help Smur by going to one even if alone at first. But she is tough she won’t let me get away with anything and has me confront every evasion I have tried. Its hard to be so honest with yourself. I guess I have a few SF hang-ups, damned Catholic upbringing I suppose.

Ali88, you asked the $60,000 question. I don’t mind ans why I did cheat as long as you understand that I am still a bit unsure of all the reasons.
The core reason was mix of alcohol and peer comfort at work. I made a bad decision in a child protection case and the child was hurt. Ok no one blamed me it was ‘policy’ but I felt like sh*t & I blamed me. So I drank at work sundowners and the OM & I let things get out of hand.
Was it the only reason? No. My H had just returned with a war injury, not too bad thank heavens, and was suffering PTSD, I felt I could not turn to him right then, WRONG, there was nothing wrong with his mind just the way he related to the world at that time. But I felt that or was it that I wanted to feel like that? I’m not sure now.
Ok you could say I had a ONS why didn’t I stop? Because I thought well it would not hurt our M, he won’t ever know, I’ll just get over this tough little patch with OM’s help and that will be that.
OM & I were not ’in love’ and I had to get drunk to have sex with him.(Pathetic or what)
We never had that fantasy as such about running off to fairyland and living happy ever after. But we did like each other a lot, had been friends for years and years and we had no intention of leaving our spouses or hurting them. If THAT isn’t fog land what is????

There was nothing wrong with either of our M until we caused it!! No LB’s no lack of passion no lack of anything, except for that short period of PTSD and that was not my H fault was it.
The OM’s wife was overtired with the 4 kids and worn out, but always there for him.
Can you believe we gave each other advice on how to help our spouse’s better?
You read so often here of how the WS is missing the OP and is in withdrawal. To be honest I think I was for a little while but more for the lost friendship then the sex or intimacy at all.
I think it was JL who said I was missing the OM more because I was not able to ‘end’ it myself when his wife found out. She and the OM just took off to another state and that was that. Lack of closure maybe?? This must have been h*ll for my H at this time. I figure I was a ‘A’ grade b1tch back then.

I just shake my head and feel so stupid for doing any of this. I cannot fully put in words the regret and remorse I have for causing my H, my kids and OM’s wife so much pain and hurt.
There are still times when I want to just go & hide from the world.

But I won’t give up on our M and I’ll fight for it as long as I live. All I can say is that I am so lucky to have such a good man as my H. It’s a shame I was not as good a wife. But I’m going to be if Aussie will allow me the chance. It is his decision not mine now.

Thanks for the kind words Ali and Smur your support is invaluable.

It's been a hell of a 37th birthday let me tell you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

AW,

Thank you for your post. I'e been wondering why you had your affair, and asked you before, but this is the first time you've explained to anyone that I know of.

While my BS experience is far behind me, I still don't understand why people have affairs then say they love their spouses.

Make sure you keep telling Aussi that you love him and you want him to return to you.

<small>[ November 05, 2004, 06:04 AM: Message edited by: RAG ]</small>

Hi Aussieswife, ALi and Rag,

Aussieswife, I feel for you, it must be a really difficult time, just waiting. You and Aussie are in my thoughts. You sound like you are really trying hard and I can imagine that mix of emotions being so difficult to cope with.

Also I can empathise about your A being not about Aussie but about wanting support, even though its very clear that it was the wrong way to go about it in every respect. Mine was similar in that I justified it to myself because my H was also in a difficult situation, there was too much giving on my side (my fault) and I felt (temporarily) more like his mother than his W, so I told myself this wouldn't affect him but I just needed the self-esteem boost to get through... How crazy that seems now!!

That idea about saying ILY every night is a good one - I will try that too. Its just hard to know what to do when you get no real response... But you're right, the lighthouse analogy is a good one and I'll try and keep it up.

Thanks for letting me know about that other thread - I searched for it but couldn't see it. What was the name of it?

Wishing you and Aussie all the best to get through this !!

Aussiewife. I am sorry but this is a really dumb question. I feel really silly for posting this. But do you live in Australia? The only reason why I am asking because I know someone who breeds Aussies. So you can assume that you live in Australia or have an Aussie dog or maybe breeds them or heck you are just from there. And since I am not familar with Operation Slipper, I thought that maybe you are living down under. Sorry for coming off as a bubble head <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />


And a Happy Birthday to you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

A Very Embarressed,

Ali~ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Ali & Smur

Yes we are in Australia land of the dream time, the crocodile man, kangaroos, meat pies, and Holden cars - bet that brings back memories Smur …LOL - and its great place both to live & visit. I have to admit though that I’d settle in Maine quite easily even with the snow.

