I posted before about my belief that there is a collection of hardcore, serail, "other men" out there. Basically, they are guys who take pleasure in being the "other man," and who do it as often as they possibly can.

I used to work with one of these guys, in fact. He was married with two kids. But he always seemed to have something going on the side. His basic mode of operation was to talk to a woman long enough to find out where she was vulnerable, and then to exploit those vulnerabilities.

If the main problem was that her husband didn't pay attention to her...this guy became captain attention. If the problem was a lack of emotion or passion...he became Lord Byron.

And..he had one other arrow in his quiver, the "my wife doesn't love me" sob story. There was a lot of credence to it: his wife probably DIDN'T love him much, because he was a scoundrel, a user, and a control freak.

Time and time again, this approach worked. And I have to say, it baffled me: it's so blatantly transparent. But maybe that's because I'm a guy.

My own WW experience with her OM went along similar lines: she began talking to him about the problems in our marriage and revealed an emotional need that he exploited. He also used the "why doesn't my wife love me" tactic to seal the deal. (I'm NOT saying that my wife isn't responsible - she is. But...I also believe there was a high level of manipulation that she either couldn't or didn't want to see.)

Anyway, I'm interested in finding out if some of the rest of you have had similar experiences - and wether I am correct that there is a cadre of would-be, quasi-professional OMs ready to swoop down on our wives if we let down our guard.

The OM in my case was very clever. He had just separated from his wife due to an affair. In this instance there was no wife to blame for his unhappiness so he used the current OW that had caused the separation from his wife. He said the woman was frigid. Let me get this straight------------ The OM had an affair with a frigid OW and left his marriage???????????????????????

My wife said she felt less important than me in the marriage. From that point on OM phrased every email as follows: “I really value you a lot”. This phrase was included in every email even after D-day.

Stanley, that's exactly the kind of thing I am talking about: a guy who makes it his job to find and exploit weakness. I see guys like this as predators, really.

All of this, of course, is not to absolve our wives of any guilt. But...this experience has relaly opened my eyes to the way that some guys operate. It's also fueled in me a resolve to make sure that I am filling those needs, so that the door isn't open again in the future.

AndrewA....Wow, you sound just like myhusband!!!
I dont think you should generalize like that about OMs. I mean you actually think that there are men out there, to take it upon themselves to save "damsels in distress??? There might be a few like that, yes, like for instance,Dhanush, the reform perfect man that posts once in a while here, he used to be that way,a scoundrel,a user, a smooth talker. But there are some men that fall into affairs with married woman, just by accident. Cirmcunstances throw these people together, is not a premeditated act. I dont think!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I think men and women take for granted marriages sometimes and thats why us "weak,no integrity" people fall into the affairs. Because we need our spouses to be very attentive, even if we had been married 100 years!!! Everyone likes attentions, some, more than others!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
MYRTA-STANLEY'S WIFE!

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: Myrta ]</small>

Andrew,

I know a former OM very well. In his affair days he was not the person I knew over many years. I wouldn't say that he was a "serial" cheater, though he did have two affairs in five years. But I would say that he changed himself for the women he pursued, both of them married as well.

By that, I mean, he saw in these women something that was lacking, an emotional need unfulfilled. He was happy to fill that for them, because in turn, the women also filled some very deep emotional needs in him that were lacking.

He didn't see himself as taking "advantage" of these women or out for just a "piece." He genuinely cared about them and their lives (both were in troubled marriages, of course, as was he).

Like so many typical affairs, his both started by engaging in personal talk with these ladies about their marriages, and about his own. They became "friends" and then "close friends," and finally, lovers. It was a progression, though it happened very rapidly, within weeks in the case of the second affair.

All BSs, in the beginning, tend to view their spouses as "victims" of a slimy, low-life calculating OP. While some OP definitely fall in that category, and the OM in your case might, I can not put this man, the former OM in that category. Nor do I think that many OP actually fall in that category.

By and large, I think the vast majority of OM and OW are people who saw that their actions, unintentional at first, had a positive affect on another person and liked how it made them feel. So they let their guard down and an inappropriate relationship ensued. Soon it was a full-blown affair.

The OM that I know has learned a lot from his two A's, especially the last one. He is now faithful and loving to his wife (as he was for the first 15 years they were married) and she is the center of his world again.

Did I mention? The OM I know so well is my husband.

~ Snow

Snowbelle:

I am glad you have a positive story about an OM. My wife's OM had affairs while he was married. Then started with my wife after he left the marriage while keeping another OW on a leach.

