Hi AW,

Was just wondering how you're doing this weekend and wanted to throw out another idea for you...

Not sure if you keep a diary or not, but have you given thought to keeping a journal for Aussie where you record all of your daily thoughts, struggles, feelings, and most importantly, your love for Aussie and the efforts that you are making towards rebuilding your M?

Write him letters every day, but keep a journal for when he comes home... He might not read it as soon as he comes home, but when he's decompressed a bit, and is ready to start rebuilding.... I suspect that he will love to see your feelings of love for him in your journal...

Hope all is going well for you... you and Aussie are in my prayers.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Well a journal RIF? Never really kept one before but I suppose I can.
Last night was a looong one I was awake all night and next thing I new it was 5.30am and light. Finally got 3 hours sleep.
I always seem to do this when he is deployed . Not sure why but it takes a while before I can sleep even 5 to 6 hours a night.

Trying to get myself busy reading or writing to friends on email, anything to distract my mind doing endless circles about what if’s. Feeling insecure and not sure why.

Spent the day replacing a pergola beam which had gone to rot over the years, used a new CCA treated pine beam this time so it should last forever basically.
DD wants to tell me something, I can see her trying to get it out every time she talks to me and I can only hope its not 1 of 3 things - Mum I’m pregnant, Mum we are getting married, Mum I want to go back East and live with Pete - but what can Mum say?
Big sigh!!! Hard to let go of your kids, harder to give them good advice.
But I felt good after doing the work, hot sweaty but satisfied .

Forgive me for babbling guys I seem such a confusion of thoughts right now that I’m not making any sense am I?
I suppose I’m wondering why I am questioning everything I have done these past few years and just feel so incomplete and dissatisfied. Its certainly not the M or Aussie I feel right about that its me I think. I thought I really wanted the Child protection service job, but the more I am away from it the more I think I never want to go back. I guess I’m going to have to have a long talk with my IC/MC.

AW,

I am sorry he has been deployed again. I find it interesting that I did not realize you all would be celebrating what we call Veterans Day here. Of course you would as the 11th day of the 11th month at the 11th hour involved a lot of nations. There were a few news programs that mentioned it, and showed a bugler playing "Taps" here, but not a lot else.

I grew up in the military as your children are doing now and was in it myself. I have a hard time believing it was so long ago. But, these ceremonies get to me and I guess they always will.

I think you might find that your worries about Aussie and you will be more than the reality. Do as RIF has suggested and write as well as keep a diary. It will help both of you. It is my hope that Aussies deployment will NOT be as dangerous as it was the last time and that in fact RIF's will also settle down as well.

Hang in there AW you are a good woman, and a good person and I am pretty sure your H knows it.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Tell him the crew here wishes him the best.

Hi AW,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Trying to get myself busy reading or writing to friends on email, anything to distract my mind doing endless circles about what if’s. Feeling insecure and not sure why. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Try to focus on the facts and not the "what if's". I know this is hard, but when you start thinking about "what if's", just remind yourself of the facts that you and Aussie love each other, you are both willing to rebuild your M (you're just in taking a little break for now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ), and you have changed and the A doesn't define who you are NOW.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I suppose I’m wondering why I am questioning everything I have done these past few years and just feel so incomplete and dissatisfied. Its certainly not the M or Aussie I feel right about that its me I think. I thought I really wanted the Child protection service job, but the more I am away from it the more I think I never want to go back. I guess I’m going to have to have a long talk with my IC/MC. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your comment is exactly why I recommended keeping a journal! I know that Aussie would love to share your deepest thoughts with you...

One of my biggest "fears" is that my W will struggle with something and not share her thoughts and fears with me... thus not giving me the opportunity to help her. I wasn't given any opportunity to help my W when she chose to have her A's... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Aussie is your helper, just as you are his helper... I know that it's scary to share your thoughts and feelings, but IMHO, when you are able to do this, then you are reaching a deeper level of intimacy in your M.

You're doing great... take it easy and take care of yourself... I'm praying for Aussie's safety and for you guys to make it through this deployment... hopefully it will be a short one!

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Don't know if I have any answers on much but today I did it! I emailed my director at work and asked her if I could transfer to another job.

Well after 8.30 she emailed me back and tried 3 times to get me to change my mind but I told her I needed to leave for my M sake and my own sanity.
I think she put two & two together and was very kind about it all and she asked what I would like to do. I said welfare would be ok in some areas but I needed to ensure my family was my first choice. So she has set up an appointment for me with the director General of Public Housing to see if I would be ok for a policy job in his department.
There tonight in the Governments Public Gazette is my job. URGENT - CHILD PROTECTION OFFICER required for busy Department of Community Services branch blah blah blah...want a job go for it!
I feel good. I was burnt out after all and all my whining about wanting a job I loved was just so much hot air. Of course I want a job I love but not at the expense of my M & family, my H's happiness and my happiness.