Not silly asking at all as Aussies nick name came about when he was working with some Yank soldiers years ago. Bit of a joke that stuck . Now even long time friends call him Aussie!! I do try to not call him that in person though.

Operation Slipper is just the name for our involvement in the war on terrorism. We don’t name operations separately in this area but attach troops to US operations as I understand it. Smudges things nicely don’t you think? Oops cynical again.

Thanks for the birthday wishes though I wish it was a happier time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Smur the name of the thread is ‘WW's need some advice on recovering M ‘. Some of it seems good commonsense and I’d use it with some good MC advice I think.

Ok here we are Sunday evening, no Monday morning 1.55am and I have work tomorrow as going in to have an interview for a new job but still in the same government Department.
I still think it sucks that I am giving up a job I love , well sucks, sucks, sucks in fact, but I made the choice there were no demands. I’ll make what I can out of it and I’ll be happy with it. But I can’t really be anything but strangely happy tonight.

We had a informal meal and drinks and dancing in the mess, a ‘farewell’ I suppose you’d call it to the blokes who are going and we all had fun. Played music from the present to the 40’s and we danced just for fun, mostly us girls of course while the men drank beer. Lots of beer.
But we grabbed then for the old slow ones especially as it got late. Our last dance was to ‘we’ll meet again’ and they were louses for putting that on because I don’t think one women wasn’t crying by the end of it. We don’t want to cry in front of them.

So we walked back to our table and Aussie finished his beer as we just leaned into each other & I started to chat to the wife of one the battalion officers we had known for years when he just announced to all and sundry at the table “ Now if you ladies and gentlemen will excuse us my wife and I are going home to reenact the consummation of our wedding night” I just about fell over!! I couldn’t believe he said that in front of everyone and I went red as a beetroot.
And they all clapped and cheered at us as we left as well!! Ok Ok I didn’t resist but couldn’t he have been a bit more discreet?

I suppose I’ll see the funny side of it one day anyway dogs been feed, doors locked and we're going to bed . ..guess I can’t be mad at him for that after everything can I. Might even be healthy you think?

Sounds good to me. God bless you both.

AW,

thats hilarious!!! In front of everyone!
But I agree with believer, sounds like a good sign to me.

By the way, I forgot in my last message to say Happy Birthday - I hope you could enjoy it in some way, despite all the mixed emotions.

Thanks about the other thread, I'll look for it.... and yes, I don't want to get all morose here and any non-Aussies can just stop reading now, but there is a kookaburra in the Tokyo zoo, which is right next to our flat, and every morning I hear it and think, we're two of a kind, that kookaburra and me, far away from home. Well, its just another couple of months.

Hey AW,

Happy Birthday! I hope Aussie gets over there, takes care of business, and comes back real soon...

Hang in there and know that I'll be praying for you guys!

Semper Fi,
RIF90

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 12:41 AM: Message edited by: Rebuilding in Faith 90 ]</small>

Hi all

nothing much going on but all is ok here, No drama's, though supposed to get word on the deployment tomorrow. Aussie thinks it wll be one team only right now so I guess we will know then.

Hope all is ok with you all and that there is some good signs in everyones M today.

Still can't believe he did that Smur in front of everyone, though I guess it was funny. I 've been thinking since that maybe he really does love me at least a bit even after hurting him so much. I don't want to do anything to wreck that right now.
I just follow him around with my eyes like some love sick teenager with a stupid silly grin on my face.
I feel that if he gave me the slightest acknowledgement I'd just burst with so many feelings or rollover and fetch the ball or something. Just shaking my head thinking I'm so pathetic.. big sigh.. but I just feel that way...maybe I should take less St Johns Wort you think? AM I OD'ing on happy pills?
Just can't seem to get too upset about anything the last day or two, floating along just handling things as they come up.

Like DD comes in LATE says Ah Mum I sort of banged your car up? Oh hows that I reply? Well I parked too close to a truck and dented the rear panel on the passender side. Oh well as long as you are ok hon..... YOu aren't going to yell Mom? Nope, You are'nt going to ban me using it for a week? Nope. You're going weird Mom, you know that??..
Must just be my age love, I suppose I'm near retirement <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ... Being over 30 I guess I am so ANCIENT to a 18 yr old <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

And of course I know why she was so late because I was 18 with Aussie and I know what a uniform and a war can do to the hormones especially when you are falling in love with someone!
Well Mum had better check shes not being too foolish but I know shes going to use the same arguement I did with my Mum.

