hi - I actually have the cell phone records from 2 months of the A. It is definitely painful to see it in black and white and know that it really exists. You then know how long the calls lasted and how often they took place. I don't know if it will help at this point in the recovery. I do think it helps to get records to make sure it is not going on now. That is what I am always interested in finding out. My problem is I could never get the records from his office and he knows that. Besides, I'm not sure if I ever said this here, but the night I caught him, I overheard my H tell OW the sound of her voice still got him excited. He still claims I took it out of context and that what he was saying was how sad it was that it could still happen given that they were ending it. Yeah right!!! So - no phone records could ever be worse than hearing that.

Things not so great around here - I find myself so angry all the time. I have been spending a lot of time by myself, driving to and from my mom's, and all I do is think about the A. Almost more now than before. I also think my H has gotten complacent, like always. He was good and nice for a while, things got better and now he has slacked off again. I'm sure he wouldn't agree, but that is how I feel.

I don't know what to tell you about writing to the OW's mother. My initial instinct is always to tell people for revenge, but before you do think if there is any way that this could hurt you in the long run. i.e. does she know anyone you know, would she share this with someone you don't want to know, etc. In my case, it always seemed worse to tell even though I knew it would feel so good letting other people in on it.

Hope the Christmas party was okay. My H's was last night and I did not go. I don't really know how it was because I didn't really ask. He tried to talk about it but I wasn't listening. As I said, it hasn't been great for me lately. I hope you and the family are feeling better now.

Let me know what you decide to do about writing the mother. I'd be curious to see what happens. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Hey Andrew - how are you????

Hi MP,

I understand how you're feeling lately. I feel the same way. I think the holidays are a trigger for me (like I've posted in the past) and in addition to that, my MIL is coming and she thinks the sun rises and sets on H. Plus, it was during her last visit in May that H was getting more involved outside of school with the innapropriate phone calls and secret meetings with OW.

About those phone records, I told H that I was going to be getting the records and he was freaking out on the inside (I could tell he was in panic mode). He was moping around for the last two days so I finally asked him if he was worried about what I would see in those records. He is terrified. He keeps saying, I called her alot. You're going to see that I called her alot. Then it was I don't think I talked to her on your birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, my birthday, etc... but I was so screwed up during that time, I might have. Whereas b/4 he knew I could get my hands on those records he was certain he hadn't called her on any of those days, etc... Then today he tells me that he has been racking his brain trying to remember everything and he now remembers two times where he could not sleep so he walked outside of our front door in the middle of the night and called her, so to warn me, "You're probably going to see a couple of calls at 2 or 3 in the morning and that is what those are." He still swears he never snuck out of the house while we were sleeping to go and see her, but the only two people who will ever know the whole truth are my H and his OW!

My H isn't the type to volunteer anything. If I ask, he'll answer but he sure as he11 isn't going to offer up anything that he doesn't have to. It is that type of evasiveness that made me force the polygraph issue. But you know what, the lie detector test is only as good as the questions you ask and I can't possibly think of every single question.

H did say if you're going to get the phone records get them all the way up until the present so you can see that I've had no contact with OW since D-Day other than what you know about. My response to that is if you want to be in contact with her, you'll find a way that I can't trace.

About the slacking, again I too can relate. I had a huge argument with H about not going to counseling anymore (IC for him). It seems he never goes unless I pitch a fit and really what good is that doing for him or our M? As I always say, time will tell if I can stay or if I must go. January 6th will be six months and at times it still feels like it happened yesterday.

The Christmas party was nice. No triggers there and no encounters with anyone that knows about the A to my knowledge. We didn't stay too long (about two and a half hours) b/c H is now sick and my Mom (our baby sitter) is sick as well.

I'm so sorry you're feeling down. It sucks all of the life and joy out of you, doesn't it? Christmas is my favorite time of the year and this year it is just going through the motions for me.

I'll let you know if I end up writing the OW's mother a letter. To my knowledge she doesn't know anyone I know, but I really know nothing about either of them so... Plus, I have no idea what kind of person she is and if she'd even care. H said OW said she didn't want her mother to know b/c she didn't want to hear her mom b*tch at her about it. Plus, I contacted OW's boyfriend and told him all I knew. He confronted her and she denied, denied, denied and he chose to believe her, so... what are you going to do?


