Molly, Yes we have 1 D 7years old. No I haven't gotten mad and yelled, When I found out I was to numb to even think, I never thought something could hurt so bad, and just make you feel like you needed to crawl out of you own skin. and run away. I know he is remorseful you can see it in his face, when I can't eat or when I try to and get sick right after, he will give me a hug and say I am so sorry. I know how sorry he is I want him to just take a step back and know that I am watching every move he makes. and that I will be for awhile. I guess he is going to have to get over that . I want him inside to know how bad it hurts and when you close your eyes at night it just get worse, like a nightmare that even when you awake it is still there. When we go out with his friends, I feel funny, because they all new about it. and he tells me they aren't judging they have all done it them selves, I asked him then did that make it ok for you. No he says it was not alright for me. So if he knows he is wrong and feels bad about it why is it so hard for him to understand my feelings. and how hard this is for me.

JustHurt,
I think you need to find out what to do with your anger. It has to go some where so you can heal. You have not yet expressed that emotion and that one is one of the strongest.
Molly

Justhurt
Have you read any of the books suggested here??
They are good and might help him know how you are feeling if he is willing to read them,they will help you also.My H told me he would read them but never did.
It is all about facing up to what they really did and the impact it has on our lives.They want to sweep it under the carpet so they do not have to face it,they are ashamed.

I say so what!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He may never understand I dont think my H does.
Everything you feel and think we as a BS have felt and think,you are so normal.

The nightmare does not go away it does get better I can tell you that.
I have been reading a book called the Dance of Anger it might help you also in dealing with your anger and how to express it in a possitive maner.

I know for me this forum has been a life saver,when I feel super low and all alone I come here and read or post and it helps me feel so not all alone,so keep posting.

At least there is sorrow in your H's face,I told my H once I would have loved to see him shed just one tear over my pain,I'm still waiting.I can not even put into words how worthless this whole thing has made me feel.

Hang in there girl,it will get easier.

Oooo, I am so afriad to write this. But call her on your h. cell phone and bust her!

I am with you again Ginger, only if I can see a tear of remorse and hear sorry! But I think a snowball will have a better chance in hell than me hearing and seeing that!

Hey Molly, I live in eastern IL. About ten miles from the border. Still getting use to it here. I am used to the northern burbs of Chicago.

Ali~

Justhurt

You do need to stay on top of things,keep checking his cell and other things for signs of contact.

I dont think I told you guys this but it took me a long time to stop checking his email,wallet,all of that.
Well in Aug. I went thru his wallet I had not done that in a while but I knew what was new in there and what was not.He had a business card that I had seen before many times,but this time when I took it out and turned it over it had her work # in my H's hand writting.BUSTED.

He told me she called him at work.
I called her at home(I still have all #'s I have come across)and told her that I knew she had been in contact w/my H,she of course said this was not true,made herself look like a fool because my H had already said she called and I know how dumb my H is when it comes to phone#'s he can not memorize them to save his life.

So last contact between these 2 was only less than 3months ago.

This is also one more reason I do not trust and I will not let my guard down.

Ginger, I am wondering if we are married to the same person! Randy can't remember phone numbers either. Not even his own! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL
So did you say anything when you read busted? I would have acted as if I never had seen it. Make him feel stupid. After all, why would he bust you on trust? He is the one that is not trusted worthy. So I believe what you did was right. I do it. But since he now knows that I check up on him, I believe if he were to do it to me again, He would be a lot more wise. I should have not told him how I found out.
Justhurt. Please call her! Follow the advice of Ginger and keep checking that cell. But don't act suspicous because it will only back fire in your face. I still check his voice mail at work. One voice mail I wanted to so bad question because she was acting more friendly than ever. "Hey big guy, been thinking of you!" By the way, Randy is no where near fat. He works out. So I sucked it in and did a lot of work. I even called the company where she is from. OK in NJ. I made up some excuse to see if she travels and she doesn't. Neither does Randy. And I havn't heard her voice in months. So anyway, keep checking.
Ali~

Ohh wait what???? OMG! You mean to tell me that he is still in contact with her! I better go reread your post Ginger. Where did I miss that?
I am soo sorry. Kick in the gut. Now that you two are living apart, how do you know if they aren't seeing each other?

<small>[ November 06, 2004, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

Busted!!!! Meant I busted him.
I know they dont see each other because she lives in another state,the closest airport is here 2hrs away.I would know if he took a trip I can follow all his credit card activity online.

As far as talking?? I dont know,they could be.He says no but I just dont know on this one.