AW,
so glad to hear that you are in a good place despite all of the confusion and mixed emotions. Your D must be pretty relieved that she dinged the car that week!

Well, H and I seem to have gone backwards...it started when there was a trigger for him on mon night when we met a friend visitng here who was discussing another mutual friend who happens to have the same first name as OM... I could see it affected H but he said nothing, even later when we were alone. Well the not talking about things just doesn't seem healthy to me, so I told him I had felt uneasy about that comment and asked how he felt, and he said something along the lines of " OM is everywhere!!". I told him again how sorry I was about my ONS, I would never hurt him again, etc. Ever since then he is back to not wanting me to touch him at all, no SF, no affection, silent, cold, I don't love you, etc.

I am still Plan Aing as I have been for 5 months now, telling him ILY, buying his fav foods, initiating SF, no LBing. He said today he feels 'pressured' by the ILY. He wants space.

So should I just do my own thing for a while and not pay him very much attention? It seems to be counter to everything the BHs wrote on the GQ thread. I can only see this leading to greater distance between us, esp. as we will be away from each other for 10 days next week for work. But I guess he knows best what he wants, right?

Jeez, AW, I do identify with the puppy dog analogy - I sometimes feel like the biggest doormat. I used to be the complete opposite of this, back in what seems like a former life time, when I was confident, secure, happy (well, apart from the year or so pre- my ONS)...

Hi Smur

I was sorry to hear your H is still not prepared to work on the relationship just now.
I think that in a way your 5 months of Plan A were basically getting him back from his fuzzy idea of a 'open' M for him anyway, and what I do think was probably a revenge affair. Not sure if physical but vertainly an EA was there.

My guess is the OW's boyfriend may have said enough is enough & goodbye?? Do you know what went on there?

SO in a strange way you are both bringing him back into the M from his actions and also at the same time showing him he can be safe and secure with you from your actions. Wow thats confusing.
I would bet he has no idea where he is.

It would seem to fit what he's doing though.

Instead of the ILY.s right now what about once a day saying something about he never wll be hurt by you again, or he can feel safe . Just little things like that which still gives him his 'space' and no pressure. You can acknowledge what he is feeling by saying that though he feels under pressure with ILYs it is a way for him to know you are there for him. That may help him think on this.
I would not push to much but I would not give him space too much either. I think you are exactly right with your thoughts on it.
I wonder if he is depressed ?
Do you think he would see a doctor to find out if he needs some treatment?
Its a hard time right now I suppose so just keep plugging away because now thats hes got that silly idea out of his mind it may have a real chance to work.

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 06:28 AM: Message edited by: aussieswife ]</small>

Hi AW,

Thanks for your thoughts on my situation. Did you say you are supposed to hear today about the dates for the deployment ?

About my H, I am not sure about how to define his Rs with the 'female friends'. Its not really a MB idea to have opposite sex friends, but H is German originally and there is a cultural difference. I know its very common in Germany (I also studied and lived there a little while), even amongst M'd people, to have good friends of the opposite sex. Back home in Aus he has always had some good female friends who I know as well and trust, and really are just friends. But I guess the point is whether or not I felt hurt or threatened by him going away for weekends alone with just these recent 'friends' and the answer to that is yes, and especially while he is claiming to be interested in an 'open R', the answer is double yes!!

So I'm not sure if anything in particular happened with the OWW, he says he just spent some time thinking. I think he saw that I was never going to agree to an open R, so he more or less dropped the idea.

If he would agree to try and put some effort and thought into our M or be receptive to my efforts then it wouldn't be an issue for me.

Yes, I agree its a tricky situation and I feel like I am walking a fine line. I think I'll ask the BHs again on your thread on the GQ - maybe they have some ideas. About whether he's depressed, he says he is not. I'm not sure though.
He and I are going 'to have a talk' tonight and we'll see if anything gets resolved. Just got to make sure I say what i want without LBing at all, and I listen to him with an open mind. Its not easy when you're in pain.

thanks again...