Take care! -SNS

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: Still-n-Shock ]</small>

hey there - It's funny, just recently I started thinking about going out there and meeting someone too. I don't know if it would help me, but it sure seems like a good idea sometimes.

I feel like I can't make it through a 3 minute period without thinking about the A in some capacity. Whether it is about him, her, the two of them together, how it has screwed up my life . . . it is always there is some form or another. I wish I could let it go, but it is a constant for me. I don't know how people let go of it. During the 1-2 good weeks we had it was definitely better, but lately it is always on my mind.

Luckily this year we don't have to see most of his family at the holidays. We usually go away with them, but there was no plan this year. I am so happy because I truly hated them before, and hate them more now. Not that they did anything, but just on principal.

Right now our good friends and their three children are staying with us for a week until their new house is ready so as you can imagine it is a little hectic around here with 6 kids! Fun, but crazy. Fortunately, she is my one friend who knows about the A, so it is not difficult having them here since they know all.

I wish we both weren't so down together. We need one of us to pull the other up. I just feel like I don't have the energy. I also feel like before the thought of divorce and telling my kids was so overwhelming, now I almost feel like it wouldn't be so bad. At least I could stop pretending to the world. I just feel like it's not worth it and most importantly, I don't really believe that I can live with my H for the rest of my life knowing what he has done to me.
Do you ever feel that way?

Okay, I don't want to depress you anymore. Try and cheer up and I will do the same. Did you watch last week's Desperate Housewives? If you did, the last scene is exactly what I feel like doing.

MP

MP,
You're a life saver some times. I just ran in here for a moment to log on and see if you had responded or not. I was so glad to hear from you. I'm not doing so well right now. Too many triggers. I feel exactly like you. I feel like I've worked through so much of the initial shock, grief, denial, etc... that I can look at divorce as a plausable option with some true benefits for me. I would still worry about the kids but I also fantasize about what it would be like to actually have every other weekend to myself!

I told my H the other day that although it has been 5 months since D-Day I don't feel any better re: staying in the marriage than I did 5 months ago. His response was well I still have 6 months to change your mind and show you that I've changed and that you can trust me and that I'll never hurt you again. I don't think he really gets the enormity of what he has done to our relationship. Sorry if my spelling stinks tonight. I have a massive migraine. I'm just trying to make it until the 27th when my MIL flies home. I'm getting daily parenting advice which I just love!!!!!!!!!!

I hope you have a good holiday. I'll be thinking of you! I'm glad you have a friend there with you that you can confide in. Take care, -SNS

Hi guys - Dont quite know where to start, but here it goes anyway : I met my H 8 years ago, been married for 2 years and 8 months and have a 1 year old son. Two weeks ago I found out that he had an A, dont quite know whether I should call it that as there was NO SEX, they were kissing and visiting each other ONLY... This has been going on for 3 - 4 months now, I found out and asked him to move out, which he did. Everyday I found out more and more and more, but still NO SEX ! He moved back home last night and I am honest when I say I dont know whether I am doing the right thing, I sit here at work and wonder whether they are still sms'ing each other, how can I trust him ever again, how do I know I can beleive anything he says - I dont and somewhere, somehow I need to let go, this is going to destroy me as I am not concentrating at work and I sit and ponder about him and his movements, any suggestions? Do you guys think I did the right thing by taking him back and giving this a second chance?

Rene,

Just wanted to say welcome very quickly as I don't have much time. Sorry you find yourself here. I don't mean to sound harsh, but are you sure there was no sex? The reason I ask is my H said the exact same thing. It took me two weeks and the threat of a lie detector test to get the truth out of him that he had indeed had sex with the OW. Some times the thruth comes it in bits and pieces over time. Just to warn you. I don't know if you took him back too soon. Every situation is different and only time and your instincts will tell you the answer to that question. Talk to you more after the holidays. -SNS

hi - I'm glad I could provide a little relief. I know I am always happy when I get a response from you guys. It helps me so much to have someone to confide in and rant and rave to. I know it is such a bad time right now. I don't know if it's the holidays or just 6 months in. My d-day was 6 months ago this week and I feel the same way as you. No better now than it was then, and nothing better in sight. I'm either nasty or not talking at all at this point. He keeps on trying but I don't really care. Can you imagine what kind of marriages we could have had if only they had been like this all along? What a waste.
Now he is claiming that my friends on this site are bashing him and that is why I am so angry. Little does he realize that sleeping with OW for 5 months is more than enough reason for me to be angry.
I can't believe you even have MIL in the house. You are a saint!!! I won't even call mine, let alone invite her to my home. How is everyone feeling there? I hope okay by now.
I was with my mom today at the Dr. and found out one of the doctors in the office was an old good college friend of mine. We didn't get to see him today, but I left a note saying I'd see him next week. All I could think about all day was whether he was married, divorced. . . Maybe there is hope for us with someone else in the future. I'll let you know what happens with that.
By the way, Exvedrin Migraine works like a charm for migraines. Take it as soon as the headache starts, or as soon as the H and MIL wake up, and it works in 15-20 minutes. Over the counter. It is my drug of choice.

