I've been lurking here a while. Took me a zillion tries to register (thus the stupid display name--after a while I was just trying version upon version to find a combination that hadn't been taken)

Anyway--my sad story. I would love some feedback. I am so devastated and can't figure out what to do about this marriage. I spend most of my time obsessing/wallowing in this, and feeling like I need to make a decision of some type but can't think straight.

I'll try to make this short, but just can't do the abreviations, so bear with me...

My husband of 16 years is (was) a high school counselor--I am an administrator working out of the central office of the district he worked in. Second marriage for both of us--we have 8 children we jokingly refer to as "yours, mine, ours, and theirs". Meaning, I have an adult daughter from a previous marriage (I was widowed when she was an infant), he has 3 adult kids from his first marriage (ended in divorce due to ex wife's drug addiction and infidelity), we have 2 together (12 and 5, one bio and one adopted), and are also raising 2 of his grandkids (3 and 5, their mom is a meth addict).

Perfect marriage, I thought, until about 5 years ago when we just sort of lost our connection. Turns out he was having an affair, but I didn't know, and I blamed it on the adoption of our son, and the "fact" that he realized after we adopted him that he didn't want more kids, felt tied down, etc (I'm 45 and he's 50). Then came the grandkids (no options, and we had supported his daughter so long that the kids thought our home was theirs anyway)--I tried, for 5 years, to lessen his burden by taking on more and more myself. Kept thinking eventually the kids would get older, and we would reconnect on a more meaningful level. So I have this demanding job (that I love), 4 high needs kids (one full blown adolescent, and 3 with emotional/behavioral issues), and a husband who just seems disengaged.

In June, just after school was out, I intercepted some email exchanges between him and one of his students (16 years old). Hers are sexually flirtatious, his responses are not, but he is responding, and for some reason saving the messages. I confront him, he cries (even if this is all there is to it, this is sexual misconduct in terms of his job), and I am in a hell of a bind (his boss is my colleage). I go to see a well known and respected therapist in our community, someone who has worked with sex offenders most of his career--I am freaked out, not sure what this means, not sure what to do. He tells me, but does not convince me, that there is most likely more to it, and does convince me that husband needs to see a counselor who specializes in issues like this. I come home and give him an ultimatum--you see one of these guys or I turn you in. After weeks of nonsense, and lies and lies and lies, he ends up with a therapist who does a full evaluation--the day before he is to go in for the last test--a polygraph--he tells me that he isnt' going back, because he didn't do anything wrong, they are treating him like a sex offender, I need to trust him, blah blah blah. I tell him he needs to finish the eval. He comes home after the polygraph very upset--tells me that he flunked the polygraph, not because of his relationship with the student, but because he had an affair 5 years ago (spanning the time period when we adopted our son, spanning our 10th anniversary, a time when I thought we were on top of the world). He never told me because he never wanted to hurt me, blah blah blah. I am devastated, horrified, torn apart. I honestly never would have thought him capable of this. And neither would anyone else who knows him/us. I spend a couple of weeks sobbing, angry, hurt, ready to leave, but he finally convinces me that he loves me, wants us to have a future, and I agree to go to counseling and think about trying to move past this.

Literally 2 days later, he is arrested at my office on a sexual misconduct charge. Turns out the girl kept a diary, and wrote that they kissed/made out at school.

Unbelievable mess. This has impacted every part of my life. 2 months later, he has yet to be charged, and so my kids dont' know much beyond the fact that we are having problems. He is living on our property, in an apartment we have over the garage. He seems to be just waiting for me to get over it, so we can go on as before. Oh, he says all the right things but he's a counselor, he knows the words. I don't believe for a minute he's sincere. I wait in fear for him to be charged (still under investigation), it to hit the newspapers (and my 12 year old's friend and teachers and everyone else to know). He could end up with up to a year of jail time. Things are uncomfortable for me at work, but I need and love this job.