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 08:56 PM: Message edited by: smur ]</small>

Hey AW,

Getting to your post way up there I must tell you that your H. still does love you. That is why he is feeling the way he is right now. If he didn't he'd be gone. Right? What would he have to gain? Why would he be so hurt with betrayal? So remember that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Since I didn't read the rest of the posts up there, I feel a little bit out of place right now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But I did want to mention on your last reply, about being from down under. THAT IS SO COOL! I have always wanted to go down there. And my dream is to go to New Zealand. I am a big out door, animal freak. So what could be a better place? Go Steve By crocky! OK nuff said! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
So did you say you are living in the state of Maine? I wasn't sure if I read that correctly? OK I should go back and read what I have missed before I go on. Sorry, I get really excited sometimes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ali~

Wow..I am so impressed that hubbies actually go on this site to try and improve marriage after an A. I would do anything for my husband to do this or even admit to a counselor or anyone that things are not ok in our marriage. ANYTHING and perhaps that is why I went and had an A. Do you think he will change after I tell him about the A? Do you think it will make a difference? A few years ago he found me in the arms of my little brother's friend. He asked what the heck was I doing. I did this right under his nose practically. He asked me if I wanted to be in the marriage the next day and I said "NO" He didn't say anything and nothing improved. That is when the porno watching started up again. Then I was going to leave him and then he started going on the phone to call counselors about his addictions but he never went to them.
I hope that perhaps he will see that things are not ok now when I finally tell him about the A with our neighborhood family friend.

Well today was the day and I thought it was appropriate to hear Aussies is now being deployed within 24 hours.
It’s Remembrance Day here and on the 11th hour of the 11th Day of the 11th Month I remember our friends who did not live to today. And the marriages which also died because of the war. Because there are a lot of them.
The statistics now indicate a 32.8% injury rate for personnel serving in SASR. Its a lot for any wife to contend with but you never really think of that sort of thing most times thank God, at least I don't. The worries of day to day living take over.
Went to the memorial service with my dad, my DD and her broad young Army sweetheart - he looks so young or I feel so old not sure.
About a hundred soldiers were lined up in front of the simple rock memorial all wore the sandy berets of the SAS. Tucked away on the balcony of an army building almost out of sight, were a handful of SAS men, some wearing bandages still.

The ceremony unfolded under a sullen sky that promised rain. And it did. All rather gloomy.

In front of the memorial, M4 rifles were stuck in a semi-circle, bayonets thrust into the ground, each butt capped with a beret: 16 sandy berets; 3 of the pale blue ones worn by the Fifth Aviation Regiment.

At the end after a bugler played 'The Last Post', a young soldier reverently lowered the flag. A piper, one of six who had played 'Amazing Grace' earlier stood before the flagpole and piped as the flag was run up to half mast.

As the last notes died, a number of Black Hawk helicopters thundered overhead. In the silence after the machines passed, a woman among the mourners started to sob.
Nearby, wives and parents of the dead men wept, clasping each other for support. My Dad who stood next to me said "Poor [censored]. It's a young man's game, more suitable for a single guy. Any private life is damn difficult and very minimal." AMEN to that!!

I walked over to Aussie as the service broke up and just asked him to hold me. Not sad, not afraid, just resigned . If he has to go then he has to go and that’s that. As Aussie said after they dragged him from the wreckage of that Patrol vehicle: "We'll just have to go back and do it again." I guess he’s going to.
And I’ll just have to do like the sugar plum fairy, all dressed up - with MB skills - and no where to go until he gets back. Whenever.
Limbo is not a pleasant place to be. Suppose there are worse though.

Not exactly sure how I feel about things today just a litle numb right now. Involuntary Plan B was NOT supposed to be part of my campaign to win him back.
If I have any concern right now its the doubt of where he will be when he gets back as far as our M goes. The first time, before the A, it was very hard when he returned so I expecet worse this time. It worries more than any thign else, isn't that strange?
24 hours is not long to say things you wanted weeks & months to say, that have to be said. God I don't know if I even can.
MAybe I can just show him for now, I'm just no good at goodbyes.

Got any ideas throw them my way. Well enough whinging it won't solve anything.
Only advice I have for anyone today is don't take to long to start on your M, sometimes time runs out on you.

AW,

My prayers are with you and Aussie today... It sounds like it was a very somber, thoughtful, dignified ceremony... thank you so much for sharing it with us.

I just wanted to say that you and Aussie are NOT in Plan B... I'm sure that he will be busy while he's deployed... but that, in itself is a 'good' thing in that he hopefully won't have too much time to sit around and mope.