I better get back to my house guests. It's a little crazy here with all 6 kids. If you don't have a chance to write before the holiday, have a Merry Christmas. I will be around all week so I will be in touch. MP

Rene - Welcome to the site. Sorry you had to meet us like this. Letting him back in so soon might not be the greatest idea only because they really need to suffer on their own before realizing what a horrible mistake they have made. How is H acting now? Does he want back, and what is he willing to do. Hopefully we can help you along since we are further along in the process. Feel free to complain - we're happy to listen and try to help. Like SNS said though, are you sure there was no sex? My H said it was 2 times at first and later admitted it lasted for 5 months. Make sure you have all your info. Good luck and keep us posted. MP

Hi guys.

Well he swears there was no sex and so does she - I must be honest in saying I kind of beleive them. My cousin new about the affair as she and the OW were very good friends, so when I found about it, she told me everything, also saying there was no sex. I kind of get the feeling that I did take him back to soon, I cant remember if I told you guys but the OW was my brothers fiancee, and he is wanting her back too, I know this wont ever work, I mean Hello she'll alwasy be a part of my life now, dont know if I will ever be able to handle this. I dont know if I made the right choice, time will tell, but I made it pretty clear that if I dont feel any better in 6 months time, I am calling it quits, dont know myself whether I did the right thing. It doesn't look like my H is really trying, very normal actually, I dont know but I think if I give them a second chance they'll do exactly the same thing AGAIN !!!! I am very confused and unsure, I hate him for making me feel this way especially now before Christmas !
I am so glad I found you guys, I was desperate to speak to someone who has gone through the same thing, how are you guys surviving it, do you still hate your Husband's for doing this to you? Will you ever forgive and forget?
If I dont speak to you guys soon - I am wishing you and your families a MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!!!!!!!

Hey guys!

Finally I have a couple of hours peace! H had to put the car in the shop so he took MIL with him. They're going to have breakfast and shop in an adjacent plaza while the work is being done on the car. MIL is so critical of me. She thinks I'm not a strict enough disciplinarian with the kids. She comes twice a year to "see her grandkids" and yet she doesn't do anything with them or try to get to know them or bond with them or anything! I've been biting my tongue all week. I can't believe I haven't went postal on H yet! All she does is gather information on us so she can go bakc home and her and my SIL can sit around and talk about everything I do wrong. Misery loves company. If she hadn't purchased her ticket back in February (long b/4 the A or D-Day) she wouldn't be here that is for sure.

MP I agree with you completely 100% - why couldn't they have just acted like they're acting now all along b/c you're right, we would have had a great marriage and an A would have never happened! My H is doing everything now that we fought over for 10 years (without me having to ask him a million times either). Just goes to show that they do exactly what they want to do when they want to do it (including sleeping with, calling and seeing OW). An affair doesn't "just happen".

You know everyone refers to the recovery as a rollercoaster, but mine has been more like mourning a death, followed by a brief honeymoon period, into this false sense of recovery where we get along good for the most part- we're polite, courteous, respectful, affectionate, etc... - but underneath it all I feel trapped and betrayed and disgusted and dismayed. I guess I love him but I certainly don't feel "in love" with him. I don't trust him, heck I don't even know him anymore it seems.

Maybe I will feel differently after the new year. You know how it goes, you feel optimistic and then you feel like throwing in the towel. The problem is the good times just get you by and the bad times make you want to file for divorce and never look back.

To our newest friend (Jene right) as for the future SIL, that must be tough. It just makes me sick that 40-60% of our cheating society has no respect for boundaries, morals, the sanctity of marriage, etc... Now they expect you and your brother to spend the rest of your lives sitting across from H and OW at Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, etc... knowing her and H were once making goo goo eyes and talking dirty to one another and secretly longing for each other. The cheating spouse really does expect unbelievable compromise and forgiveness from the BS. What a selfish, selfish, selfish act.

