I found out that my H had an affair on 9-22-04. I really thought that was the end of us. It had been going on for 4 to 5 months. I was devistated and at the same time not suprised. I had been checking his cell phone alot for messages and on 9-22-04, I heard the big one. We talked about eveything and he said he wanted to stay and make thing better. I agreeed. He is the love of my life and I was neglecting him big time. We would have sex maybe 1 time a month. So in a way I felt somewhat responsible for this. I went to the book store and read part of surving the affair.. and I think it helped me, I didn't buy it . Was afraid someone would see me and know what was going on. Anyway I explained to him that there were going to be guestions, and he has answered them truthfully I hope. But I still bring things up, make comments, Maybe I want him to still feel guilty. Well a week after that someone found out my Cell number and called and left me a message. (OW) I called my H and let him listen to it. He said he was sorry for that. I received calls off and on for 2 weeks whenever I answer they hang up. The day after our talk her called her and said it was over. so after all of these messages , he will not called her and blast her out of the water... and make her feel as bad as I have. Is that wrong to want her to feel the feelings that I have had to deal with. He said I could call her and do that if I wanted to.... and Yes I want to but I haven't because I am trying to be the bigger person... How do I let it go and make our marriage work. Our relationship has been great since that day.. but I am afraid I will mess it up with the lack of trusting him now , and Yes I still check his phone. I don't want to but I can't help myself. I need to get past this and stop thinking about it....

First, welcome. This place has helped me a lot. Hopefully, it can help you, also.

I found out about my wife's A about two weeks ago. I'm a person who generally has a hard time of letting go of things - and I wasn't sure I would be able to let go of this, either.

But..I've had to. In order to make the progress that needed to be made in our relationship. Am I still hurt by it? Yes. But..the wound is gradually closing as I become more confident in my wife's love for me.

I think it's hard to let go sometimes because we feel that if we DO let go, we are somehow condoning what the other person did or letting him or her off of the hook. But, I don't see it quite that way. My wife is generally remorseful. And that's enough for me. There is no need to keep throwing her mistake in her face.

What helped me? To get some of the questions I had answered. Also, my wife opened up completely to me after I found out. I got the password to an email account that she used with the OM, and she gave me all of the cell phone bills that documented their calls. That helped me a bit, because it suggested that she didn't want to have any secrets anymore. As far as dealing with the details: I had to make a conscious effort to convince myself that they didn't matter anymore. All that mattered was moving forward, and getting stuck in the when and how wasn't doing that for me.

I let it go by creating two boxes in my mind "then" when all of this happened and "now." I've focused all of my energy on the "now" box...and while I'm not forgetting about the "then," I'm trying to learn from it.

The trust issue is a hard one. I have also checked my wife's phone a couple of times. But..I can't monitor her 24/7. At some point, there has to be a leap of faith. I beileve my wife realizes how deeply this hurt me, and I have to rely on the love she says she has for me to keep it from happening again. Maybe I'm a fool for doing that. But..it's the only approach that gives me peace of mind.

If I do the things I need to do, and fix the problems that led to the A, I just have to believe that she will be happy and that she won't need to find another man to fill her needs.Ultimately, that's all we can do: give it our best and love our spouse as well as we can.

As for the cell calls from the OW...your husband should make it clear to her that no contact means NO contact - with you or with him. I'd get the number changed, also.

Letting go is hard.
I agree w/andrew that a part of us feels like if we let go our spouse got away with something.

My H is not one to open up and tell me how he feels so it is hard for me to know how sorry he may really be,or what if any pain he deals with on a daily basis.I only know how I feel.

If your H truly wants you to be able to work thru this and forgive(I do not believe we will ever forget)then he must play a big role in recovery.
For me my H has not done this and I believe this is one reason I am still stuck.

You can order the book "Surviving an Affair"from this website and it will come to your house in a plain package and no one but you needs to know what it is.

Keep posting here you will get great support on those really bad days(and you will have them).

As for the OW,I did talk to OW in my case I felt I had the right to and also I needed to for me,I wanted her to know what she had done to me as a person(I do not blame just her but her and my H equally)to my family and my life.The A will forever change your M,and you.Many here will say to have no contact at all,I believe it is a personal choice.

