Steve said that he was going to put a plan together for us, a plan to last a lifetime. I tell you this now; this plan can't come fast enough. These emotional peaks and valleys seem like an endless torture. One minute we are a solid rock and the next I fall apart, unsure of anything. Only her constant assurance can provide me any peace of mind. And, like the Taker I am, I am ready to lick those bones clean. But she doesn't always come, and of course, she probably shouldn't. I interpret every one of her actions with some deep meaning and I tell you, it is torture.

Like you said JL, I am a lousy mind reader. Everything would be so simple if I could read her mind. I am afraid I have become a lousy partner acting in ways that have never been a visiable part of my makeup.

And here is the best part, last night we connected (again). The love was deep and communication was meaningful. I was so full of confidence I felt as if this whole experience was the best thing to ever happen to us. So what happened overnight? I tell you, nothing! I mean, NOTHING happened. We went to bed, I got up, and I felt the world had closed around me.

Coffeeman, Mrs. G has been an open book and that helped me more then I can say, and I think, I know, it helped her too. At this point, of all the Marriage Builder concepts, the radical honesty concept has been the most helpful to us. Regardless, I want the old Mr. G back, (minus the unconstructive baggage). Where the hell did he go?

Mr. G

A new, better, Mr. G is under construction. I'm sorry that the proccess takes so long, and hurts so much, but it does.

I know that's true........

Mr.G

hey Mr G

Just want you to let your W know that she is NOT alone being a FWW on this board. There's a lot of us, some have been here for along time while others like me are reasonably new - d day only 4 months ago - so much of what she feels is or has been felt and experienced by others.
Just let Mrs G know she can post to any of us for a hand or a vent when its needed. Also the many BS here who are so generous in their compassion and good sound advice.
Its a great support mr G for both parties.

It has been an absolute blessing to have so many knowledgeable posters providing both of us guidance throughout this whole adventure. I cannot think of a single instance where one of your posts did not make a significant contribution to our healing. There is hope for humanity! I am hoping to start a new thread in the “recovery” forum in the near future, but for now, I’m better off here.

I understand Mrs. G more each day as I learn things about her that I never knew before. When we first met she was a young scared girl, so many years ago. She became so powerful, so strong, right under my eyes. The key to our future? “Stay The Course”.

I worry about her each day as she tries so hard to understand past events. Lately, she seems to be more protective of me. She will not let me take any blame in this whole mess. She says, “It’s me, I did it, you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s all me”. The fact that such statements provide me some comfort makes me feel terrible. What a contradiction! Regardless, I know that the things she says are a huge step forward. They allow me to leave the house each morning filled with confidence and I think, I hope, they allow her to better understand the nature of past events so that she won’t find herself in this position again. She is so repentant. Whenever I see her looking off into space, which is often, I ask her what she is thinking. Four out of five times, her immediate response is, “How could I have done this?” So many questions.

aussieswife,
I think Mrs. G is a bit guarded on her use of the internet (for obvious reasons). I could be wrong on this point and that makes for a future topic of discussion. I need to ask her. But she has read all of the posts mostly over my shoulder, so much pain, so much to be grateful for. The many posts that provide her reassurance, such as yours and other FWW and many BS fills her eyes with tears when she reads them. (she hates when she crys, it makes her eyes swell, very unattractive she says <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) They are always unexpected to her and I know they provide her comfort and assurance.

Mr. G

I have a few questions that I am trying to work out in my mind, the kind of questions that cause me concern and interfere with moving forward. Here is what I am wondering.

I have forgiven Mrs. G for the bad, (very bad) choices that she has made. I have forgiven her in words, I have forgiven her in my heart, but the movies still play. I feel that something important has been lost and cannot be regained, but I cannot put my finger on it exactly. I think it has to do with lost memories. We have a long history together and many of those memories are forever compromised. I need to develop a rationalization that will let Mrs. G be a part of my life and let me deal with the tainted memories of so many years. The reality of this is that Mrs. G and I had many wonderful times throughout the years of the Big Lie. We shared many hopes, discussed the future and generally spent most evenings, many days and all weekends together in some fashion. So, intellectually I know that these OM were only a small part of the total picture. Perhaps I answer my own question but still I would like to ask your advice, what is the healthy approach to this?

Quote:
“You got your mind right Luke?” “Yeah, Boss, I got my mind right.”

How do I make my mind “right”?

Mr. G

mr. G,

You don't make your mind right, is the short answer. However, I think this is not hopeless. First it takes lots of time and patience, T&P. Second it takes talking to Mrs. G about your sense of lose.

But, let's discuss this for a moment. One thing that is commonly mentioned as lost as the aire of innocence and absolute trust. The sense of uniqueness with regard to your spouse. These are very common. I don't know how you can get most of this back. Sort of like virginity, once lost it is lost. However, things may not be as lost as you think You need to Mrs. G about this.

As for your relationship being a special thing, the ONLY solution for this that I am aware of is to make your marriage UNIQUE NOW. The past is gone but the future is now. Many marriages suffer what yours has done and don't survive and if they do survive they do not thrive. You and Mrs. G have an opportunity to make your marriage something that is truely tested and now thrives.