I guess that my only suggestions are to try and keep in contact with him as much as possible... e-mail, snail mail, phone calls... Use whatever works best, but try to make an effort each day to communicate with him even if he can't reply.

Be upbeat and let him know how the family is doing. Let him know how YOU are doing... and please be honest with him. If you are feeling down, tell him that you are feeling down, but also tell him what you are doing to get through it.

My W always feels that she should "protect" me if she has a problem at home... I understand her desires to keep trivial problems from worrying me while I'm over here, but in all honesty, I really appreciate her 'keeping me in the loop' with everything that's going on, both good and bad. The key for us is that she now tells me how she's solved the problem on her own... and that makes me so proud of her!

AW, I will be praying for Aussie's safety and protection... and for wisdom and strenght for you during this deployment... I don't know how you military spouses find the strength and courage to support us... but I sure appreciate the sacrifices that my family makes and I know that Aussie feels the same way about you.

God bless you and your family.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

AW,

that was a beautiful and touching description.

I never really felt a strong connection to the Remembrance Day service before, being very much of the postwar generation and not personally knowing any families in the forces. But your words were so touching and true.

Thinking of you and Aussie and hoping for the best.

Friday has come & gone here and so has Aussie. He is now in theatre somewhere or arriving there anyway.

Not sure RIF if he will be in a position to receive or to send messages, most likely not he said.
I suppose I'll do what I usually do and write every day. This time I will include my whole day and the long nights. I think I'll miss him then most of all despite all we have gone through. I think hes been home more often in the last year than in our whole M and I was kinda getting used to it. Foolish me.
So I'm sitting in the study with a white wine after just talking a while with some friends on the phone, lucky stinkers are in Bali and just wanted me to know that they had a big hug for me. Pretty nice of them to do that in the middle of a holiday too!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Tonight of all nights the house is full of young people, my sons friends, who are going to play cricket early tomorrow if the rain holds off. Moment of weakness I said they could stay over.
I'll have to shop again tomorrow because they have eaten me out of house & home.
And I'm listening to a lot of soppy love songs by myself - pretty sad or what?? Get a life girl!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I intended to go through the bills make sure all was up to date, no final demands, no threats, must be doing ok this week! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But then I have THIS bill. The credit card I used for the affair. God I can't believe I spent so much over such a short period. each debit in the statement is like a nail being driven into me now. Just been putting it off and putting it off but I swore to myself I will have this fixed by the time he gets home if I have to go scrub floors in public dunnies. He is not paying a cent of it not now not ever. I'm going to add it onto the car loan which is about a quarter of the card interest rate. Then its mine totally. My responsibility.
I can’t wait to be able to show him I have paid it up in full. I know it may not seem much to others but it is something I can show him that I really worked on to fix up this M. Only a little part of it but a good start I think.

I know what you said about it not being a Plan B RIF but it feels like it will be. Not the intent of course behind it, but separation without contact nevertheless. Well if it means anything I'm missing him already.
hey funny thing he said RIF he thought YOU guys who had access to good communications back home had it worse as he felt every time some little drama went on at home you'd feel like wanting to jump in the magic car and zoom home. Whereas the little time they spent with coalition troops they were too busy sleeping after being debugged and deloused - yuck must be fun - Busy sleeping?? scratching my head on that one.

SMUR thank you again for your support amongst all your own troubles, as I said before I think you must have a heart like Phar Lap. That gung ho comment made me smile because its exactly what I thought when Aussie told me he wanted to try out for them years ago. Apparently they spend a lot of time doing psych tests & practical exercises to get rid of them at acceptance testing into the regiment.
Don’t get me wrong its pretty brutal from what I have seen and that’s not much but no gung ho stuff is wanted. I do think they are wired for high risk living though. They seem to seek it constantly and normal people like you or I think they are half crazy.

Ali you asked did I live in Maine? No we live in Perth in western Australia but I would not mind living in Maine if we had to move OS. I have some friends in Maine who email me every day nearly and I am always getting photos of the lush forest and even the snow in winter looks ok. The cold I think would drive me up the wall but other than that it looks lovely. But it’s pretty hard to beat old OZ for some unique scenery and experiences. You just have to try a trip to Kakadu and the Bungle - Bungle Ranges they are a once in a lifetime adventure. It just takes your breath away.

LM you have a hard road ahead so make sure you stay at MB and learn about the skills you can pick up its not easy, no guarantees but a lot better than no plan or system at all. And it has been used to good effect for many years.