I cannot believe this is the man I married. We have been together almost 20 years, I never would have believed this. (He calls it a midlife crisis,and tells anyone who will listen that "it's not an excuse, but, she was so involved with the kids and her work...". WHAT?---I was so involved with the kids and my work that you had to [censored] around???). I am seeing an individual counselor, he is in a sex offender counseling program (but still doesn't think he fits there). He is pressuring me to go to marriage counseling with him, but I am resistant, partially because I think he just wants to deflect this and make it a marital issue rather than a "deviancy" issue, and partially because I can't decide if I want to stay in this at all.

I am so conflicted. My value system says I need to forgive, to try to work through this for the sake of my family, but my value system also says that infidelity is just wrong, whether it is sleeping with an adult coworker or making out with a teenager. I don't like to think of myself as self righteous, or unforgiving, but I honestly don't know if I can ever get past this. But then there are my kids--they adore him, he's a good dad, and they are frankly more than I can handle by myself (did i mention they are 3, 5 and 5, and 12--all with their own issues)? And the financial implications--I'm not a materialistic person, but I would hate to lose my home or retirement savings, and althought I can certainly support us alone, I can't maintain our current lifestyle.

I'm so angry and hurt. I can't believe he would put our relationship and our family at risk the way he did. I don't see how I can stay here and maintain any self respect at all. And yet, there are compelling reasons to try to move beyond it (mostly my kids). And deep down, I really love this guy, although I don't know why. We have a long history together, and have build a life for ourselves and our kids that I can't begin to think about dismantling. So 4 months into this, I am still mucking around in the emotions and don't know what to do. My counselor tells me not to be in a hurry--to just wait and someday I will just magically know what to do. I don't know if I really want to stay or if I am just scared to start over by myself (at 45 with 4 kids at home).

Wow, this is long, huh? So, if you've hung in here this long, maybe you have some insight?

Kiki,

Tough situation. Has he admitted yet to the situation with the student?

Not trying to down play it, but for a few moments lets put the affair from 5 years ago on the back burner

well....still under investigation, pending charges...
I'm a bit paranoid these days, you know.

I can't put the affair on the back burner. Some days that is the biggest issue to me. Other days it's secondary to all the rest. Some days I just want to move on--be with someone who can love me genuinely and honestly, or, more likely, just be alone (well, alone with all these kiddos)--other days I can't imagine life without him. Some days I hate him, or at least what he has done to us, and other days I think I still love him. Or at least I miss him. Most days I am too angry to even be in the same room as him.

I guess the real question is, is this even something that we can get beyond, even on the days I want to, or is it really a character thing? This man has lots of other character, oh let's say "quirks" instead of "flaws", so sometimes this just seems like the icing on the cake (and on those days I'm convinced I need to move on).

The ambivalence is driving me crazy. How do you know what to do?

Pray.

It is possible to recover from an affair, and have a great marriage. Many people here have. I'm one. It is not surprising that this is the thing that bothers you the most.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Oh, he says all the right things but he's a counselor, he knows the words. I don't believe for a minute he's sincere. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good thing Harley's recovery plan is mostly about doing, not saying. Click on the link in my signature line.

It is possible to get past this. People do it every day.

The reason I said to put the affair on the back burner for a little while is your husband is going to need your support through this. And this is also what will do the damage to your marriage now.

Actually I'm having a bit of a problem with the whole concept of supporting him. I know that he's hurt by my lack of support. And at times I feel really guilty about that. But when I'm not wallowing in the pain, I am really angry. I am angry that he risked our marriage, risked our kids well being, risked his career, risked my career, risked public humiliation (ie local newspaper hype and the effect of that on our kids, and on me), risked criminal and civil legal action that may put him in jail as well as bankrupt us. I am angry and disgusted by the idea that he would go there with a 16 year old (we both have daughters in their 20s).

We don't get much time together now, due to his changed work schedule, but when we do and we try to talk, my anger and his defensiveness get in the way, and we both end up thinking it would just be easier, or at least less painful, to end the marriage. It seems like we are just completely unable to meet each other's needs right now, and I don't know how to get past that. I don't feel at all loved or cared for (he is much more concerned with his own predicament than with the impact on me, and I guess that's sort of understandable). I'm sure he doesn't feel the love either. My counselor says I should just give it time, but I'm not sure what I can expect to change over time.
I'm just so discouraged.