RIF I suppose Rememberance Day here is kept still because it cost this country so dear. I know you in the US call it Veterans Day & I suppose for the same reason. Most people buy a red poppy and the money goes direct to War Widows and their families.
The poppy is a reminder of the Flanders battlefield in France and all other battlefields since then where our country fought.
Australia & New ZeaLand formed what has been called ever since the ANZAC's and from 1914 it was a totally volunteer force, we voted against conscription. However the most important day for us is ANZAC Day on 25th April.
I'm afraid those ceremonies break me up in recent years. Too close to home I think.

RIF I hope your deployment is SO boring that you end up catching up on everything you ever wanted to read and more!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I now know what a busy day at the office means for Aussie and would not want that for anyone. Yes I KNOW you guys think about it differently & career soldiers seem to live for it no matter what they say, but, I still hope you stay bored to tears !! Sue me...lol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

This is for you & Aussie RIF and all your & his mates, a prayer from Aussies chaplain...


A Hymn Before Battle

Even now the vanguard gathers,
Even now we face the fray—
As thou didst help our fathers,
Help Thou our host today.
Fulfilled of signs and wonders,
In Life and Death made clear—
Jehovah of the Thunders,
Lord God of battles, Hear!

Of course I wouldn't mind if Aussie was bored either but I have no idea.

So all in all I'm slightly less confused and have my appointment with my IC/MC tomorrow. Maybe with luck and some work I wont be such a lost soul for him by the time he gets back. Maybe.

Hey SMUR, how are things with you? Any changes or better signs at all?? I was hoping after the weekend he nay be looking at things a bit more positively. He seems to WANT to be with you but can't seem to bring himself to do anything to actually ensure that happens. I still think he is depressed by your descriptions and maybe not only over the A??
Keeping you and hubby in my prayers too.

Hi AW,

I hope you had a good weekend, and thank you so much for the wonderful prayer...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Of course I want a job I love but not at the expense of my M & family, my H's happiness and my happiness. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Be sure to journal your decisions and thought processes on all of this so you can share it with Aussie when he returns!

It sounds like you put a lot of thought into your decision and you were clearly thinking of Aussie and your family... Bravo! I know that you'll find another job that will be just perfect for you!

My W's birthday is on 11 Nov, so I never have a problem remembering the specialness of Veterans Day... and being a former Marine, 10 Nov is a special day as well. It's sad, but it seems that Veterans day is just another big shopping day before Christmas... How soon we forget the sacrifice of all of the brave men and women that have fought and died for our freedom.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> RIF I hope your deployment is SO boring that you end up catching up on everything you ever wanted to read and more!!
I now know what a busy day at the office means for Aussie and would not want that for anyone. Yes I KNOW you guys think about it differently & career soldiers seem to live for it no matter what they say, but, I still hope you stay bored to tears !! Sue me...lol </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, it hasn't been boring, but it has been long... at least I'll be going home on R&R in time for our 18th anniversary and for Christmas.... and I'll have just a just a bit over 4 more months left until I come home for good... One year sure is a long time to be away from my W and three daughters...

Hey, when you hear from Aussie, tell him that I said Hi and that I'm praying for you guys...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Hi AW,

I'm happy for you about your job, it sounds like you are not going to regret it in any way and it's the start of much better times for you and Aussie. I can't imagine how worrying it must be to have someone you love in physical danger for their job, and so I can only say the problems we have here kind of pale in comparison. I really hope for the best for you two.

As for me, H is away on holiday for a week by himself and I am away at a conference for a week.So I guess he got his 'space' . I keep wantign to call him or email him or something, I think about him constantly, but it seemed that contacting him and telling him ILY etc was 'too much pressure'. If he contacts me of course i will reply straight away, but until then, I don't want to force him into anything or give him any more reasons to resent me. I am just so sad and disillusioned. Everything on this MB website seems predicated on BS s who actually want to save their Ms, and I'm just not sure what H wants. I think he doesn't know either. So no news.

anyway, all the best to you and hope Aussie comes home soon

Smur

real sorry to hear these is not better news but maybe your weeks separation due to work might let things cool a bit and allow him to get his head around things.

I really do think he would want to rebuild his M with you if he can only get over the initial 'hump' of acknowledging that he needs to participate as well. Hes still in that place of 'you broke it you fix it'..oh yeah know that one. To a certain extent its something I think goes through the entire recovery process, at least with Aussie so far anyway.

I do think you have hit it right on the head. He has no idea what he wants or what he wants to do, he only wants the hurt to go away.
You couldn't leave the MB board open up on 'just found out' for him could you? does he do any emailing at all??
If he could only see that there is so much hope & to work on letting the hurt & pain fade and know he is not alone!!.
well I'm going to pray real hard for you & your H.