Sorry to be such a downer for you guys this close to Christmas. Just call me the Grinch! Oh, MP, you had me LOL with your prescription for taking the Excedrin migraine as soon as H and MIL awake!!! :-) I didn't see the Desperate Housewives episode. I love the show but never seem to catch it when it is on.

-SNS

Oh MP I almost forgot, yes please let me know about the MD!!! I can live vicariously through you. I think pre- and during A, my H stopped looking at me as a woman. He probably thought of me as his ball and chain. I'm sure he didn't look at me or consider me as an attractive woman that any other man would take an interest in. It is funny how they tune you out when they're in the fog. I've seen H's OW (not close up but from a distance) and she has nothing on me in the looks department. Anyway, I see H looking at me differently now. Like when we were dating. It is like he is seeing me for the first time in many ways. Very disturbing to me to realize that my H so totally tuned me out of his life during his A is was as if I ceased to exist. That must be how Scott Peterson looked at Laci. Scary. I told my H the other day, "I still can not believe that my H was dating and having an intimate realtionship with some woman and I never even knew she existed on the face on this planet!" Here was this girl that you were talking to all day long, going to school with twice a week, flirting with, confiding in, hugging, kissing, having sex, etc... and I was totally in the dark. I can hear the intimacy and familiarity in H's voice when he says her name. It makes me want to vomit and this is an OW that my H did not even ever think he loved. He walked away without so much as a glance back in her direction. What does that say about him? Isn't it almost worse that my H was willing to throw away 10 years with me and destroy his children's family just for some OW who said, "You're handsome, smart, funny, sweet, a good kisser...."? My H didn't even enjoy the sex, he just enjoyed being showered with attention and having her fill his head full of B.S. How sick is that???

Anyway, I got off on another tangent (sp?). MP, keep me posted about the doc and I hope your mom is doing well. -SNS

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 05:31 PM: Message edited by: Still-n-Shock ]</small>

hey SNS - it is so late and I am so tired, but I am just going to tell you that today was one of the worst days since d-day. I don't know what the hell happened, I just lost it. I was saying things and asking things even I didn't really want to know the answers to. It was awful and the kids were home. Luckily, they are oblivious and Playstation is much more important than their parents discussions. Anyway, it was really awful and I must have called OW names that I didn't know I had in my vocabulary. I'm glad the day is over because my head is pounding (thank goodness for that Excedrin).

Hope you had a better Christmas Eve and that you are enjoying the family time.

I am going to try to get some sleep and forget today ever happened. All I can say is it can't get worse than this because I am at rock-bottom. Who would have thought 6 months later and it would be just as bad if not worse? Okay, I am rambling now. Have a Merry Christmas and I will catch up with you later. MP

Oh MP, bless your heart! All I can say is we're going through the exact same thing over here so in a way maybe it is a good sign as the 6 month mark must be bad and what we're experiencing must be part of the journey of recovery. I've had those exchanges with my H about OW and yes, I have details that will never leave my mind even if I live to be 110! I told my H once when I was so hurt and angry with him, I said, "You know how people say when you die you're whole life flashes b/4 your eyes...I always imagined snippets of our wedding day, the births of our children, their birthday parties, holidays, going off to college, their wedding days, etc... but now I fear that one of the last images that will pass my eyes is of you in the Howard Johnsons having sex with OW while I was stupidly at home believeing you were in college."

Yep, I've sounded like a sailor on occassion too. It drives you to the brink of insanity. It has been really hard. I don't know if it is the 6 month mark or the holidays or having the MIL here or a combination of all three. I think I read other posts that around the 6 month mark, you move out of the denial, grief, hurt, honeymoon phases into the full fledged anger stage. I told my H, "You better enjoy this Christmas with your family b/c it may be the last one we have all together like this!!!"

I think I must have broken like 10 mirrors to have been the recipient of so much bad luck of late. You would think a grandmother would love her grandchildren unconditionally, not only if they behave perfectly 100% of the time.

Well, I don't want this to turn into a b*tch fest. I hope by the time you read this you're feeling better. Sometimes you have to let it out. You can only pretend everything is good and normal for so long, ya know. I don't know about you, but the occasional outburst helps me with healing and recovery. No one said it was going to be easy, plus I don't want my H to think it was easy. The next time some attractive woman with no morals comes on to my H, I want bells and alarms to go off in his head warning him how not worth it she really is!!!