My wife wanted to believe the OM had been truthful to her. The OM lied to my wife during the affair regarding the other OW. PAR FOR THE COURSE as far as I am concerned. Now my wife Myrta believes the OM was not an awful man. OM probably has some good qualities, but WIFE admitted she would not like a man like that to marry one of our daughters.

I ask you:

If you have a daughter and she is courted by a man who was OM written all over? How would you feel?

BTW, I am glad your H is reformed----------------- good for you!

I'm not sure if this counts because I'm talking about the OW in our situation.

The OW in our story "knew" exactly what she was doing. She planned the affair.

We are very well known and therefore it was quit easy for OW to gather info about us.

She knew that we earn $$$, she knew that our kids are grown up, she knows our hobbies and she knows that my husband is very successfull with what he does as a career. He is well know, popular and good-looking.

We didn't know OW & OWH until she intiated contact. She participated in a activity that we do as a hobby.
Before she participated, she got alot of info about my husband so that it was possible for her to even know that he would be attending that particular activity.

She made this appear as a coincidence and due to the fact that she knew what my husband was interested in, she was aware what to talk to him about to make herself interesting. (she also knew that I wouldn't be with my husband that day)

He fitted perfectly into her plan. She was planning to leave her husband and she just needed a perfect match, so that she could go on with the lifestyle she was used to.


She never had to work, she wanted to have her horses and she needed a man that would fit into this lifestyle. She didn't want kids nor did she want to cope with "little kids" so again, my husband would of been a "perfect" match.

And she wanted a man with $$$$$. (well she somehow believed we are rich.....tehe)

This OW definately "knew exactly" what she was doing and she wanted it no matter what!!!!!
Not to mention, she had "more than enough experience" with men, so she knew what to do and what to say and she knew what men definately like and what attracts them.

OW is now living in divorce. She's still looking for the matching man but she seems to be having a few problems with this now.
She even tryed to contact my husband shortly after her husband finally threw her out.

So this tells me that she has not learnt nor has she shown remorse for what she did.

BTW: OW was involved in a few other affairs too, so my husband was just one out of ????

take care
bb

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he saw in these women something that was lacking, an emotional need unfulfilled. He was happy to fill that for them, because in turn, the women also filled some very deep emotional needs in him that were lacking.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly, that is a very accurate description. Quite often the OM is similar to WW with a hunger to find someone who will stroke his ego. In a sense they are birds of the same feather and hence they immediately conclude they must be soul mates. One wonders if that need can be erased just like that or whether the spouse must be vigilant and try to constantly meet that need.

I just posted this over in "recovery", but it fits here as well.

What about the OP?

I read the confession from a former OP, healed after treatment and becoming a practising Christian.
He was the serial OP, the James Bond super stud, with an enormous number of married women on his trophy list. You would believe the number was a fantasy!

You know what? He was a real miserable guy. He was far too insecure to go for the free women out there; he had to go for the married ones. He then would not feel crushed if rejected since “that would be out of loyalty to their husbands”. (This was in the fifties, when loyalty was still common, I think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ). And having conquered one, he had to go for the next, and the next, to seek confirmations to his own worth.

He was healed, with God’s help, and with the help of a team of Christian psychiatrists and psychologists. The healing was slow.

My point is, he was a real miserable guy. Far from anything any man should envy.
But the sad part is how efficient he was in his conquering. He had a built in “radar” to spot possible targets. And he must have been quite a performer with that rate of success. Hundreds of people and lots of marriages were left hurt and destroyed in his wakes.

I enjoy watching 007. But having read the story of “X” above, I always wonder if the super hero is a real miserable guy under the glossy surface. Who knows?

<small>[ October 07, 2004, 06:04 AM: Message edited by: Frank57 ]</small>

Even though your post is titled the OM, mind if I reply about the OW that tried her best to ruin my life?

We have discovered that the OW who my husband got himself tangled up with goes from job to job, in which the employees are predominately male. She started working at our workplace and sat back for 3 weeks, studying to see which man she could "catch". Being that my husband was a very trusting, open, friendly type of person, she chose him and started working her plan. Of course, she was in an abusive marriage, 4 children to feed and just needed someone to talk to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

My husband felt that he needed to be her knight in shining armor, per se. Here's a damsel in distress that needed to be rescued!!

The truth of the matter (we found this out later through a PI) was that she has been married 3 times, each marriage ended due to her numerous affairs, and she has had 4 children by 4 different men. She was hoping to get pregnant by my husband so that she could retain custody of the child and receive child support. Why work when you can sit back and collect almost $2000 a month in CS? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

When he ended the affair and chose to re-build our marriage, her plan failed. She didn't take this decision very well and did whatever she thought she could get away with (legally) to ruin our marriage. It's a long story, but it's pretty similar to the movie Fatal Attraction.