RIF it seems I'm learning from you all the time. I've been keeping the jnl and recording the day and nights, my fears for him and us, the kids, so he can read what is going on.
Pretty boring but he may want that I suppose.
The job change is going along ok, I'll be doing something in Housing so new challenges, but THIS time, family first always!!
Say a big hello and happy Birthday to your wife for me & Aussie.
I suppose she is going through much the same thing as me everytime you go away.

Its great to hear that you will be on leave soon for a little while in time for your 18th Anniversary and Christmas, and then only 4 months to go. Thats great.

Now, the good news is that I have got a message from Aussie indirectly via goodness knows how many hands, but a message nevertheless as follows:-

Ok, all fine. You & kids look after each other. Pls keep this photo, amused me.
Aussie

Sigh.... informative isn't it???

Well the photo is of a wall and written on it in black paint is the follwoing...

SPIRIT OF OZ

You hurt us bombing Bali, but we can take the pain
But if you think you can beat us, you can think a-bloody-again
We battled at Gallipoli and we fought the bloody Hun
Of all the arseholes we’ve had to face you’re just another one
You wont get your hands dirty, you wont even fire a gun
Whenever danger threatens you just pack your gear and run
You brainwash innocent children to do your evil deeds
Careful not to let them know just where it really leads
You get them to believe all your bigotry and lying
Until they can no longer see that’s there’s no glory in their dying
Now we’d like to pose a question , answer if you can
Where does your holy book tell you to kill your fellow man?
Now listen hard and listen well, we’re giving you the word
You’re never gonna beat us you useless bloody turd
You’d never face us personally, you haven’t got the guts
You know that if you ever did we’d have your bloody nuts
Our spirit is unbroken, and our heads are still unbowed
We sure as hell aren’t scared of you and your gutless crowd
So get your act together…………you’ll never win because
What you are really up against is the spirit that is OZ !!!

So what can I say after that?... well for one to keep his bloody head down and don't be a hero!!

You know thats a deep fear & shame I have that he'll do something stupid to show hes the 'better' man over the OM.
The consequences of what I have done seem to just go on & on.

****EDIT*********

Hi AW!

SPIRIT OF OZ

You hurt us bombing Bali, but we can take the pain
But if you think you can beat us, you can think a-bloody-again
We battled at Gallipoli and we fought the bloody Hun
Of all the arseholes we’ve had to face you’re just another one
You wont get your hands dirty, you wont even fire a gun
Whenever danger threatens you just pack your gear and run
You brainwash innocent children to do your evil deeds
Careful not to let them know just where it really leads
You get them to believe all your bigotry and lying
Until they can no longer see that’s there’s no glory in their dying
Now we’d like to pose a question , answer if you can
Where does your holy book tell you to kill your fellow man?
Now listen hard and listen well, we’re giving you the word
You’re never gonna beat us you useless bloody turd
You’d never face us personally, you haven’t got the guts
You know that if you ever did we’d have your bloody nuts
Our spirit is unbroken, and our heads are still unbowed
We sure as hell aren’t scared of you and your gutless crowd
So get your act together…………you’ll never win because
What you are really up against is the spirit that is OZ !!!


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So what can I say after that?... well for one to keep his bloody head down and don't be a hero!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ha ha ha... well, my W told me pretty much the same thing...

Wonder what Aussie was thinking when he said "amuse me"... I thought the poem was great! And Aussie must have thought enough of it to take a picture of it and send it to you... Have you thought about scanning the picture in and having it put on a coffe mug or something? I'm sure that he'd enjoy having it later on when he's back telling war stories with his mates....

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Now that's a great idea. Put that picture on something you know he would use everyday.
If I came home to a gift like that.....
You don't know how many points it would score.

What a great idea guys!!

I can handle the scan ok, but how on earth do you get it copied onto a coffee cup????
Is that done by someone??? If so who would do that??
Hey look I'm not the most PC educated person you know, I can turn it on ok. I did try to put the extra hard drive in it for Aussie today.
I got the bios to recognise the new drive as the primary slave but I'm lost after that!
Did the device checks on the IDE cables and the drive itself and it says all ok and working........sure it is
Just could not find out how to create another drive on explorer for him. You know c drive for the primary is ok but the Z drive I wanted to cresate for him, well lets say I said a few very naughty words.
I'm so frustrated with it and wanted to kick the blinking thing but thought maybe it was not a good LB to break his computer..lol
Finally got the thing listed as E drive but it says its full??? AAAAHHHHHHHH ...