Take care of yourself. Hope your Mom is doing well. -SNS

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: Still-n-Shock ]</small>

hello - Well I am glad for you that MIL is gone by now. I love when they diagnose your children as if they are doctors and know anything about your kids. About 8 years ago, my 10 year old had a tremor. We took him to a pediatric neurologist who ran many tests including an EEG. Thankfully it all turned out fine, but during the ordeal my idiotic MIL told my H it was just a virus and nothing to worry about. They have NO clue!!! Anyway, I'm sure you are relieved she is gone. Since the A, has your H been any different when his mother is around? i.e. is he more affectionate towards you in front of her or does he talk back to her more where he might not have before?? Just curious.

Things are a little better around here. I think you were right when you said sometimes you just need to let it out. As much as it feels better when things are good, there is only so long you can pretend. It's weird - - my H and I obviously both feel better when things are calm, he is doing almost all he can to make it that way, yet I can't seem to let go of it. Why can't I when I know how much better my daily life is when I am calmer. I hate all the angst and anger. I don't know if I'll ever fully understand it. On Friday, I was telling him to get the hell out and say goodbye to his 3 kids and by Sat. night we were cuddling in bed. I really don't get how it can go from so awful to so good. I did tell him that I can't stand the up and down of it all and if it is always going to be like this for me, I don't think I can do it forever. The truth is that even when things are okay, it is still ALWAYS on my mind.

I'm not sure whether it was the holiday season, or having family around, or just the 6 month mark, but it was a bad few weeks. Maybe together we can come up with a way to get it off our minds and out of our minds. Have you read anything about this stage? I have a ton of books and never really read this far. Maybe now that things have settle down, I will read on and find some tools that we can use.

I hope Andrew is okay as we have not heard from him in a while. I'm going to pull out the books now and I will let you know what I find. I truly hope it is peaceful in your house right now and that things are a little better. MP

Hey all!

MP - Thanks for asking about me. I've been out of commission for a while. Basically, I took a lot of time off the last couple of weeks so that my wife and I could do a lot of tuff together. It's gone pretty well.

I know waht you mean about the emotional rollercoaster. We've talked before about the need to put the anger and pain away. But...it's hard to do, sometimes. I had a moment yesterday, in fact. Out of the blue, my daughters started talking about the a trip to the park that they took with my wife and the OM. They talked about how much fun they had feeding the ducks - and how my wife and the OM fed them together.

Well...this was a real trigger for me. A river of insecurities, angst and doubt that had been damned up for weeks started flowing across the levee. It came to a head this morning, during a conversation where my wife made clear that she has a hard time feeling any empathy for me. She's had a pretty rough life, and that has made it easier for her to put things away and move forward, she said.

So..I wish I had some answers about why we feel the way that we feel. How is that we can loathe a person one minute and crave him or her the next? I don't know. But...I am beginning to understand that marriage and love, like most other things, are largely a matter of choice. Basically, I've made a choice to stay with my wife. And she has made a choice to give up the OM and focus on repairing our marriage. I think that's an important part of the recovery process: recognizing that we have choices.

How is your mom doing, by the way?

Hi Guys!

Yes MP, my H did treat his mother a little different. He was more loving, considerate and affectionate toward me during her trip and he was alot of help with the children. Plus, he didn't seem to tolerate as much from her as he normally would. I think in the past he was so tuned out that he wasn't even paying attention to what was going on around him, including the little jabs from his mother. That was part of his fog. He'd checked out. He did point out how unaffectionate his mother is and how she showed no affection or love toward the children. He said that is why he feels affection and acceptance are such high emotional needs of his and his sister too (she has been married four times)!

Just like you (and like Andrew said too) I was hating him one day and loving him the next. It is so hard to figure out. You can't really rationalize it. I have a couple of infidelity books. I'll read to see about the 6 month mark too. I think as time goes by, it will get better and better and these bad days and weeks will be fewer and farther between. We're doing better now. Sounds like you guys are all doing better as well. I sure hope New Years Eve doesn't cause me any triggers!!! -SNS

hey guys - Andrew - glad to hear from you and I'm happy to hear you and your W were able to spend some quality time together. I hope it helped. Just curious though why your W says she has a hard time feeling empathy for you. I'm not sure I understand that.