As for trust,your H will have to earn it back and it may or may not be the same as before the A that is up to you two.

Best of luck to you.
And welcome to the place no one wants to be but once your here your hooked <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks, I guess it helps to know that I am not the only one out there who feels this hurt. I get his cell phone bills already so that is another way I figured it out.. I can't change my cell phone it is for work., But I really want to change his so that will be the next step. I think what makes this harder is that the OW knows me and I know her, she use to come in to my work. and she knew he was M. WOW how can woman do that to each other not that my H is to blame also.I would not do something like this it is wrong. When you are married, that is a bond that is not supose to be broken.I just really hope that we can get back to where we were, the past few weeks have been good , until we got in a little fight last night, and it freeked me out... is that normal, normally I a bull and I will be up in your face, and all I could do was try to calm the situation so we could talk. is that the right thing to do... one good thing he now leaves his cell phone on, I do feel guilty about one thing a week ago I saw the message light on his cell phone so while he was asleep I listened to the message and it was her begging him to call her , I erased it he has no Idea she left a message, I have asked him every day if he has talked to her and he swears no.... is that bad , I felt ok about it.I wanted to pick up his cell phone and call her back on it to get her hopes up and then let her down with a bang.. It is probaly not right to be that mad huh...It feels good to talk about this and not be judged, like your friends would do.

Just, I think what you are feeling is normal: I've had many revenge fantasies involving the OM (including an especially nasty one that involves the use of TNT.)

But..as I thought more about it, I could see the truth in the adage: "the best revenge is to live well." And that's the tack I am taking. Our marriage is going to be so strong coming out of this, that the OM will be green with envy.

I would have done the same thing to the messages. If this is going to work out, your husband has to agree to - and abide by - no contact.

Is she married? If so...does her husband know?

No she is not married.... Wow if she was I would have to take the revenge way.... Sorry laps in judgement. But she had no problem calling me and trying to act like I had no idea about what went on when he told me everything, some of it hard to deal with . but I asked and wanted him to be honest. Yes her message said that she would be calling me back, that never happened because every time I answered my phone she hung up, what a coward. I try so hard to trust but when I ease up a little, i freek my self out... about all of the things that could be going on when I am not around him... How do you stop that., I call him in the am to make sure he is at work... make up some excuse to call, At night I tell him to call me when he is on his way home. I call out of the blue during the day to shee if he is still at work. does that ever get better. I feel like if I am not bring something up its like I am forgetting about what happen and letting him off the hook.

I can tell you from 3 years after the affair it does get better. Not sure exactly what made me stop, but I just got to the point were I realized that asking all these questions and worring was going to start hurting my marriage. Also reading about how so many people on this board dealt with all the different issues of betrayel helped me to see.

Here is the advise I received for recovery from Jennifer Harley:
1) 20+ hours of undivided attention (most important and most difficult)
2) fill out EN and LSB questionaires once a month for 6 months, amazing how fast these changed
3) 100% transparency needs to be accomplished
4) Stay in councelling even after you feel it is all good for X sessions after that time. My wife and I ended up doing another 1/month for 4 months

AndrewA I had a good laugh from your TNT comment. I remember those feelings so will, actually kind of scary now.

<small>[ October 19, 2004, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: Listener48 ]</small>

You need to not be so hard on yourself,this is still very new and fresh.It will take time.
Look at me almost 2yrs later and I still have thoughts of his A,how could he what was he thinking and so on.

We can not change what happened as much as I would like to.

My H and I are seperated right now,I dont know if we will make it or not.It is hard,it is life changing.

Remember you are not the one that did wrong he is.Dont be so hard on yourself!!

And checking up on him........is a-OK in my book you will probably feel the need to do this from time to time.I dont as much as I use to but just a few months ago when my H came to visit me I decided to go thru his wallet,I had not done that for some time,and what did I find in there her work #,and that was about 18m past dday.Contact could start up again at anytime I would not be quick to let my gaurd down.

Keep posting it will help.

