Here is the letter I have drafted to expose this mess to our families. Unfortunatley the OM does not have a W or GF to expose this too, so I only have to option to tell my MIL, my parents and brother.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just would like to explain what has been happening the past few months here. On August 27th W had a candle party with her friend Amy. After that party she and a group of her friends went out bar hopping for the evening. W had planned on staying with Amy that night but she apparently got intoxicated and went home with a strange man she met at the bar. W being stranded, ended up going home and staying with another friend, OM. OM, offered her his bed and he went to sleep on the couch, but W asked OM to lay down with her. He did and they began to kiss. W put a stop to it but they still shared a bed together for the evening. Since 8-28, W and OM had been emailing each other quite extensively and on 9-22 I discovered all of the above and that they were making plans to spend the night together in a hotel on Sat. 9-25. (I will explain how I found out later). I confronted W and she ended up not going. We have since gotten into marital counseling and are trying to work through this. I have asked W for two things since the start of this mess:

1) to have no contact with OM
2) if she does contact him in any way, do not hide it from me, show me the emails they are sending to each other and tell me about their phone conversations

She has failed to do either. I keep finding out that when I go to work W and OM spend hours emailing each other back and forth all hours of the night and he calls here and she calls there. This is very difficult for me and I do not feel like being sociable so I volunteered to work the Thanksgiving holidays. This does not have anything to do with you all and I don't want you to think it does.

Now to confess my sins. The reason I found out about all of this is that a year ago a similar situation began between W and my former friend. They began to email each other back and forth and I saw a couple that raised concerns so I installed a spy software on the computer that allowed me to see every email that W received or sent out. I confronted W last year, but did not tell her how I knew and she and 1st OM quit their communications, however my trust in W was shot. I continued to monitor her email and every time I would consider uninstalling that software, I would see a message that would raise red flags. This happened a couple of times until 9-22 when I found out about OM and W. W tells me that OM is her best friend and that she can not give him up, I feel that she needs to if she wants us to work out.

I realize the mistakes I've made over the years and am trying hard to change so that I can be the husband that W has always wanted me to be. I just find it extremely difficult to do so when she wont consider my feelings in the matter.

MIF?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

no no no....an exposure letter is NOTHING like this. It does NOT put in this kind of details. It is all about saving the marriage and not about humiliating the spouse.

It is more like this:

Dear friends and family,

I am sorry to burden you with this information, and this is a hard letter to write, but I truly need your help. W is having an affair with X, a man she met casually and has become increasingly more involved with. It may seem strange for me to be telling you this....but the marriage program I am working with, says exposing affairs helps end the secrecy, and secrecy is what feeds affairs. She promised to go to counseling and end contact, but has been unable to break free of the affair. I know we have had some problems, and I have pledged to work hard to become the best husband I can, but she has been unable to give up the affair and give our marriage a chance. Please help her if you can, to find her way back to me. Any help or influence you may be able to give would be greatly appreciated.

Blessings,
XX

<small>[ October 28, 2004, 04:42 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Thanks Star

We just had a talk and my W told me she has grown to hate over the past 10 years. She said that she hates me right now. I am thinking of talking to a lawyer tomorrow. She keeps pushing me away, and says she is being selfish because of all the years of torment I have caused her.

You have a fogged spouse chere...and they say the most hateful vile things imaginable...please don't put any stock in these things right now. Almost every WS out there says these exact same things...as well rewrites history into some horrible life. It's fogbabble...fogspew...it's meaningless. Expose the affair....and see what happens. I know this hurst...I'm so sorry.

Well, we have had some major LBing going on here. She said that if I sent that letter the M was over. I haven't sent it yet, but if she keeps pissing me off I will and call her bluff. I just hope it's not a bluff.

I have modified the message as such. Ihaven't sent this yet still trying to find the nerve to do so.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear family,

I am sorry to burden you with this information, and this is a hard letter to write, but I truly need your help. W is having an emotional affair with PM , a man she met casually and has become increasingly more involved with. It may seem strange for me to be telling you this....but the marriage program I am working with, says exposing affairs helps end the secrecy, and secrecy is what feeds affairs. She promised to go to counseling and end contact, but has been unable to break free of the affair. I know we have had some problems which I am very much responsible for, and I have pledged to work hard to become the best husband I can, but she has been unable to give up the affair and give our marriage a chance. Please help her if you can, to find her way back to me. Any help or influence you may be able to give would be greatly appreciated.

She told me that if I sent this email our marriage was over. I am hoping she was bluffing and have sent it anyway.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Do I send it and hope it's fog talk?

Don't say anything about the advice of MB. Let MB be a safe place for you. Don't tell people about it. Don't tell them you're doing it on the advice of a program, just do it.

Don't worry that they'll judge you for exposing.

And don't listen to the "I'll divorce you if you expose the affair" stuff. It's horsesh*t. They have a brief hissy fit, but it's a blip. Don't sweat the blips too much, if you can help it.

Expose without apologizing for it or justifying it. Your W is cheating. That's reason enough.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong>
And don't listen to the "I'll divorce you if you expose the affair" stuff. It's horsesh*t. They have a brief hissy fit, but it's a blip. Don't sweat the blips too much, if you can help it.
GC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's what I am wondering. I am just being a chicken**** thinking she may mean it. I guess, thoough, if she does mean it then the M probably won't work out anyway. I mean if she is willing to throw away 10 yrs. because of this then we most likely couldn't work through this anyway.

mif,

They all say if you expose the affair "it's over"....and sometime it is. But the risks are greater that your marriage will end without exposre than with it. I wish this stuff came with guarantees....but it doesn't. How is it your wife knows about this letter?

I told her and let her read it. Probably a mistake, but I did it.

Well, I just sent it. We'll see what happens.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I just sent it, and told her I sent it and she went in the bedroom and called the OM.

star*fish, I love your sig. I think about it all the time.

GC

MIF,

How dare you go against her wishes!! Now what is she going to do?? She cant HIDE it anymore. You should be ashamed. Major LB.

Sorry. Had to.

Great job. Let her call OM. She said if you sent it the M was over, well what were you saving by NOT sending it? Nothing but her pride. Now those closest to her and him will know the truth. Affairs are hidden by lies and deception

Well, it really sounds like my marriage is over. I had a conversation with the OM on the phone. It didn't go too well as you all can imagine. It's funny because my W reads the responses you all give me here and thinks it's bulls*** how you "believe" what I say, when the OM is like her marriagebuilders.com. I mean talking to him, he makes me sound like I'm totally at fault because he believes everything she tells him and she couldn't possibly leave out her wrongdoings could she?

Anyway, I have a feeling I will be needing much support in the coming months.

Thanks to all who have listened.

MIsn'tF

Of course she didnt leave out her faults. Are you kidding, OM already knows the good, the bad and the ugly about her.

Ok, Im in a sarcastic mood tonight. Maybe not a good night to post.

Give it time MIF, you never know what will happen. Now that more people know it will be harder for her. ( hopefully)

Having your spouse read here - talking to her about what you are doing and why - all the things that would make sense if she was not an addict is the equivalent of shooting yourself and your marriage in both feet.

Cerri, I'm not sure I follow you. Are you saying that by having her read here, I am shooting myself in the foot?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I'm saying that by having her read here you are not only shooting yourself in the foot but your marriage as well. It's not helpful and very likely quite harmful.

C