SNS - interesting about the MIL. I had a feeling you were going to say that. Their behavior is so predictable. No offense Andrew.

Mom is doing better - we go to the doctor tomorrow and we will know more about future treatment. Thanks again for asking.

This up and down is driving me crazy. 2 good days and then all of a sudden we are cleaning out papers in the kitchen and I come across the old cell phone bills from D-Day time. Of course I can't help myself, so I analyze them again and start drilling him as to why he would talk to her for 2 hours at a time . . . how he hasn't talked to me for 2 hours since the week we met . . . So once again it goes from being an okay day to a crappy one. How does it change so quickly and is it going to do this forever??? I think all of us need to talk to someone who is further along in the process than us since we all seem to be struggling with similar issues.

I do wonder whether New Year's Eve is going to be okay or just another trigger. My fear is that come February, I am going to be a basket case because that is when he first met her and March is when it all started. I truly believe the months ahead are going to get worse before they get better. Sorry to be so negative. Do you feel that way? Once again, good question for a more experienced recovery person. Where do you think we could find one??

Hey MP,

You and I think alike. I was just thinking today while I was cleaning house that we should probably post a thread on the Recovery board re: nearing the 6 month mark past D-Day and how everyone felt at that time.

My H is terrified about me getting those cell phone bills. Since he talked to his OW using the walkie-talkie feature of the Nextel, he didn't think there would ever be any record of the calls. Now he is so afraid of what they will reveal (like him calling OW on my birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, his birthday, etc...). Not to mention it will show exactly how long they were in the hotel room b/c they were talking as they drove there and I'm sure they talked during the drive back to our town as well. It will also show me the progression of the affair (i.e. a hand full of calls in April, 2-3 calls per day in May, nonstop calls in June, etc.....).

My H swears he can't recall the details of any conversation. I don't believe that for one second! I said, "I'm sure you can't give me a word for word account, but you can remember enough to tell me what the he11 you two talked about. Why the he11 were you calling her all day long if you weren't getting something out of the conversations? You say there were sexual undertones to the calls, and yet you can't tell me anything that was said?????" It truly disgusts me! I know he told her she was a good kisser and that he wished they could spend more time together. She told him she wished they could go out on a date...sneak away somewhere one night and have a date night. He told her that would never happen but I've read so many accounts of affairs where the two parties enter into the affair agreeing it is just physical, that the cheater has no intention of ending his marriage, etc... and then one or both develop feelings and start wanting and expecting more from the relationship.

I watched an episode of "Diary of an Affiar" last night that I wish my H could have seen (he was fast asleep as usual). Anyway, the wife caught her H having multiple ONS and A's with women he would meet on the internet. She threw him out then let him back in when he started walking the walk and talking the talk re: recovery. He blamed her for the affair b/c she had gained weight. She had very low self esteem. She started going out with friends once a week to a restaurant that had kareoke (sp?) night. She met a wonderful man and they fell in love. He was much more attractive than her WH and you could tell he loved her and she loved him very much. During her A she discvoered that her H never stopped his internet cheating and ONS's so she kicked him out for good and now she is happy with her OM!

My H starts school again on January 3rd which will be a trigger for me. I told you he had to changed his entire schedule b/c OW signed up for the same classes. I always fear that when he walks into class for the first day she will be sitting in there or will come in after H and sit next to him. He says if that happens he will get up and walk out immediately. He told me if she keeps it up he will just drop out until she graduates. Just one more example of how our lives are altered and she doesn't suffer one minutes discomfort for screwing with my marriage!

Like you I fear it is going to get worse b/4 it gets better. My H met his OW in April and the EA started in May. PA started in June and D-Day was July 6th. Mother's Day, Father's Day, my birthday, H's birthday and 4th of July will be awful for me as all of those dates happened during the A.

Have you been able to read any of your A books? I hid all of mine during MIL's visit, so let me go see if I can dig them out and re-read some of them. I am so forgetful since H's affair. I can't remember where I put anything and I've locked the keys in the car twice!

-SNS

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 05:38 PM: Message edited by: Still-n-Shock ]</small>

hi - let me start by telling you today was the Dr.'s visit and I saw my old friend. I must say he looked better than I expected. Maybe it's just because I am looking at men differently these days. He was very happy to see me and as it turns out my mother is going to be using him and we will have visits 1X per week for the next few weeks. It was interesting because the whole way home I was thinking what if I were to do something like this to my H . . . But then I stopped and realized that he is married and even if he wanted to, I don't think I could ever do that to another woman, especially knowing now what it does to a person/family. He definitely mentioned his kids, but not his W during our long visit. He also made sure to kiss me hello/goodbye many times. Men, they are all the same. Sorry again Andrew. Anyway, it was nice seeing an old friend - I'll keep you posted.