I will not let my guard down for a long time ... I just don't want to be sad and worry about it . and that is the hardest part of all of this. . I want to get over jummping every time his phone rings. I need to get past this and not have have it on my mind all of the time. I know it is still pretty new that is why I am trying to get the advice I need to get past this and move on... It is hard, harder than I thought it was going to be, although like everyone else I never thought I would be in this position.This really helps to be able to write all of this and not have people judge you and say that you are stupid for letting him stay.

Even after 22m it is in my head daily,I just dont get as sad or broken hearted as I use to.You need to allow yourself the time to grieve this,remember it is like a death.The marriage that you had once is gone forever changed,it died w/the A,now you must grieve that loss and try and start fresh.This is the part that has been hard for me because my H thinks that all we need to do it sweep it under the rug act like nothing ever happened.Well sure that is easy for him that way he does not have to face the guilt or shame of his choice.

You may struggle w/this for a very long time thats ok,you may not and that would be great but remember on those really down times come here and post because we all know those feelings,those low times and those high times,that is why they call it the rollercoaster ride.And that is just what it is.

That is were it is good for me I ask my H all kinds of things about the A. and he tells me, I may not really want to know the answers but , I asked the guestions. It was really sweet last night when I got home there was flowers and a card. ( I was having a really emotional day yesterday, that is also why I wrote to this site) and in the card it said "Babe, I want you to know how much I love you. I'm so sorry for what happened. If I could turn back time I would. I'm so sorry I lied to you. Being loved adnd feeling loved is what I need. I need lots of attention. I will always strive to be a better h & friend and lover to you. Please forgive me... I cryed... It was so sweet... Then I got a terriable thought was he doing this to throw me off ... whats up.. I do not want to be like that I want to enjoy the card at face value... Is that wrong to think there is another motive. He asked me last night to please not be sad... I really am trying... it is just hard and I really want to get past it and not make it the main focus of my day... does that happen, can you forget enough to no let it consume you.every second of everyday...I want to say thank you to everyone who has responded, I have no one to talk to about all of this... I hope that I can help some one once I start to get a handle on all of these feelings.

Guess what??
You are normal <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It will take a while before these feelings go away.You do not want to be blindsided again..EVER
We all feel this way,we have all been where you are and some of us(like me)are still there in a way.
Let your H know that the best thing he can do for you right now is to be honest,answer your questions even if he thinks you dont need to know.There is also a wonderful letter online that you could show him and let him read I think it is on dearpeggy.com someone correct me if I am wrong it has been a long time since I went there but the letter is powerful and a must read for anyone going thru this.

You are doing great.

Thank you gingersnap.... I wish I had some words to help you. I am new at this and still really freek out by the whole thing.. But I hope as the days go on I can help someone else feel like it is ok and they are not alone.

There are many here that help me daily.

If I can help you know that you are ok and that it is ok to cry then I am happy.

I look at me and see how far I have come but how very far I still have to go.
Alot of my set backs are due to the fact that my H did not want to have to do any work to change him or our M.It takes two,you can not do this alone.

I still cry sometimes more over how my life is right now than the A.You will have dark days dont let them get you down,go thru them and know that it is ok to feel how you do.Your feelings are real and as a very wise lady told me,they are your feelings and nobody can take them from you or tell you they are not real.

This is a hard place to be,but I have met many here that have made it to the other side and have stronger M's now.It can be done.

If today is a good day,then good for you.If it is not a good day,then remember tomorrow is a new day.

JustHurt,

I am right where you are right now. If that is any comfort. Found out in March and have been to counceling. We have a better life together now than we did befroe. Like you, I neglected my husband so I take some responsibility. You know what? When I realized that it made me feel better.
I still get angry that he has put my feelings in this position not to mention my trust. He knows this. He knows I don't trust him but (I know this sounds stupid)He is the love of my life. He had a sexual affair instead of an emotional affair. That helped me too. My husband was sexually abused by a woman as a child. He acted out pain and frustration on the woman he had an affair with. Something he had never ever done to me. I never knew he was abused until he told me about the affair. I knew the second he told me what I wanted to do. Or should I say what God wanted me to do. It was that gut feeling. So far I am not sorry. I am very happy, just have to learn to cope with different feelings and put God as the #1 man in my life. I still do my checking. Not as often. When I have doubts I grab my bible and have a talk with
God and ask him to help me. He does. That is how I cope until enough time has passed. My husband and I are really getting involved in the church too. That helps. Let me just say, I know the feeling of feeling that you will be judged because you want to work it out. But one lady told me (after I had enough nerve to tell her what was wrong.) that she wasn't judging me that she admired me. I would love to talk to you anytime you need it.
Molly