So, the OW in our case was a pure predator. Her plan had worked so well the last time, that she thought she'd try it again. We've become very good friends with her previous victim and his family, and if it weren't for his input on all of this, I'm sure that we'd be at her mercy.

It's taken quite a bit of praying, counselling, and MB's for me to finally quit obsessing over what she's going to do to me next and get her out of my mind. At this point, I can only feel sorry for her and the choices in life that she has made.

The reason why she sought out my husband to have an affair with?? Money. Plain and simple.

How sad for her.......

Even though we pay lip service that our FWS were willing participants in their affairs, we almost always end up totally demonizing the OP and stripping him/her of his/her humanity.

Folks lets remember that our FWS ARE the OP to the OPs BS. Would we agree with them in their demonizing of our own FWS?

Good points, all.

Yes, I do believe that there is a core of hard core predators out there who take advantage of vulnerabilty whenever they see it.

As I think I mentioned before..I worked with a guy who was constantly doing this kind of thing: looking for women who were unfufilled or unhappy, finding out why, and then filling the void.

Are all OMs or OWs that way? No. But do they exist? Certainly.

The point about our husbands/wives being the OM or OW to someone else is a good one. But that doesn't undercut the point that there are some men or women out there who basically make a career out of this sort of thing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AndrewA:
The point about our husbands/wives being the OM or OW to someone else is a good one. But that doesn't undercut the point that there are some men or women out there who basically make a career out of this sort of thing.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Agreed but when threads regarding OPs surface on these forums, many times they tend to become feeding frenzies of ripping the OPs to pieces. The OPs become the receptacles of all our hatred and bitterness and while this is better than doing it to our FWS, in the long run it is very damaging to us if we do not learn to let go of the hate and bitterness completely.

That's the hardest part, I think - letting go of the anger and bitterness. It probably is huma nature to villify the OM or OW- though in many cases, that villification is justified.

I've tried to take a pretty basic approach to this: the affiar is over. It's time to move the marriage forward into a better day.

The OM has his own life to worry about. I have mine. And while I am angry and festering over what happened and the OM's role in apparently bringing it together, each day as my wife and I grow closer and closer...that anger disipates a little.

There is an old saying (I think it's old - it's certainly a saying) that "living well is the best revenge." It seems to me that the best way to even the score is secure the one thing the OM wanted but didn't quite get - my wife's heart and her love.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AndrewA:
<strong> Yes, I do believe that there is a core of hard core predators out there who take advantage of vulnerabilty whenever they see it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know of two such men. I'll share what I know about them.

Add to the list of vulnerability the women who work for (or with) men who have control over their futures. This was me some years ago, and I found out I was NOT the only one in the office who was being preyed upon. I got caught off guard more than once from this person, and at the time was too naive to realize what he was up to. I later learned that it did not matter whether a woman gave in or not (I did not) - but all were victimized and all became threats to his career. So, he oppressed everyone to make sure nobody would tell - and he tried very hard to keep all of us apart from each other as well. (He eventually was denied promotion after one of the women - not me - blew the whistle on him to Personnel, and he ended up leaving the company.) He was a cold, calculating person... I still can't get over what a sleeze he was.

The second was someone I worked with when I was married to my first H. (My first H had serious mental and drug problems - I foolishly thought he had conned the psychiatrist to get out of the army - can you believe that?) Anyway, I was very young, very confused and got involved with this guy who clearly was preying on my vulnerabilities. In his defense, I think he was also vulnerable and not quite in the same league as the first guy I mentioned.

This second guy is way back in my past - I learned from him what I would NEVER EVER do again in my life, and moved on. I do not carry any baggage from that experience as far as I know. But the first one was different. I have never quite gotten over the feelings of being used and abused for years, that I could not overcome at the time because of my need for the job, and his power over my career. I know this experience hindered my ability to trust and not feel used sexually just in general. But I didn't recognize its impact on me for many years. I am still dealing with this - newly surfaced anger and feelings of low self-worth as a result.

These (male) predators can do serious long term damage to the women, not only their SO's. I don't know about female predators - I think there is an element of competition among women for available men, and also issues of women who don't feel good about themselves unless men are paying attention to them. How many women are ruthless predators like the guy I worked for, I do not know.

I agree with alot of what others have posted but here is my 2 cents..