I can tell you from experience, the cell phone bills stink. They just stare at you with the info you already know. My advice - don't look at them if you are really trying to move forward. The only thing I think they are good for is to prove that is not going on now. However, I'm sure even our stupid H's wouldn't use their cell at this point.

I hope school is not as you fear and that she is not there. I do think it is a good plan for him to postpone his studies if he can't avoid her. Otherwise you will never be comfortable having him there.

Tomorrow we are seeing good friends that we haven't been with in a while. They are the only other people who know about it. The wife has been one of my best friends for 20 years and over the summer I kept avoiding her and their family. I finally felt I had to tell her. The H's have been very friendly and I don't know how they are going to react when they see him. I think it's going to be very weird.

I know exactly what you mean about being forgetful. I am normally the most organized and efficient person, but since this happened and my mom on top of it, I am so forgetful and spacy. Once again, goes to show how other people's actions affect us so greatly. If you can, please check into the recovery board and see if there is some help for us out there. Let me know what you find. MP

Hello MP,

How was your New Year's? My H worked so we didn't do anything or go anywhere. He was definately working, so I'm not worried about anything sinister. I truly believe his A is over and was on D-Day. I don't worry about him starting up with her again, it is the next young, pretty girl who doesn't care if a man is married or not so long as she finds him attractive. I once told the MC that I wonder if an initial affair is like marijuana - the "gateway drug" into a lifetime pattern of infidelity.

I'm feeling sad and depressed now, not angry like I was during Christmas time. How are you coping? How was the visit with your long time friends? Did you and your H do anything special for New Years?

Interesting update on your old friend the MD. Are you sure he is even married? Yes, like you, when I have revenge affair fantasies I always make the OM single. I couldn't put another wife through this kind of pain. Perhpas if the OM was married but his wife had cheated on him and he was feeling like I'm feeling...? We'd certainly have alot in common and we'd understand where each other was coming from. Actually, I've probably already slept with too many men to count. Since my H had unprotected sex with OW and then had sex with me, I've now essentially had sex with every man she has had sex with. Yuck, huh?

I really have moved past the revenge A thoughts for the most part. I just feel deflated and empty right now. I never, ever cry about H's A. Do you? After D-Day I had some tearful moments, but the only time I really, really cried is when I left the lawyer's office and was driving home. I was crying, not so much b/c of the A, but b/c, having spoken to the lawyer, I knew a divorce wasn't an option as I'd have to turn over my little ones to H every other weekend and I simply do not trust his judgment. I knew then I was stuck and I think that is what made me break down.

Hope to hear from you soon. -SNS

Hi - Happy New Year to everyone. Our New Years was okay, spent with the same group of friends for 10 years now. We do it with the kids, so it is a real family night. Things here are, as always, up and down. Since last week the downs have not been horrendous, just bad. Our friends are back from FL. and living with us again, so that diffuses the situation a bit.

It's amazing your H had unprotected sex. Mine swears he didn't. While I will never know for sure, I'll assume he is telling the truth. How dumb can people be. Not only are they putting themselves at risk, but their entire families as well. Crazy!!

It's funny - you said you don't cry anymore. I cry more now. At first I was so shocked and angry, I almost never cried. Now that I am sadder, I cry all the time. My H actually feels so much worse when I cry then when I am angry, he really has a hard time with it. Not that I care. I feel very philosophical at this point. I just don't know what direction to turn in. Years ago, I felt like you that divorce wasn't an option because I didn't trust him to have all 3 every other weekend. Now that they are getting older, I don't feel quite the same way. Very often I leave him with them now and they are fine. I'm still day to day with it.

I have not had any time to read the books with all our company here and visiting my mom daily, but I am making it a priority for the coming week. I really need to get some professional advice. In addition, we have not been to the MC in almost a month because of other commitments. We really need to get back there.

Well, I hope we all have a better New Year. Obviously it can't be worse than the last year. I wish we could get together for drinks and a toast to the New Year. We can have a pretend party on-line. Speak to you soon. MP