Thank you Molly H. I am sorry for ehat happen to your H when he was a child... That should never happen... and it does affect you through life. I am glad that things are better for you. I think things are better now for us to. I just know that I don't want to be sad any more. I cry almost every day... Maybe out of guilt or shame I am not sure.. My H is very open to my questions, sometimes a little frustrated. but he does answer them. I know it will take awhile for the hurt to go away ... even though I do take some responsibility, I wish he would have said something instead of what he did. I am worried that people may have seen them togather, she lives in a differnt town... His 2 best friends know so I am alittle embarrased by that. But it is my decision to forgive, I am sure I will never forget. I should not be ashamed of that.... But you know the comment people make when they find out about all of this... Once a cheater , always a cheater. I don't believe that I think differnt things bring them to do that. I am torn now, I just received H cell phone bill for a few days before I found out and for after. After I found out I told him to call her an end it... on the day following I looked at his bill and I do not see her number on there to make that call. I do show some incoming... I want to ask him about that , but I don't want him to get mad about me checking. What do you think? I am also glad to her that you start to feel better about it, I am having a hard time believeing that this will effect me for a while. I have an upset stomach everyday, can barley eat, ( Good for losing weight) Bad for you body. I think I throw up at least once every other day.... when the stress is so bad. Did that happpen to you. thanks for listening, none of my friends have any idea.

Oh yes. I know the feeling of not being able to eat. I have lost 51lbs. I needed to though. Plus I think I am more enticing to my husband now. I would ask. I do. I have asked everything. I know it makes them uncomfortable but we are too. I say go for it.

I forgot to ask. How old are you? How long have you been married. Do you have any kids? If you are not comfortable in answering, that is ok too

No problem to answer you guestions Molly...I didn't know how to put it at the bottom of my posts Me 38. 39 in 1 week H 42 Kids 3 from my first M - 16,14,12 Girls Ours together 7-girl
We have been M for 8 yrs together 10yrs. Found out about the A 9-22-04... doing pretty good.. NC that I know of since 9-23-04. Still very scared. Molly if you feel ok about it how old are you , your H , any kids, how long have you been M. I did ask him he swears he called, He has told me many times call her if you want , I want to and then again I don't want to , because I know that I woul not be very nice, and that just makes me sink to her level.Maybe I need some drinks and then I can... Then I really wouldn't be nice, but I think she deserves everything she gets. at this point. I want her to hurt as much as I did when I found out... Is that wrong.... I hope not. she got my cell phone some how and calls & when I answer she hangs up... she blocks her number. what a coward.

JustHurt,
My husband and I have been married 20 years and been together 25 years. This is both of our first marriage. We have 2 boys 16 and 14. We are both 43. NO- it's not wrong that you feel that way. I know I did and contemplated how to make her hurt. We live in a small town and I saw her for the first time the other day at my oldest son's football game. WOW. Husband was very supportive. She saw us walking to our seats holding hands and my husband kept whispering in my ear how much he loved me. My oldest knows about it and took matters in his own hands. That is another story. I have talked with her when she was trying to get a hold of my husband. No I wasn't very nice. I needed to ask for forgiveness after I talked to her. After my oldest got done doing what he did, she never tried to contact him. I know this will be hard to hear because it was for me. The counseler told me I needed to forgive her after awhile. Let me say that your emotions have to run the course first. I am actually praying for her. I did hate her. I know strong words but I did. I just want to know wherte this road leads. Keep talking and talking to your husband because the wonderful things that God can give you from this is amazing.