H and I have hardly spoke to each other over the last few days,he did send me an email yesterday.

Wow , Gingersnap, How did you know to look in his wallet at that time... I am soo sorry for that. I think if I found out that her was seeing or talking to her again, I don't think I could handle that... Ali & Ginger,I want to so bad call her.. In away I am afraid to find out something I really didn't want to know , but the the fighter in me says bring it on... I want some proof of all of the thing she has said in a message to me. I want the coward to come out and fight like a big girl, she seems very bold on the phone... Like I said before, My H told me that she was afraid of me. She should be, Beacuse if I run in to her.. She will be sorry, On my Birthday we went out to a club that she goes to. Although she wasn't there. I wore Jeans and Tennis shoe just in case I had to through down.... We know all of the bouncers there so she would be the one to get kicked out. Yes I still check his cell phone bill, I get in online.... and I look through his wallet and bag in the morning while he is in the shower, I also check his calls ... I know thats bad , but to bad. We kinda got into it on Friday.. he didn't call me from work at all after I went and saw him at lunch, So I called him at 6:00 asked what are you doing he said getting in his truck to leave to come home... I said oh really, I said you must have been busy you didn't even call me. Thenit was on , he got mad because I am always brinning it up. Either I trust him or I don't I said well right now you haven't earned my trust back, she he got mad, and I said don't you dare turn this around and make it my fault... He said you should have been taking care of me you threw me to the side, I said yes that is true, but you should have been more of a H and talked to me about this before you found the first sleez that would be with a married man.... He the apoligise to me again, I said I would stop brinning it up when I was comfortable with how he was acting. I said he need to be patient.... and I would do my best but he had to do his best to make me feel secure. How come they don't get this ????

I think most WS in the beginning try to blame the BS.I know my H did he just came right out and said "You know this is really all your fault"I bought it for about 1 day and then I said to myself wait a minute how is this all my fault.

Dont fall into this trap.It is not your fault,sure we all play a role in the
inviorment(sp)that caused the A but YOU are not at fault,you did not cheat,HE did.

They dont get it because they do not want to face up to what is happening in thier life now.I guess they think everything should be fine because they did not leave.
My H even told me that once "Well G it could be worse you could feel like this and I could be there w/her but I'm not so get over it" Gee he has a big ego!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hang in there,you can be firm and let him know your boundries without LBing,you do not have to just accept anything he chooses to throw at you,after all this is now about repairing the M.

Good luck,happy birthday.I hope you had a good time.

JustHurt,
YOU GO GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!! So glad you told him what you did!!!!!!!!
Molly

Ladies, I have read through all of your posts and must say I have found some friends. My situation has all of the same emotional pain and suffering, but in a sense I feel like mine is nothing in comparison to those who have experienced long lasting EA's and PA's. I discovered 1 1/2 months ago that my husband met a woman for drinks. For some odd reason I checked his cell, which he had just gotten two months earlier. I saw a number and name I did not recognize that he called 4 times when he was at a football game with a buddy. Then he called the buddy he was supposedly with. Of course when asked he lied and said it was someone he met golfing and they were trying to arrange an outing, then he had to confess that he met her for drinks. I made him call her the next morning to break things off. He said he didn't know if he loved me anymore and needed to move out to be alone and think. He promised that he would not have contact with her. I would ask him everytime we were together and he would say no. I just recently checked his cell phone bill and discovered that he had called OW.
He said he owed OW some money and wanted to return it to her. And that the call was trivial and he didn't feel he needed to tell me. I too check his phone when he visits, but he often leaves in in his car. He was actually angry that I checked his bill, and he has even gone so far as to blame me for ending the potential relationship with OW. I have done the research to find out things about OW, but she has an unlisted address. I do know where she works, but I haven't contacted her because truthfully she had no idea my H was married. He often does not wear his wedding ring. So she was somewhat innocent. I have not found any evidence that she has contacted him back. Everytime I see him I feel the need to ask and he gets so angry. He is much like Gingersnaps H, Very closed emotionally, cold and aloof. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but is still blaming everything on me. My out of control temper, my yelling, and as he calls it my "Spanish Inquisition". How the hell do you ever get the trust back? Should I contact the OW and ask her if they are continuing to see each other? I am wondering if I should just through in the towel. I love him, but can not take the emotional roller coaster and indifference I seem to be getting from him. Can the love come back? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Yes contact her.
She may not know your H is married and you can set the record straight and then she will be able to tell your H "Sorry but I wont get involved w/a married man".
If she does not care that he is married then at least she knows and you can then take a different approach.