I was a FWW - Yes, I was lonely - BS worked alot, we fought about everything, when OM came along I was just starting to go out for drinks after work with friends. OM hit on me lightly, then every Thursday ( the only day I did go out) I'd see him at this bar - we chatted about everything jobs, co-workers, my spouse, his x's, etc. this went on for a few weeks. Then little jokes about lunch - next thing I know he's calling me at work inviting me to lunch - I didn't go..the next week at the bar he approached again..one thing lead to another - 6 months later I left my BS (who was not aware of the A) and got an apt. A year later I moved in with him - then we got married...

Moving Ahead - 10 years - I find out that I'm M to a serial cheat..My WH (I believe) has been involved with many OP during our M. When I now look back at some of the women he was "friends" with when we were both S - heck, they were all M..I recently found out that he had an A with a MW and her BS confronted my now WH - all this 14 years ago (before me)- well, they are at it again..but, did it really ever end???? I doubt it..I think they just hid it well and it was not frequent. I think he kept up w/her because he felt inside that he "won" - yes, her BS won her back in his eyes, that the A was over - but, it probably wasn't. So my WH "still had her".

Of his new OP - all 4 or 5 that I know of are M...I truly think he is ONE OF THOSE GUYS - that preys on M women - they are a challenge, he can't get caught as easy w/them - they don't come looking for him, they don't check to see if he's home - they believe they are "the only one".."they are special".."he's cheating on his wife only"..Yeah right - he's cheating on them with many OP's. THey just have no way of checking on him.

I believe he's emotionally empty inside - that no one person can fill his needs. So the Harley plan has no way of working for us. I think he enjoys the chase, the capture and maybe he thinks he loves some of them - but, he can't..Not really, or there wouldn't be so many. Sexually, he needs the sneaking, hotels, knowing he's "won", all these things add to the excitment..

At times, I feel sorry for at least one of them - she risked her M, kids, security, for a man that is cheating on her too..It's sad to think there are people out there w/o a conscience - that can destroy other's worlds and walk away - untouched..This women thought that she meant something after all these years - none of us mean anything..

Mine probably tells OP - my wife doesn't care about me, she cares about work, house, dog, horse, I'm last..then they feel sorry for him..Hell, if I didnt' care about him - why have I been fighting for my M for over a year now..WHy when I call these OP and tell THEM I love my H - do they not hear that part??? Has he made them deaf too?????

Just my 2 cents on the predator..HE DOES EXIST..in my home...

Yes, some of us believe what they tell us - yes, I should have known better..they manipulate you so slowly you don't see it coming..It wasn't transparent for me at all, I truly believed I met someone that had time for me, and I think for awhile he did..then his inner demon came out again. I have learnt a valuable lesson..the hardest way possible - thru my broken heart..and all those around us.

Everyone that finds out what has been going on is SHOCKED - they never saw this dark side of my WH..they thought he was a good/caring/loving H..Yeah, well, he's a good actor too..

Good Luck in your recovery..

I know of OMs through what my wife says and what I have seen in many men that I know have been OM at one time or another.

There is one thing they do quite well---------- they are SMOOTH talkers and they always say what women want to hear. They also take their time to do their job, they may work on a woman for a year or more if they have to. Yes----------- they have a lot of patience. They also know how not to LB the prospective WW---- they will always say nice things and will avoid insulting the prospective BH just to show how classy they are. In general (unless they are new at the trade) one finds that they are serial cheaters with self esteem that may even be lower than that of the prospective WW.

Stanley, I think you hit the nail on the proverbial head.

Thinking back on it now...the OM came to dinner at our house a couple of times. (Before he was the OM, I think.)

My wife had told him about our marital problems (I didn't know this), and he spent the whole dinner looking like someone killed his puppy.

At the time, my wife and I talked about what was likely bothering him. She claimed not to know. But...now I found out that he later told her he was sad because "it's obvious your husband cares so much for you."

That's a perfect illustration of the technique you talked about - paint yourself as Mr. Classy by talking good about the husband - who, of course, you are planning to bretray.

OM knows that the prospective WW would back away if he thrashed the prospective BH------ These guys have a natural instinct on how to avoid LBs and they really know how to fill love banks.

My wife said OM said things to her that were always on the money. He helped my kids with homework, offer to help my in laws, took my wife's sisters on a helicopter ride--- you name it----the guy is SO SMOOTH!!!!!!!!!!. And see how the work the prey, very methodical over the long haul and they appear to be so nice to everybody. All OMs I know have great personalities!

Stanley, my OM did a lot of the same stuff...he was always bringing my kids candy or some other trinket, for instance.