Curly17

First of all I telling my H. It was almost the hardest thing I have done in my life. When I watched the sick look of hurt and pain wash over his face it was as if I had just shot him myself. How did I get the courage? I'm not sure it was courage or if it was the stress of hiding it from him got to much and I just blurted it all out.
It was not the best time, the best place or planned, I just did it. I think I really truly wanted to die at that time.
So its not easy its bloody, bloody hard.
BUT, if you want to save your M then you have to tell your H. But you can do it at a place and time that you plan on. If I had to do it again I would ask him to meet me at the IC/MC's office and admit all there to him. Because I choose a medical practitioner - a psychiatrist - to be my IC/MC which is rare but she specialises in it - and was also Aussies as well later - I suppose I could have got him there without much suspicion to tell him. I guess it would be harder with out that.
However you could leave him a note to meet you at your MC’s office if you feel you need a ‘safe’ place to tell him. If not, an issue tell him at home.

How do you do this?
Well there is no EASY way. What ever you say will hurt him. So you do it the best that you can. From your post yours has been a purely EA not PA is that right?
Well some good news is that many men seem more willing to forgive that kind of affair then a PA. They are still hurt the same but can recover in many cases a bit easier. But don’t think he doesn’t realise it was betrayal he will!! And remember I said many not all men here.
I would be totally honest from the beginning. Don’t make my mistake and dribble the truth out as he digs away. Tell it all be consistently honest. He’ll ask over and over and over the same questions.

Have I ended the affair???
Rather say that’s its over. The OM and his wife left for another state so that was that. Would I have ended it before I told Aussie?? I can’t honestly say but think I would have because of the huge conflict of emotions that started to surface. Just a bit like you are feeling now I suspect..

How do you finish it?
Well you need to be in a place that you have an idea of what you want.. A fleeting fantasy , a few feel good moments you get by sneaking around or a open and sound loving relationship? Harder to ans than you might think. Why? Because in my case the OM was giving me something that my H wasn’t. Did I ever ask my H to, NO to my shame.
I think to a certain extent it was the very secretive nature itself which attracted me - e,g excitement
So I guess it’s a bit selfish put this way but I want security, excitement ( just a bit) , love, kindness, strength , acknowledgement, commitment, SF, family, sharing, and giving & lots more. Not in any order here, but yes I want it all. I just didn’t ask my H for it when I should have. Of course you see I didn’t realise he wanted the much the same.
Who has a chance of giving me that, a relative stranger or the man who has loved me for years even if I forgot that for a while??
Now remember this is me, there are other things you will want and need for you. There are things you will want to share and give. So you need to know in your own mind that what you are doing is wrong . If its wrong then you stop because its hurting you as well as your H & I think you know that.
Then you contact the OM and say its over I need to work on my M and I can’t do that contacting you.
Please do not contact me again.
Keep it simple, no long explanations or goodbyes.
You type it and you send it.
The you change your email account and cancel all the others that the OM knows.
That’s the beginning of finishing it.

Where do you find the strength?
Well in the end it comes from within you. BUT you can get help from a good pro marriage MC Curly to build up that strength.
I think based on your history of failed attempts to end the A you should seek a MC for you RIGHT now. Maybe later your H may want to come but right now you need the help to get to the place where you can cut the OM from all contact. Don’t delay as you can obviously feel yourself sinking further and further into this A and once it becomes a PA, well all bets are off. Whatever you do now do not meet him!!!
I mean of course the BEST thing would be for you to cut contact in full right now but can you?? Yes its hard isn’t it? Even thinking about it is hard.

Regrets telling my H?
Sometimes when it gets hard I suppose I do. I ask was it worth all the pain, will it be worth all the pain? I guess I will find out over time. I know at last we have a very honest M now. We know each other well but had to learn that all over again.
Will we survive as M ? I hope so, I want to, but I also know not all the decision is mine to make. I also realise it never has been.
If it was not for the pain I would equate it to a new M where you learn about each other and make allowances for each others foibles .

Post deleted by Justuss

Affairs and one-night stands are so terrible. I don't understand how some people here could've done what they did. I know we all make mistakes...but to cheat on the one person that has ever cared for you for who you are in exchange for some hot animal passion is just plain dumb and inconsiderate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . I personally don't believe that that love is enough to keep a marriage alive. Love is faulty by nature. But once the trust is gone, every little thing done out of love (or guilt in WS's case) is questioned as if the BS turned into the most cynical person ever. It's just terrible to **** up a marriage or go outside of it to fix a problem...but for every wrong-doing, comes w/ a price - retribution.

Post deleted by Justuss

Post deleted by Justuss

Good for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by aussieswife:
<strong> What a great idea guys!!

I can handle the scan ok, but how on earth do you get it copied onto a coffee cup????
Is that done by someone??? If so who would do that??
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey AW... I've seen the little kiosks at the mall that will put a digital picture on T-shirts, plates, coffee mugs and such... or if you know of a good photo store, they should be able to do the same thing for you...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

I dunno. Perhaps people who pose as comfort zones seem very enticing at the time where one's marriage seems to be deteriorating. If you'd ask me which one is more devastating, I'd pick emotional affair. Actions speak too loud than words.