Exposure is usually what kills an affair!!!!!!

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: gingersnap ]</small>

Gingersnap, Sorry I wasn't clear. When I demanded my H call her to end any ongoing EA he reluctantly said "I am in a relationship I am stuggling with and have some things to work on with my wife". I have no idea what he said to her when he called her two weeks later. And have no idea if there has been any more contact. He says no, but how can I be sure. He is living in an apt and after a big blow out this weekend says he is limiting our contact to children related issues. See I have an anger problem and that is what drove him to the EA. No mention that he has been unable to communicate with me for 14 1/2 years of marriage. Cold as ice...I keep believing there is something there. I have 100% admitted my LB's and have said I will work on them but he takes no responsibility for our marriage suffering. I am trying so hard to keep my anger at bay. But it is so easy to want to hurt him the way he has hurt me. I want to believe the OW is a smart woman and hasn't contacted him because of it. Does anyone know why a cell phone bill would show your own cell number as the number billed? Is this if someone calls your cell long distance or is he somehow changing something so his number shows and not the callers? If I email the OW what do I say?

Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I am reading a book called the Dance of Anger,maybe you could get it and read it that might help you.I dont know.

As far as the cell phone bill I am not sure what you mean by showing his cell # as billed #.

If you email her,tell her how you feel.I did this OW never answered me,but months later when I did finally call her she did admit she got my eamil but did not know what to say.I think she just did not want to have to face me because that would mean looking in the mirror to what she was doing,and had done.

They advise no contact to OW but if you are not sure that the A has ended this will be a good way to see,and if it has not ended it may be the only way it will.

My H and I are not living together right now either.It is not the easiest way to work on a M,but sometimes we dont have a choice.

Hi!

We should give Waiting Without Hope her own thread.

I am not sure how to move her story over. Can someone help? I can feel her pain as I read her story.

WWH. We are here for you. Betrayal is betrayal. It hurts no matter how it happend. So don't undermine your pain. We are here to help! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ali~

I did read that Molly had also recommended that book. I will hit the library and check it out.
I have been doing alot of reading. My WH is reading After the Affair, which I have already read. But he says alot of it doesn't apply because he doesns't consider what he has done a real affair. He came to the house to have a sit down with our daughters, 10 and 12. He didn't say much, but I promised my daughters there would be no more anger coming from me. I said that their father knew how I felt, knew what had caused me the hurt and continues to cause the hurt, and that I was no longer going to give into my anger. It made me mad because he just sits there and like a politician never really answers their questions. I stayed calm and felt great after he left. I was perturbed because when he comes over its like nothing has happened. He goes into the frig and makes himself something for dinner, goes through the mail, picks up a couple of things he needs and leaves. He is also recommending that I go stay at his apartment one night a week for my "alone" time to think and he will stay at the house to take care of the girls.
Is that weird, I just don't know what to think about stuff like that. Oh yeah...the apartment he is renting is in the same small building that we lived in the first year we were married. If you think I need a separate thread Id be glad to move. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

We dont want you to move but by telling your story on a seperate thread you may get more responses.But you are very welcome here.

My H is the same when he comes to visit me,he throws his junk everywhere and acts like he lives here full time,and like nothing has happened.

As far as him giving you one night a week,that might be a good idea.It gives him one whole night w/the girls and you get a whole night off.Think about it this could be great for you.I would take him up on the offer.

Him moving into the same building could be a sentamental(sp)thing,but men dont think like us so he probably does not even realize it.

Your H may say that the things he reads do not apply to him,he may feel that what he did was not an A,but it was just a different kind.Does the book talk about EA's??
If not get Surviving the Affair it talks about EA's in it.

Keep posting it will help you.And good job on not getting angry,I was not as good as you I got angry at my H yesterday.It is a battle not to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Just to let you all know I have posted my intial post on a new thread "blindsided". Hope to hear from you all there. Thanks for being so accepting to a newbie.

Hey JH have not heard from you in a few days you ok?

Ginger, I am ok... thanks for asking... Things are OK... we have a few fall outs but nothing major Ya know me bringing stuff up and he gets upset and apoligises... She has not called my cell or his in a week, But she usually makes the calls on Thursday and friday nights.... Things are ok, I still and checking the cell, the wallett, He left me his truck to drive home from my 2nd job and of course I looked through it. I am makeing some sacrifice this friday, we are going to a rock concert, of which I usually do not want to go to. But I think I am only doing it because I want to make sure he is going where he says he is going.I want to spend time with him I just wish it wasn't there. Bad Huh... So Ginger how are things with you?