The movies have NOTHING to do with forgiveness. They have to do with your experience with the A and the fears you have that they were Mrs. G's best times. These will fade as will the pain of the memories. The memories will last however, just the feelings fade.

Mr. G I won't sugar coat this you lost somethign very very valuable when Mrs. G decided to do this. If one thinks that marriage is important then clearly having teh vows violated mean the loss of something of deep value. There is little you can do about this other than to make your marriage better and something YOU enjoy.

You quandary is very common here. The resolution lies in what YOU and Mrs. G decide to do about the marriage. She cannot make it all right now. The damage has been done. What can be done is the decision to make the marriage even better and good for both of you.

I am sure you will get other responses, but I hope this one will make you think.

God Bless,

JL

I given a few days to ponder the nature of your post. I notice a reoccurring theme and I wonder if my observation is correct.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> First it takes lots of time and patience, T&P. Second it takes talking to Mrs. G about your sense of lose.……. However, things may not be as lost as you think. You need to Mrs. G about this…….. You and Mrs. G have an opportunity to make your marriage something that is truly tested and now thrives………They have to do with your experience with the A and the fears you have that they were Mrs. G's best times………The resolution lies in what YOU and Mrs. G decide to do about the marriage………
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The observation that I am making is that future of our marriage is dependant on how Mrs. G handles this on a going forward basis. She needs to convince me that she understands depth of my loose and that the memories that I have of us were the “real deal”. Beyond that, you’re correct, I do worry that Mrs. G’s indiscretions were her “best times” and that is indeed troubling to me. I am looking for her to convince me that that was not the case.

Well, I put these questions to her yesterday and of course, I have asked these questions of her in many different forms since D-day. In all cases her answers coupled with her actions of the last month are providing me with the most comfort that I feel I could expect under the circumstances. Even so, when I look at her I find it hard to believe that she could be capable of doing the things she did. It leaves an empty feeling in my in gut. But I must tell you that with each passing day of Mrs. G’s commitment to repair our marriage I have noticed that the sharp painful edges of her past actions are gradually dulling.

So the bottom line and what I am wondering is, am I just along for the ride? Am I the one who has certain buttons pushed in a certain order and “bingo”, I’m cured? Is my only role, one of reaction?

Tomorrow we talk with Steve Harley and I will be presented with Mrs. G’s plan to make sure that there is no possibility for a reoccurrence. I like the sound of that (another button to be pushed).

Mr. G

Mr. G,

If you reread the quote you just posted you will note that I stated you and Mrs. G. You are NOT along for the ride to be mollified by having a button pushed or stroked <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . You have an active role to play in rebuilding this marriage. She is carrying a large load of rebuilding now which is exceptional but... Mr. G. you are going to find something out very soon.

If she is for real and it sounds as if she is by her actions and words, the biggest impediment to full recovery and intimacy will be HER GUILT. And that my man is going to be your rock to roll up the hill. She is going to need your help on many levels and her guilt/remorse is one of them. Another is changing how she has interpretted your reactions to her needs. You will be on the hook to have your words match your deeds as well.

Mr. G I don't know much but I do know the following.

1. There are no experts in unsolved problems.
2. Credit is not a conserved quantity, so give it freely.
3. Life is a team sport.

The third item clearly applies to both of you, but you will find that the other two will have deep importance to you as well. She is going to need your encouragement, thanks, and credit for what she is doing right now. It is hard on her. Yes, I know she did this herself, but she is trying to dig out and she will need you to encourage and help her.

I know there is a tendency to "test" a WS and to some extent it seems to me a valid thing to do, but...don't over do it, and remember they need help and support as well. Just as she is the only one that can make this right with you, YOU are the only one that give her what she needs YOUR FORGIVENESS and LOVE.

So please think about this. I know the emotions are raw, the uncertainty great, the fear even greater, and the course is NOT as clear as one would hope. However, Mr. G. you are truely in a unique situation with respect to most of the BS's that post here. Your W WANTS to make this right and rebuild the marriage and she is matching her wants with her efforts. I know it sounds crazy but you are a lucky man.

I hope something I have said is of help.

God Bless,

JL

Your posts are always appreciated. Forgive the metaphor but your posts are “a ray of light in a dark place”.

I need a few days to ponder your post. I am watching Mrs. G but so far she is handling her guilt and more then that, she fully accepts it. I think it might be a bit too early to read anything definitive in her acceptance of responsibility.

I would also like to share some of the things that we are learning from our conversations with Steve Harley. Lots of illumination.

Thank you and I mean THANK YOU,
Mr. G

I'm moving to recovery forum. I want to thank everyone who provided me guidance as your advice and suggestions were instrumental in my understanding of “what happened”.

I hope that I am worthy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

A few things are for sure:

I am by no means "out of the woods".

I still don't know if we (me and Mrs. G) will save this marriage, but we are trying.

What feels good today is often times no-good the next day.

I still don't know what Mrs. G REALLY thinks.

I am better today then one week ago, but as for tomorrow..........?

I am not who I thought I was. The sleeping giant has awakened. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

See you on the other side; I hope I can stay there. I am such a mess (in a good way) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mr. G